Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Wishing Each of You the Blessings of Christmas

Christmas is such a joyful time of year and at the same time a very stressful time of year. As a child, and as a young man, I always enjoyed Christmas. There were a few  years after the kids were grown and before the grandkids came along that some of the joy of Christmas seemed to be lost for me, but now with little grandkids about, its holds a special place in my heart.

From the time I was a little boy I always heard there was more joy in giving than in receiving. That saying never made sense to me until I became a grandfather, but it is indeed true. In addition to giving to the grandkids, we contribute to some of the under privileged children in our communitiy so that they will know the joy of Christmas. It is indeed good to give to others.

Though Christmas is supposed to be a joyful time, it can also be a hard on guys who are married and yet have or long to have a relationship with another guy. Feelings of guilt are sometimes especially strong at Christmas. Guys also usually find it necessary to put their relationship with their buddy on hold for the Holidays so that they can meet the needs of their family and spend the extra time with family that is such a joy at Christmas. Actually to my way of thinking, that is as it should be. When my buddy and I first met and were working out the terms under which our relationship would function, one of the things we agreed to was that family would always come first throughout the year. We have kept that agreement and that has been a good thing.

There is no doubt that most of us, if given the choice to have never had the desire for a realatioship with another man, would jump at that choice. The facts are, or course, that we do not have and will never have such a choice. I have come to believe that I am who and what I am for a purpose. A part of all that is being a bisexual male. I have come to know it as one of the blessings of my life and I am thankful for the blessing. I hope each of you are or will come to be too.

For those of you who are Christians I wish you a blessed Christmas. For those of you who are not Christians, I wish you joy and peace for the season and hope that the sense of good will among men that is celebrated at Christams is yours throughout the new year.


Saturday, December 18, 2010

Leading Two Lives

Some of my earliest memories are sexual memories. So early, that at the time I was living them, I didn't even know what sex was.  I just knew I could make my  penis feel very good and I enjoyed doing it.

By the time I was 4 years old playing with myself was a regular thing for me. Somehow I instinctively knew this kind of play should be private and should be kept out of view of my parents. Even at that  young age I managed to do that or at least thought I did.

There were other sexualized moments in my life too. By the time I was four, we lived in a four room house. Well it was almost a four room house. The back poarch had been closed in to make a bedroom big enough to put mine and my brothers bunk beds in and that is where we slept. What had been the original back door of the house led out of our makeshift bedroom into the kitchen. The kitchen was adjacent to the living room and the living room was adjacent to my parents bedroom. My parents bedroom was separated from my brothers and my bedroom by a small bathroom which had a sink, toilet and a big clawfooted bath tude. There was no shower.

Water came from a well; the bathroom and the living room were the only rooms in the house that were heated. There was a small gas stove built into the east wall of the bathroom and a Dearborne stove heated the living room. I suppose my  parents were supporting themselves and my brother and I on maybe $400 a month back then and so it was a very frugal life. Nothing was wasted including gas for the heating stoves and water from the well which had to be pulled up by an electric  pump. It was common practice for me to bath every night with my father and for my younger brother to bath with my mother.

Some of my earliest memories are of seeing  my fathers cock and balls as we bathed. I never saw it hard but it was a huge thing even soft and he had huge balls that hung low with his uncut cock resting on them. It was an amazing piece of equipment to me. I knew that my own penis could get hard and much bigger and I knew that when it got to that state, I could make it feel very good. I wondered if my father knew that he could do the same thing with his and I was in awe of how big it must be when it got hard. Often, bathing with my dad, my own penis would get hard as I soaped it off to clean it. Nothing was ever said about this and I accepted it as normal though my Dad's did not get hard when he soaped his.

In bed after the bath, I would often pull down my PJ's and fondle myself causing my penis to send waves of pleasure through my groin area.

When I was 6 years old a neighbor boy named Chris, who was a couple of years older than me, asked me if I would like to  play farm. I asked how you played that game and he said he would teach me. We went into a neighbors garage. He instructed me to get on my hands and knees and pretend I was a cow. As I assumed that position much to my surprise he unzipped my jeans and  pulled out my cock which was immediately hard. He began to stoke it saying that he was milking the cow. It felt really good to me to have someone elses hand on my cock and I wasn't going to resist. It felt even better than when I would stroke it with my own hand.

As he kept on stroking something I could never have anticipated happened though I didn't know what it was at the time. I had my first orgasm. This new orgasm was much the same good feeling that my own play with my penis had sent through my groin, but this new feeling rushed into my spine and down my legs all the way to my toes which curled in a rather sweet agony. The feeling was unbelieveable. When the orgasm subsided, Chris said it was his turn to be the cow and I should milk him in the same way. I was more than happy to do that and observed that his cock was equal in size to mine. I assmed our cock were standard equipment for boys our general age.

But Chris had more in mind for me. Over the next few weeks he introduced me to a number of boys in our small 4 room school who were into cock  play. I was astonised to learn that though Chris and I were the smaller two of the group of boys we had the biggest cocks by far. But it didn't matter much because even the smaller cocks were works of art as far as I was concerned and I was happy to have a variety of them to play with. The  play became a regular after school thing for me and the guys. Sometimes a guy named Teddy and I would even meet in the restroom at school and I would sit on his naked lap as he jacked me off.

All this activity was awesome. No one in the extended group was abused or forced to perform any act. We were all good friends and the camaroderie was really an awesome thing in itself, but Chris still was not though with my insturction into the finer parts of male/male sex. One day when a group of us were naked and  playing he  pulled me out of the group and we went to a nearby abandonded petrochemical plant. No one ever came there. The  property was fenced but he knew a way in. Alone in the huge boiler room we got naked and he  told me he was going to teach me to suck cock.. He took my cock into his mouth and licked and sucked it. I had never in my short life felt anything that even came close to that new feeling. Before I knew it, orgasm even more intense than from being jacked off racked my body and buckled my knees. It was almost more than I could stand. Quickly, Chris was out of his pants and told me to do the same for him. Much to my surprise I found it was almost as good to be on the giving end of oral sex as on the receiving end. His cock was a magnificent thing even at that young age it was massive and again I wondered what my Dad's must be if two kids could have such massive tools.

Oral sex between me and Chris became a few times a week thing and regular sexual  play was a dailly thing among the group of 7 - 8 boys. As years passed and we got a little older it was nnot uncommon for even some of the highschool boys to play with us. In that little west Texas community where there was nothing to do and where we were thrown together 7 days a week and almost 16  hours a day, sex was our main entertainment and there were dozens and dozens of places to get naked and do it. There were several old refineries that offered all manner of privacy.  Back in those days the pump jacks were run not by electricity but by rod lines. The rod lines would stretch for great distances between the several pumpjacks and the engine house which powered the rod lines. There were dozens of these engine houses scattered around and they were checked once a day. Because our fathers did the checking we knew when the coast was clear and we could get naked in the engine houses almost any time.

East of town there was a large sinkhole. It had been there for many years. Trees had grown in the bottom of the sinkhole and rose almost to the top of the sinkhow which met the floor of the grassy plain above. Beneath the trees on the floor of the sinkhole, someone had built a small cabin that was now abandoned. We had great fun running around that sink hole stark naked. In all the years, no adult ever intruded on our sinkhole paradise.

Though again I instinctfully knew all his was something not to be talked about, I felt no guilt about it. No one was forced to do anything. Each guy was free to do or not to do. No one was in charge. It was really all just clean fun. And these 6 - 8 boys were my classmates and we were in Sunday School together ever Sunday morning. Every Sunday afternoon we were playing with each others cocks as well as during frequent sleep overs at each others  houses. It was truly just a boy thing and it seemed in that small West Texas town something that all boys did.

This play continued thourh High School. It was completly normal. Even after all of us began to date girls, our male on male  play did not cease. In that day and time girls were not "easy." Our guy buddies were.

I married early just after my Freshman year of college. I assumed with a willing woman in my bed each night the days of male/male sex were gone. I was devastated when the desires did not go away even though I loved straight sex and had a wife who was quite willing and very good at it, who could in fact rock my world.

I began to live two lives. In one life I was the average hard working father caring for my family and making a living. But in my dreams at night I was back with the guys and no matter how much sex I  had with my wife, when I was back with the guys in my dreams, I would awken covered in cum from my wet dreams of erupting shooting cocks full of cum. For the first time I was racked with guilt.

For years I thought I was the only married guy inthe world with thoughts like mine. Then I got my first computer and discoverd the world of guys who are players. Soon I found that these players are from every walk of life.They are doctors, lawyers (a lot of lawyers, it must be taught in lawshool), computer techs, teachers, salesmen and guys from every profession, even preachers.

Over the years, it has become quite clear to me that  sex among married men involves a rather large number of men These men range from men like me who have regular buddies they see weekly or monthlly to men who only get with other men once or twice a year on fishing or hunting trips. In large cities there are well organized groups of men who meet to play together. The numbers of such men are staggering.and they talk about it openly within groups set up for such activites.

For the most part, we lead two lives. On the one hand we are husbands and fathers and career men who carry out the ordinary responsibilities of being husbands and fathers. For the most part wives and families come first; but time for male/male play is factored in and for the most part, our wives never know.

If they knew, some wives wouldn't care for they don't like sex and see it as a burden. They're glad their husbands are not hounding them for sex even if it has not occurred to them that he's getting it somewhere else. For others, whose bisexual husbands enjoy and need sex with their wives just as any straight guy does, sex is a normal part of thier lives and the wife has no idea that no matter how good she is in their sexual encounters she cannot fulfill the need of her partner for a male.

I have a grown daughter who is married and I am quick to admit that the thought of her husband being with another man does not fill me with joy. Yet at the same time, I don't really feel my activites with my buddy take anything away from my wife. In fact they keep sex fresh and interesting for me and she benefits from that because I truly do enjoy straight sex. I would consider it cheating to be with another woman, but as bad as it sounds, and I know it sounds very bad to women, I don't consider my actions with my buddy as cheating. My wife does not like to camp out, she does not like to ski, she does not like to go to football games, and she does not like to fish. All these things I do with my buddies. Oh and by the way, I happen to  play with my buddy's cock. It too is just a guy thing. It reallly is. My emotions, my life, my future belong to my familly. My buddy is just play. Play that i need to feel complete. Play, the desire for which I have been unable to rid myself of.

I lead two lives. and I have come to be satisfied with that as something I cannot change.

But human sexuality is complicated. I onece worked with a married guy who fucked every woman he could get into his bed and being a good looking guy he could get plenty of them. But for him sex was never satisfying. It was just a knotch in his cock. A tallly he could keep to prove his virility.

There are guys who like sex with men that are the same way. They're scared to death of becoming emotionally attached to a guy so they just play the numbers. A different guy every time and never a satisfying experience. Promiscuity is never satisfying.  Even for guys there has to be some kind of bond, some mutual intersts. A relationship can never be built of just two cocks. And for truly bisexual men, a relationship is never a threat to their marriage.Bisexual men lead an unsual lifestyle, but they love their wives and families and they value their marriages. They just have the irresisable need for an intimate male partner.

The number of guys who are self identifying as bisexual is growing. I think this is due to the computer. The computer has opened the door to relatively frank discussions about one's sexual needs in an atmosphere of relative safety. I don't think there's a guy alive who hasn't had at least a fleeting thought about what it would be like to have another guys cock in his mouth. The computer lets these guys know they are no alone. Far from it  There are a huge number of guys who have already taken the step. Fifteen years ago you never saw a guy on line looking for another married guy to have sex with who wasn't at least in his 50's. Now its common to see 20 and 30  year olds.

Leading two lives is not easy. I wished for years I could make it go away. But I have come to see it as a gift. One that has benefited me and others. Now I would not change who I am even if I could. I enjoy each of my lives.

The ethics of the situation are complex and bothersome no doubt. I think the good news is that as homosexuality becomes more open and more accepted, fewer homosexual men will feel the need to marry women for cover. This will spare many women the heartache of finding that they are married to a man who cannot meet their emotional and physical needs. Changes in societal norms and advances in science will allow even homosexual couples to raise children. I personally know homosexual couples who are doing it now. There will be no need to marry just to father children of one's own.

For those of us who are bisexual, and I think that number is enormous, the ethics are even more complicated. Four years ago I told my wife about my bisexuality and my buddy. She was astonished that I had been able to sccessfully hide that side of myself from her for all those years. I will not tell you she like hearing the news, but she understood I had not made a choice. She understood that it was something that came with me at birth. At one point she made the statement, "I'm glad you didn't tell me when we were dating because I would not have married you. And knowing what our life has been together, I'm glad I married you and I'm still glad I did. The only thing that has changed is that I know. I won't allow something that has been going on for years and causing no problems destroy our marriage simply because I know now."

I'm sure many women will not understand that reasonsing, but I know a lot of women who have come to the same thoughts. It leaves me not knowing what a bisexual man contemplating marriage should do. When I married I had no idea I wasn't straight. I thought the guys had just been a diversion until marriage. Todays young men don't have that excuse. Bisexuality is well known. The ethical question will linger for years. For most married men bisexuality is a burden. I have never met a man who said he would have chosen it. It seems unreasonsable to me to burden one's wife with a burden of our own which she cannot lift from our shoulders, which she cannot understand and which will cause her self doubt and pain. It seems far better to me to act carefully and discreetly and shoulder our own burdens while making sure that we meet our family obligations.

Jack Scott


Friday, December 3, 2010

To Love or Not to Love

We all have our strengths and our weaknesses. We all have our blessings and our gifts as well as our burdens and our crosses to bear. The trick of building a successful and happy life, I am convinced, is to identify and play to our strengths and  to identify and constantly try to overcome our weaknesses, meet our burdens head on and carry our crosses with a degree of dignity.

My father spent years drilling that concept into me though my father never would  have put it in such terms. My father was a very successful though uneducated man who had a PhD from the "school of hard knocks." He simply drilled into me that the world didn't give a damn about me or my excuses and that my job in life was to pick myself up by my own bootstraps, kick my own ass and do what had to be done both for myself and for the benefit of others.

I was not always the person, I now am. As a boy and as a young man, I was pretty shy and pretty reserved. I was the quiet guy. Friends that have only known me for the last 30 years laugh at me when I tell them that. The change from that quiet shy guy to the guy I am now is fairly dramatic and the causes  for the change were fairly complex.

A big factor in the change was that I ended up on a career path  that demanded the ability to lead under stress and under a great deal of pressure. It demanded the ability to deal with people who were not always happy to be dealing with  me. It was exactly the situation my Dad had prepared me for. I simply had to kick myself in my own ass and force myself to perform.

For years I contributed the the change from introvert to extrovert to the demands of my career. It was a matter of providing for my family. I had no choice but to make it work and I did.

I have talked often with guys  who are curious about male/male sexuality, but who are scared to death of it at the same time.  I always assure these guys that the fear is completely normal and even a good thing. Better to be scared and careful, in my opinion than blase and careless.

Often during the course of these conversations, I'm asked, "But what if I fall in love with my Buddy?"

My answer is, "I do love my Buddy." I love him dearly."

"Doesn't that cause you confusion?" I'm asked.

In reality, the true bisexual male is not likely to be confused about feelings that may develop concerning his buddy. In my opinion, one of the biggest reasons so few men have successful male/male relationships is that they try to base those relatonships solely  on sex becasue they are so scared of the "L" word. In most cases, sex alone is never enough to sustain a relationship. And there is good reason for that. The bisexual male is not just craving sexual activity with another male. What he is actually craving is an intimate friendship with another male.

There was a time, not all that long ago, in our society when intimate  relationships were the norm between men, even American men! Life was hard  on the American frontier and it remained hard when the frontier began to be settled into small family farms. Neighbor depended up neigbor for help. Frontiersmen depended on their partners for help in almost everything they did. It took cooperation to meet the demands of life on the frontier or on an isolated small farm. Men who depended upon each other for help and protection and meeting the demands of a hard life came to know each other with an intimacy that is rare between modern men. But the fact is, men are hard wired for such relationships with other men. Biology and evolution  designed men to run in packs, to hunt together and to provide for their families together. Men who tended to be loaners simply did not surivive to reproduce themselves. Modern society tends to isolate men from one another. Each man is responsible for his own job and for his own familly. Machines are our helpers now and equipment is our protector. Women are still allowed to have their girlfriends and are even expected to do so. But, at least in America, a strong open bond between men has become suspect even though it is a biological norm.

Many guys seem to have the idea that if they fall in love with a buddy their love for their wife will automatically self destruct. In reality this is no more an inevibility for a bisexual man than the love of his second born child destroying his love for his first born child. The truly inevitable thing is that he will come to love his second born child in a different way than he loves the first. A good father loves his children as individuals and his love for them evolves to meet each of their different needs.

For a truly bisexual married guy who loves his wife, there is no problem at all in loving a buddy and loving his wife. My love for my wife is totally different from the love I hold for my buddy. The needs which my Buddy fullfills for me are totally different than the needs my wife fullfills for me. My relatoinship with my wife and my family is a love steeped in deep emotion. My feelings for my buddy are much less emotional. They are simply the expressions of a primeval need for for a male/male bond. Indeed, the love of one bisexual man for another  is probably more appropriately defined as a bond than as love.

For a guy who is in reality a married homosexual, the threat of falling in love can be somewhat more problematic. That is why, in my opinion, a guy should very carefully explore his true feelings and be honest with himself about his sexualtiy. In any circumstance, with or without falling in love with a buddy, a married homosexual guy is likely to have many more problems than those of us who are bisexual. By definition, a homosexual man is wired to respond sexually, emotionally and romantically to another man. Married homosexual men relate to their wives to different degrees. But I have never talked to a married homosexual man who feels that he can fully meet the needs of his wife for an emotional connection. On the other hand, it is quite common for a bisexual man to meet his wife's need for an emotional connection with her because he needs that emotional connection with her as much as she needs it with  him. Though there are exceptions, it is rare to find a strong marriage in which the male is a homosexual man. It is quite common to find strong marriages in which the male is bisexual in the sense that he needs a discreet intimate bond with another man.

I am quite aware, and evey bisexual man should be aware, that there are those who insist  there is no such thing as bisexuality. Many homosexual men feel those men who admit to bisexuality simply have not come to the point in their lives in which they can admit to themselves that they are homosexual. And, of course, such men exist. I have known them personally. But I also know men such as myself who have strong and successful marriages in every way, who relate fully to their wives emotionally and meet her emtional needs and yet who need an intimate bond with another man. I define that as bisexuality.

Every man, regardless of his sexuality, deserves to be comfortable in his own skin. Every man deserves to be free from guilt over something for which he has no control -- his sexuality. The recognized fact by those who study human sexuality is that our sexuality falls along a long line from exclusively and emotionally homosexual to exclusively and emotionally heterosexual. Those of us who fall out along the mid portion of that line are bisexual men. Our numbers are relatively high though societal and religious norms keep many of us from acknowledging our true sexual nature.

Not long ago in talking with another guy, he mentioned that once he accepted his sexuality he became a better man in many ways. He became more outgoing. He became more involved in life in all its activities. He actually became a better husband and father because he was no longer immersed in self hate and guilt. Listening to him, I realized, for the first time, it was not just the demands of my job that led to the change in my personality. The changes evolved along with the demands of my job, but they also evolved along with my growing self  understanding and self acceptance of my bisexuality. More than likely, I was always extroverted. I was always energized by involvement with other people which is the definition of an extrovert, but the guilt and disgust that I felt for myself had kept me isolated and quiet. It had kept me feeling alone and monstrous.

True, if I could simply choose to live my life as a straight guy, I would. But I can't. I tried for too many years and failed. I'm happy with my life now. It has meaning for me. I contribute as I am.

Saturday, November 27, 2010


Friendships are like people. I guess that stands to reason since friendships exist in the lives of people. Friendships can be casual or life long. They can change our lives and change the lives of others without our even realizing it.

A few years ago, I came across this story on line. I don't know who wrote it. I don't know if its a true story or not. But its a story that every person should hear and every person should understand. If anything, its more timely today than when I first saw it.


One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my
class walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he
was carrying all of his books.

I thought to myself, 'Why would anyone bring home all his books on a
Friday? He must really be a nerd.

I had quite a weekend planned: parties and a football game with my
friends tomorrow afternoon, so I shrugged my shoulders and went on.
As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward Kyle. They ran
at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he
landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in
the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw terrible
sadness in his eyes. My heart went out to him.

So, I jogged over to him as he crawled around looking for his
glasses, and I noticed a tear in his eye. As I handed him his
glasses, I said, 'Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives.'

He looked at me and said, 'Hey thanks!' There was a big smile on his
face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.

I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it
turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him
before. Turns out he had gone to private school before now. I would
have never hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all
the way home, and I carried some of his books.

He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to
play a little football with my friends and he said yes. We hung out
all weekend and fucked around all the nights. As I got to know Kyle,
the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him also.

Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books

I stopped him and said, 'Boy, you are gonna really build some serious
muscles with this pile of books everyday! He just laughed and handed
me half the books.

Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we
were seniors we began to think about college, sex and girls. Kyle
decided on Georgetown and I was going to Duke. I knew that we would
always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem. He was
going to be a doctor and I was going for business on a football

Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about
being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so
glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak on Graduation day,

I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really
found himself during high school. He filled out and actually looked
good in glasses. He had more dates than I had, and all the girls
loved him. Sometimes I was jealous and today was one of those days. I
could see that he was nervous about his speech. I smacked him on the
ass and said, 'Hey, big guy, you'll be great!

He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and
smiled. 'Thanks,' he said. As he started his speech, he cleared his
throat, and began: 'Graduation is a time to thank those who helped
you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers,
your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your friends... I am here
to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift
you can give them. I am going to tell you a story.'

I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the
first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He
talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his mom wouldn't have
to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me
and gave me a little smile.

'Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the

I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy
told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his mom and dad looking
at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did
I realize it's depth.

Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture
you can change a person's life. For better or for worse. We are all
in each others lives to impact one another in some way. Look for good
in others.

Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have
trouble remembering how to fly.

As, I mentioned, I don't know if the story printed above is true or not, but I know it could be. I know it could be because a similar story happened to me.

About fifteen years ago I met a guy. It seemed like a casual meeting. That the meeting took place at all was circumstantial. It was not a meeting I could have predicted. We had little in common. He was about 12  years younger than I. He had young children. Mine were grown. He was still very much a part of the busienss world in a high powered job with a national company. My career was winding down down toward retirement. He was athletic and loved loved all kinds of sports. Athletics had never been my strong point.

But for some reason there was something about this chance meeting right from the first. I had no idea what it was, but I was highly aware of it, whatever it was. At first our talk was just small talk that commonly takes place between two people who have never met before and are casually getting acquainted. But then he asked if he could talk to me privately. I agreed not knowing what was coming.

In private, he confided in me that he was planning to kill  himself. He knew how. He knew when. He knew why. He was just waiting for a family wedding to be overwith so that his death would not put a damper on what should be a happy day.

He was going to do this because he could no longer live with his sexuality. He was a married man who could not rid himself of the desire for male/male sex. He felt he was a monster. He felt he was going to Hell. He figured he might as well get it over with.

I was shocked, but at the same time I recognized that he had no reason to tell me all this other than as a desperate plea for help.

That help was to take years of hard work for both of us. It took  patience and a willingness to get involved on my part. On his part it took a willingness to believe that his life could be different even if his sexuality couldn't be. It took a willingness to consider new paradigms of faith and self worth.

For the first few years, I was naive enough to believe I was simply helping him to understand and accept himself for what he was and help him to understand all the reasons he had to live. Much to my surprise, the time came when I realized he had been helping me all along. We were in a real life symbiotic relationship and my efforts to change his outlook on life were allowing him to change my life as well.

This real life experience taught me that none of us are truly isolated from each other. All our lives are intertwined. We are our brothers' keeper and our brothers are not just our biological brothers.

In a world and a time when bullying, in person and on line, is reaching critical mass in the lives of young people across this nation; and in a time in which great strides are being made in societal acceptance of homosexuality, there is  at the same time a backlash of hate,. In such a time friendship can be a matter of life and death. To know that someone cares or conversely to feel that no one cares can be the difference in a person making a decision to live and face his  situation or die at his own hand.

My friends sexuality, ended up costing him almost everything he had. It did cost him everything he owned. It cost him many of his so called friends. But he came to know himself and for the first time in his life he came to know what it was to be  happy and to know that happiness was more than what he owned or what he was. Happiness was in accepting himself and being himself.

No one should be judged based on his sexuality. No one should be made to be a second class citizen becaue of his sexuality. No one should be disallowed to contribute to society because of his sexuality. Much that we value in life from fine art, to music, to architecture, to poetry is the product of the homosexual mind. All our lives are better because of those contributions throughout the ages.

No one should choose his friends based on sexuality, and no one should withhold his friendship from another based on sexuality either. We should all be aware that our attitudes and our actions can have profound effect on the lives of others.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Majority of Americans Believe Churches Contribute to Gay & Bi Suicides

According to an article on Belief Blog, two thirds of Amercian believe churches contribute to suicides among gay and bi persons. (The blog article is posted below and can also be seen on line by clicking here .

I am happy to say that my own local United Methodist Church is tolerant of gay people and several members are both openly gay and openly accepted in the fellowship of the church. Yet at the same time church hierarchy has not reached the level of acceptance that many of the members in the pews have reached because church dogma still discriminates against gay and bisexual persons by not allowing them in clerical positions. (Of course there are gay and bi clergy who serve quite well, they just do so under the radar of those who would disciminate against them.)

As a Christian, I often ponder the question of whether, on balance, religion is and historically has been a force for good or a force for evil in the world. There is no doubt that religion and religious people do great good in the world. Again, my own local church is responsible for feeding many who would otherwise be hungry and clothing many who would otherwise be without. That is no small thing in our community.

On the other hand, there are the Reverend (I use the title with great derision) Phelps' of Kansas (and the world) who go out of their way to spead hate in the name of the God of love and peace.

To those who are not Christians and know little about Christianity, I can only ask that you be aware that real Christians do not see themselves as saints. Indeed they do not see themselves as any better than anyone else in any manner whatsoever. They simply see themselves as sinners seeking redemption. Among the ranks of Christians one will find thiefs, liers, adulterers and people of all sorts doing all sorts of evil. But on their best days these sinners are also feeding the hungry, caring for the sick and conforting the weary. And they strive to make their better days outnumber their bad days.

Because this country is still overwhelmingly a country of believers, perhaps it is a sign of hope that two thirds of the people in the country (a large number of which mathematically have to be Christians themselves) see that the church universal and Christians personally are not following the example of Christ when it comes to dealing with those whose sexuality is outside the mainstream.

See the article below.

Two out of three Americans believe gay people commit suicide at  least partly because of messages coming out of churches and other places of  worship, a survey released Thursday found.

More than four out of 10 Americans say the message coming out of churches  about gay people is negative, and about the same number say those messages  contribute "a lot" to negative perceptions of gay and lesbian people.

Catholics were the most critical of their own churches' messages on  homosexuality, while white evangelical Christians gave their churches the  highest grades, the survey found.

The Public Religion Research Institute asked 1,017 Americans their views  on religion and homosexuality between October 14 and 17, in the wake of a highly publicized rash of suicides by gay people.

Gay rights campaigner Dan Savage said the idea that churches send out an  anti-gay message "totally jibes with my experience and that of millions of  other gay and lesbian people."

He cited Joel Burns, a Forth Worth, Texas, city councilman whose  emotional tale of being bullied as a young gay man went viral on the internet.

"He remembers being told to go home and commit suicide and that he was  going to hell," Savage said, adding that the source of such attitudes "wasn't  in algebra."

Leaders of the Christian right "have redefined Christianity so that it is  about being anti-gay," he said.

And he cited other poll findings that suggest more Americans than ever  before define themselves as having no religion.

"When you dig down, you found people who said they were Christians who  didn't want to be identified with being anti-gay," he argued.

But Jim Daly, the head of Focus on the Family, argued in a commentary for  CNN that Christian churches are not to blame.

"To violate the dignity of another person, in any form or fashion, is to  contradict the very basis of Gospel-centered living. And to suggest that an  orthodox understanding of Christianity encourages abuse against homosexuals is  a sad misreading of the very tenets of the faith," he said.

"Some self-described Christians do not act in Christ-like ways toward  those who are different than they are," he conceded.

"They save their harshest judgments for the sins they don't struggle with  themselves. That is not biblical Christianity in practice," he said.

Only five out of 100 people gave churches generally an A for their  handling of "the issue of homosexuality" in the Public Religion Research Institute survey, while 28 percent said their own church handled it well.

One in three people said that messages from places of worship contribute  "a lot" to higher rates of suicide among gay and lesbian youth.

Another one in  three said they contribute "a little." Only one in five said they do not  contribute at all. The rest said they did not know.

Americans were equally split on whether homosexual relationships between  adults are wrong, with 44 percent saying yes and 46 percent saying no.

The sampling margin on the survey, a joint project of PRRI and Religion News Service, is plus or minus 3 percentage points.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

The Chains That Bind Us

In a conversation with a married bisexual man a while back, he referred to his life as a prison of his own making. Though he used this reference in passing and as part of a much wider discussion, it was that he considered his life a prison of his own making that I remember most about the discussion. The term burned into my mind and caused me to think and reflect over my own life and the lives of some of the people I know best.

I guess, to be honest, the use of that analogy stuck me because I immediately applied it to almost half of my own life. For almost 30 years, I was in a prison of my own making. That is not to say that the cirucumstance of my life did not contribute  to the construction of my prison. It did contribute greatly. But it was I who built the walls around a portion of my life and it was I who chained myself to those walls.

Over the years, I have been in the postion to and have had the privilege of talking to hundreds of men about their most intiment thoughts, desires and fears. Men do not talk easily about such things, and it means a great deal to me that I am able to foster a degree of trust  in so many guys that they are comfortable in sharing with me things that more than likely they have never shared with anyone else.

It occurred to me almost immediately that while men have shared their triumphs and their successes with me, more often than not what they have shared with me is the story of the prison they have built for themselves within their own lives and their persepctives from the wall to which they have chained themselves with heavy and burdensome chains of their own making.

Some might say to me, yes I am in prison and yes I am chained by heavy and budrdensome chains but it is certainly not of my own making. God or the circumstances of my life have done this to me.

That argument just won't hold up under honest self reflection and evaluation. Everyone, no matter who he is or what the cirucmstances of his life may be, is faced with adversity. Life can only be lived in the face of adversity. It can only be lived well by overcoming that adversity. To the extent that we find ourselves happy and successful in our life is in direct ratio to the extent to which we have overcome and indeed capitalized on the adversity we have encountered in our life. And conversely, to the extent that we find ourselves unhappy and unsuccessful in our life is in direct ratio to the extent  which we have failed to overcome the adversity we encounter in our life.

When I was a child, I was blessed with a loving and caring mother who took great pains to see that I was never without support and a sense of belonging. I appreciated that and I loved my mother dearly  for the love and support I knew she provided me.

At the same time, I was blessed with a strict and demanding father though I did not count that as a blessing at the time. While my mother showered me with measureless love and care, my father made it his business to teach me that the world was a cold and cruel place and it didn't give a damn about me. My father knew the only way to survive the adversity the world had to offer was to kick myself in my own ass and stand up on my own two feet and do what I had to do to achieve the life I desired.

The lessons of my father were so cold and so hard that I grew up thinking he didn't love me at all. He just existed to make my life miserable and he took joy in doing it, I thought. It was not until I was in my 30's with children of my own that I came to reaizle that my father loved me as much as my mother had, but he saw his job as different from hers. Her job was to support me always and to be there whenever I needed her. His job was to make me tougher than the world I was going to have to take on as an adult.

The lessons my mother taught me were invaluable to me, but it was the lessons my father taught me that moved me from a child born in a little shack next to a railroad track to an educated and successful man.

I have become convinced, that  part of what is wrong with this country currently is that there are too many boys who have grown into manhood having been raised by their mothers absent of a father. Either the father was physically absent or he was effectively absent because he put all his time and energy into making a living. Boys need their fathers to teach them the lessons my father taught me.

The other thing that is wrong with this country is that there are too many boys (and girls) who have been raised by parents that chose to be their "friends" rather than their mentors. There are too many parents who are unwilling to impose the discipline on their sons necessary for meeting and dealing with adversity head on and coming out on the winning side.

In my own case, I learned the lessons of my father well and applied them to most of the areas of my life. The one area to which I did not apply them soon enough was in dealing with my sexuality.

When I discovered that even though I was a married man with a beautiful wife who gave me everything I wanted sexually, yet it was not enough, I was shocked and bewildered. What kind of monster was I that I could enjoy sex with my wife and then go to sleep and dream about sex with a guy?

As a man, this upset me. As a Christian, it placed me outside the boundaries of everything I had been taught concering my religioius faith. The pain was so great and my bewilderment so complete that rather than meet this adversity head on, I began to build my own prison for that part of my life. Block by block I built up that prison. Link by link I forged the chains I used to bind my body and my desires to those dark dank and cold prison walls. Only in my dreams at night could I be free and even that was a mixed bag because in the morning the dreams only supplied more bricks and mortar for higher and stronger walls for my prison.

This went on for almost 30 years. When I was 49 years old, I got my first computer. I discovered, much to my amazment, I was not alone in my thoughts and my desires.There were millions of men just like me. This discovery was the first crack in my prison walls.

Over the next three years, I began to tear down those walls bit by bit. I have never been so scared in all my life as I was when I made those first faltering steps into my bisexuality. Luckily for me, I found some great men along the way who helped me to understand myself and show me the options for dealing with my situation. Most of these men were other Christian men. A few were not, but we were all in a common situation and as in any adversity, the more heads you put together, the better your chances of success and success was finally mine.

I knew I had been hurting for 30 years. I didn't realize how badly I had been hurting until the hurt went away. I didn't realize how peace of mind really felt until I found it. For me peace of mind came though acknowledging to myself that I was a bisexual man, not by choice but by birth, and by acknowledging that my bisexuality did not make me a bad man, it just made me me.  It came with my acknowledging to myself that in fact my bisexuality was a gift not a curse and that there was a purpose for it. It came by acknowledging to myslef that I could love my wife, meet my responsibilities to her and my family and at the same time enjoy my buddy and satisfy the hunger that I had so long denied.

Now, I have the opportunity to converse with many guys who are struggling just as I did. A few of these guys, given just a bit of support and just a ray of understanding that they are who and what they are for a purpose, can use that support and understanding to tear down their self constructed prisons.

Unfortunately, most cannot and will not. Too many have used their misunderstanding of their religious faith to fashion chains that are almost impossible to break. Others have used the boundaries of so called societal norms to do the same thing. Whatever the source of the raw material, the chains are equally as effective.

For me, I was actually able through a lot of study and reflection to turn my religious faith into a new paradign. I came to see that I was what God made me to be; and that he made me, as I am, for a purpose. My bisexuality was not a curse, it was a gift. A gift meant to be used for good. I found that good in helping other guys who are struggling with their own sexuality  to learn to live with it. That does not mean they learn to live with it in the way I live with mine. But they learn to live with it in a way that works for them. There is no one blueprint. There are many.

For guys who are not men of faith, the process, I think, is similar. Perhaps it is even a little bit easier. You only have this one life. You only have today. There is no promise of tomorrow. You get one shot at the brass ring. It's best to reach out and grab it. Life is way too short to be unhappy. Have the courage to make hard decisions. Have the courage to be happy and content. Don't settle for a meager existence when you could have an awesome existence.

My only regret at this point in my life is that I wasted 30 years. How I would like to have those 30 years back. It would be even more tragic to waste a life time.

Let me hasten to add, I am not encouraging anyone to rush hog wild into a careless and hedonistic life. There is no sense of self fulfillment and certainly no peace of mind to be had in such a wasted life. Guys who tear down their prison walls and throw off their chains and enter into such a self centered life as that simply trade one prison for another and one set of chains for an even heavier set of chains.

The kind of action I am urging is action that affirms yourself and at the same time fullfills your responsibilities to others. However, keep in mind that your responsibilities to others may not always make those others happy in the short run when you begin to carry them out. Good medicine does not always go down easily and it is often bitter, but in the long run it brings you back to health. Such is it with dealing with your sexuality.

Above all, do not be afraid to step out beyond  your confort zone. As long as you are comfortable, you will never make any real progress. At the same time, be very very careful with what you say to those you love. Once said, nothing can ever be unsaid. You will have to live with the results of your words for the rest of your life. Whatever you do, do not make your burden someone elses burden on the premise that it is the honest thing to do. Most of us have things in our lives with which we should deal privately. If you find you must share your inner most thoughts with someone, be careful to consider the possible implications. Consider sharing them with a trusted friend or even a psychotherapist before you lay a burden on a loved one that they cannot understand or cope with.

As the old saying goes, "lead, follow or get out of the way." For married men dealing with sexual desires for other man I think that old saying translates in to get off your ass and do something constructive about it. Don't just wallow in your unhappiness. By all means, if you can, put the thoughts behind you. Forget them.  Don't look at porn or do anything else that encourages  those thoughts. If you can manage that, its the simplest way to deal with it all.

Unfortunately, almost no man can do that. You will find with each passing year the thoughts get more demanding and your prison gets more solid around you. Finally, it becomes the immoveable object against the irresistable force and that is a cataclysm just waiting to happen. Guys that let themselves get to that point do crazy and dangerous things.

Its much better to tear down the walls and to break the chains that bind you when they are only difficult to manage and not impossible to manage.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

The Nature of Men

I read of a new research study the other day that is the latest in a long line of studies which find there is no such thing as bisexuality. According to this and other studies before it, men are either heterosexual or homosexual.

Those who consider themselves bisexual are really homosexual men who have not yet come to a place in their lives where they can admit to themselves that they are homosexual men according to these studies.

I guess if I had to sum up what I have to say about this and other so called studies on the matter it would be  a two word term we use often here in Texas -- bull shit!

Saying that there is no such thing as bisexuality is like saying there is no such thing as ice. There's only water. And in a way, that's a pretty good analogy. In fact, there is only water. But water which is a common element can take many forms. It can be liquid, solid or vapor and many other things through applications of modern chemistry.

Such is the condition of human sexuality, especially human male sexuality. The sexuality of the human male is complex to an infinite degree. There are almost as many permutations as there are men. Admittedly, there are men in need of reading well conducted studies to help them figure out just who and what they are; but the men who need such help the most are the least likely to get it by reading some supposedly scientific study.

On the other hand, there are men like me and thousands and thousands like me who don't need some pseudo scientific study to tell them the nature of their sexuality. That is not to say that I and those other tens of thousands of men have been blessed all our lives in knowing ourselves and our sexuality. Far from it.

But it is precisely because we have examined our sexuality personally, intimately, painfully and at great personal risk over a lifetime, that we don't need such studies to know that bisexuality does exist and some of us, more than likely a great number of us, are in fact bisexual men.

The sexuality of men and women are radically different from one another. The difference in a man's sexuality, I think, begins to take shape as a young boy. I know I began to develop my sexuality at least as  young as age 4 and perhaps even before that. Most baby boys are born with an erection. At the moment of birth, the baby boy presents with a solid erection. Much of what makes him a boy and much of what will eventually make him a man centers around that  ability to present an erect penis and the hormonal and physical systems that work in the background of his mind and body to produce it, not just at his will, though he is quite capable of producing it at his will; but also,  just as importantly, capable of producing it against his will and at times he would least want it to present.

Admittedly, boys differ in the timing  of really discovering their penises. I have talked to a  lot of guys about this; and some, like me, discovered it by age 4. Many discovered it around age  6. Some really never discovered their penises as an instrument of pleasure until they were 10 to 12 years of age.

But no matter when the discovery acutally takes place boys grow into men overwhelmingly affected by their penises. It is always hanging there accompanied by the testicles in his scrotum. It is always obvious. It is something that even a young boy learns to  protect and defend because not to do so can cause great pain.

At the same time, because it is always hanging there, most boys, even young boys, discover by accident or design that the penis can easily be made to feel very very good. Does there exist a man who as a boy did not contemplate his penis as he sat naked in the bathtub and began to realize that this was a pretty wonderful thing he had going for himself?  Little boys are told by their mothers to "clean up," to wash themselves. It doesn't take a boy very long to learn that a little soap on his penis can be a very good thing. A little boy may not like to wash his face, but I guarnatee you , given the privacy to do so he likes to make sure his penis is very clean. It is rewarding to do so. At some point, the young man discovers that not only can this remarkable appendage be made to feel good; it can, with the right manipulation send almost unbearable pleasure streaking throughout his body curling his toes, causing him to involuntarily go rigid  with pleasure, even to invountarily cry out. At first, for a younger boy, there is no outward or visible  product  of this orgasm except as described above. But as a boy approaches his tenth or eleventh birthday that is likely to change. The orgasm is accompanied by an emission of fluid from his penis that makes the orgasm even better.

The other thing that happens in the lives of many boys because their penises are always hanging around is that they learn that other boys  have them too and that what can be fun as a solitary exercise can be even more fun when shared with friends. In my case, in the small Texas town where I grew up there was a whole gang of us who had lots of fun together. We didn't love each other, we were not emotionally tied to each other. We were just being boys. We were doing things boys do. We were doing things men do too.

Because we did this things as play, even called it "play," homosexual activity came to have its own place in our lives and in our psyches. For guys, sexuality can be romantic and emotional, but it can also be comletely divorced from romance and emotion. Such is usually not the case with women and their sexuality.

Later, in my case and as far as I know, in the case of all the other boys who played in that little Texas town, a strange thing began to happen. In spite of all the boy on boy play which did not involve emotions or romance, we began to have thoughts of another type of sexual activity which did. We were drawn to it. We discussed it at length even as we had each others cocks in our hands. This new interest was sex with girls. We all had all the sex we wanted with each other. It was a daily thing, but all that sex didn't have any effect on the new interest, the new goal of having sex with a girl, of romancing her and becoming emotionally involved with her.

In my own case, I was interested enough to play kissing games with girls by age 10. By age 12, I was interested in a whole lot more; but in that day and time ,12 year old girls might or might not be interested. Interested or not, they were not going to make anything easily available on a daily basis as my male buddies did.

By the time I was 14, I had a drivers license and access to a car and began to date. By the time I was 16, I had met the girl who was to become my wife; and by the time I was 18, I was married.

My wife enjoyed sex. And she was very very good at it. Nothing I desired was denied to me by her, yet as much as I came to love heterosexual sex and believe me, I love it and as much as I came to love my wife and I do love her, all this did nothing to satiate the desire for sexual activity with guys. And I admit this was a big surprise to me.

It took me 30 years to figure out on my own without the help of so called scientific studies that I was a bisexual male. I don't know what else you would call someone who loves both straight and gay sex. I don't know how else you would classify someone who can and does respond willingly and enthusiastically to both men and women sexually. I don't know what term you would use for one whose desire for one has absolutely no affect on his desire for the other. Such a person is not just heterosexual. Such a person is not homosexual. It seems to me that such a person is indeed bisexual.

Human sexuality, especially human male sexuality is not a place on a line. Instead it is a long length along that line from straight to gay and like any line, there is a middle point on the line of male sexuality. That middle point, one might say even that mid length along the line, is bisexuality.

Without a doubt, there are married men who call themselves bisexual as a matter of convenience, denial  or fear. My first adult male buddy was such a man. Our relationship lasted for ten years. At the time we met, he was not yet ready and indeed he was not yet capable of admittedly seeing himself as a homosexual male.  In his case, and I think it is so in most such cases, he became capable of seeing himself as a homosexual male before he became capable of telling me or anyone else he was a homosexual male. But in the end, he did tell me he was a  homosexual male and that to be happy, he had to find and make a new life with another homosexual male. That was a place I could not go. It was a goal I could not share. Emotionally and romantically, I was tied to my wife, not to metion legally and socially. And that is where the big difference between homosexual men  and bisexual men and heterosexual men presents itself. Homosexual men can relate romantically and emotionally only to men. Bisexual men can relate to either a woman or a man in such a manner and heterosexual men can relate emotionally and romantically only to a woman. For me, what he and I had been doing all those years was the same thing I did as a boy, it was play. In fact it was play for him too. He did not love me. He was not romantically bound to me, though there was a strong emotional tie to me and me to him that lasts to even now. But he needed a romantic sexual partner to whom he could relate and he came to realize that partner would be another man. The day came when he was able to tell his wife, his kids, his siblings and his parents that he was a homosexual man.

Fortunately for him, he was a very lucky homosexual man. Everyone in his family, except for his wife, stood beside him and supported him. That support did not mean the transition was  painless. It was not. I have never talked with any man who  has not had to overcome adversity of some sort because of his bisexuality or his homosexuality. It just doesn't happen. In fact, the adversity that always accompanies  a man's discovery that he is something other than heterosexual is enough reason in and of itself to make the premise that such a discovery is a choice utterly rediculous. Who whould choose such a thing? Who would give up so much voluntarily?

Recently, Pastor Jim Swilley of the Church in The Now, a Georgia megachurch publically announced  that he is and always has been a homosexual. According to Swilley, he was ultimately motivated  to come out becasue of the resent spate of suicides by several young homosexual boys. His action, he said, was intended to join other high profile men in proclaiming to young homosexual men that life does get better and life as a homosexual man can be successful and rewarding. Swilley's announcement to his church is available on line and is worth listening to by any guy who is struggling with his homosexuality or bisexuality. It can be found by clicking  here.

Predictably, the harshest response to Jim Swilley has come from so called Christians, many of whom have gone out of their way to interpret his coming out in the vilest of terms. The Christian Right is always quick to publically proclaim they hate the sin, but love the sinner. I would dread to see and hear the reaction of the Christian Right if they hated Jim Swilley. The manner in which they have expressed their love for him is shocking.

While Jim Swilley's brand of religion is not the kind with which I would be comfortable, his understanding of the Gospel of Christ is much sounder than that of the Relgious Right who have so hatelfully singled him out as one to be reviled. Swilley understands that no one, including Christian Pastors is without sin. Those who revile him are quick to give extra weight to real and perceived sins which they decide deserve such empahsis. Swilley understands that no one can be good enough to deserve salvation. He understand that the Gospel of Christ teaches we all are saved through grace and that nothing separates us from the grace of God -- even homosexuality or bisexuality.

I  don't know for sure why Jim Swilley decided to come out of the closet now after more than 25 years in the ministry.  Since I don't know, I  guess I'll take him at  his word until I'm proved wrong to do so. Why would a man who is at the penticle of his career do something that could destroy it? I think a conscientious man whith a genuine concern for other young homosexual and bisexual men might do such a thing!

Swilley  is certainly not the first Christian Minister to come to the public's attention and he won't be the last. Ted Haggard and others have had their own sexuality publically scrutinized before. In my way of thinking, Swilley is a cut above the others because he didn't say he'd change and didn't ask forgiveness for who he is. Instead, he asked for understanding and he asked those closest to him to think about the fact that he is today, the same man he has always been. Nothing has changed except now they (and everyone) know.

There are other things I think we are all beginning to know. Those who scream the loudest about what the Bible has to say on any give subject are those who know the message of the Gospel least. Those who are the most hateful and vehement in their condemnation of homosexuality and bisexuality are those most likely fighting their own demons and are themselves consumed with fear and loathing of their own sexual thoughts and desires.

The nature of men is such that we all should spend less time condemning one another and more time learning to accept one another. I have heterosexual, homosexual and bisexual friends who are all very dear to me. They all fill a place in my life. Those who are homosexual or bisexual take nothing at all from my heterosexual friends. They give much!

Monday, November 1, 2010

Politics, Bullying, Sin & Suicide

Politics, Bullying, Sin & Suicide are everywhere one turns these days. After next Tuesday's election perhaps we'll get a few weeks break from politics before the campaign for the 2012 elections start, but I doubt it really.

In Sunday's Houston Chronicle there was an editorial by Leonard Pitts, Jr. The title of the editorial was: "Arkansas school official is now the new face of hate." The editorial was  prompted by a public rant from Clint McCance, Vice President of the Midland School Disstrict in Arkansas. Mr. McCance apparently felt put out by a call for people to wear purple as a means of highlighting the bullying problem in the the wake of five recent suicides by gay teenagers. He went on Facebook to vent.

"Seriously they want me to wear purple because five queers committed suicide," he ranted. "The only way im (sic) wearin (sic) it for them is if they all commit suicide. I cant (sic) believe the people of this world have gotten this stupid. We are honoring the fact that they sinned and killed thereselves (sic) because of their sin. REALLY PEOPLE. It pisses me off ... that we make (sic) special purple fag day for them. I like that fags can't procreate. I also enjoy the fact that they often give each other AIDS and die. I would disown my kids if they were gay. They will not be welcome at my home or in my vicinity. I will absolutely run them off. Of course my kids will know better. My kids will have solid christian beliefs."

I hardly know where to begin. As in so much that is political these days, I don't know which worries me more, the people that elect the idiots and the biggots and the incompetents to pubic office or those that are elected! Mr. McCance, like so many in local, state and national elective offices certainly has no business representing the American people in any office whatsoever. As for his kids, where will they find solid Christian beliefs to immulate? Certainly not from their father, he has none himself!

Mr. Pitts related a story concerning President Kennedy. In a meeting at the White House, the president told civil rights leaders they ought not be too hard on Bull Connor. Connor, he said with a grin, "Has done as much for civil rights as Abraham Lincoln."

Theophilus Eugene Conor was commissioner of public safety in Birmingham, Alabama. When one sees archival footage of children being menaced by police dogs or bowled over by water from fire hoses, one is seeing the handiwork of Bull Conor. Bull Conor's authorizing of such action became the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. That news footage on televisions around the world awakened the nation and hastened civil rights legislation. The President's point was that none of it would have happened but for Birmingham's top cop, who laid out the rawness of his hatered for all to see.

Mr Pitts goes on to suggest that Mr. McCance may play the same part in the movement to end discrimination and hate based on ones sexual orientation.

When I was a child, I was often told that God would use me. I was told God wanted to use me as a good example for others. But I was reminded that he would use me as a bad example if he had no  other choice. Here's hoping that God sees fit to use Mr. McCance as a bad example to the world.

Mr. McCance hates homosexuals and takes comfort only in the fact that they can't procreate. Can you imagine what hate he harbors for those of us who are bisexuals and do procreate? Of course Mr. McCance is showing his ignorance in more than one way. My best friend in the world as well as several other personal friends are gay and the father's of children.

I have lived in the American south all my life. America is a Christian country as we have discussed before and the heart of American Christianity is the American South. Yet, just as black people were not allowed to worship in white churches on Sunday mornings prior to the late 1960's, gay and bisexual people are often not welcomed to openly worship in the churches of most major denominations. American churches, especially those that represent the Christian Right and the fundamental view of Christinaity say they hate the sin and love the sinner, but I'm afraid Mr. McCance is the real face of those who say they hate the sin and love the sinner on Sunday morning, but hate what they consider to be a sin and also hate the "fag" Monday through Saturday.

I am a Christian man. I'm in church every Sunday not just to sit in the seat but also to serve as a leader within our congregation. I am proud of the fact that within my little corner of the Christian world, gay and lesbian people are welcomed into our United Methodist worship services. I am proud of the fact that we  have a minister who unlike most Christian ministers knows that God loves gays and lesbians just as much as he loves any other person. Yet, even within the United Methodist Church, at the national level, discrimination against gay, bisexual and lesbians is still the norm because the church will not allow such people to serve as pastors. It's not that there are not bisexual, gay and lesbian pastors in the Methodist church, there are. I know one or two personally. But they are there because they have been able to keep a part of their life secret.

It amazes me that those who are national leaders of the church do not fully understand the Gospel of Jesus Christ. They don't stop divorced people from being ministers. They don't stop people who smoke cigarettes from being ministers. They don't stop people who commit other sins in the eyes of the church from being pastors, but contrary to the word of God, they choose to elevate what they suppose to be the sin of bisexuality or homosexuality above other sins and single out those sinners for special discimination.

The Bible itself clearly teaches that in the eyes of God sin is sin. There are no great sins and no small sins. ALL are sinners and all are equal in the sight of God. But as Christians, we don't like that. We don't like that we should be compared to "those" people.

Fortunately, discrimination and hate based on ones sexuality is reaching critical mass in this country. The time is near when one's sexuality will have no impact on one's career, his religion or his community status.

For now, many of us as married bisexual men feel for one good reason or the other that we must remain in the closet on this issue. That does not mean we cannot affect the battle. We can. We can affect it with our vote and with our open call for an end to discrimination in whatever form it may exist, even in our churches. Many of us are in postions of power and as  powerful men we can exert subtle pressure or even  overt pressure for change and the acceptance of change. This blog and the BisexualBuddies Yahoo Group that I have moderated for years are just my small contributions to affect change. I certainly don't think I've changed the world, but I know for certain I have affected the lives of a few other men as individuals in a  positive way because they have told me so.

No one should be have to suffer at the hands of a bully for any reason. Only God should judge us for our sins. No one should be placed in a position where death seems better than life because of his sexual desires. It just should not happen. And whether we are gay, bisexual or straight, we all should be able to support that stance openly and vocally and we should say to the Clint McCance's of the world that  your day is over. Your way  of thinking is over. Get use to it!

By the way, just so I not dismissed as just another bleeding heart liberal, let me confirm that I am a Republican. I'm not a Right Wing Republican by any means, but never the less I am Republican and I vote Republican. I disagree with much that the right wing of the Republican party avows. But I'll be damned if they or anyone else are going to tell me how to think and what position I take on any issue. All Americans need to consider the same stance be they Republican, Democrat or Independent! The time for each of us to step up to personal thinking and personal responsibility is at hand. The future of our very way of life is at stake if we do not.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Bisexuality Is More Common Than You Think

For so many years, I was in a personal hell of my own making. As far as I knew I was the only married guy in the world that thought of other guys with lust for their hard cocks and hard bodies even though I had a beautiful wife who gave me all the great sex I wanted and was very very good at it to boot.

To make matters worse, I was a Christian guy. I was not only a Christian guy, I was in church every Sunday and I was a leader in my church, not just a member in the seats. I was bound to be the  only Christian married man who dreamed of hard cocks and handsome men and craved a connection with them.

In those pre computer age days there simply was no way to know without exposing oneself to great danger how other guys felt about their sexuality or what their wet dreams were about.

In late 1990's I got my first laptop. For the first time I had the means and the opportunity to begin to explore the web. Much to my surprise, I found not only was I not alone; but there were millions of Christian married men just like me.

In a 2006 article by Antonio Galarza, Mr. Galarza states when you look at the romantic orientation of men, 71% are heteroromanitc meaning they have romantic feelings only for women.  He goes on to state that 15% of men are biromantic. That means that 15 % of men have romantic feelings toward other men as well as towards women. Another 13.5 percent of men are homoromantic which means they only respond to men romantically and do not respond to women romantically.

When it gets down to putting the boots on the ground, so to speak, and looking at the sexual orientation of men as opposed their romantic orientation, Mr. Galarza contends, shockingly,  that fully 79.5% of men are bisexual. In other words almost 8 of every 10 men are bisexual and are physically and emotionally capable of responding sexually to both other men and to women. In addition to the 80% whose sexual orientation is bisexual, Mr. Galarza contends that another 10% of men's sexual orientation is homosexual meaning the can respond sexually only to other men. Most shocking of all, Mr. Galarza contends that only 10% of all men are heterosexual in their sexual orientation, meaning that only 1 in every ten men is capable only of responding to a woman sexually.

Mr. Gararza does not contend that 80% of men are in fact actively bisexual. His contention is that they have had bisexual contacts at some point in their life or are capable of having such  contacts and responding to them. To put it in the simplists of terms, Mr. Galarza contends that bisexuality is the norm for the human male. It is only the power of cultural, societal and religious constraints that inhibit men from being what they biologically are. Anyone who has studied Greek and Roman culture can begin to see the possibilities behind Mr. Galarza's reasonsing. In those cultures bisexuality was the norm and it was a social norm as well as a biological norm. The Spartans were the greatest warrior society the wolrd has ever known and biexuality was the foundation upon which that fearsome warrior society was based. A man was fighting not only for  his country, his wife and his family, he was fighting beside his sexual partner and protecting his partner's life, while his partner did the same.

Mr. Galarza goes on to say, "It is the innate bisexuality of males that causes most straight-identified guys to fear anything gay. The label bisexual is rejected by "heterosexual" people -- and by straight males, in particular -- because they think that it means rejecting the opposite sex romantically. But one can be straight in the romantic sense and bisexual in the purely sexual sense -- at least, males can, who easily divorce sex from romance. One can also be gay in the romantic sense and bisexual in the purely hormonal sense. In other words, people can identify in more than one way if presented with new analytical concepts and multitiered orientation scales...."

While much of what Mr. Galarza writes would be shocking to the average American male, I found it fit me to a T. My romantic orientation is strictly heterosexual. I have always been romantically in love with my wife. I cannnot imagine being romantically in love with another man. However, since I was six years old, my sexual orientation has be bisexual. I guess in one sense, I would have to say that from the time I was six years old to about age twelve my sexual orientation was homosexual becasue I did not have and did not wish to have sexual encounters with girls at that age. However sexual encounters with other boys was a daily thing for me at that age. At about age twelve, right on schedule, I became interested in girls sexually and continued to have daily sexual encounters with guys. I had become bisexual in my sexual orientation.

Since I resolved to face my desires, I have had four long term buddies. All but one of these men have been Christians. The one was raised a Christian (Catholic) but rejected a belief in God as an adult. If anything, my personal experiece has been that while they are most likely to suffer guilt because of their sexual desires, Christian men seem somewhat more prone to express their bisexuality in male/male sexual activity than do those who are not believers.

Whatever the truth may be, it is true that America is one of the most Christian nations on earth. New surveys by the Pew Research Center continue to confirm that Americans are overwhelmingly people of faith. For that reason, married bisexual men must generally come to terms with their sexuality within the context of their faith or they cannot come to terms with it at all. This can be pretty difficult for those men who are part of the fundamental Christian right. However, as the news media regularly inform us, even national leaders of the fundamental Christian right are not immune to desires for hard cocks and hard bodies. The only thing that is shocking to me is that so many of these nationally known figures are so careless in exercising their desires.

As a long time moderator of a group for married bisexual men, I come into contact with a great number of men and discuss their sexuality openly with them.  A significant percentage of these men are clergy. A significant number of them, like other Christian men have feelings of guilt regarding their sexuality just as I did in my early married life.

I had to make my way though that guilt on my own. But as the old saying goes, "that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger." I am a stronger person for having pulled myself up by my own bootstraps and studied and reasoned myself to peace within my own heart and soul.

Now I am well aware that educated and learned men like Antonio Galarza have found bisexuality to be within the norms of human sexuality. I am part of one of the larger mainstream moderate Protestant churches and my own pastor is emphathetic to gay and bisexual persons which is as it should be as they are as God made them. All but the Psychotherapist who also happen to be fundamental Christians consider bisexuality to be within the norms of human sexuality.

The goal of this blog is not to convince those who choose to see it differently they are wrong. Instead, the goal of this blog is to convince those who are struggling with their marriage and their bisexuality they are not outside the human norm and they are not alone. To help them to see that peace and self understanding are possible.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Welcome to Jack Scott's BisexualBuddies Blog

Since I was a very young child, I had a strong interest in other males. At first I didn't think this interest made me different from other boys in any particular way because I lived in a small Texas town where entertainment was almost non existent other than what we could organize ourselves as kids.

Boys being boys, and being boys who were together from morning to night we were very much aware of the marvelous appendage  hanging between our legs and how good it could be made to feel. With little else to do and knowing each other so well, sexual activity was a group thing for us. Everyone did it and everyone enjoyed it.

We would play together in groups sometimes as big as ten or more and we would pair off at times based on personal interests and other factors. No one was ever made to do anything he didn't want to do and everyone was treated with respect. It was in many ways, an ideal childhood.

The sexual play continued into and through high school. Though some boys had dropped out by high school most still played. It wasn't that we were not interested in girls by this time, we were; but sex with our buddies was always available. Such was not the case with girls.

I married at 18. I assumed with a young beautiful wife who liked sex and was good at it in my bed each night the guy sex would die a natural death. I was devastated when that did not happen. In spite of all the great sex I wanted and more than I needed, the desire for my guy friends got stronger and stronger.

It was at this point, in those pre internet days, that I came to believe that I was the only married guy in the world who thought the thoughs and had the desires that I have. I began to think I was some kind of monster.

For years I fought off the desires and took no action concerning them. I could put it all out of my mind during the day, but at night I would dream dreams of hot guys and hard cocks and would awaken covered in my own cum.

Finally, the computer age arrived and I got my first computer. I made a huge discovery. There were chat rooms for gay and bisexual men. I was not unaware of homosexuality. I was totally unaware of bisexuality. I was totally unaware that there are tens of thousands of gay and bisexual married men around the world who struggle with their sexuality.

Those chat rooms opened a new world for me. I began to study everything I could get my hands on concerning homosexuality and bisexuality. I came to see that I was not a married homosexual man, but rather a married bisexual man. Through contacts with other men both in person and on the internet, I began to come to know myself and to respect myself again.

I came to see that I was not a monster. I was a successful man. A good husband and father. But like many other such men, I was bisexual.

I know for a fact that there are tens of thousands of such men still out there struggling with their sexual desire for men at the same time they try to be good husbands and fathers. This blog is dedicated to those men and my hope is that it will become a point of contact and communication for such men so that they can learn to accept themselves for what they are by birth and not by choice, gay or bisexual men.

I look forward to your participation in the blog and to your comments. Nothing is off limits in this blog. Since the goal is self understanding each participant must be free to express himself in the context of who he is.

We do not sit in judgement in this blog. We never attack. We never condemn. We offer a helping hand with empathy and genuine concern for one another.

Things like religion are touchy subjects. They are emotional subjects; but most Americans are religious people. A man cannot come to peace with his sexuality unless he does so within the context of his faith. Therefore religion can be discussed in the context of how it relates to ones sexuality. No one will be permitted to use the blog as a pulpit for converting others to their own brand of religion however.

By the same token, many are not religioius at all. Thousands of Americans have died for our right not only to practice our religious faith but also to be free of any religious faith at all if we so choose. No one will be condemned in this blog for being an atheist or a doubter.

I look forward to your comments and your contributions to self understanding of those of use who are married gay or bisexual men.

Jack Scott
Anyone can comment on what I write in this blog. Regretfully, the recent amount of spam in my email account as required that I reinstate the word verification process for comments which I personally hate.

But at the same time I have loosened the comment moderation process so that those of you who have a Google Blogger ID or other recognized blogger ID will no longer need to wait for your comment to be moderated. I'm hoping this will tempt you to take the trouble to comment.

The truth is I want respectful comments both from those who agree with me and those who do not. All I as is that you keep comments to the point, clean and non-threatenting.

I look forward to hearing from each of you.

Jack Scott