Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Wishing Each of You the Blessings of Christmas

Christmas is such a joyful time of year and at the same time a very stressful time of year. As a child, and as a young man, I always enjoyed Christmas. There were a few  years after the kids were grown and before the grandkids came along that some of the joy of Christmas seemed to be lost for me, but now with little grandkids about, its holds a special place in my heart.

From the time I was a little boy I always heard there was more joy in giving than in receiving. That saying never made sense to me until I became a grandfather, but it is indeed true. In addition to giving to the grandkids, we contribute to some of the under privileged children in our communitiy so that they will know the joy of Christmas. It is indeed good to give to others.

Though Christmas is supposed to be a joyful time, it can also be a hard on guys who are married and yet have or long to have a relationship with another guy. Feelings of guilt are sometimes especially strong at Christmas. Guys also usually find it necessary to put their relationship with their buddy on hold for the Holidays so that they can meet the needs of their family and spend the extra time with family that is such a joy at Christmas. Actually to my way of thinking, that is as it should be. When my buddy and I first met and were working out the terms under which our relationship would function, one of the things we agreed to was that family would always come first throughout the year. We have kept that agreement and that has been a good thing.

There is no doubt that most of us, if given the choice to have never had the desire for a realatioship with another man, would jump at that choice. The facts are, or course, that we do not have and will never have such a choice. I have come to believe that I am who and what I am for a purpose. A part of all that is being a bisexual male. I have come to know it as one of the blessings of my life and I am thankful for the blessing. I hope each of you are or will come to be too.

For those of you who are Christians I wish you a blessed Christmas. For those of you who are not Christians, I wish you joy and peace for the season and hope that the sense of good will among men that is celebrated at Christams is yours throughout the new year.


Saturday, December 18, 2010

Leading Two Lives

Some of my earliest memories are sexual memories. So early, that at the time I was living them, I didn't even know what sex was.  I just knew I could make my  penis feel very good and I enjoyed doing it.

By the time I was 4 years old playing with myself was a regular thing for me. Somehow I instinctively knew this kind of play should be private and should be kept out of view of my parents. Even at that  young age I managed to do that or at least thought I did.

There were other sexualized moments in my life too. By the time I was four, we lived in a four room house. Well it was almost a four room house. The back poarch had been closed in to make a bedroom big enough to put mine and my brothers bunk beds in and that is where we slept. What had been the original back door of the house led out of our makeshift bedroom into the kitchen. The kitchen was adjacent to the living room and the living room was adjacent to my parents bedroom. My parents bedroom was separated from my brothers and my bedroom by a small bathroom which had a sink, toilet and a big clawfooted bath tude. There was no shower.

Water came from a well; the bathroom and the living room were the only rooms in the house that were heated. There was a small gas stove built into the east wall of the bathroom and a Dearborne stove heated the living room. I suppose my  parents were supporting themselves and my brother and I on maybe $400 a month back then and so it was a very frugal life. Nothing was wasted including gas for the heating stoves and water from the well which had to be pulled up by an electric  pump. It was common practice for me to bath every night with my father and for my younger brother to bath with my mother.

Some of my earliest memories are of seeing  my fathers cock and balls as we bathed. I never saw it hard but it was a huge thing even soft and he had huge balls that hung low with his uncut cock resting on them. It was an amazing piece of equipment to me. I knew that my own penis could get hard and much bigger and I knew that when it got to that state, I could make it feel very good. I wondered if my father knew that he could do the same thing with his and I was in awe of how big it must be when it got hard. Often, bathing with my dad, my own penis would get hard as I soaped it off to clean it. Nothing was ever said about this and I accepted it as normal though my Dad's did not get hard when he soaped his.

In bed after the bath, I would often pull down my PJ's and fondle myself causing my penis to send waves of pleasure through my groin area.

When I was 6 years old a neighbor boy named Chris, who was a couple of years older than me, asked me if I would like to  play farm. I asked how you played that game and he said he would teach me. We went into a neighbors garage. He instructed me to get on my hands and knees and pretend I was a cow. As I assumed that position much to my surprise he unzipped my jeans and  pulled out my cock which was immediately hard. He began to stoke it saying that he was milking the cow. It felt really good to me to have someone elses hand on my cock and I wasn't going to resist. It felt even better than when I would stroke it with my own hand.

As he kept on stroking something I could never have anticipated happened though I didn't know what it was at the time. I had my first orgasm. This new orgasm was much the same good feeling that my own play with my penis had sent through my groin, but this new feeling rushed into my spine and down my legs all the way to my toes which curled in a rather sweet agony. The feeling was unbelieveable. When the orgasm subsided, Chris said it was his turn to be the cow and I should milk him in the same way. I was more than happy to do that and observed that his cock was equal in size to mine. I assmed our cock were standard equipment for boys our general age.

But Chris had more in mind for me. Over the next few weeks he introduced me to a number of boys in our small 4 room school who were into cock  play. I was astonised to learn that though Chris and I were the smaller two of the group of boys we had the biggest cocks by far. But it didn't matter much because even the smaller cocks were works of art as far as I was concerned and I was happy to have a variety of them to play with. The  play became a regular after school thing for me and the guys. Sometimes a guy named Teddy and I would even meet in the restroom at school and I would sit on his naked lap as he jacked me off.

All this activity was awesome. No one in the extended group was abused or forced to perform any act. We were all good friends and the camaroderie was really an awesome thing in itself, but Chris still was not though with my insturction into the finer parts of male/male sex. One day when a group of us were naked and  playing he  pulled me out of the group and we went to a nearby abandonded petrochemical plant. No one ever came there. The  property was fenced but he knew a way in. Alone in the huge boiler room we got naked and he  told me he was going to teach me to suck cock.. He took my cock into his mouth and licked and sucked it. I had never in my short life felt anything that even came close to that new feeling. Before I knew it, orgasm even more intense than from being jacked off racked my body and buckled my knees. It was almost more than I could stand. Quickly, Chris was out of his pants and told me to do the same for him. Much to my surprise I found it was almost as good to be on the giving end of oral sex as on the receiving end. His cock was a magnificent thing even at that young age it was massive and again I wondered what my Dad's must be if two kids could have such massive tools.

Oral sex between me and Chris became a few times a week thing and regular sexual  play was a dailly thing among the group of 7 - 8 boys. As years passed and we got a little older it was nnot uncommon for even some of the highschool boys to play with us. In that little west Texas community where there was nothing to do and where we were thrown together 7 days a week and almost 16  hours a day, sex was our main entertainment and there were dozens and dozens of places to get naked and do it. There were several old refineries that offered all manner of privacy.  Back in those days the pump jacks were run not by electricity but by rod lines. The rod lines would stretch for great distances between the several pumpjacks and the engine house which powered the rod lines. There were dozens of these engine houses scattered around and they were checked once a day. Because our fathers did the checking we knew when the coast was clear and we could get naked in the engine houses almost any time.

East of town there was a large sinkhole. It had been there for many years. Trees had grown in the bottom of the sinkhole and rose almost to the top of the sinkhow which met the floor of the grassy plain above. Beneath the trees on the floor of the sinkhole, someone had built a small cabin that was now abandoned. We had great fun running around that sink hole stark naked. In all the years, no adult ever intruded on our sinkhole paradise.

Though again I instinctfully knew all his was something not to be talked about, I felt no guilt about it. No one was forced to do anything. Each guy was free to do or not to do. No one was in charge. It was really all just clean fun. And these 6 - 8 boys were my classmates and we were in Sunday School together ever Sunday morning. Every Sunday afternoon we were playing with each others cocks as well as during frequent sleep overs at each others  houses. It was truly just a boy thing and it seemed in that small West Texas town something that all boys did.

This play continued thourh High School. It was completly normal. Even after all of us began to date girls, our male on male  play did not cease. In that day and time girls were not "easy." Our guy buddies were.

I married early just after my Freshman year of college. I assumed with a willing woman in my bed each night the days of male/male sex were gone. I was devastated when the desires did not go away even though I loved straight sex and had a wife who was quite willing and very good at it, who could in fact rock my world.

I began to live two lives. In one life I was the average hard working father caring for my family and making a living. But in my dreams at night I was back with the guys and no matter how much sex I  had with my wife, when I was back with the guys in my dreams, I would awken covered in cum from my wet dreams of erupting shooting cocks full of cum. For the first time I was racked with guilt.

For years I thought I was the only married guy inthe world with thoughts like mine. Then I got my first computer and discoverd the world of guys who are players. Soon I found that these players are from every walk of life.They are doctors, lawyers (a lot of lawyers, it must be taught in lawshool), computer techs, teachers, salesmen and guys from every profession, even preachers.

Over the years, it has become quite clear to me that  sex among married men involves a rather large number of men These men range from men like me who have regular buddies they see weekly or monthlly to men who only get with other men once or twice a year on fishing or hunting trips. In large cities there are well organized groups of men who meet to play together. The numbers of such men are staggering.and they talk about it openly within groups set up for such activites.

For the most part, we lead two lives. On the one hand we are husbands and fathers and career men who carry out the ordinary responsibilities of being husbands and fathers. For the most part wives and families come first; but time for male/male play is factored in and for the most part, our wives never know.

If they knew, some wives wouldn't care for they don't like sex and see it as a burden. They're glad their husbands are not hounding them for sex even if it has not occurred to them that he's getting it somewhere else. For others, whose bisexual husbands enjoy and need sex with their wives just as any straight guy does, sex is a normal part of thier lives and the wife has no idea that no matter how good she is in their sexual encounters she cannot fulfill the need of her partner for a male.

I have a grown daughter who is married and I am quick to admit that the thought of her husband being with another man does not fill me with joy. Yet at the same time, I don't really feel my activites with my buddy take anything away from my wife. In fact they keep sex fresh and interesting for me and she benefits from that because I truly do enjoy straight sex. I would consider it cheating to be with another woman, but as bad as it sounds, and I know it sounds very bad to women, I don't consider my actions with my buddy as cheating. My wife does not like to camp out, she does not like to ski, she does not like to go to football games, and she does not like to fish. All these things I do with my buddies. Oh and by the way, I happen to  play with my buddy's cock. It too is just a guy thing. It reallly is. My emotions, my life, my future belong to my familly. My buddy is just play. Play that i need to feel complete. Play, the desire for which I have been unable to rid myself of.

I lead two lives. and I have come to be satisfied with that as something I cannot change.

But human sexuality is complicated. I onece worked with a married guy who fucked every woman he could get into his bed and being a good looking guy he could get plenty of them. But for him sex was never satisfying. It was just a knotch in his cock. A tallly he could keep to prove his virility.

There are guys who like sex with men that are the same way. They're scared to death of becoming emotionally attached to a guy so they just play the numbers. A different guy every time and never a satisfying experience. Promiscuity is never satisfying.  Even for guys there has to be some kind of bond, some mutual intersts. A relationship can never be built of just two cocks. And for truly bisexual men, a relationship is never a threat to their marriage.Bisexual men lead an unsual lifestyle, but they love their wives and families and they value their marriages. They just have the irresisable need for an intimate male partner.

The number of guys who are self identifying as bisexual is growing. I think this is due to the computer. The computer has opened the door to relatively frank discussions about one's sexual needs in an atmosphere of relative safety. I don't think there's a guy alive who hasn't had at least a fleeting thought about what it would be like to have another guys cock in his mouth. The computer lets these guys know they are no alone. Far from it  There are a huge number of guys who have already taken the step. Fifteen years ago you never saw a guy on line looking for another married guy to have sex with who wasn't at least in his 50's. Now its common to see 20 and 30  year olds.

Leading two lives is not easy. I wished for years I could make it go away. But I have come to see it as a gift. One that has benefited me and others. Now I would not change who I am even if I could. I enjoy each of my lives.

The ethics of the situation are complex and bothersome no doubt. I think the good news is that as homosexuality becomes more open and more accepted, fewer homosexual men will feel the need to marry women for cover. This will spare many women the heartache of finding that they are married to a man who cannot meet their emotional and physical needs. Changes in societal norms and advances in science will allow even homosexual couples to raise children. I personally know homosexual couples who are doing it now. There will be no need to marry just to father children of one's own.

For those of us who are bisexual, and I think that number is enormous, the ethics are even more complicated. Four years ago I told my wife about my bisexuality and my buddy. She was astonished that I had been able to sccessfully hide that side of myself from her for all those years. I will not tell you she like hearing the news, but she understood I had not made a choice. She understood that it was something that came with me at birth. At one point she made the statement, "I'm glad you didn't tell me when we were dating because I would not have married you. And knowing what our life has been together, I'm glad I married you and I'm still glad I did. The only thing that has changed is that I know. I won't allow something that has been going on for years and causing no problems destroy our marriage simply because I know now."

I'm sure many women will not understand that reasonsing, but I know a lot of women who have come to the same thoughts. It leaves me not knowing what a bisexual man contemplating marriage should do. When I married I had no idea I wasn't straight. I thought the guys had just been a diversion until marriage. Todays young men don't have that excuse. Bisexuality is well known. The ethical question will linger for years. For most married men bisexuality is a burden. I have never met a man who said he would have chosen it. It seems unreasonsable to me to burden one's wife with a burden of our own which she cannot lift from our shoulders, which she cannot understand and which will cause her self doubt and pain. It seems far better to me to act carefully and discreetly and shoulder our own burdens while making sure that we meet our family obligations.

Jack Scott


Friday, December 3, 2010

To Love or Not to Love

We all have our strengths and our weaknesses. We all have our blessings and our gifts as well as our burdens and our crosses to bear. The trick of building a successful and happy life, I am convinced, is to identify and play to our strengths and  to identify and constantly try to overcome our weaknesses, meet our burdens head on and carry our crosses with a degree of dignity.

My father spent years drilling that concept into me though my father never would  have put it in such terms. My father was a very successful though uneducated man who had a PhD from the "school of hard knocks." He simply drilled into me that the world didn't give a damn about me or my excuses and that my job in life was to pick myself up by my own bootstraps, kick my own ass and do what had to be done both for myself and for the benefit of others.

I was not always the person, I now am. As a boy and as a young man, I was pretty shy and pretty reserved. I was the quiet guy. Friends that have only known me for the last 30 years laugh at me when I tell them that. The change from that quiet shy guy to the guy I am now is fairly dramatic and the causes  for the change were fairly complex.

A big factor in the change was that I ended up on a career path  that demanded the ability to lead under stress and under a great deal of pressure. It demanded the ability to deal with people who were not always happy to be dealing with  me. It was exactly the situation my Dad had prepared me for. I simply had to kick myself in my own ass and force myself to perform.

For years I contributed the the change from introvert to extrovert to the demands of my career. It was a matter of providing for my family. I had no choice but to make it work and I did.

I have talked often with guys  who are curious about male/male sexuality, but who are scared to death of it at the same time.  I always assure these guys that the fear is completely normal and even a good thing. Better to be scared and careful, in my opinion than blase and careless.

Often during the course of these conversations, I'm asked, "But what if I fall in love with my Buddy?"

My answer is, "I do love my Buddy." I love him dearly."

"Doesn't that cause you confusion?" I'm asked.

In reality, the true bisexual male is not likely to be confused about feelings that may develop concerning his buddy. In my opinion, one of the biggest reasons so few men have successful male/male relationships is that they try to base those relatonships solely  on sex becasue they are so scared of the "L" word. In most cases, sex alone is never enough to sustain a relationship. And there is good reason for that. The bisexual male is not just craving sexual activity with another male. What he is actually craving is an intimate friendship with another male.

There was a time, not all that long ago, in our society when intimate  relationships were the norm between men, even American men! Life was hard  on the American frontier and it remained hard when the frontier began to be settled into small family farms. Neighbor depended up neigbor for help. Frontiersmen depended on their partners for help in almost everything they did. It took cooperation to meet the demands of life on the frontier or on an isolated small farm. Men who depended upon each other for help and protection and meeting the demands of a hard life came to know each other with an intimacy that is rare between modern men. But the fact is, men are hard wired for such relationships with other men. Biology and evolution  designed men to run in packs, to hunt together and to provide for their families together. Men who tended to be loaners simply did not surivive to reproduce themselves. Modern society tends to isolate men from one another. Each man is responsible for his own job and for his own familly. Machines are our helpers now and equipment is our protector. Women are still allowed to have their girlfriends and are even expected to do so. But, at least in America, a strong open bond between men has become suspect even though it is a biological norm.

Many guys seem to have the idea that if they fall in love with a buddy their love for their wife will automatically self destruct. In reality this is no more an inevibility for a bisexual man than the love of his second born child destroying his love for his first born child. The truly inevitable thing is that he will come to love his second born child in a different way than he loves the first. A good father loves his children as individuals and his love for them evolves to meet each of their different needs.

For a truly bisexual married guy who loves his wife, there is no problem at all in loving a buddy and loving his wife. My love for my wife is totally different from the love I hold for my buddy. The needs which my Buddy fullfills for me are totally different than the needs my wife fullfills for me. My relatoinship with my wife and my family is a love steeped in deep emotion. My feelings for my buddy are much less emotional. They are simply the expressions of a primeval need for for a male/male bond. Indeed, the love of one bisexual man for another  is probably more appropriately defined as a bond than as love.

For a guy who is in reality a married homosexual, the threat of falling in love can be somewhat more problematic. That is why, in my opinion, a guy should very carefully explore his true feelings and be honest with himself about his sexualtiy. In any circumstance, with or without falling in love with a buddy, a married homosexual guy is likely to have many more problems than those of us who are bisexual. By definition, a homosexual man is wired to respond sexually, emotionally and romantically to another man. Married homosexual men relate to their wives to different degrees. But I have never talked to a married homosexual man who feels that he can fully meet the needs of his wife for an emotional connection. On the other hand, it is quite common for a bisexual man to meet his wife's need for an emotional connection with her because he needs that emotional connection with her as much as she needs it with  him. Though there are exceptions, it is rare to find a strong marriage in which the male is a homosexual man. It is quite common to find strong marriages in which the male is bisexual in the sense that he needs a discreet intimate bond with another man.

I am quite aware, and evey bisexual man should be aware, that there are those who insist  there is no such thing as bisexuality. Many homosexual men feel those men who admit to bisexuality simply have not come to the point in their lives in which they can admit to themselves that they are homosexual. And, of course, such men exist. I have known them personally. But I also know men such as myself who have strong and successful marriages in every way, who relate fully to their wives emotionally and meet her emtional needs and yet who need an intimate bond with another man. I define that as bisexuality.

Every man, regardless of his sexuality, deserves to be comfortable in his own skin. Every man deserves to be free from guilt over something for which he has no control -- his sexuality. The recognized fact by those who study human sexuality is that our sexuality falls along a long line from exclusively and emotionally homosexual to exclusively and emotionally heterosexual. Those of us who fall out along the mid portion of that line are bisexual men. Our numbers are relatively high though societal and religious norms keep many of us from acknowledging our true sexual nature.

Not long ago in talking with another guy, he mentioned that once he accepted his sexuality he became a better man in many ways. He became more outgoing. He became more involved in life in all its activities. He actually became a better husband and father because he was no longer immersed in self hate and guilt. Listening to him, I realized, for the first time, it was not just the demands of my job that led to the change in my personality. The changes evolved along with the demands of my job, but they also evolved along with my growing self  understanding and self acceptance of my bisexuality. More than likely, I was always extroverted. I was always energized by involvement with other people which is the definition of an extrovert, but the guilt and disgust that I felt for myself had kept me isolated and quiet. It had kept me feeling alone and monstrous.

True, if I could simply choose to live my life as a straight guy, I would. But I can't. I tried for too many years and failed. I'm happy with my life now. It has meaning for me. I contribute as I am.
Anyone can comment on what I write in this blog. Regretfully, the recent amount of spam in my email account as required that I reinstate the word verification process for comments which I personally hate.

But at the same time I have loosened the comment moderation process so that those of you who have a Google Blogger ID or other recognized blogger ID will no longer need to wait for your comment to be moderated. I'm hoping this will tempt you to take the trouble to comment.

The truth is I want respectful comments both from those who agree with me and those who do not. All I as is that you keep comments to the point, clean and non-threatenting.

I look forward to hearing from each of you.

Jack Scott