I am very sensitive to the point of view of married women who get the surprise of their life by finding out that their husbands are gay. Being a married bisexual man, whose wife knows, gives me some insight into what these women feel. The pain, the sense of betrayal, the simple embarrassment of having not picked up on something so significant is a terrible thing for these women.
Some women are told. They don't have to find out through some accident. But even that does not fully mitigate the pain or stop her from feeling that her world has turned upside down. It's not often discussed, but all women do not react the same way to the news. Some are willing to put up with anything to preserve the marriage and the family unit. Others go into a rage and immediately throw the offending husband out of the house and file for divorce. Sometimes the rage turns to bitterness that never heals and never ends. A few women seem to eventually understand the situation for the unfortunate reality it is, pick up their lives and move on, hurt but not broken, and willing to build a new life.
Over the last 15 - 16 years, the study of human sexuality, in particular the study of male sexuality, has occupied a great deal of my time. I have come to believe that society at large is undergoing a sea change in sexual mores that society itself has not yet recognized.
It has been more than 60 years since Alfred Kinsey founded The Institute for Sex Research at Indiana University and began his unprecedented and provocative study of human sexuality in modern times.
While numerous studies of different aspects of human sexual behavior have been conducted in the intervening years, there has been no new groundbreaking work which has rivaled the scale and the impact of Kinsey's research. This is most unfortunate, because I believe, though I cannot prove, that since the early 1990s and the commercialization of the internet the pace of change and adaptation in human sexuality has been profoundly affected. No one has yet published any groundbreaking research on a Kinsey scale to scientifically verify and measure these changes. I sometimes wonder if the United States has simply become so Politically Correct, so conservative and so cowed by the Radical Christian Right Wing that the people who would otherwise conduct such research are self-censoring themselves and thus inhibiting insight in to a sexual phenomena which is becoming increasingly clear.
The You Tube video above is proof positive of a contemporary sexual expression which was almost unheard of in the 1950s when Kinsey began his research. And its not just on You Tube that the topic is being discusses. It is the subject of discussion on CNN, on The Today Show, on the Oprah Show and many others. Country Music legend, Willie Nelson, has observed in song that "cowboys are frequently secretly fond of each other." The You Tube Video of Willie's song is restricted and cannot be embedded, but it can be viewed directly on You Tube at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hajTNlooZKE
There can be no real question any longer that bisexuality is a normal expression of human sexuality. There are simply too many of us too ignore anymore. Admittedly that bisexuality is real has a profound impact on what it means to be a sexual human being, a married person, a person of faith. Bisexuality raises questions in all these areas.
However, I believe that bisexuality is not new. It has always been a part of the human condition. Within recorded history, several societies have actually incorporated it into their behavioral norms. Bisexuality is not new, it has simply been forgotten. Probably more accurately, it has been the victim of a concerted attempt by religious zealots to wipe it from the collective minds of modern society.
But the truth is bisexuality is not going to go away. It is becoming a growing issue especially among men. I think it is becoming a growing issue among men because the truth is it is a biological norm among men. One that has survived every attempt to crush it.
The ubiquitousness of the internet and the candid private discussion of sexual issues that could not easily be discussed prior to the internet age have renewed and are renewing an awakening of men's bisexual nature.
The consequences for society are enormous. The knee jerk reaction of society and the church is to renew its resolve to stamp out the concept itself. It won't work. If it would work, most of us who are bisexual would willingly volunteer to lead the charge. We've tried to eradicate it on a personal basis and it just want be eradicated. It has to be dealt with. For the foreseeable future, each man is going to have to make a personal decision about how he deals with it.
It's best he makes that decision from an informed viewpoint, in particular when he's deciding what he should do about telling her what she doesn't know. One size does NOT fit all and telling her is opening a door that once opened can never ever be closed no matter what.
Telling her may be the right thing to do. In some cases, even she might consider it the wrong thing to have done. No one's opinion on the issue is shared by every woman. Its simply not!
Jack Scott
There can be no real question any longer that bisexuality is a normal expression of human sexuality. There are simply too many of us too ignore anymore. Admittedly that bisexuality is real has a profound impact on what it means to be a sexual human being, a married person, a person of faith. Bisexuality raises questions in all these areas.
However, I believe that bisexuality is not new. It has always been a part of the human condition. Within recorded history, several societies have actually incorporated it into their behavioral norms. Bisexuality is not new, it has simply been forgotten. Probably more accurately, it has been the victim of a concerted attempt by religious zealots to wipe it from the collective minds of modern society.
But the truth is bisexuality is not going to go away. It is becoming a growing issue especially among men. I think it is becoming a growing issue among men because the truth is it is a biological norm among men. One that has survived every attempt to crush it.
The ubiquitousness of the internet and the candid private discussion of sexual issues that could not easily be discussed prior to the internet age have renewed and are renewing an awakening of men's bisexual nature.
The consequences for society are enormous. The knee jerk reaction of society and the church is to renew its resolve to stamp out the concept itself. It won't work. If it would work, most of us who are bisexual would willingly volunteer to lead the charge. We've tried to eradicate it on a personal basis and it just want be eradicated. It has to be dealt with. For the foreseeable future, each man is going to have to make a personal decision about how he deals with it.
It's best he makes that decision from an informed viewpoint, in particular when he's deciding what he should do about telling her what she doesn't know. One size does NOT fit all and telling her is opening a door that once opened can never ever be closed no matter what.
Telling her may be the right thing to do. In some cases, even she might consider it the wrong thing to have done. No one's opinion on the issue is shared by every woman. Its simply not!
Jack Scott
Keep in mind that I'm not challenging your statements, but I am curious to know what societies have tolerated bisexuality in the past. My guess is that they are ancient primitive people who's behaviors have since become scorned and banished. Maybe they were on to something. After all, everything old becomes new again.
ReplyDeleteNot to bash women, but I venture to say that women are not exempt or a minority in the equation of this discussion. I'm friends with a lesbian couple who's circle of friends include many previously married women, as well as one of themselves. The same is true of many of the women I've met at gay bars, who claim to be bisexual.
It's also interesting that lesbianism seems to be more acceptable in American society. I'm not certain why that is, but it seems to be true. Perhaps it's because it can be less obvious than it is with gay men. Straight men seem to be aroused by it and straight women seem to accept it.
Women also have a distinct advantage over men with the nature of their personal friendships as well as their demeanor. This in itself gives them the ability to deny or hide their relationships with one another.
No one looks twice at two women showing signs of affection publicly. "Girl's Night Out"; anything goes there. Holding hands during a conversation. Hugging and kissing while meeting and leaving. Openly crying over one another's conversations. Imagine two men you know at work, displaying any of these characteristics with each other. You know the rumors would fly!
No matter what category we fit in to [bi, gay, straight], I think we all have a tendency to see things in a male/female perspective. It wasn't until I was single and living an open gay lifestyle that I was exposed to all of this. I really did make me realize how much I overlooked, and how much I never thought about women in the exact same dilemma as I was in. It's also interesting how many straight, faithful women have said to me that if they had to do it all over again, they would at least try to have a gay relationship to see where it goes.
Interesting, isn't it?
Amen, that it is not easy even when you choose to tell your wife, like I did. 2 years later the bitterness has not ended for her. I really feel sorry for, but I've had to move on.
ReplyDeleteJack - You've written two very interesting posts as one. My two cents is that your points would have been stronger if each topic had it's own post.
ReplyDeleteRe topic 1: Telling your wife - The #1 fundamental issue is a person's right to choose their own destiny. When a man withholds potentially life-changing, material information from his wife, he is robbing her of her right to have control over her future. Absolutely, one or both parties might regret that the truth has been shared, but citing that fear is far more of an excuse to stay silent than it is a reality. For example, when asked, many people would instinctively say that they'd never want to be given advance notice of the exact date of their death. But after thinking about it, the overwhelming majority would change their minds and say they would want to know. It's a grim subject but knowing the date gives the person control over the time they have left. In both cases the key concept is having a say over your own destiny.
Re topic two: the Internet & evolving sexuality - You make a interesting observation that could easily be the basis for a PhD's life work. Off the cuff, I'd say that the period we're in is a "gay revolution" akin to the civil rights revolution and women's lib revolution of the 60s and 70s. When 'gay' becomes largely irrelevant, THEN I think we'll see more of a societal focus on bisexuality. Who knows, but I wouldn't be surprised if it's another 15 or 20 years before bisexuality receives the kind of attention that homosexuality is receiving now.
The goods news is that if you start working at it today, you can be THE leading scholar on bisexuality when the time comes.