The Old Man

I have said it many times, I am fortunate to have lived the most blessed of lives. I was born to parents who were very poor in terms of money and property, but who were incredibly wealthy in terms of spirit, pride, the willingness to work and pursue dreams for a better life for themselves and their boys.

I was close to both my parents. As a young boy my Dad often worked shift work which meant that two weeks out of three he worked nights. On those nights, I would refuse to go to bed until he got home around midnight. I would vow to wait up for him but I would always crawl under the coffee table and go to sleep. When he got home he would carry me to bed, and I would never know.

As I got older my Dad took seriously his duty to prepare me to be a man. Even as a very young boy I had chores to do and the chores got increasingly harder as I grew older. Sometimes, I thought my Dad was the worst Dad there was because often it seemed my friends didn't have to work near as hard as my brothers and I did. Yet, with a job well done, my Dad always saw to it that there were rewards. Even the rewards though often had a dual purpose as when my Dad bought me and my brother a horse. We had lots of fun with that horse. It made us mobile and let us roam far and wide in the countryside.

But any of you who have ever been around horses, know that it takes a hell of a lot of work to feed and water and brush a horse. Looking back, I know for certain that the horse was a reward for hard work, but more than that, my Dad saw it as another step in our learning responsibility and the reward of a job well done.

When my Dad worked days or slept days because he had worked the night before, there was always work assigned which had to be completed by the time he got home from work or by the time he got up. Woe be it, if the job was not accomplished; and woe be it if it was not accomplished well enough to pass Dad's inspection which always came.

By the time I was ten years old, I was not only expected to do my chores around the house, in the yard or in the barn yard; but I was expected to work to provide my own spending money. By that time my family had moved solidly into the middle class due to the hard work of Dad & Mom, but you'd never know it from Dad's attitude.

"Son," he'd say, "The world is a cruel place and it doesn't give a damn about you. Anything you get from the world you're going to have to work for and be willing to work hard." At age ten working hard meant mowing lawns for the neighbors throughout the summers. By the time I was fourteen years old I was working part time after school and on weekends in a local business. I hated to have to work while my friends were out having fun, but as far as Dad was concerned it was work or don't eat.

But as always, there were rewards. Dad came home with a new boat one day. My brothers and I were on cloud nine. He took us all out to the lake and taught us how to water ski. I took to it like a duck takes to water. It became my favorite sport. There were other times when Dad took me hunting or fising. There were trips to the mountains which the whole family enjoyed.

Though I didn't always appreciate Dad's attitude about work as a young boy, looking back now, I realize I owe Dad and Mom for everything I have. All my achievements in life, I owe to my Dad's unbending requirement to work and work well. "Anything worth doing is worth doing well Son," he'd say.

Looking back on the life I've lived and the achievements I've made, I realize now that I'd never have made them if I hadn't understood the necessity and the joy of hard work and the rewards it can bring. Learning that work can be fun was a gift my Dad gave to (forced on) me.

Dad has been gone almost 30 years now. It doesn't seem possible. He was such a force of nature and such a presence in my life, I never dreamed he could die. It just didn't seem possible; now, 30 years later, it still doesn't. But I know Dad would be proud of me and my accomplishments. He probably wouldn't approve of my retiring at age 63. He was too much into work for that. But on the other hand, he'd be very proud that I accomplished enough to have the ability to afford to retire at age 63, and he would be happy to note that while I've retired I still work for the pure joy of it.

As I've mentioned before, I learn a great deal from music and poetry. Some of the best philosophy I've ever read has been in the lyrics of a song. One of my favorite groups is Celtic Thunder. Everytime I hear their song, "The Old Man," I think about my Dad. The You Tube version of the song is embedded below. Listen carefully to the lyrics.

I have mentioned many times that human males are complicated beings and male sexuality is a extremely complex. It is true. Just from observing life, my own as well as others, I have seen how vital a father is to a boy. I am convinced that much of the turmoil we see in the younger generations today is because too many boys have been raised by single mothers with no father figure in their lives.

An appropriate father figure is an absolute necessity for a boy. He can survive without it, but he cannot flourish. Absent a real father, a boy needs a grandfather, an uncle or some other older man in his life who is honestly interested enough in him to teach him to become a man.

Boys who never have a father figure in their lives, more often than not, are at some level aware that something is missing in their lives. From a psychological standpoint the lessons learned from a father figure are critical. But it's more complicated than that. The boy must not only learn the lessons his father teaches him, he must also at some point in his mid to late teens break away from his father and stand on his own two feet. This breaking of the old father/boy bond and the beginning of a new adult son/father bond is an integral part of becoming a man. Sadly, the average 30 year old is now still living in the home he grew up in, his mother is washing his underwear and his Dad is supporting him financially while the boy/man often does nothing more productive that play video games. It is doubtful that such a man child will ever become a fully and properly functioning man.

For men, the absolute need for a bond with other men does not end with the bond between father and son. The need for bonding with other men remains strong all through a man's life. Unfortunately, American society and American wives in particular do not recognize these male/male bonds as necessary or legitimate. Too many women today have the misguided opinion that their husband should be their best friend as well, and he should be content to involve her in every aspect of his life. This misguided view on the part of women is perplexing because at the same time women make this demand of their husbands, they are more often than not, quite demanding that they be allowed to spend a great deal of time with their girlfriends. For some reason girls' nights out and lunch with the girls is considered normal. It is also considered normal for a woman to tell her girlfriends the most intimate information about her married life, but a guys' night out and a desire to spend time with other men outside of work or perhaps other than on the golf course is not considered normal at all.

I am convinced that the internet and the information age it has ushered in is going to change the way men see themselves for ever. More and more, men are beginning to realize that men are naturally wired to run in packs. They are naturally wired to bond with other men, and they are even wired to form an intimate bond with a particular man who has something to contribute to their life and whose life they can contribute something in turn.

More and more often young men in their twenties and thirties are forming special bonds with older men in their fifties and sixties. I think this is the result of so many boys having been raised with no father figure or a father figure who didn't take enough interest in them, spend enough time with them or demand enough of them. The need for a bond with a man is so strong that such men are driven to form it even as adults. I believe it is something they instinctually understand they need.

I am the most blessed of men. I had a father who taught me to be a man. I have had bonded buddies and a wife who understood my need for such. If I could wish one wish for each of you, I'd wish for you to find that special buddy for yourself.

I miss the Old Man. I thank him for all he did for me. I'm thankful I got the chance to raise my own son in the same way my Old Man raised me.

Jack Scott