Monday, December 31, 2012

New Year's Reolution

I'm not big on New Year's Resolutions. I've been a member of Lifetime Fitness Gym for many years. I hate to go to the gym in January because it is full of new people who will all be gone by the end of February or before. New Year's Resolutions just don't  hold up to human procrastination.

Yet, in the last almost 20 years I've gotten to know a lot of married bisexual and homosexual men, including myself, and one of the things I've observed over and over again is that the guys who finally decide to do something about their sense of unhappiness and lack of fulfillment are the guys that come to find happiness.

There is no one way to "do something" about your life. For some of you it might mean a divorce. For others it might mean coming out to your wife and agreeing on some arrangement you both can live with. For most of you it may mean deciding that you will carve out private time for yourself and a buddy within your life and spend discreet time with him.

All of these options have worked for guys that I have come to know very well over the years. Have I known guys who have failed in their attempt at fulfillment? Yes, I have; but they are far fewer in number than those who have succeeded.

To succeed you have to make a rational choice of action, not an idealistic one. You have to be careful to continue to fulfill your responsibilities to your family even in divorce. You have to keep your head about you. No one can ever find fulfillment in unbridled hedonism. Thinking one can do so is, perhaps, the most common mistake guys make.

As I approach the winter of my life, the greatest satisfaction I have is that I lived my life well. I fulfilled my responsibilities to my family, my job, my faith and myself. Did I do it perfectly? No, I'm not a Saint. But I did it well enough that my life and the lives I care about most around me have been successful and fulfilling. What more could one ask? The winter of my life would be bleak had I failed to live my life as I did. As it is, though my hope is for many more years, I can face death with a sense of satisfaction that I lived a full and eventful life. I found myself, and I helped others to do the same. It is very satisfying to me.

My faith hopes for a life beyond this one that will bring an entirely new world to enjoy. My mind tells me this life could very well be all any of us will ever have. If my mind proves to have come to the correct interpretation, I'm glad I lived my life to the fullest. If my faith turns out to be vindicated, I  have nothing to fear. I lived the life I was meant to live. I lived for me, but I stopped to help others along the way. I carried out my responsibilities plus a little bit more. My faith tells me Heaven is not for saints alone, but also for those who muddled through mostly on the good side of life, those who stood up to and met the challenges.

I urge each of you to take time in the new year to really think about your lives. What could you do better? What needs to change?

Whether you're a bisexual man who needs to figure out what to do with the rest of your life or a woman who has come to think she might be married to a gay or bisexual man, nothing is ever accomplished by turning a blind eye and pretending it just isn't so. Little is ever accomplished in hatefulness and anger either. Find a way to face the issue critically and with a hope to find compromise.

Jack Scott

Friday, December 28, 2012

Checking In

Just taking a moment to check in and let all of you know I'm still kicking. Maybe not quite kicking as hard, but kicking.

We had a nice, but toned down Christmas. Was actually kind of nice. I'm feeling much better than I was, but I still have a few health issues that have to be resolved. I'm hoping that happens soon.

I feel bad that I have left the blog on hold for a few weeks, but then, on the other hand, ya'll seem to be carrying on quite well without me. Many of you are taking the time to read back block posts that you've not read before and that's great.

Just look on the right hand side of the home page and you'll see what the most frequently read blog posts are.

A special thanks to all of you who have taken the time to drop we a note wishing me a quick recovery and urging me not to worry too much about my blog duties. I really appreciate it.

Have a SAFE and HAPPY New Year! May it be a year in which many of your dreams come to fulfillment.

Jack Scott

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Merry Christmas And A Happy New Year to You!

It's hard to imagine that another year has come and gone! To me it seems only yesterday that the "idiot fringe" among us was worried that the world was going to come apart at the seams as the Year 2000 arrived.

Now, it seems, 5 minutes have passed and the Year 2013 is upon us. Impossible! I remember, as a kid, when a summer day was longer than a week is now. The wait for Christmas was several of today's years.

But there is no use bemoaning the ever quickening pace of time. It's not going to slow down. It really is true that time waits for no man. Instead, I have come to the realization that the best thing to do is to live life fully and enjoy every day before it quickly passes away.

I was out Christmas shopping for my wife this week. As I headed home, driving west, I looked into the western sky and was amazed at what I saw. It was one of those rare cold days that we get here in the Houston area. The temperature was made to feel even colder by a wind that had been blowing hard all day. Looking at the sky, I saw that the winds aloft were also violent. The high Cirrus clouds were being ripped and whipped into thin shreds of icy moisture. Each shred was basically shaped like a ragged Shepherd's  Hook, the hook end flowing northward in the sky and the staff whipped around 180 degrees to flow south. This configuration of Cirrus clouds is not unusual, but what made these clouds so unusual was that the several Shepherd's Hooks were transected perpendicularly by what appeared to be almost solid narrow bands of clouds which didn't seem to be wind whipped at all. I had never seen anything like it. As I drove home, I marveled at the beauty of it all as the sinking sun's rays cast red and gold beams of light up into the cloud's causing them to shimmer brilliantly. It was as if it were all a gift for me at the end of the day.

We often tell each other to be sure to, "stop and smell the roses." There is a lot of wisdom in that old saying. But roses are not the only thing we should stop to enjoy. Clouds, a summer breeze, a blue butterfly flittering among the garden flowers, children rolling down a grassy hill, a redbird drinking from a backyard fountain, a grandchild playing her violin in a concert, sitting and talking with a neighbor who is nearing the century mark of his life, are all things I have stopped to enjoy in the last few months. My spirit is the better for it.

I've been blessed to see many of the grandest and hallowed sights on earth including several of the United Nations World Heritage Sites, the most significant places on the earth - the Cliffs of Moher, in Ireland, the Torii Gate of Miyaji in Japan, the Grand Canyon, Alaska's Mount McKinley,  the ancient temples of Rome, the 13th century Golden Pavilion in Kyoto, the Arizona Memorial in Pearl Harbor, the Lake District of England, the Canadian Rockies, and Stonehenge. I've roamed through the ancient Temples of the Myans.  Fortunately, one need not travel to distant places to find the wonders of the world. The worlds beauty is all around us. All we have to do is take the time to appreciate the beauty and the peacefulness of nature that surrounds us.

Christmas is the Season of Peace and Good Will To Men. One has two choices. He can deny that there is any peace to be had on earth and certainly no good will. I can see why someone would choose that option. We live in a time when even Americans are more divided than they ever have been. Our Representatives in Washington are so polarized on political views that they can't even act together in the best interests of the country and its citizens. However, we can also choose to carry the season in our hearts all year long by stopping to appreciate the world around us and the people and creatures that inhabit it. It has been said, "life is a journey, not a destination." I can honestly say, I've enjoyed the journey. My dearest dream is that all of you will come to enjoy the journey as well. We cannot change what we encounter in life. We can choose how we react to it.

As married bisexual men, the journey is often not easy. More often than not we can not tie our lives up in neat little packages as do ordinary men. But being bisexual does not mean that just because our lives are not easy, they cannot be throughly rewarding. Many of us have built lives and relationships which prove that; and if many of us can do that, then all of us can.

Here's wishing you and yours the most joyful of Christmases and the most rewarding of New Years. May you vow to embrace life and all it has to offer. May you see each new challenge as an opportunity, and may you always stop to appreciate and enjoy the world around you.

Jack Scott

Monday, December 17, 2012

The Face of Evil

As a nation, we came face to face with evil once again last week. This time the evil was particularly cruel and terrifying. As a parent and grandparent, I cannot comprehend how a human being could look into the beautiful faces of little 6 and 7 year old children and then pump multiple bullets into their small bodies.

One little boy was quoted as telling his Father their had been an "animal" in the school! In his child's mind, only an animal could have wrecked such horror on innocent children and their teachers. I'm not sure I don't agree with him in some ways.

I'm a Texan. I don't often agree with the President, but I do agree with him that these increasing attacks on the innocent are unacceptable. I'm rational enough to know we can never stop them altogether in a free society, but we have to make them very rare. As a Texan and a gun owner, I'm supportive of the right of every rational and law abiding citizen to bear arms. I am not; however, supportive of a citizens's right to bear any type of arm he desires. I've been appalled when I take my son to the shooting range and see guys out there with high powered military grade weapons. No "citizen" needs such weapons.

But weapons are only one part of the problem; and, I think, the smaller part of the problem. The bigger issue is the human being who is using the weapon as a way to express himself.

We do not yet know what emotions, distress or pain the perpetrator of this unspeakable act was trying to express. But I particularly liked the comment by one psychologist being interviewed on television. He said, "no matter what the young man might have been thinking or feeling, no matter what name might be given to his psychological condition, there was no excuse for his actions!

I believe this psychologist is absolutely correct. Over the last couple of decades, the "Politically Correct Movement" has engulfed our nation, we have become a nation of victims. In the eyes of the PC crowd none of us bear any responsibility for ourselves. We are all victims. We can't help what we have become because we are poor through no fault of our own. We are victims because we didn't have the same chances in life as our more successful citizens had. We are victims because we got hooked into the drug world. We are victims because nobody liked us and we were bullied. We are victims because we are a part of a racial minority. The list goes on and on and one.

The truth is, unless they kill us outright, we are not victims unless we choose to be. Those 20 sweet little babies just beginning their lives were true victims of evil. Those of us who survive them are not victims unless we choose to be! The PC crowd needs to get this through their narrow minds and stop coaching people on how to be victims.

I was impressed greatly with what one father of one of the little girls had to say. He acknowledged his unbearable sorrow and his love for his daughter. Then he vowed that he and his wife were going to do their best to not let this tragedy define them and he urged others to follow the same course. With that heroic vow which will be ever so hard to keep, he declared to the world that he and his wife were not victims. Here is a man and wife who have been hurt beyond our ability to comprehend; and yet, they refuse to wear the label of victim. They understand that incarnate evil could and did take their daughter from them; but they also understand how they carry on after this despicable act is their choice. It is a lesson for us all.

As Americans, as human beings, we need to learn that every time we label people, hold them up as unacceptable, bully them or simply ignore them we are sewing the seeds of anger, separations, pain and disillusionment. In today's world, those seeds can altogether too easily sprout, bloom and come back to bite us horribly.

Last week, I attended a party hosted my by gay friends. The party was significant because my gay friends who are partners were the only gay people there. Everyone else was married and straight. Nobody cared that their hosts were a gay couple. They are accepted in the neighborhood, not just tolerated but loved and accepted. The world should be that way. If it were, we would see less of what we saw last week.

If each young man filled with rage, anger and a need for retaliation would realize that everyone has bad things in their lives, but the measure of life is not what happens to you.  Instead it is how you react to it. With that realization, there would be fewer events like that of last week.

It's almost impossible for me to feel sorry for shooters. As the little boy mentioned above, I tend to see them as animals. I guess it is part of my coping system. But if I could feel sorry for them, I'd feel sorry that they more than likely did what they did to call attention upon themselves and their burdens and they never knew that they failed. Society just considers them criminals at best, animals at worst.

Life is simply too short for feeling sorry for oneself. It is imperative that each of us reacts realistically to who and what we are in this life. We chance what we can and we grow into and become at peace with what we are. To put that into the context of this blog, married bisexual and homosexual men are faced with the same choices. We can rail against our sexuality. We can even let it destroy our lives, or we can embrace it and live life joyfully and effectively. I chose the latter.

Jack Scott

Thursday, December 13, 2012

My Apologies for My Absence

Over the last new weeks, I have been relatively absent from my blog. It has not been by choice. I have been experiencing some health issues which limit they time I am able to spend at the computer.

I hope to be back to normal soon, but so far my issues seem to be confounding my Doctors as well as myself. Luckily, there are more than a hundred past posts. It hope many of you will take the opportunity to read them and comment.  Comment periods are never closed for older posts. I always enjoy hearing what my readers are thinking, good or bad.

I look forward to getting back to a normal schedule soon. Thanks for your understanding.

Jack Scott

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

I Sometimes Wonder

I sometimes wonder in this great age of instant and open communication in which everyone has the opportunity at hand to personally communicate instantly with all of the first world and most of the third world if people even understand how great the opportunity before them actually is. If the do, they don't often show it and they rarely take advantage of it.

We live in the information age. More information is at our finger tips every day than people learned in their entire lives just a few decades ago. Some of us don't take advantage of this at all, and way to many of us squander the opportunity by using FaceBook and Twitter and others of that ilk to inform others, who don't really give a damn, of what we had for breakfast this morning, our plans for the day, or what we've recently shopped for. I don't think most of these people have ever had a deep or significant thought.

I sometimes wonder why I take the time and energy to blog about anything of consequence or anything in the least bit challenging. Most people simply don't want to clutter their banal minds with consequential things. They much prefer to center their minds as well as their lives amidst the inconsequential.

As a blogger, I purposely try to challenge my readers. Hell, I even purposely try to make them angry just to get them to think about the consequential things in their lives. Most of the time I fail. Admittedly, I'm not the sharpest tack in the drawer. The failure could be totally due to my own short comings. And if it were not for the minority of readers who do comment on my writings to disagree with me or share with me how I have inspired them to take a new look at their lives and the real life situations they are struggling with, I'd definitely think it was all my fault.

In the recent blog, "People Are Funny" I thought I said some pretty critical things about people in general. I was sure I'd piss some people off; and if fact, I am positive I did. But I'd never know if from the less than deafening responses in the comment section. There was only one lone comment from another blogger whom I greatly respect. And guess what, I don't respect him because he agrees with me all the time or because I agree with him all the time. He has offered some fairly tough criticism of my work. He's also offered some welcome affirmation of my work. That says to me he's an honest man who calls em as he sees em! I like that. He challenges my thinking. Sometimes he even changes my thinking. I like that too. I like that a lot because in the end, I blog to challenge others and to be challenged by them. It's hard to do that  when readers offer little feedback. is not a perfect blog host. There is much that could be improved, but for a free application, it is a wonderful host. It tells we bloggers how many people are looking at our blogs each hour, each day, each week and each month. It keeps tracks of every comment. What the stats Blogger keeps tell me is that my blog is read by an average of 1000 people a day, 30,000 people each month. It even tells me that the blog post "Frot and Frottage" is the most read blog I have ever written. Posted well over a year ago, it is still viewed by almost 7,000 viewers every month. But of the tens of thousands who have read that piece over the last year and a half, only 21 have chosen to comment. That's one in every 6000 people who have read a blog piece designed to challenge and confront, even piss off the average person.

We live in the most connected age the world has ever known. People care enough to search out information and opinion like "Frot And Frottage,"  but they either don't care enough to take the opportunity to discuss it or they are too afraid and unsure of themselves to discuss it, even anonymously. In a Democracy such as ours where free speech is a RIGHT of all citizens, this is scary.
Our founding Fathers spoke up and spoke out KNOWING it would cost them their fortunes and even their lives. Yet, we've become a nation that is loath to discuss ideas in any forum.

Far worse we form our own opinions and cling to them though they have never been exposed to critique from others. Thus do dim witted and uneducated house wives and ball-less husbands make the decision that they are smarter than their pediatricians and refuse to let their children be vaccinated against potentially disfiguring and deadly diseases along with way too many similar crazy decisions.

I challenge each of you to engage in the melee  of life that surrounds you. Speak up, speak out. Don't let me or anyone else speak for you. You speak for yourself. Challenge your brain. Boldly and openly mindedly consider and discuss those things you disagree with most. Expose your own opinions to criticism.

To those of you who do comment, who think and who do expose your closely held opinions to criticism, right on. Thank you and keep up the good work.

Jack Scott

Monday, December 3, 2012

Questions Readers Ask

Please see the top section of the blog home page for the link to Page - Questions Readers Ask. This is a new feature that will help anonymous readers find the answer to questions they ask of me.

As they are anonymous, I cannot reply to them directly. This work- around will help me to get back to them; however, I would much rather every commenter acquire a free Google ID to use in blogging. This would preserve anonymity while still allowing direct replies to each commenter or questioner.

I've been doing this blog for a long time now, so I hope no one thinks I'm will attack them or purposely try to find out who they are and show up on their door step. Not my style.

Jack Scott

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

People Are Funny

I guess one reason I write this blog is because people are so interesting to me. That's probably one of the reasons my wife's and my marriage has been so successful, she also has a real interest in observing and helping people.

I considered following her lead and becoming a Psychotherapist myself; but the truth is I don't have the patience for it. I don't have the patience to put in the long years of education and internship to get a license, and I don't have the patience to slowly lead people into recognizing for themselves why their lives are a mess. I'd rather just tell them why their lives are a mess and kick them in the ass to get them started in a new direction that will put their lives in order.

A Psychotherapist can't do that. He/she has to gently guide patients to identify and choose the right path for themselves. As a blogger, I don't have such limitations. I can and do get pretty blunt in telling people who are unhappy with their lives what they can do to put things right.

I've known my friend Bill Woods for 6 - 7 years. When we met, Bill was a very unhappy man; and unfortunately, he was resigned to being unhappy. He actually planned to spend the rest of his life as an unhappily married homosexual man.

Last August, my wife and I attended his marriage ceremony to his partner John. It was a wonderful ceremony. John is a great guy. He and Bill complement each other's personalities well. John is one of those guys who no one would ever identify as gay. He lives in a small European village where everyone knows he's gay because he chooses for them to know, and the force of his personality makes it a non-issue. Everyone sees him as a friend and neighbor.

Bill is more reserved, but just being with John brings out his wonderful personality and allows him to contribute his own valuable attributes and personality to interactions with John's friends. John's friends are a friendly, rowdy bunch; and they get a lot of fun out of teasing the American. Bill enjoys the hazing.

However, he is quick to say that even now, in the midst of the happiness he never expected, he is still trying to dig my Texas boot out of his ass. I planted it there over and over again throughout the time I've known him. I never tried to take the easy route with Bill. He needed to be pushed and he responded well to being pushed. Now,  he's enjoying the rewards that come from being willing to respond to the push and work for a new life.

Bill is one of the lucky ones. Unfortunately, the majority of people I meet will admit they are not happy. They say they want to start a new life. But the reality is they are not willing to do the work, and they are not willing to make the necessary changes from what has become the norm for them. The reality is, they, like most Americans these days, are risk averse. It is a National epidemic! It is so deeply intrenched in our National psyche that one of the recent presidential candidates actually said in his campaign speeches that people had to vote for him because if they didn't, who was going to take care of them? I was utterly appalled at that line; and I know that my father was spinning in his grave, for he spent a good 18 years of his life pounding into me the understanding that no one was going to take care of me. I had to take care of myself. My father was a Texan who wore boots too. Figuratively speaking, that boot was inserted up my ass many times. His belt across my butt was not figurative at all. It was sometimes a reality.

I didn't much care for my Dad as a kid. Now, I know it is because of him that I am who I am. Most of what I have accomplished in life, I owe to him and my Mom. They made me the realist I am. It is not often easy being a realist in an idealistic world. And part of being an enlightened realist is understanding that the world needs idealists. It is the idealists who dream of how things could be better. But it is always the realists who filter through those idealistic dreams and decide which ones can and should become reality. Trouble comes when we have a deficit of realists and a glut of idealists. Anyone can dream dreams. It takes some real talents to change dreams into reality. In today's America, we definitely have a glut of idealists and idealism and a huge shortage of realists and real solutions to our many problems. The PC (politically correct) Americans hold the reigns of power currently and the country and the world is the worse for that.

I'm a big fan of Country Music. I like it because Country Music is all about the philosophy of life and human relationships. The men and women who write Country Music are adept at shining light on the realities of life. The following song is currently playing on Country stations. It really illustrates a facet of what I'm talking about.

Drinking beer can be lots of fun; but as a lifestyle or a career choice, it's not likely to benefit ones self or anyone else. Yet, people make equivical choices all the time. They take the easy way out. They avoid the more difficult options even though the more difficult options are much more apt to bring greater rewards. People are so funny in that way.

And its the same for bisexual guys and gay guys who are unhappy in their marriages. Even though they are unhappy, the easiest route for them is to stick with the devil they know rather than risk the devil they don't know. People are just funny that way. My best friend is one of the worst I've ever seen. We've been friends half our lives; but where I'm always ready to embrace change for a possible pay-off, he'll do anything possible to avoid change, no matter how great the odds are for a pay-off.

I think a lot of married guys fail to realize that if they are unhappy in their marriage the reality is that their wives are unhappy too. In reality he would more than likely be doing her a favor to allow her the chance to start over again. More than likely she is sticking it out because she is risk averse too.

I look back on my life and wonder that I ever grew up. Risk was a part of my daily life. The country side around me was dotted with pump jacks and rod lines as well as the generator stations which made them all work. Riding pump jacks, walking rod lines and sneaking into the generator stations was an almost daily thing for us. If we couldn't get into anything close to home we'd jump on our horses and ride down to the river or some other inviting nuisance (dangerous but appealing thing) that is always so magmetic to young boys.

We didn't wear seat belts in the car. We didn't wear bike helmets. We didn't wear knee pads or any other protective gear. Did we get hurt? Of course! I almost cut off my left hand in one escapade. My brother did manage to scalp himself in another. Broken arms and legs and noses were common place, but that was expected from active boys. Most of us survived.

I feel sorry for my grandson. He's not allowed off his street at an age when I was roaming for miles and miles when I was a kid. Yes there is great risk, but there is also often great reward for a boy in taking risks. True, sometimes the risk wins out and he faces the consequences. But I'm afraid we are teaching many of our young kids that risk is to be avoided at all costs. These risk averse kids grow up to risk averse adults. It is changing what it means to be an American. American exists because our forefathers risked everything they had including their lives and their fortunes for the betterment of the country.

Many of the things which have made my life so successful came to me at great risk. Without the risk, I would not be who I am or where I am today. Even now, years later, looking back some of the risks I took scares the shit out of me. Truth be told they scare me now more than they did at the time because I'm older and wiser and better appreciate the potential loss in the risk.

However, as an older man in the final chapter of life, I also know that we only have this one life and to live it unhappily when happiness could be won is tragic. Happiness is such a grand thing. Happiness is something every person should know in his or her life, but happiness will never come without risk. In fact few good things come without risk.

Increasingly, we live in a country divided into two classes, the haves and the have nots. The have nots increasingly resent those who have. They often feel life is cheating them out of the good things of life which should be theirs. They fail to recognize that the people who "have it all or a great part of it" faced great risk to gain what they have. They fail to realize that success can never be granted. It always has to be achieved and the achieving comes with risk.

So it is for those  of us who are gay or bisexual and married. There is no easy road for us. There is only a risky road. I would never flat out tell a guy that he had to out himself to his family and start over. That has to be a very personal decision. What I do tell guys all the time is that happiness will never come without risk. Each guy has to carefully calculate the risk for himself and know when to take on the risk. And risk does not usually demand only one course of action. I know guys who came to realize they needed out of their marriages. I know more guys like myself who felt they just needed some time for themselves within their successful marriages. I know of several other paths involving risk that have worked for other guys. I know of no one who has found fulfillment in their lives without risk.

But people are funny. Sometimes they miscalculate the risk on purpose as an excuse to stand still. I talk to guys all the time who are not particularly religious. They smoke, get drunk, lie, cheat on their taxes, break the speed limit when they drive and get into other vices which are are sins in the eyes of the church. Yet when it comes to acting on their bisexuality, they suddenly are staunchly religious. That makes no sense from a practical standpoint and it is  a perversion of Protestant Christian religious dogma which holds that all sin is equal, not some great and some small.

The funny thing is that society is funny too. A great American recently admitted to an affair. He put himself out before the people for judgement. The funny thing is, most of the people judging him have more than likely had their own unadmitted affairs. In many parts of the world mistresses and affairs are a part of life, always have been, always will be.

In America, realists like myself know the same is true here. The idealist know it too, they just don't admit it. It's such a funny thing.

The only thing I'm saying here is that life is too short for chronic misery. Figure out what will make you happy and go for it. You'll face some risk. You may even face a bit of added misery, but in the end you at least have a chance at grabbing the brass ring. Many who have tried have succeeded. Not a single one who hasn't tried has ever succeeded in grabbing that brass ring.

Jack Scott

Thursday, November 22, 2012

A Thankful Thanksgiving

Whether we are Christian, a member of the many other religious sects that are now represented in America or have no religious faith at all; Thanksgiving is a holiday that should be celebrated and venerated by all.

We live in a country facing many difficulties and hardships within a world that is dealing with chaos, war, economic breakdown, hunger and even human slavery. But this one day of the year is set aside to be thankful for the good things that are also a part of our lives.

We are fortunate here in America because no matter what our status may be, the good things always outnumber the bad things in an American's life. If one does not believe that, then he has not dispassionately counted his blessings.

On this Thanksgiving day, I urge each and everyone to concentrate on his blessings. As a Christian, I'll be giving thanks to God from whom I believe all blessing flow. But even non religious Americans should be thankful they live in a country which, in spite of its faults, provides unmeasured blessings to all its citizens.

As gay and bisexual married men, we have challenges in our lives that others do not have. We should all keep in mind that others have challenges we don't have, so it evens out in the end. If nothing else we should be thankful that we do not live in one of the countries where being gay would mean a death sentence.

Take a moment on this day to count your blessings. Name them or write them down one by one. You may be surprised how many there are.

The Holiday Season which begins today is the season of thankfulness, peace and renewal. Amidst all the commercialism that is now apart of the Holiday Season, don't forget to be thankful. Let peace in the world begin with you. Take advantage of the coming New Year to renew your hope and affirm you willingness to start anew in tackling the issues in your life that you would like to change.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Jack Scott

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

A Word of Appreciation

I really appreciate all of you who are helping to make this blog a success. When I decided a couple of years ago to write this blog I saw it largely as a technique to help myself to more clearly put my own thoughts in order.

I'm one of those people who think better with a pen in my hand or a keyboard at hand. I guess that is where the flow of consciousness style of my writing comes from. I know the style annoys some of you. I expected that in a "soundbite world" like the one we all live in where everything is supposed to be short and concise and cold. Frankly, what I didn't expect was that so many of  you would find my style of writing so inviting. I really appreciate those of you who have taken the time to reassure me, and I understand those of you who have told me to cut out the wordiness. I tried but it just doesn't work for me.

But which ever side you fall on, so  many of you have pushed this blog to heights I never dreamed could happen. For the last several months the blog has been attracting over 1000 readers a day. I love that. The only thing that could make it better still is if more of you would take the time to make your own thoughts known to me concerning what you think about the opinions, ideas and ideals I write about. You wouldn't believe how interested I am in your feedback good or bad. In fact blogging itself is really a plea for feedback and connection of thoughts.

In addition to writing more, I'd hope that more and more of you would choose to write to me on the record using your on line ID rather than writing anonymously. So often someone will write a great comment that I would like to explore more deeply, but can't since it was written anonymously. Step out a little and write using your ID. If not your real one create one on Yahoo, Gmail or Google.

The early Fall has been busy for me. I often wonder how I ever had time to work. Since my retirement, I seem to have less and less time. I hate to admit it, but one of the things I have sacrificed because of time is regular contributions to this blog. It's not that I'm loosing interest by any means. I have a lot of ideas rolling around in my head about things to write. Part of the problem is that I've now written about all the easy topics. The things rolling around in my head are a little more difficult. But I'll get to them sooner or later.

In the mean time there are numerous back posts for those of you who are new to the blog to read about. Unlike many other blogs, I never close the comment period for my posts. You are free to and encouraged to comment on past posts. The post "Frot and Frottage" is still the most read post I've ever written. It consistently is read by 200 - 300 people every day.

A lot of the things I write about now are from ideas that are brought to my attention by my friends. I extend an invitation to all of you to tell me about ideas you have that you might like me to address in this blog. If they are within the scope of the blog, I'd be happy to consider them. In fact if you would like to write something on your own, I'd be happy to sponsor you as a guest blogger on this blog.

One of the things I did not expect when I started this blog was hearing from wives of men struggling with their bisexuality or homosexuality. Those of you who have taken the time to write to me about your own experiences have helped to educate me and enlighten me concerning the wife's side of a mixed orientation marriage. The wife's side is every bit the struggle of the man's side if not more. I lived the man's side. Until some of you started writing to be about the wife's side I was pretty much ignorant of that side of the struggle though I knew it had to exist. Much to my surprise, I've found that even wives who wish to save their marriages struggle greatly. It is not just as simple as deciding to make that decision. But some of you have worked it out and I know some of you are still trying to work it out in spite of the emotional toll it takes on you. I'd like to hear more of your personal experience as a wife.

The Holiday Season is upon us. I wish you all peace, happiness and fulfillment, not just for the Holidays but for every day. Life is so short. Make every day of your life count! I sincerely believe that all our struggles are opportunities.

Let me hear from you please.

Jack Scott

Saturday, November 3, 2012

The Other Side of Our Lives

I received a letter this week. Of course I receive a lot of letters, but this one was a particularly poignant  one. It was one I wish I'd never received, but one I needed to receive because it reminded me (though I never really forget) that there is another side to the lives we married bisexual men lead.

The other side of our lives is the life the woman we love leads as our wife.

One of the biggest things we as married bisexual men have to adjust to is what our bisexuality is doing to our wives. Whether they know or don't know, our bisexuality affects them greatly. This is a great weight on the shoulders and the conscience of every bisexual man and it should be.

In most situations, our wives are innocent and unknowing participants in a relationship with us and the other men we think about or spend time with. We can put the best light possible on that reality in our own minds, but we can never shed the responsibility for the unintended consequences that accrue to our wives. Most of us actually come to some internal accommodation with this situation and that is good. But we should never get to the point that we forget that we have an innocent and unknowing passenger along for the ride with us when we act on our bisexual needs and desires. We have an absolute moral obligation to do everything in our power to act in a safe and constrained manner and to balance our own needs and desires with those of our wives.

We will draw that line in different places as individuals, but the line must be carefully drawn so that it protects us and those we love.

The letter I received this week from a wife of a "bisexual" man was difficult to read. There is no doubt it was even more difficult for her to write, and I thank her for having the courage to do it.

She began by saying: "My husband has been leaving hints for years."

She goes on to talk about the fact that because she didn't want to face the facts she deluded herself for years. But all pretense ended recently when she discovered she had contracted an STD from her husband.

The shock of learning about her STD made her feel ruined. She had only wanted to be a good wife, the beautiful ONE in his life. To satisfy his desires she had gone beyond her own comfort and performed the "kinky" sex acts he enjoyed. She put up with his "taking" and never "giving" in sex because it excited him; and because it excited him, it made her feel special.

She sees herself as open and honest, passionate and loving; but she has come to see him now as secretive and selfish. However, she still thinks he loves her and their daughter. At the same time she feels he must hate her. He won't explain. He blames her for repressing him and tells her she is selfish. She feels like nothing more than an object. In spite of all of this, she describes herself as still in love with him. It hurts her that HE is suffering. She wants to understand, but he won't talk except to criticize her. She feels desperate and alone.

I have offered to talk with this woman and answer as many questions as I can for her. At this time I have not heard back from her. Obviously, both she and her husband also need professional help. Absent such help they have no chance at all of a future together or even separately.

I have only heard her side of the story, but the passion and the hurt in her letter convinces me she is telling the truth as she knows it to be. One of the things I say to people all the time is that marriages are never an equal arrangement. One partner always gives more and one partner always takes more. Actually that is not a bad thing in and of itself. It can be the prescription for a very happy and solid marriage because the fact is some people are happy to give and some are happy to take. But as in all things in life, this "give and take" must be in moderation. Even the taker must give some of the time.

In this woman's marriage, it seems her husband has long sense stopped giving. It is also clear that he knows he's stopped giving. He understands he takes and takes and demands more while blaming her for not giving. It is a classic male reaction to his own guilt; and though he keeps it hidden from her, he is consumed by his own guilt.

Obviously, this is not a situation any married bisexual man wants to create for  himself and his wife and child. This man will never be nominated for father and husband of the year; but at the same time, I doubt that he ever intended to get into this situation himself. It just simply crept upon him as he made one bad decision after the other until finally he was in such a deep hole, he could not get out.

I say all the time to guys I am trying to help that our lives are simply the sum of our choices and decisions. When we make good choices and sound decisions are lives are enhanced and broadened. When we make poor choices and bad decisions, our lives are eroded and narrowed. To the extent that we are happy and fulfilled in our lives is simply a high ratio of good choices to bad choices. To the extent that we are unhappy, unfulfilled and miserable is nothing more than a high ratio of bad choices to good choices.

Both this bisexual married man and his wife have made a number of poor decisions and choices over the years. I have said many times in this blog that my wife and I married when we were teen agers. I was 18. That meant that we started adult life with 2 strikes against us. There was really no reason for us to expect to succeed, but we did succeed even beyond our wildest dreams.

Add to the strikes against us my bisexuality of which she was not aware and our chances of a successful marriage and successful shared lives were zero! Yet, almost 50 years later, we are still married, happy beyond measure, blessed unendingly and hopeful for yet more years together.

All this did not just happen. We worked so hard in the early years. Looking back I don't see how we had the energy to work so hard. Between us we achieved four degrees after we were married and while we were raising kids. Working, raising kids and going to college is not a recipe for lack of stress. It was damn hard, but we simply did it. These were but 3 of the choices we made. Along the road there were thousands of other choices and decisions. Did we make wrong decision? You bet we did. But in the end, the ratio of good decisions to bad decisions exhibited an extremely high number of good decisions to a very low number of bad decisions.

As a professional psychotherapist and counselor, my wife cannot talk to me or anyone else about her clients. But after a day of listening to other people's problems, some of them heart rending and emotionally draining, she sometimes needs to talk in general terms about her stress which comes from hearing all about these miseries. People do not seek out psychotherapists to tell them about how good their lives are.

Recently, my wife found herself sad and concerned about a married couple who are very unhappy. They love each other. They don't fight about money. They don't fight about the kids. They don't even fight about sex. They just fight. They are always battling each other.

Surrounded and blessed by all the good things in life that many would kill for they just fight. They didn't start out this way. They are simply another example of people who just drifted into a deep hole and now can't get out. It's sad, very sad; and to my wife who sees so many couples in real trouble it was  upsetting to see this couple throwing their relationship away over petty little things. They have simply made a very bad choice.

Like my wife and I, any couple in which one partner is bisexual and one straight starts off with at least one strike against them. There are thousands of chances to screw up and make the wrong decision. One of the wrong decisions the husband of my letter writer made was to have promiscuous sex with other men. By doing so he increased his chances of contracting an STD many fold.

The sad thing about it is he more than likely made that decision for what he thought was a good reason. Most men think of love as love. By that I mean they think love is a severely limited commodity. If they love their wife, they can love no other, and they do love their wife. So, strapped with a desire they cannot shake for sexual play with another man, they opt to have sex with strangers they know nothing about. In their mind, if the sex is just anonymous and without strings, there is no chance of them falling in love with a guy and falling out of love with their wife.

It's a bad choice. In all of the thousands of men I have talked to over the last 20 years, I have never ever talked to a single bisexual man who left his wife and family for another man. Not one.

On the other hand, I've talked at length (years) with many married gay men who ultimately leave their wives for another man. In most of these cases, both the man and his wife end up happier after the divorce.

One of the complexities of life is that we can make poor decisions by refusing to make a decision at all. This is exactly one of the poor decisions that the husband of my letter writer has made. He has purposely chosen not to make a decision as to whether he is bisexual or homosexual because he is scared to find he is homosexual. By failing to know himself and recognize himself, he is ruining his life, his wife's life and more than likely his child's life.

One has to remember that very rarely is a man absolutely straight or absolutely gay. He is somewhere along a continuum between these two extremes. The middle of these two extremes is bisexuality, but not many men are there either. Most are to the left of the middle along the long continuum or to the right of it along the continuum. It is probably clearer to me than to this man that he is left of the middle very close to the homosexual extreme. He is straight enough to have sex with a woman, but not straight enough to be fulfilled by a woman or enjoy having sex with her. She is just an object, a substitute, for the male/male sex he is compelled towards. His wife feels like an object because that is exactly what she is to him.

That does not mean he doesn't love her. It simply means that he cannot love her, is not capable of loving her, as she needs to be loved.

I was able to finally tell my wife about my bisexuality because I knew beyond a doubt that our marriage, our relationship, our love for each other was strong enough to withstand it. I was also absolutely sure after many years of self analysis and study that I was a bisexual man - not a gay man.
I was right and the marriage did survive and remain strong. But that wasn't all it took. It took me opening up and talking with my wife for hours and hours about things I didn't particularly want to talk about. But I had to keep in mind that she was dealing with something new and shocking. She was now dealing with something difficult to understand that I had been dealing with for years and did deal with for years before I understood it.

I had no right at all to think that I just could tell her, "Oh, by the way, I'm bisexual." and expect to leave it there. It would take her a long time to understand and I had to be willing to talk to her about the core of my being and help her to understand. Keep in mind that she is highly educated and a professional psychotherapist. She knows that homosexuality and bisexuality are part of the natural order of human sexuality. In addition to baring my soul to her I had to support her in going to a therapist herself to get help from another angle in dealing with what I had laid on her. It took a while, but in the end it all worked out for the good.

Unfortunately, my letter writer's husband has clammed up. He refuses to talk to her except to blame her. There is no hope for him or her in this relationship except a miracle. Miracles happen. I'm living proof, but they are rare.

If you are a married homosexual or bisexual man, you cannot change your sexuality. But you can make good decisions about how to live your life. Most of the time, those good decisions will be hard ones. One big clue to a bad decision is if it seems easy, its probably a bad decision. If you are a homosexual man, most likely the best decision for you is to admit it to yourself and your wife and get a divorce. The likelihood or either you or she ever being happy in your marriage is nil. If you are a bisexual man, you have more choices but none of them are easy. If you are going to have sex with both your wife and men, then you are absolutely obligated to do it as safely as possible and not bring an STD home to her. You are also obligated to keep her as the main object of your love and desire. If you find she is loosing that status to another man, you've more than likely incorrectly identified yourself as a bisexual man. You're gay!

Of course there are other factors that can enter into all of this, but to discuss all of them would take a book. I hope you'll give real thought to your situation and live up to your responsibilities as a married man. If you can't, you need to get out of the marriage. If you need to talk about your particular situation, I'd be glad to talk with you.

My thanks to my letter writer. This is not a pleasant subject to talk about. Human misery is never an easy subject. But it is a subject that is appropriate to talk about. It has to be talked about.

To my letter writer and to those of you who identify with her, the good news is, it is never to late to change your life. It just takes good hard decisions. The easy bad decisions? You've already made those. Honestly look around your life and see where they have gotten you. Are you ready to begin making the hard decisions?

Jack Scott

Friday, October 26, 2012

Comment Moderation

It is with a great deal of regret that I am re-enabling "comment moderation" on the blog. The amount of spam that is being inserted into the comment section of posts to the blog is just getting completely out of hand.

The spam protector set up by Blogspot catches a lot of it but too much gets through.

Please do not let the "comment moderation" stop you from leaving a comment.  You do not have to recognize and type so distorted word or words. Just write your comment and click to post it. As soon as I determine it to be a valid comment and not spam, it will be posted.

Sorry for the inconvenience. I really enjoy your comments and look forward to reading them, so please keep them coming.

Jack Scott

Why Men Need To Cheat

Early this year, Vicki Larson, a journalist, mother and thinker posted a blog piece on the Huffington Post  entitled Why Men Need To Cheat.

The article is compelling to a person like myself who considers himself to be a realist and a pragmatist. That said, as is generally the case, while Ms. Larson presents a convincing case, she does not suggest that all men are compelled to cheat, just most of them. She also correctly reports that in the present era many women cheat too.

As a young child, I was shocked and confused when I first learned that adults cheated and lied about what they were doing. As I have mentioned many times in this blog, I was raised in a fundamentalist church which looked upon the Bible as the literal word of God. Even as a young child, I had my problems with that. It was obvious to me that parts of the Bible seemed to contradict other parts, but since this didn't seem to bother the adults I didn't say anything about it at first. I just became suspicious and began to pay close attention and to make a mental list of things the church taught that didn't add up.

Little did I know when I first began to be suspicious that it wouldn't take long to confirm that adults, even Christian adults, didn't always live up to what they portended to believe.

In this particular church members who were caught doing something significantly out of line with church teachings and wanted to remain within the church body were often compelled to go before the church and confess their sin publicly. The first time I witnessed a public confession turned out to be a two part presentation that was very revealing to me.

Mr. Brown (his real name but a very common one) was a prominent member of the church. He was married to a beautiful woman and all seemed to be as it should be. However, Mrs. Brown found that her husband was cheating on her with another woman. She brought the matter to the pastor. The pastor called Mr. Brown in and he confessed to the allegation. Mr. Brown was brought before church and confessed his sin and asked for forgiveness from God and the church in a ceremony presided over by the pastor. I remember it as a very emotional, probably embarrassing, tearful few minutes for Mr. Brown.

Ordinarily, this would have been the end of the matter, but life often takes unexpected twists and turns. This was to be such a time.

My family and I lived next door to the church parsonage. My Dad was a deacon in the church. A little while after the Brown confession, I began to pick up on whispered conversations between my Mom and Dad. Soon the conversations spread to include my Dad and other adults. At church it was obvious something was up. It didn't take long to burst wide open.

The church secretary was the young adult daughter of a prominent church couple. Without notice, she resigned her position and left town. This was quickly followed by the pastor of the church, in a tearful and emotional confession of his own, telling the church he had sinned against God, against his wife and against the young secretary by having an affair with her. He asked for forgiveness. He did not say, and probably didn't need to say because everyone already knew the affair had resulted in a pregnancy for the young secretary. The pastor announced he was leaving his ministry and resigning from his pastorship.

I wondered what must have been going through the pastor's mind a few weeks before when he had presided over the confession of Mr. Brown. I wondered what Mr. Brown was thinking as he listened to the pastor confess his own sins. I think it was a turning point in my life because even at my young age it was blatant proof that there were religious ideals and their was reality. I think these incidents were two of several incidents in my early life that planted the seeds for what would become my realist and pragmatic leanings in life. I'm thankful for that. Now, with at the stage of my life where there are many more years behind me than ahead of me, I've come to realize that realists and pragmatists handle life so much better than idealists. It's not that idealists don't play an important role in society, they do. But idealists must often be profoundly disappointed in the realities of life. Realists are seldom shocked. Idealists often provide lofty goals for society, but it is always the realists who bring the goals to fruition it seems.

My personal sexual experience does not support some of Ms. Larson's assertions. My wife and I married when I was 18. We have been married almost 50 years now and contrary to Ms. Larson's suggestion that marital sex always becomes stale, my wife and I never found that to be the case. I'm not saying we never got in a rut, we certainly did from time to time. But we were always able to recognize the rut and renew the fun and the excitement of genuine desire in our sexual play.

But for the most part, I agree with Ms. Larson. Just because men have sex with someone else does not necessarily mean his marriage is unimportant to him, that the marriage is failing or that he doesn't love his wife. As a married man in an exceptional marriage, I have to admit that I have had affairs with both other men and other women.

Among other things, the heterosexual affair was the product of getting married at age 18 with very little experience with other women besides my wife. I wondered what I might be missing. What I found was that I was missing nothing at all. Sex with my wife was much better and much more satisfying.

The more numerous affairs with men were fulfillment of needs my wife, as good as she was in sex, simply could not fulfill as a woman. Being able to fulfill them with other men actually made my sexual life with her better because all of my needs were being met.

I have to confess that I never felt my play with other men was cheating. I never thought of it that way and never gave in to others who wished to saddle me with that description. I wasn't cheating. I was simply meeting the needs that came with the way I was born. I love my wife and she fills an irreplaceable role in my life. While I accept the description of cheating to describe my play with another woman, I do not regret that it happened. It showed me that the best sex was at home. After a brief exploration, I was never tempted to be with another woman. Everything I needed from a woman was at home.

That is the problem with those who are always on the lookout for sin in others. Sin, by definition, is that which separates us from a relation with God. I am a firm believer based on my own life experience that God sometimes sends us down roads that might ordinarily be sinful to give us a chance to learn a life lesson.

For her Huffington Post Article, Ms. Larson interviewed Eric Anderson, an American sociologist at England's University of Winchester and author of the provocative new book, The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love, and the Reality of Cheating (Oxford University Press, $49.99). It was refreshing for me to read this quote from Mr Anderson, "Honesty is good sometimes, and horrible other times. There are good reasons to lie; it is an essential skill for keeping community and relationship peace. The reason men lie about cheating is mostly because they know that if they ask for permission to have recreational sex: 1) they will be denied 2) after they are denied, they will be subject to scrutiny and increased relationship policing; 3) they will be stigmatized as immoral, and most likely broken up with. Thus, honesty doesn't meet their desires of having both a long-term partner and recreational sex with others.

The way cheating men see it, it's either cheat or don't cheat, but telling their partners they want sex outside the relationship, or telling their partners that they actually cheated, is viewed as a surefire way of achieving relationship termination. When men cheat for recreational sex -- not affairs -- they DO love their partners. If they didn't, they would break up with them."

Mr. Anderson is absolutely right. Honest can be a terrible weapon when it is used for the wrong reasons. Sometimes, for instance, gay or bisexual married men confess their sexuality to their wives because of guilt. In such cases they are NOT trying to do the right thing. They are simply trying to relieve the guilt that is bothering them. How can such men who more than likely struggled with their sexuality for decades expect their wives to deal with it successfully when it is sprung on them without warning? In reality, they can't and usually women don't deal with it well.

The idealist of the world insists that honesty is always the best policy. The realists will more properly insist that we don't live in an ideal world and sometimes the truth can cause more harm than quietly and sympathetically embracing reality.

The views I have expressed here are not a license for men to go wild, party wildly and throw their marital responsibilities to the wind. I suspect Ms. Larson would say the same. As a married bisexual man, I came to see that I essentially had two and only two choices. I could deny my desires and live in as a desperate agitated and unfulfilled state or I could embrace my bisexuality and live it quietly and carefully within the boundaries of a few rules designed to keep me and my wife as safe as possible. I choose to take the latter course and from the very beginning I was a different man. For the first time in my adult life I felt calm and satisfied. I no longer felt needy and anxious. 

Living that life worked out so well, that I was happy and my wife was happy too. Our life together, which had always been great, became even better because I was no longed dogged by my bisexual needs. When I did decide to tell her several years later, it was at a time that she could understand it and accept it. I don't mean that it was the best news she ever got, but it was not news that threatened our marriage and the life we had built together.

The reality is that most men cheat at one time or the other. Married bisexual men are in a situation where they almost have to have a relationship outside the marriage. In most cases this does not mean they do not love and value the straight side of their life and love their wives. Women would do themselves a favor in considering carefully what their course of action should be when they find their husband is "cheating."

It does no good at all to throw away a number of good years, end a marriage, upset kids caught in the middle and get into a second marriage with another man who is just as prone to cheat.

Emotionalism seldom serves anyone well. Thinking realistically and unemotionally often serves one very well.

Jack Scott

P.S. I write this blog not to hear people agree with me, but rather give people a starting point for realistic thoughtfulness and self examination. I also write it to inspire feedback to me in the form of comments from my readers. I am convinced that a life lived well is a life in which learning never ceases.

What I have learned so far in my life has served me well. My life has not been and is not now without its challenges, but my life has been blessed beyond measure. I believe that the blessings of life come when one is ready to handle them. In spite of the blessed life I have lived, I believe that there is always more to learn. I hear from a lot of people but I never hear from enough people. 

Frankly it is rare for me to hear something new, but I often hear something in a new way that causes me to have that "ah ha" moment when everything comes together and I have a new understanding of and new insight into an issue I have known of for years.

That kind of new insight for me, more often than not comes from comments from and conversations with my readers. For that reason I am always glad to hear  your comments whether you agree or disagree with me.

Please take a few minutes to make a comment. You'll find the comment box below the Huffington Post piece of Ms. Larson. Commenting is easy. There are no screwed up words to decipher. All you have to do is comment and send.

Thanks. I look forward to your comments on this post and all on posts that interest you.


Vicki Larson



Why Men Need to Cheat

Posted: 01/04/2012 1:00 am

Monogamy is failing men.
Not only is it failing them, but it's a "socially compelled sexual incarceration" that can lead to a life of anger and contempt, or so says Eric Anderson, an American sociologist at England's University of Winchester and author of the provocative new book, The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love, and the Reality of Cheating (Oxford University Press, $49.99).
Cheating, however, serves men pretty well. An undiscovered affair allows them to keep their relationship and emotional intimacy, and even if they're busted it's a lot easier than admitting that they wanted to screw someone else in the first place, he writes.
In his study of 120 undergraduate men, 78 percent of those who had a partner cheated, "even though they said that they loved and intended to stay with their partner." Contrary to what we may think, most men aren't cheating because they don't love their partner, he says; they cheat because they just want to have sex with others. And society shouldn't pooh-pooh that.
Monogamy's stronghold on our beliefs -- what he calls monogamism -- brings ostracism and judgment to anyone who questions or strays from its boundaries. That doesn't make sense to Anderson, who wonders why we stigmatize someone who has a fling more than couples who divorce -- throwing away a marriage rich in history and love, upsetting their kids' lives -- over something like sex.
Monogamy isn't the only "proper" way to be in a relationship, and he says it's time that society finds "multiple forms of acceptable sexual relationship types -- including sexually open relationships -- that coexist without hierarchy or hegemony." It's especially important for today's young men, for whom monogamous sex seems more boring than in generations past because of easy premarital sex and pornography.
Dr. Anderson was kind enough to answer my questions by email:
Your study includes just 120 undergraduate men, straight and gay; isn't that too small a sample to really know what's going on for men?
If I were attempting to determine what percent of men cheat, then, yes. Large-scale surveys show us that cheating remains the norm... I wanted to examine the very notion of monogamy, not morally, but rationally. I wanted to know why men want monogamy but nonetheless cheat.

You say men want to be emotionally monogamous, but their "body craves sex with other people somatically." People crave food, drugs, booze, sometimes to disastrous results. If there can be self-control with other cravings, why can't men control their body urges?
Humans are largely lousy at controlling our bodies' desires. We say we don't want to eat that Snickers bar, but we also really do want to eat it. We eat it, we feel guilty about it, and afterwards we promise ourselves not to eat one again; but we nonetheless do. It is this same phenomenon, only with cheating, that I explore.
The men in your study experienced a sharp decrease in the frequency and enjoyment of sex after two monogamous years. Since no one can sustain the kind of thrilling sex couples have in the beginning of a relationship, isn't it a healthy thing that it decreases?
I wish young men got two years of good sex before it dropped off; it's a lot less than that! It may, however, be good that the sexual desire for one's partner weans; it means that we end up staying with our long-term partners for the socioemotional connection and not for the sex. If a couple is going to raise a family, it is the emotional connection that counts, not the sexual.
Our physical desires don't die; they just change from our partner to people other than him/her. We falsely believe that when the sex dies, the relationship has also died. The reality is the opposite; when the sex dies the relationship has just begun.
What about the idea that long-term relationships make sex become deeper, more intimate and more meaningful?
The diminution of sex is simultaneous to one's emotional bonds growing stronger. Long-term partners may have more intimate sex (most just have very little) but when men see a guy or girl who turns them on, it's not intimate and meaningful sex they are craving.
Honesty is a huge part of a relationship. How good a relationship can one have when there's deception, especially since you say after men cheat spontaneously, they are more likely to plan cheating?
Honesty is good sometimes, and horrible other times. There are good reasons to lie; it is an essential skill for keeping community and relationship peace. The reason men lie about cheating is mostly because they know that if they ask for permission to have recreational sex: 1) they will be denied 2) after they are denied, they will be subject to scrutiny and increased relationship policing; 3) they will be stigmatized as immoral, and most likely broken up with. Thus, honesty doesn't meet their desires of having both a long-term partner and recreational sex with others.
The way cheating men see it, it's either cheat or don't cheat, but telling their partners they want sex outside the relationship, or telling their partners that they actually cheated, is viewed as a surefire way of achieving relationship termination. When men cheat for recreational sex -- not affairs -- they DO love their partners. If they didn't, they would break up with them.
Wouldn't it be less harmful to relationships if we became serial monogamists -- marrying two, three or four times as our sexual needs change?
Rather than marrying 20 times or more in one's life via serial monogamy, we can keep one emotional lover and just have casual, meaningless -- and hot -- sex with strangers. This gives us the long-term emotional stability we desire psychologically, alongside the hot, carnal sex we desire somatically. It makes much more sense than lying and cheating , or the difficulty of breaking up with a loved one simply because you want someone else's body for an hour.
Infidelity breaks up many marriages, but often it isn't the act of sex that's so upsetting -- it's the deception and lying, clearly problematic for the emotional intimacy you say men want. So cheating for sex may be "just about the sex" for him, but not for his partner.
Infidelity does not break marriages up; it is the unreasonable expectation that a marriage must restrict sex that breaks a marriage up. One of the reasons I wrote the book is that I've seen so many long-term relationships broken up simply because one had sex outside the relationship. But feeling victimized isn't a natural outcome of casual sex outside a relationship; it is a socialized victimhood. I'm not advocating cheating; I'm advocating open and equitable sexual relationships. When both in the couple desire this, when both realize that extradyadic sex makes their partner happy, and they therefore want their partner to have that sex, a couple will have moved a long ways toward facilitating emotional honesty, while simultaneously withering at jealousy scripts, which can be very damaging to a relationship. But if one can't achieve this with a partner that's hostile to the idea, cheating is the reasonable action.
Most of the men in your study were OK with sex on the side for them, but not their girlfriends. That seems unfair and incredibly selfish.
Monogamy is culturally compelled, so the decision has been made for us. How much of a chance would a man stand to have a second date if on the first date he said that he was interested in an open relationship? At the point men enter into relationships they, too, think they want monogamy. It's only after being in a relationship for months or years that they badly want sex with others. But by this point, they don't want to break up with their partners because they have long-standing love. Instead of chancing that love by asking for extradyadic sex, they cheat. If they don't get caught (and most don't) it's a rational choice.
But it is indeed selfish for men to want sex with others but not to want their partners to do the same. This however is not just a "man" thing. Women also cheat; they also lie about it; and they also want to be able to cheat without their partners doing the same. Monogamy is a problem for all sexes; it builds in an ownership script regardless of gender.
You say love is a "long-standing sense of security and comfort." So, wouldn't open relationships potentially pose a threat to that security since, even if couples play by their own sexual rules, there's always a chance one could end up preferring a new lover over one's partner?
People in open relationships structure their engagements as to reduce emotional intimacy. But, yes, of course it can happen. What I find from those in open relationships, however, is that once they have had sex with that person they fancied, they tend to get over them.
If we really want to prevent our lovers from developing the lust of others, or worse, emotional intimacy with others; if we really want to prevent men and women from cheating, we would be best to sex-segregate our jobs, our classrooms and social arenas, too. Emotional intimacy is the real threat to a relationship, not a one-off hour with a stranger from Craigslist. Ultimately, there are no guarantees that one's partner won't find love elsewhere. But controlling one's partner to prevent it only makes matters worse -- it makes them want to leave you. A better strategy is to be open, emotionally and perhaps sexually, too.
Anyone can comment on what I write in this blog. Regretfully, the recent amount of spam in my email account as required that I reinstate the word verification process for comments which I personally hate.

But at the same time I have loosened the comment moderation process so that those of you who have a Google Blogger ID or other recognized blogger ID will no longer need to wait for your comment to be moderated. I'm hoping this will tempt you to take the trouble to comment.

The truth is I want respectful comments both from those who agree with me and those who do not. All I as is that you keep comments to the point, clean and non-threatenting.

I look forward to hearing from each of you.

Jack Scott