Tragically, it now looks like that is not to be. It's not that she didn't try. She gave it all she had. She struggled mightily. She wanted it to work; but in the end, it simply required more than she had to give.
She did a great job of talking the talk, trying to psych herself up to the challenges. In the end, she was only driving herself crazy. Up to it one hour and in the depths of despair the next hour. Try as she did with everything she had in her, she simply could not come to grips with her husbands homosexuality.
I write about this not to criticize this woman. She is an inspiration to me in many ways. She's a wonderful woman. Loving, intelligent, with much to give. She demands little. She is more than willing to be the one who works hardest to make her marriage work.
The only problem is that through no fault of her own, she simply does not have the capability to build what she wants into something she can actually live with. It is as if her dream is to build a stairway to heaven. No matter how much she dreams that dream, it simply cannot be accomplished.
I must say while she has been very good at seeking advice and has received a lot of good advice, she simply has been unable or unwilling to follow any of the advice she has received. I really think she wants to follow the advice that could help her, but she simply does not have the ability to do so. Though she insists she is willing to share her husband in a mixed orientation marriage, she simply is not up to the challenge.
I am so sorry for her. I wish I could make it better for her. I can't because as much as she wants to make it better too, she simply does not have the ability. Try as she has, she simply cannot walk on water.
So, I don't write any of this to condemn her. I respect her greatly for trying as hard as she has. I write this for the men who are on the other side of her situation, those married bisexual or homosexual men who are struggling with the question of whether to tell their wives and how much to tell them.
As I have said many many times, it is the most trying and critical questions a married bisexual man struggles with. There simply is no good answer to the question. There is no right answer to the question. This woman is living proof of that.
She was more than willing to hang onto her marriage by accepting a new paradigm -- a mixed orientation marriage. She found, much to her sorrow, anger and distress that one of the greatest tragedies of life is when trying one's best is simply not enough!
I have met hundreds and hundreds of homosexual and bisexual men. I have yet to meet the man who has not struggled with his sexuality. More often than not, the struggle has lasted for decades. More often than not, the struggle has severely wounded him. Many times it has caused him to think of himself as a true monster. I hear that over and over again. I am a monster.
With that being the fact for the vast majority of men, I simply do not understand why a man who has faced the issue his entire life and often failed to come to terms with it could think that he could lay such a burden on his wife's shoulders out of the blue and expect anything good to come from it. The reality is, he can't. The reality is that to do such a thing is not noble. It is cowardly and cruel. We each must simply bear our own burdens. There are some burdens we cannot, must not, turn over to those we love.
The couple I speak of did not have a perfect marriage by any means. But they had a working marriage for years. They were achieving their dreams, until he tried to mitigate his guilt by confessing all to her. With that confession, what had been a worthwhile and working marriage flew apart in spite of her fervent desire to keep it together.
When one rings a bell, the bell as been rung. The ringing of the bell can never be undone no matter how much we might desire to have it undone. The consequences are real and they are everlasting. It is a lesson all married non-straight men should consider carefully over and over again.
Most women have no such tools. Try as they might, most often tragedy is the end result. Add to that most women are so hurt and angry over the confession that they are unwilling even to try to live with it.
It is wise to remember also that even if a marriage survives, it does not mean it survives happily. Marriages can and do last a lifetime as an armed camp devoid of feeling or emotion, as cold lifeless ghosts of what use to be.
No man can change his sexuality. A bisexual man can learn to bear the burden with help from those who have born their own burdens. He can handle his bisexuality both discretely and discreetly, safely and with restraint while being the husband and father he signed on to be. Married homosexual men are often better off as are ultimately their wives, to end their marriages and give himself and his wife the opportunity to try to reset their lives with a person who meets their sexual needs.
As much as most bisexual men love their wives, the pictures that illustrate this post still excite us. Such is the nature of bisexuality. The fact remains that most women cannot get their head around the fact that their husband could be a part of such a picture and still love her. They simply can't, no matter how much they try.
Edited at 4:45 pm