Thursday, March 29, 2012


A member of the BisexualBuddies Group, Horatio Nimier, sent this You Tube Video to the group forum.

When I watched it, I immediately recognized it as the story of my life. More than likely it is the story of your life too as well as the life story of millions of gay and bisexual men around the world.

As with my own life, the song starts out with the expression of great pain and self hate, but it ends on a very high note indeed.

Please watch this video and then tell your friends and family about it; or better yet, just send the the link to it.

If this video is not the story of your life because you still are in pain and harboring hatred for yourself, please contact me personally. I'd be happy to talk with you. It really does get better if you do your part to make it better.

I'd like to hear from you if you enjoyed this video and even if you didn't.

Thanks Horatio for bringing it to my attention.

Jack Scott


  1. Jack,
    I am a bit speechless after viewing this. The look of fear, terror, lonliness and abandomment I saw in the eys of the men singing at the beginning took my breath, becusae I cannot recall how many times I have prayed the same things and begged God to change me with weeping and agony of heart. Thank you for sharing this moving performance. I hope it helps the hundreds of thousands out there just like us that have wrestled with the same feelings, emotions,hurts and fears. I think I will see if I can share this with another group I am part of becuase I know it will speak to others as it did me.

    1. Phx Bud, yes I understand, I too was struck when I hear my prayer in almost the exact same words on the song. For years I begged and pleaded. For me the answer finally came when I asked to be shown "why." Within hours of asking that question I met a suicidal gay man. It took me 3 years to save his life and saving his life changed mine.

      BisexualBuddies Group and this blog have also become part of the "why." Through the outreach provided by the group and by the blog I have been able to talk with hundreds and hundreds of men over the years. Some of them have become personal friends. All of them have touched my life.

      As the old gospel hymn says, "I once was lost but now I'm found, was blind but now I see." After so many years of pain and agony, I can truly say, "I want to come back as me."

      Please share the Testimony with as many as you can.

      Thanks for your comment. Best wishes.

      Jack Scott

  2. Thank you Jack for posting this
    It hit me on a day full of wondering about my own future. Even as I think I have accepted who I am, that does not yet tell me where I am to go with this new sense of myself. So in the end, the optimistic voices rise up and sing out, "I would want to come back as me"
    I so wish I felt that, but honestly feel like there is so much more I do not know about life and relationships even as I know much more about myself. And it is, still, a dimly lit lonely path ahead as I consider how and whether to take off my mask for my wife and friends, and possibly have to walk away from my past - dishonestly constructed as a great portions seems to have been.

    The song does make me feel that there are many many men like me, so that is at least some consolation

    1. Your very welcome Jason. It was my extreme pleasure to post such a powerful testimony from so many gay and bisexual guys.

      I know you are still in the painful part of your own personal journey. It seems to be part of the rite of passage for all of us. I don't know what lies ahead for you. I don't know how it will turn out, but I do know two things:
      1. You must choose to be happy and to be you.
      2. God does not love you any less than he loves me and he has brought real blessings to my life. He'll do the same for you.

      You speak of taking the mask off. Keep in mind that we live in an era when the extremes of every cause and situation of demanding we "do it their way."

      You have to do it "your way." Don't give into the demands of those who don't even know you in considering how to live this part of your life. Decide what is best for those you love and who love you in the quietness of your own mind and heart. Live that decision.

      Best wishes to you my friend.

      Jack Scott

  3. Seeing the faces of these beautiful men reminds me of how far I still have to go in self-acceptance and facing my own fear of being a "freak of nature." What a wonderful compassion comes through their voices that speaks volumes of how much they have suffered and how much it has been worth the journey. Thanks for the reminder that I must accept myself with compassion before I can embrace any man or woman, and not judge them from my fear of being rejected either by them or myself.

    1. Jack, thanks for writing this comment. I know how much courage it took to write that you are still on the road to self-acceptance. I remember those days so well.

      I thought of myself as a "monster." You think of yourself as a "freak of nature." Not that far apart. But the time came for me when I determined that I simply had to face myself as I was and embrace my life. In many ways that was the beginning of the completion of my life. For the first time, I began to be made whole and happy.

      It can happen for you too. I have lived the most blessed of lives. That doesn't mean I have not had heartaches and challenges. It does mean I choose to count the blessings rather than dwell on the heartaches.

      I am convinced I am who I was meant to be. Since I'm not special, that means you can be who you were meant to be too. Simply reach out and come to know the fullness of yourself.

      I dont' know if you're a believer or not. It really makes no difference. Jeremiah 1:5 says, "I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born, I set you apart (for a purpose."

      Romans 8: 38-39 tells us, "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

      If you are a believer, then accept the word of the Lord that you are who you are supposed to be and that you are so loved that nothing can separate you from the love of God.

      If you are not a believer, then know that you are unique in the universe. No one else is exactly like you. There is purpose and value in every life and you must live yours in love of yourself and those around you.

      Either way, believer or not, the story is much the same. And you are so right in understanding that your story cannot unfold until you love and accept yourself.

      Best wishes Jack Kiburz.

      Jack Scott

    2. Wow, I guess YouTube has more content than I realized, although I have to say I have mixed feelings about this video in particular. I think the problem with it is that it's too limited in its appeal. Only gays grabbling with these feelings would bother to watch it. I think if you showed this to a typical high school group, they would turn it off within the first few lines; it's just too sappy. Yet sadly, it's high schoolers who really need to recognize the angst that so many of us go or went through.

      Anyone who bothered to post something here or visits here, gets this message. The problem is, we're not the ones who need to get it. It's the others--the ones who mock and label. I can't help but wonder, how long will it go on? I'm out at work and recently I had a conversation with a closeted lesbian who's a coworker. We both agreed that things are better today, but it's far from being the safe accepting world we'd like it to be. Much of the problem is the straight world thinking that we're over the hurdle, and that we've won equality. The sad truth is we haven't. There's still a big majority of people who approach us with tongue in cheek, thinking its quite amusing and trendy to meet someone who's gay. They tell us what we want to hear, but they speak of us with hushed tones and rolling eyes when they speak to others; a "them vs. us" type attitude. It's very easily perceived, I've walked in on it a number of times, and it's a sure sign that nothing has really changed. The snickering, the mocking it all still exists. One guy actually said to me, "I'd have no problem if my son told me he's gay. He's my son, and I want him to be happy." Then he paused for a moment and finished with, "…Thank God he's not--he's married with kids, and I'd be disappointed and pissed if he ever said he was gay. But I have no problem with it..." Do you really think anyone like this would bother to watch this video? I don't.

      On the plus side, to see the beautiful smiles on these guys towards the end brought a tear to my eye. They are beautiful men, all in their own way. To think that they've been saved from their torment is redeeming. I get it. Gay people in general will get it. But will the straight world even receive it?

    3. Bob, I think you have some pretty well reasoned points here. I have to admit that had not the video been recommended to me I would have probably turned it off somewhere in the first minute. That's a problem for sure, because I would have then missed a great message.

      However, that leads right into the point I think the author is trying to make and that is, "we have to accept ourselves and forgive ourselves."

      You have made a statement that on the face of it most people would say is true; but unfortunately, it isn't. You said, "Anyone who bothered to post something here or visits here, gets this message. The problem is, we're not the ones who need to get it. It's the others--the ones who mock and label."

      Oh how I wish that were true, but it just isn't. You a strong guy. You've been through the wars and you've survived and the trial by fire has made you strong and you get it. But some guys don't get it. Some guys are still struggling. I talk with them all the time. They not only hate being homosexual or bisexual, they hate themselves for BEING homosexual or bisexual. Even when they don't hear or see the hurtful things that people say about and do to homosexuals, they know it goes on and the do not want to be the butt of hurtful things even if they don't see or hear it personally.

      I think, the author of this piece did not write it to encourage straight people to be nice to and accept gay people. He wrote it to encourage gay people to be nice to themselves and accept themselves and be glad in who they are.

      To me the last of the song is the telling point when they sing that they have come to the place in which they know, if they had the chance to do life all over again, they would "come back me."

      That line hit me like a hammer because for so many years I begged God to take it all away. And then one day a few years back I realized that I wouldn't want it taken away. I want to be me. I am happy with me; and yes, I'd want to come back as me.

      Thanks for your comment Bob. I always look forward to reading them.

      Sorry to hear you are out of work. I hope that changes very soon.

      Jack Scott

  4. Jack, this was so moving, I really related to the pictures of the men at the beginning as I knew what they were feeling. Unfortunately, I still feel that way! I got so much out of the video and also out of your blogs you send, I feel like I know you because of the spiritual experiences you write about. I've felt like I was such a loser all my life. I hope I can write again and let you know me so we can correspond. Alex


I deeply regret that I must reinstate the verification process for those who want to leave comments on my blog. This is due to the intolerable amount of spam that spammers are attempting to leave on the blog.

At the same time I am changing settings so that those of you who have a Google Blogger ID or other recognized blogger ID will not have to have your comments moderated. My hope is this will encourage more readers to take the time to comment. The fact is I want to read comments with those of you who disagree with me as well as those of you who agree with me. All I ask is that you keep your comments clean and non-threatening.

The only reason I take the time to write this blog is to spur your thoughts and comments. Please do not let the spammers cause you not to comment. I know entering the verification words and numbers is a pain in the ass, but I hope you will not let the spammers cause you not to comment.

I still very much look forward to hearing from you.

Jack Scott

Anyone can comment on what I write in this blog. Regretfully, the recent amount of spam in my email account as required that I reinstate the word verification process for comments which I personally hate.

But at the same time I have loosened the comment moderation process so that those of you who have a Google Blogger ID or other recognized blogger ID will no longer need to wait for your comment to be moderated. I'm hoping this will tempt you to take the trouble to comment.

The truth is I want respectful comments both from those who agree with me and those who do not. All I as is that you keep comments to the point, clean and non-threatenting.

I look forward to hearing from each of you.

Jack Scott