Coming out as a gay man - when you're already married to a woman - would be an emotional minefield. Photo: Viki Lascaris
Coming out – it’s an emotional minefield. Accepted by some, rejected by others, confused about who to trust and where to turn.
How much harder if you were a gay man who had to ‘'come out'’ to your wife and children?
It is estimated roughly two million lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people in the United States have married someone of the opposite sex.
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One-third of these couples break up immediately after disclosure, one third stay together for a year and then separate and another third attempt to make it work (although three years later, only half of this group were still together).
Psychologist Paul Martin from Brisbane's Centre for Human Potential has spent 25 years working with men and women of mixed-orientation marriages.
Mr Martin said the impact of suppressing or denying homosexuality was wide-reaching, resulting in both physical and mental health issues.
“This story needs to be told. It’s something that’s happening underneath our noses all the time, more than anyone would imagine,” he said.
As the acceptance of homosexuality increases, it is expected the number of married men coming out will continue to rise.
“These men have a heightened level of internalised homophobia and are responding to a discomfort with who they are. They develop many defences,” Mr Martin said.
“They will quite often repress and separate out their same-sex attraction. This is a very emotionally stressful situation. It places a huge pressure on their psyche.
“Everything they say and do and every person they interact with is an act of deception because they have a conflict between the real self and the projected self.
“They become masters of deception. They can quite often be loveable and popular, but the problem for that person is that people are interacting with an ‘avatar’ and not the ‘real’ person. It is the loneliest place in the world.”
Mr Martin said the leading motivation for a man to deny his homosexuality was the fear of rejection.
“Rejection sensitivity is common. From early childhood we all have a fear of parental rejection. In this situation it extends to peers, work colleagues, friends and family.”
David*, a 70-year-old Brisbane man, has been married for 41 years and has two children. He is the full-time carer for his wife who suffers from multiple sclerosis. David is also homosexual.
David was a Baptist minister when he came out and believed his sexual desires were a sin. He agreed to undergo electroshock treatment, or aversion therapy, in a bid to cure his homosexual urges.
“I had electrodes attached to my penis and was shown images of naked men and images of naked women. Every time my body temperature rose, which of course was when I saw the pictures of men, I was given an electric shock.
“It was the most painful experience. I asked the doctor if anyone had been cured using aversion therapy. He said ‘not one person’.
“I adopted
the view of the church as my view of myself. The self-loathing and self-hatred caused great stress on my physical health. Internalising it has had a huge impact on my life.”
David said he remains steadfastly committed to the vows he took when he married his wife. He said he has not been unfaithful despite his revelation and has remained celibate.
“Marriage is not just about sex. I am not a practicing homosexual, although I would give anything to be deeply in love with a man. I have lived a lie for 41 years. It is not easy. It has been an enormous effort trying to keep my two worlds apart.”
Michelle* was married for 15 years and had no idea her husband had spent many of those years having sex with men - effectively leading a double life.
She shared her story in the hope it might resonate with
other couples trapped in a mixed-orientation marriage, or dealing with the aftermath following disclosure.
She felt societal homophobia coupled with her (now ex-) husband’s internalised homophobia was a major contributing factor in his inability to be true to himself and to his wife and family.
“When my husband told me he had been having anonymous sex with men he’d met online and hiding it for years, there were no words, just disbelief. He did not fit the stereotype of a gay man. We had children. He was loud and aggressive.
“I was confused. Was he bisexual? I asked him if he was gay. He said yes and that he was extremely relieved he could finally be open about his sexuality. A lot of things started to make sense.
“His violent mood swings stemmed from his confused sexuality. He felt trapped and scared keeping such a huge secret. He had been fighting suicidal thoughts. He was taking anti-depressants. I felt more sorry for him than I did for myself.
“To this day he is still in denial. Years later he still fears what his friends and family will think. Being married was the perfect disguise. His mood swings continue. Homophobia is deeply entrenched.”
In her book Husbands Who Love Men, Arleen Alwood says some married men who have sex with other men are surprised to discover they are homosexual.
“In one study, 12 of the 60 married bisexual men interviewed were past 40 when they had their first homosexual relationship. These men reported that the first experience came entirely unexpectedly.
“Those wives who do finally discover that their husbands are gay rarely, if ever, understand why they prefer other men,” according to Alwood.
As this
anonymous blogger put it: “When another woman manages to steal your husband, at least you believe you can compete. When your husband wants another man, it denies your entire being.”
Mr Martin said disclosure for the wives often meant any insecurities they had about themselves were heightened.
“Wives go through a grieving process, a shock process. Their insecurities of ‘Am I too fat, too young, too old’ are activated. It also generates a self-doubt in the wife.
“The first step in this process is for the man to take responsibility for his behaviours. There will be no empathy unless he can acknowledge what he’s done.
“There will always be pain and hurt and shock but there is a way to best manage that. It can never be done in a way that is good, but with sensitivity, integrity and love it mitigates against huge amounts of pain.”
*Not their real names.
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I can relate to this article somewhat, living in a marriage knowing that I was bi was very streesful for causing me mental anguish,health problems and even anxiety. Divorce was actually a huge relief. I decided to accept myself after the divorce and just go with the flow - experiment if you will. To my surprise two things happened. I had my first m2m experience with, of all people, a close male, married, friend. It was real and we are still friends and from time to time still get naked. But the neat thing is we had a friendship first. Our relationship is not based on lust. We're friends sex or not. The second thing was I met a single woman, yes at a bar. We have gone on to have some of the best m2w sex I've ever had. She is turned on by me in ways that my ex never was. She does not know about my buddy and I having sex. But he knows about her as I've recounted many a story for him. I don't know where I'm going. I don't want to marry again, yet, anybody. I don't want to break up anyones home. In the words from a Grateful Dead song "...what a long strange trip its been..." Any comments/thoughts?
ReplyDeleteHi Ward, our stories parallel, and I feel for you. Oddly enough, I too had a gay friend who is married to a woman. [We never had sex, although he always wanted to. I didn't; I just was never attracted to him sexually.] But we were always friends, that is, until I divorced and came out. He was too afraid that people would link us together as "secret lovers", which is something I can totally understand. It's been 15 years now, and we haven't spoken to each other since.
DeleteBut for the life of me, why would you date a woman at this point in your life? You did say that you are bi, but you're only going to fall into the exact same dilemma if you aren't truthful right up front. I think that only proves that you're not yet comfortable with being open with who you are. If you're really bi [not gay] and you really still find yourself attracted to women, then say so when push comes to shove with them. They'll either still be interested in you, or they won't. But you'll certainly save yourself a lot of angst. I go through this all the time with women coming on to me. Once I tell them who/what I am, we still continue a friendly relationship, and there's no one hurt.
I also think you need to explore men more. My gut tells me you've only had a little experience with them, and that you find it much easier to compromise and bed down with a woman. No argument there, it IS much easier to hook up with women, at least socially. I think you're trying to rush things, feeling that you haven't a moment to spare being married previously. Calm down, quite simply. Become comfortable with yourself, be honest about it with others, and you'll see. Things will fall into place. My best regards!
Bob: Thank you for taking the time to write a reply. You are very perceptive. Obviously you're getting the "Reader's Digest" version of hte whole story. There's way more to tell. My married buddy I would not call gay - curious maybe. The sex, well it happened after a drink filled evening and quite frankly Bob, he's a stud. Always has been always will be. If there was no attraction I wouldn't have done it. Secondly, the woman at the bar came on to me. Hey, I'm an opportunist. Beats sitting at home whacking and I like being the dominant male in charge that sends a woman into ecstasy. Bottom line Bob. I don't like to be alone. You're gut is right and yes I do rush. I want everything yesterday. Thanks again. I appreciate your forthrightness!
Delete:) You know Ward, I've really forgotten about what it feels like being the dominant male with a woman. I always fantasized about men, but was afraid and awkward about the whole thing thinking how wrong it was, along with all the social complications that come along with being out. That's why I got married. But now since you bring it up, and once I was married, I remember thinking to myself "NOW I'm on the right track; this is the way it's supposed to be--male/female." But that was before I ever had real sex with a guy, and once I did, that's when I realized what I was and what I really wanted. So yes, I do understand where you're coming from.
DeleteAn opportunist? Aren't we all? I guess that's OK for you as long as you keep things in perspective. I was the type that would be totally heartbroken if there wasn't a "second time". It took me a while to figure out that a one night stand is simply that--a one time event, and that it's simply something done in the heat of the moment. No guarantee of a return trip.
Once I was able to realize all of that and be OK with it, I was fine. But don't be afraid of being alone or feeling that time is running out. Don't give yourself away to just anyone just because they're willing. That was something I never did and as time went on, I realized how smart that was. Once I was single and got out to the gay circles, there were so many guys that I passed up who turned out to be total train wrecks. I guess all I'm saying is be careful, don't rush, and be honest with yourself and others. Go out and play--carefully. Don't have expectations of always hooking up and you'll realize that it's OK.
Nice chatting, and thanks again Jack for this topic! A great conversation starter! I hope you all get to have some fireworks in your July 4th!
As scary as the prospect of divorce is to most guys, in my personal experience talking with guys over the last few years, the majority of them seem to be happy the finally got up the nerve to divorce. Most of them are happier by far than when they were married.
ReplyDeleteThe only guys I've met who are not happy are the ones whose children blamed them for the divorce and cut ties due to their father's bisexuality or homosexuality.
Thanks for sharing your experience Ward.
Jack Scott
Hi Jack--great post. I had to take some time to respond to it. I really wish I had more time to sit and respond to your posts a bit more.
DeleteBut! I couldn't agree more! Once I got up the nerve to explore my gay feelings, I couldn't believe how many married men I met. They were all just like me, living a big BIG secret. I think it still goes on in spite of the changing acceptance of homosexuality because men find it much easier to be and to appear as straight. Sadly, I don't think that will ever change, and I think the "big secret" is going to continue on and on the way it always has. It's scary and sad to think that still, today with all the progress that's been made, people can't look at sex in a different prospective, and that people have to hide what only seems natural and inborn to them.