Reconciliation

I began this blog three years ago next month. At the time there were two very clear purposes for starting the blog. The first reason was that I had come to see that reconciling one's self to being a married bisexual man is a task that is never truly finished. Instead it is a daily lifelong pursuit of reconciliation and personal atonement. I think best with a computer at hand with which I can put my thoughts into writing. My writing things down, putting them into words and sentences and paragraphs does much more for me than just thinking. There is a permanence with the written word that is missing with the words that are merely pondered in my mind. So the first reason for blogging was a selfish one on my part. It was for me and my own personal growth and continuing self acceptance and self understanding.

Honestly, I never expected the blog to be anything more than an on line personal journal. I never dreamed that it would reach tens of thousands of people and elicit responses from hundreds of those people, mostly positive and supportive comments.

Yet, to be completely honest, I guess I have to admit that there was a third reason for the blog. At the time I began to blog it had been three years since the ten year period in which I struggled to save my friend Mike's life had ended in success. The struggle Mike and I fought through for those ten years had been an important turning point in my own life which led me to face head on my own sexuality and to figure out that I was a married bisexual man. Fortunately, unlike Mike, though I had casually considered suicide, I had never taken it as a serious option and I certainly had never planned it and set the date for it as he had done.

To fully tell the story of Mike would take a book. It is a book several have urged me to write. Perhaps some day I will. It's a story that would make "Brokeback Mountain" look like a minor skirmish in the lives of two married gay men. But suffice it to say, it's a story with a bittersweet yet happy outcome. It's a story with yet no ending as Mike is now happily partnered with another gay man and the two of them are living rather ordinary lives in that they love each other, go to work each day, and struggle just as heterosexual couples do with the every day concerns of life. The difference for Mike from the life he was leading 16 years ago when I first met him a few days before his planned suicide is that he is truly happy.

When I began this blog, I had already long sense met Mark. Mark was not suicidal when we met. As far as I know, and I know him very well, he has never considered suicide. Mark's problem was much different. Mark was simply resigned when we met, resigned to living a lie, resigned to thinking that God wanted him to stay in an unhappy loveless marriage, resigned to a life for himself that was utterly without any sense of joy other than that brought to him by his sons and a few gay friends he had had the courage to cultivate.

I'm not a bashful laid back person. I've never been a person to tolerate the status quo no matter what it may be. Change, renewal, forward leaning thinking and the recognition of reality and personal potential have always been the values I cherish most in life. Not of my own accord, but because these values were pounded into me unrelentingly by a loving yet exceedingly practical and realistically thinking father when I was a boy.

When I met Mark, he didn't realize it at first but he became the object of the list of values I cherish. Admittedly, to impose myself upon him with the intention of ripping him out of his present life and pushing him toward a new life was a rather audacious and impertinent thing for me to do. But I recognize that I could ultimately not have imposed upon him without some level of willingness on his part to consider the possibilities of a new life for himself.

Candidly, I have to say that when I began to insinuate myself and my suggestions for change into Mark's life, I found the most willing man I have ever encountered to embrace new possibilities. Mike had been desperate for change to the point of seeing suicide as an acceptable change. It had taken me three years just to get him to renounce that option. Like Mark, and most other people, he had a natural resistance to change and after he renounced suicide as an option, he began to resist real change in his life because there was no way to change his life without both negative and positive consequences and Mike simply hates to consider the negatives of life. He'd rather just kill himself and not face them. At least that was the way he thought when we met.

Mark was different. He was not afraid of the negatives. He was willing to withstand the negatives if they led to new positives in his life, but he had a tendency to procrastinate. Basically all I had to do for him was be a big enough pain in his ass to push him off dead center and after that he was more than willing and able to do all the hard work for himself.

That is not to say he didn't have fears for the future. Like everyone else, he kind of thought at first that the devil he knew was better than the devil he didn't know. I will never forget the turning point in Mark's life. It was the day he told me that he had come to realize that he'd be happier alone for the rest of his life that to be miserable and alone in a lie of a marriage.

So the third reason for starting this blog was a rather egotistical thought that perhaps there were other Mike's and other Mark's out there who could benefit from someone willing to reach out to them and help them build a new philosophy of life which would support their own needs while continuing to support the needs of their families.

The blog has been amazingly successful in doing just that. It has been a privilege and a true honor to come in contact with the hundreds of Mike's and Mark's over the last few  years and sometimes to even come in contact with their wives and help them to consider new possibilities for redefining and reconfiguring their definitions of living life, finding happiness and experiencing fulfillment.

Mark's journey has frankly been a model for the best case possible. He has not only found his own self and come to respect himself, his worst fears of being alone for the rest of his life have come to naught. John is a simply remarkable man. A loving, caring and giving man. A man well aware that life is all too short and must be lived in the now! In short John is just the man Mark needed and wanted in his life. And it all came to pass because Mark found the courage to seek and embrace difficult change.

I have asked Mark to share his story with my readers in his own words, and he has graciously agreed. I hope you will read what he has written and take hope from it for your own situation. You have two choices. You can live the rest of your life as you are, sick at heart, hating yourself in a hopeless circumstance or you can find a way to really live  your life as Mark has done.

Mark's story of reconciliation:

Whenever I try to write my thoughts in response to a request by someone, I strive to be as honest & accurate as I can be.  The challenge is always that none of us is completely honest or accurate because no matter how hard we try to overcome them, we each have our own biases.  Depending on our personality and our circumstance, we can drift toward something noble or desperate.  So you know, I am, for the most part, an optimistic person. Some of that was instilled by my parents and some by the faith I acquired as an adult.  With that caveat I will attempt to convey my metamorphosis from “model son and married man” to “ ‘out’, divorced, and now partnered man”.  It is not intended to be a guideline, just a tale that perhaps will trigger your own personal understanding of yourself.  This is my story of reconciliation.

I grew up a “heathen.” Oh my parents belonged to a church; but fortunately, because we moved a great deal, we never really got connected to one.  Being “too enthusiastic” about anything (including religion) was viewed with disdain.  While my family was happy and loving, there were several subjects that were not discussed.  The biggest one (in my mind) was sex, and because my feelings on the subject could not be discussed, I dutifully stepped into the first level of my closet.  My father took a very active role in the raising of my siblings and me.  He made it clear that our goal should be the American Dream -- college education, a career, spouse, kids, and a house.  We were to never surrender our decisions in life to someone else and we were to never do anything that would threaten to block us from our goals for life.  Physical contact was discouraged in my family except for a handshake.  I was compliant and happy.

My first inklings of being “different” were really not inward but rather emanated from my father.  I was a decent athlete and truly enjoyed competition but I was not fanatical about it.  Some days I would play ball after school but other days I would like to come home and listen to classical music.  On those latter days there would be some sort of comment about needing to “go outside and play ball,” something a bit more masculine.   As puberty hit with a vengeance there was no freedom to discuss this with my parents as it had long been established that sex was not an appropriate topic of discussion.  I enjoyed going out with girls, not from a sexual standpoint, but because I loved to dance and go to movies, theater or concerts.  You could not do such things just with guys.  After all, “real men” don’t do such things!  I felt completely normal but I also sensed that my parents were trying to “butch me up” by pushing sports and downplaying theater or such.  I was the only one of four children to go to private high school… all male!  I will tell you that this was not the normal insecurity conflict between a child and his parents.  My mother recently acknowledged a whole litany of things they did while trying to guide me away from who I am.

By all appearances I was progressing.  I was popular, had several lovely girlfriends and was majoring in architecture at a major university.  I had joined a fraternity that was more serious about academics than some where the focus was more on wine, women & … well wine and women!  I was a total virgin (unless you count masturbation as having sex) and despite attempts by my fraternity brothers to get me laid, I was perfectly content to “wait”.  I just assumed my ability to fend off the aggressive women with whom I was fixed up, was due to my “moral upbringing.”  I am amazed that no one ever, even as a joke, suggested I might be gay!  What began to confuse me was wondering how I would “know” who I should marry.  As far as the time line for those “goals” in life, it was now time to focus in on one woman.  I became aware of homosexuality at this point because my university became one of the first to recognize a gay/lesbian group as an official organization.  I became more conflicted because I was fixated on that group.  Despite my outward appearance, I was confused and insecure. I know now it was because I was constructing my life based on a false premise as to my orientation.  I felt I was on a fast track to an ordinary life and yet at the same time having so many questions that could not be asked or answered.  I resisted the temptation to make contact with the gay group. Instead, I just plowed ahead with the heterosexual American Dream.

It is perhaps ironic that despite all the bad comments any of us might make regarding spirituality, what “saved me” from the path I was on was a Christian ministry.  It was not “organized” but driven by fluid relationships among several people with whom I had come in contact.  Since I had never been a member of any “organized” church, I did not have any preconceive ideas as to how things ought to be conducted.  There were just spontaneous gatherings of men and women in dorm rooms, my fraternity and in coffee houses to discuss passages of the Bible and encourage one another.  

Reconciliation

Through these people I experienced my first “reconciliation.”  I felt I had become reconciled to God.  I know it sounds crazy but I view it as my first step toward coming back out of that deep closet I was in.  My parents picked up on this change in me. Not from a sexual standpoint, but rather because the recognized a new optimism in me.  I was also suddenly more confident.  Yet they missed the cause of my new outlook entirely. They assumed I had started taking drugs!  

I became very involved in ministry and believed that my future spouse would be someone who shared my faith and ministry.  I still had the nagging question of how I would know which woman it was, and I asked a man in the ministry that very question.  He just said, “You’ll know.”  I accepted the implied standard of conduct that “dating” a woman who was in the same group was inappropriate, and so assumed that “the one” would be a woman who elevated my spirituality.  While I complied with this “don’t touch a woman” standard, there was now a new freedom with men. We could hug!  The attractions I felt inwardly toward some of the guys was attributed to a spiritual bonding rather than the sexual attraction it really was for me.

Time marched on. I married a woman when I was 28 years old.  We had not dated but she was very “spiritual” and we both were enthusiastic about ministry.  I asked some of the more mature married men if there were things that she and I should discuss before we got married, and they said that if we knew God wanted us to marry, then all would work out.  Everyone, in my circle of friends was enthusiastic about us getting married.  The engagement was short and the ceremony was elaborate.  I sensed a degree of “relief” on the part of my parents and even more relief when my first son was born.  I think it is inaccurate to say that truly gay men cannot and would not have sex with a woman.  At age 28, and being a total virgin, I could have had sex with ANYTHING!  However, the reality was it was not a good experience with her.  Any orgasm is good but somehow I expected a sense of bonding.  It never happened.  In part, because of that failure to bond, our sex life together ended with the third pregnancy.  My attractions to men physically never went away but now with no outlet for sex, the battle raged to resist fulfilling that desire.  I plunged myself into raising my sons.

I want to stress that I was a happy person for the most part.  I loved being a father; however, the relationship with my wife became more and more strained as I felt there was no reciprocal love.  As I put it later, she loved being married to me but she did not love me.  Though I was confused and at times bitter about the realization that she did not love me, I failed to recognize at the time that her response to me was appropriate as I did not love her either. I did not like the situation I in which I found myself, but I determined to keep going.  

For most of those years we were living in the Midwest and then I took a position in Florida.  In Florida, there was a much more relaxed attitude toward homosexuality.  I stepped back one day and asked myself a question.  With raging hormones and a sexless marriage, why am I never tempted toward women but rather toward men?  It was an epiphany.  I found a gay website where I could chat with other men and quickly realized there were many married men struggling with this challenge.  As I learned how to chat I began to understand all the fragments of my life that had not been connected to make me whole.

The best decision I made was to join a tennis group in town that was composed primarily, but not exclusively, of gay men.  It was a safe environment (as opposed to a gay bar or such) where I didn’t have to worry if anyone “saw me” with the group.  I was amazed to find these men were doctors, attorneys, college professors and small business owners.  Not a single hair dresser in the group!  We talked comfortably with no one asking me questions about my orientation -- just men wanting friendships with other men.  I could come home and tell my wife all about my tennis without fear since it was not some contrived event but truly a weekly tennis group.  After a few months though, I knew for sure I was gay.  It was my second reconciliation. I had been reconciled to my true self.

By now my marriage was at the point where I was sleeping on the guest side of the house.  Let’s just say that both of us preferred this arrangement.  I began to expand my social interaction with gay and gay friendly people.  My wife and I had no social circle as she preferred not to have one and she began to accept my going to various events a few times per month.  I would tell her it was a “charity event” (which was true), but not tell her it was a “gay charity event”.  All the time, I was building a group of friends who completely accepted me with no pressure for me to “ditch the bitch”.  I had known for years that I wanted to end my empty marriage, but now I began thinking there was a more positive reason to move on.  I began to get some professional counseling to prepare for the transition.  I wanted to do things honorably and well.

I took my wife on a walk and at this time (early November of 2005) I told her I had gone for counseling and that I wanted us to get joint counseling.  She did not think that was necessary as we were “both Christians” and could resolve things through prayer and Bible study together.  I insisted, pointing out that we both had the habit of restricting the open discussion of things that were bothering us.  She asked that we wait untill after the holidays and I reluctantly agreed.  I suggested she pick the counselor so that she would not think I had stacked the deck against her.  She picked a female professional counselor who was associated with a big church nearby.

On December 30, 2005 I was forced to come out to my wife.  She had not “caught me”, but someone had said something to our oldest son and his wife and I knew I could not wait any longer.  I did not want them knowing something that she did not know.  She was working at that time, but she had three days off.  I knew there was no good way to “ease into” the subject; so after we had lunch together, I told her that I had something serious to tell her.  Understandably she “froze” and I simply said “I am gay”.  I could tell that her mind was racing, and her comments, when the did come were all directed toward her concern about her own security.  The amazing thing about the time is that I finally could think and communicate clearly!  I had lost sleep and weight leading up to that moment because I had no idea of what would be said or done next.  I had wanted to “control” the flow of how I revealed things but that was no longer possible.  I did not know if she would insist that I leave the house (I was prepared to say no to this as it would be counter-productive to discussions) or what the future would hold.  We spent all three days together at the house.  I let her set the pace of the discussions so that she could handle our talks.  There were times when she cried and I held her.  I am not sure that I can recall every emotion but I can say that I felt an enormous sense of relief.  My darkest secret and my worst fear had now been spoke of and admitted openly.

The next step was to tell my sons.  Since the oldest was coming to the house within a few days, I sent him a text message saying that he and I needed to talk right away.  I knew he “knew” and I am sure he was prepared for the subject matter.  I had no idea what I was going to say or how he was going to react.  At that time, he was 28 years old and married for six years.  I was very nervous but had to rely on the fact that I loved my sons and had demonstrated that to them regularly over the years as they grew up.  I also had to remind myself that I was not guilty of some crime but rather coming to terms with something that had long been repressed.  As we began, I told him I was gay.  I acknowledged that I had learned that he had been told this a week prior.  He said among other things that he had been “in more gay bars than he could count” and that he understood that it was not a choice.  He and his wife have close friends who are a lesbian couple and they feel totally at ease with the subject.  We talked for three hours and bonded more than ever before.  I told him how it was for me growing up under this cloud and that I hoped now that he knew my deepest struggle, there would never be a subject he and I could not discuss.

I spoke individually to the other two sons the same day.  The conversations went along similar lines with the variations reflecting more the differences in their personalities than the subject matter.  Each time I suggested that we not consider the discussion “completed” as I had the advantage of years of pondering my situation and they only had a short period to contemplate it.  I did learn that the three of them had observed things related to my marriage and had discussed this among themselves.  Previously I had assumed they had not done so or talked, but now I was learning they had.  There was definitely a sense of relief that things were coming out into the open.  There was a natural concern for their mother and I assured them she and I were talking, not fighting; and that we were going to enter into some professional counseling.  I am sure it helped me that my sons were all adults living on their own.  While they were somewhat sad that future family gatherings would be different, they also had begun creating their own lives and holiday traditions independent of the original family unit.

My wife and I entered joint counseling in early January of 2006.  There were several problems with it.  First and foremost, my wife did not want to go.  She did not believe in professional counseling and did not like allowing someone outside the family to hear what was going on.  She felt this way even though she had picked the woman we began to see.  In setting up the appointment I had told the counselor that I am gay and that I had shared this with my wife and sons.  We were to complete a questionnaire prior to our first appointment but not show each other our responses.  There was one section that I did not feel I could complete.  It asked me to identify which of five sentences best described how I felt.  It went from “I am prepared to do anything and everything to preserve this relationship” to “I have done everything I can and have nothing else I can do”.  My problem is that I did not feel married and felt I needed more to define what the “relationship” was.  I left that section blank and when the counselor mentioned that I had, I brought up my perspective that we had never really “bonded” as husband and wife (something that I had discussed with my wife already when I came out to her).  My wife did not want to go to weekly sessions so we set up to go every other week.  We were handed a photo copy of “session two” to read.  I did so but became frustrated that we were being given a “cookie cutter” approach to serious issues about our relationship.  I decided to do some additional work on my own.

I was intrigued by an advertisement on television that I had seen and ignored hundreds of times.  It was for an online dating service that used “twenty-nine proven points of compatibility” to match people.  I started to identify the things about myself and my wife that were “set in stone” based on 33 years of being married.  I started with simple things like the socio-economic climate in which we were raised.  She was a small town farm girl and I was a big city guy.  Over the nest two weeks, I came up with twenty-seven “points”.  I worked very hard to make them non-accusatory but rather simple statements about each of us that are true.  From my perspective there were more problems than the fact that I am gay.  I felt it was important to discuss them with a professional counselor so that we would not use our usual tactics to cut off discussion.  I presented it at the second session.  The counselor seemed glad for my effort but my wife was not.  She objected to #6 and did not look further.  She denied it was true so the counselor asked me to explain.  As I did so, the counselor asked my wife to respond.  When she did, the counselor realized that what I was saying was true.  It was not an accusation but just a statement of who we are.  After a little discussion, my wife acknowledged that she did feel the way I stated in statement #6.  The most telling aspect of it was that my wife and I only “connected” on one level out of twenty-seven, our faith.

After four sessions my mother-in-law became gravely ill.  My wife wanted to stop going to counseling “for now.” Ultimately, her mother passed; and I did what I could to help my wife deal with the grieving process.  I had expected her to be inconsolable as they were very close.  I was surprised that she actually did much better and was appreciative that I had made it a point to be with her mother before she passed.  I waited an entire year before bringing up the issue of returning to counseling.  During that year, my wife had mostly acted as if nothing had ever been said.  I was a bit more open about my activities such as tennis and social events, now letting her know that they were with gay friends.  I even introduced her to some of my friends to take away the mystery and to show that gay men are as diverse as their heterosexual counterparts.  When she would bring up a spiritual argument against homosexuality as an orientation, I would suggest we study whatever passage she used to make sure we understood the context.  I think we were both surprised at how comfortable I was responding to her challenges.  I never felt unsure about who I am, and so was willing to take the time to help her understand.

When I suggested that it was time that we went back to counseling she said she would not go.  I told her that I was going to do so and initially went back to the woman we had used together.  I felt it was a wasted session as the woman just offered to print off a copy of the template for session #5.  I searched for someone else and was introduced to a very professional woman counselor.  I sent her all the things that I had done so far including my perspectives on my marriage and the fact that I was gay.  I wanted to dive into substance from the first session and she was ready to do so.  I will say that the contrast of experience between the two counselors taught me that one does not have to stick it out with one counselor.  One size does not fit all.  I was glad I had switched.  It truly helped.

This new counselor, Madelyn, probed and asked me questions.  She observed that I would take a moment to ponder my response.  Then she asked me if I wanted to stay in the marriage.  I said, “no.” It was the first time I had publicly said so.  She followed up by asking what I wanted and I said to bond with someone “intellectually, emotionally, spiritually and physically.”  The response came out of my mouth instantly and she pointed that out.  She offered that when I speak from my heart, I am clear and decisive rather than guarded and insecure.  It was an epiphany.  I was taking another step out of the “closet.” It felt incredibly good.  I was gaining confidence and control of my life.

Over the next six months I met with Madelyn every two weeks.  Each time I understood a bit more about myself and my situation.  I was reading voraciously about the experiences of others including several websites.  I kept trying to get my wife to a point where she agreed with me that we needed to move on, but it was not happening.  She continued to act as if nothing was happening.  During one of my sessions I mentioned to my counselor that I was not sure I would be able to trust someone enough to love them in a committed relationship given my marital history.  She assured me I could.  I was frustrated that things were not proceeding toward a conclusion.  I mentioned to Madelyn that I would even like someday for us as a whole family to take a cruise together.  To this she said, “Not until your wife takes responsibility for her own happiness!”  I realized right then that I was the “snag” in the process.  I was still trying to do everything and resolve everything to make my wife happy.  I went back home from the session, sat my wife down and told her that I was going to file for divorce.  It was a jolt to her.  I could tell that I had let things drag on too long.  My wife told me she felt it was wrong before God to do anything that led to divorce and so had deliberately ignored the issue.  She refused to jointly tell our sons so I did.  They were a bit confused as to “why now,” but most of that was because it had been so long since I came out.  I did not want to say anything that was negative toward their mother, so I simply said we had been working on this for months and now knew it was time.  I assured them I would see to it she was financially sound and secure.

I went to visit my mother with the intent of telling her everything.  My father had passed away some years earlier.  I was scheduled to be with her for a week but I was fully prepared to have to leave immediately.  I wanted to tell her the very first day and just after dinner I asked her to sit with me as I wanted to talk to her.  She said she was glad that I was doing this as there were some “observations” that she had determined to talk to me about.  I said I wanted to go first.  I told her about the disintegration of my marriage and how I was going to file for divorce.  I told her everything, including that I am gay.  She said that she and my father had sensed it early on and she began to apologize that they had tried to make me into something different.  I hugged her and thanked her for how they had raised me as it had equipped me to function in the broader world rather than simply release me to the gay world.  My openness with her opened a flood of discussions about relationships and sex that had never been allowed before in our relationship as mother and son.  The more we talked, the more we both understood that I was reconciling honestly to my family and the world around me.  My mother has quickly come to understand and accept my homosexuality. She has her moments of insecurity about my being gay, but I work to be patient knowing I have pondered all of this longer than her.

The divorce process itself was relatively easy.  We did not use attorneys but rather an online site.  Our state has laws that establish a 50/50 division of marital assets.  I had deliberately had the inheritance my wife received put into a separate account that I was not associated with so that there was no confusion.  I was prepared to either stay in the house with her moving out or to sell it as she had never taken care of the house in any way and I did not want to jointly own it with her now responsible.  Before I mentioned this, she said she did not want to stay in the house.  She waited until the divorce was final before she even looked for a place to live so I helped her search as I wanted the complete break to happen as soon as possible.  It is hard for both of us to break habits of procrastination formed over 33 years of marriage, but within two weeks she had a place rented and while she worked on a Friday, I supervised the move and got everything set up in her new place so that she could stay there.  I did not want any more delays.  I wanted the break to be complete.  I even left town for the weekend so that I was not available to help any further.

The first Christmas was a bit awkward.  The boys all came to town and I hosted our gathering.  I made a tactical mistake and let my former wife do some things in the kitchen as if we still jointly lived there.  In subsequent gatherings, I haven’t let that happen and things have worked better.  I was single for almost two years which allowed for all of us to adjust to the new reality.

Just over a year ago I met someone with whom I had been chatting via a website as well as Skype for over two years.  We decided to spend five days together in my city and before those five days were over we both knew we wanted more time together.  John had come out when he was 18 and had been with a partner for 30 years before his partner passed away.  We both had decided to “re-enter” the world of dating about the same time.  It was not a sexual attraction at first in part because he is from another country.  We talked a great deal about our past, his life in a gay partnership and me in a marriage.  We were connecting “intellectually and emotionally”.  When he came to the U.S. for a visit, we bonded “spiritually and physically”.  It all just fit!  

John had always been open with his siblings and they were truly excited to see their brother come back to life after losing his partner five years prior.  I knew I had to give my siblings the same opportunity to enjoy the great things that were happening with me as well.  This meant coming out to them.  My mother did not discuss my orientation with my sisters or brother as she wanted me to do it when I felt I should.  Since we are spread out all over the U.S., I decided to send a letter addressed jointly (so they knew that all of them received the same letter) but individual copies of it to each.  Each sibling called to express their love and support.  Since then, I send frequent emails about both John and me as we have been traveling over Europe or busy at my home in the U.S.

As things stand right now, most things are very positive.  I can tell at times that my family is all still adjusting.  My sons are fine with everything related to my being gay and being with John, but then, they have had the longest time to adjust.  

I have discussed with them my intent to enter into a civil partnership with John and they are in total agreement.  Each of them has spent several days with John and me so they have had the chance to see how we relate.  As I continue to live my life confidently and openly, I believe the rest of my family, and hopefully the community of friends and family around me will adjust as well.

As for me, I know that I am truly happy and that I feel contented with my life for the first time.

Mark


Thanks Mark for sharing your personal journey to a new and wonderful life.


As always your comments are greatly appreciated. If you see yourself in Mike or Mark, I hope you'll take courage and  hope from their successes in dealing with a seemingly intractable problem. There is little that courage and resolve cannot make better. Life is short. It is important that you live your life now. Please consider your own life within the context of hope and satisfaction that is possible for you.


Jack Scott

A Tale of Two Women

I talk to an ever increasing number of men via Chat, Email and/or Phone. I enjoy greatly hearing personal stories from guys about their trials, their struggles and especially their triumphs. I enjoy most, talking with those guys who have finally come to the decision that something has to give way and something has to change in their life.

These guys warm my soul, strengthen my faith and remind me over and over again that there is a destiny to each of our lives and that the destiny of each of our lives is meant to be a magnificent and satisfying thing, and it can be such if they will only accept the reality that each of us must work out our own redemption and refuse to submit ourselves to the redemptive ideals of others.

But this is not a post about all those guys I talk to or would like to talk to. This is a tale of two women, two very different women. While I talk to hundreds of guys, it is rare for me to talk to women. It's really rare for me to even hear from women. Once in a great while, I will get a letter from an aggrieved and sorrowful woman who, in her anger, lashes out at me because I've chosen to post my philosophy on line for all to see and am thus available as a whipping post.

I almost never get a letter from a woman seeking help in dealing with a bisexual or homosexual husband. More often I get angry and threatening letters from women.

A few weeks ago within hours of each other, I heard from two women. My chat with the two of them lasted for some time. The chat with one continues.

For the sake of making it easier to following the dialogue, I'll call the first young woman Angry Ann. The second young lady, I'll call Hope. Each name fairly describes each woman. I respect each of these women's privacy and I have been very careful to reveal anything that would place them in any specific location or indicate in any way who they are. There is no way anyone can identify them through this blog.

The tale I tell here is as i understood it to be told by each young woman. I apologize for any misconception on my part and either young lady is free to refute any misconception on my part concerning them in the comment section of this blog.

The words I use in this post are the words of each young woman though the phrasing and the chronology is often mine in the interest of keeping this post readable.

Angry Ann

Angry Ann's letter arrived first. She had read my blog with interest, she said; yet for the first time, she said, she felt anger over the blogs topic rising up in her. She said she was an open minded person, but in reading my blog anger seemed to take over.

She went on to say she was a fabulous young woman who has much to offer a marriage partner, yet she is struggling to find a mate because it seems all the men she is interested in are interested in other men. She said it hurts to be rejected because she has a vagina rather than a cock. Her greatest wish is that every single bisexual and gay man would quickly find someone and get married so that she could find the man she wants and quit having to go to bed alone and taking vacations with girlfriends.

She went on to say she is so tired of watching men at churches and bars and singles clubs eye each other when they think the women don't notice. Then she switched course 180 degrees and thanked me for my blog because it had given her the right to be angry. It had given her the right and the courage to demand that men be men and reserve their penises for women. She is, she said, determined to find a man she likes and demand that he be sexually faithful to her.

Hope's first letter to me was much different. She told me she was a young woman with two young children who is married to a wonderful young man who is everything she has ever wanted in life. I'll call him Struggle. They have been friends since high school and she has always secretly loved him. He had been in the military after school and thankfully survived. Upon his return to civilian life, they renewed their friendship and she finally professed her love to him and they married. For several years they enjoyed what seemed to be the best of marriages and family lives.

Then things began to change. At first she could not figure it out. She thought perhaps Iraq had changed him in someway. Maybe what he had seen there and done there had caught up with him and PTSD was taking its toll.

Eventually, there was counseling but from Hope's perspective, thing continued to go down hill. The friend and husband who had shared everything with her had become a cold and private man who refused to share his thoughts with her. He seldom laughed. He seemed preoccupied almost all the time.

Not to be put off and valuing her marriage and her family greatly, she continued to push her husband to open up to her and to share whatever demons were causing him to change into a man she didn't know. She promised him there was absolutely nothing he could tell her that would cause her to stop loving him.

Finally, the day came when he did open up. He told her that he was at least a bisexual man and perhaps a homosexual man. He did not yet know for sure though he was sure he was more homosexual than bisexual.

In her letter to me, Hope said she still loved him and she was willing to do anything for him including share him with a man if she had to. She said she absolutely refused to play the part of a victim. She would share him or she would let him go if she had to, but she would always love him.

Her husband was back and forth. One day he would tell her he loved her and another he would say he just was confused and he couldn't be sure what his feelings were. She had married him for all the right reasons, she said. They were friends. They laughed together, they shared, she wanted to grow old with him. He finally confessed to feel much the same way, but a little different in a big way. She was his friend, they laughed together, they shared, he wanted to be with her, but he also thought the desires within him would perhaps change when they got married. They had not changed except to become more demanding and more insistent. His reaction to these demons was to shut down.

With that confession from her husband, Hope went into her own tailspin. At times she loved him even more for the pain he was suffering for her and for his own plight. At other times she felt he had never loved her, that their marriage had been a sham from the first. She still loves him, but she sometimes finds herself doubting he could ever love her as much. The only thing that never changed is her desire, her need to hold on to him and their marriage no matter work.

As mine and Hope's chats picked up pace she continued to tell me much of what she was thinking. I found she had a blog and I began reading it. I found there was a public face in her blog that was much more filled with negative feelings than were her expressions of hope to me.

At one point her husband told her he has always loved her but he felt bad because he knew he could never lover her wholly and completely as she deserved to be loved. He admitted he questioned her love because he simply could not understand how she could love her so much knowing what she now knows about him.

Hope's husband began an undefined relationship with another man. He was open with Hope that the relationship existed. He is not open about the extent of it (and in my opinion, he should not be I told Hope).

That admission caused Hope to become a person she has never been, a person she hates. She began to snoop into his relationship with the guy. Searching his computer for clues, eavesdropping on his phone conversations hoping for clues. She was compelled to do all this, but at the same time disgusted with herself for doing it.

Hope & Struggle

She had flat out given her husband permission to explore his gay side, but saying she was giving him permission and actually giving him such permission was a different thing she was finding and it was spinning her out of control.

In the mean time, messages from Angry Ann were getting more and more bizarre. She informed me she was going to get her man and his partner would just have to deal with it. Their behavior was unquestionably wrong. It was selfish. It was her right as a woman to be married and have children with a man who would be into their relationship fully, by choice. Homosexuality, she said, is nothing more than a choice to continue following boyhood desires long after they should have been put away.

Because Angry Ann was obviously an intelligent, though misguided woman, I wrote to her back hoping I could get her to see that gay and bisexual men were not making choices anymore that straight people were.

Her response shocked me. For the first time I realized she was not talking about a theory. She was talking reality. She had found an admittedly gay and partnered man whom she planned to marry and change into a straight man.

She said, "This is clearly an answer you have given many times Jack and one that you don't really believe yourself.  Please try again from a position of honesty.  I love this man and he loves me and we need to figure out how to work through this and if you have some real insight not some pat answer I want to hear it.  We do love each other and both of our families will be in a better position if we choose to marry. Also, I believe that we always always have a choice and I know that you believe that too or you would not have chosen to marry. We may not choose our feelings but we do choose our actions. Now please, try again.  This is a real situation that needs real solution and you have walked this out for many years.  Or perhaps, I should be speaking to your wife.

And btw, I have a right to be angry about this.  It is a vile thing and I hate having to deal with it and resent that he acted on his feelings rather than doing what he knew to be the right things to do.  It should not be this way and I should not be in this position but due to his behavior I am and I have to deal with it now."

Hope continued trying her best to understand and work things out. I had scolded her about her snooping into her husbands computer and phone calls and emails. She admitted she should not do that and vowed to stop. She reported that her husband was seeing a counselor and that it seemed to be helping him deal with how he saw himself, but was having little impact on the problems surround their relationship and her wanting to accept it but yet being unable to do so no matter how much she wanted to.

I assured Hope she is a remarkable woman and I have come to respect and admire her. I began to share with her some of the ups and downs my wife and I had gone through in the months just after I had told her of my bisexuality. I told Hope that almost everything she has told me related in some way to feelings and emotions my wife expressed during that time. I told her my sexuality was now a non-issue in our lives and we were truly happy and still truly in love. I told her if she loved her husband she had to set him free and accept that he might use that freedom to fly away, to stay, or fly away and then return.

The last time we spoke, she and her husband had decided they would separate for a while and see how things work out. She continues to love him dearly and to want to spend her life with him. He can give her no such assurance, and I feel that is an honest response from him. I know it took me the greater part of 30 years to work through my own demons. The difference is I covered my demons well for all those years. My wife had not a clue. I truly loved her. Our life was wonderful. I led two lives. A straight life that was rewarding and loving and successful. At the same time I worked though a homosexual life that was painful, full of self hate, that I gradually came to see could also be full of rewards and self fulfillment and even a man I loved in a different way than I love my wife. In the end I was able to recognize that in living these two lives, I was living as a bisexual man. Is it fair to my wife? Of course not! It is simply beyond my understanding that when the time came she chose to live that life with me. She would not have chosen it, given a choice not too, but as she expressed it she was not going to let something she never knew about for over 30 years affect her now when it had not affected her all those years. One of her greatest sadnesses about it all was that she felt she had failed me by not realizing what I was struggling and in pain and torrment. That compassion simply is beyond my ability to understand. But I love her now more than I did when I was a boy of 16.

Angry Ann did not respond well to my beseeching her to understand she could not change and should not attempt to change "her man." She told me it was a good thing she did not know where I was because if she did she would do the world a favor and murder me. She told me I was the vilest of creatures.

When I expressed my shock at such a statement, she backed off and said she was just speaking metaphorically. She said that gay and bisexual men are weak and vile creatures who can only act on their impulses while she was a strong and self controlled woman who could control her own impulses.

She implied everything I had told her about my wife was a lie while she assured me she was a real woman living a real life. She again asked me to put her in contact with my wife if in fact my wife would verify every thing I had told her about my wife.

I declined, and told her I wished her well, but I felt quite strongly that nothing good was in her future. I told her that I saw no point to our continuing our discussion.

I have not heard back from Angry Ann. I did mean it when I wished her well. I would not wish the anger and the pain she feels at this time on anyone. And for sure I would not wish the anger or the pain she will eventually find on anyone.

Strangely, in all our conversations there was no indication from Angry Ann that the way she sees homosexuality and bisexuality springs from fundamental Christianity. In all the years I have been dealing with this issue and in all the thousands of people I have spoken to concerning it, I have never seen such hate and intolerance spring forth except from fundamental Christians. I hope Angry Ann finds a good counselor before her anger destroys herself and others. As always, I wish her well.

Strangely enough, in a way Angry Ann is right. She can perhaps force her future husband into a marriage and into trying to change. After all, by her own word, gay men are weak and victims to childish impulses. But Hope's husband foretells the future for Angry Ann and her husband. He will become withdrawn, angry and sullen. He more than likely will renounce his vow to her, openly or in secret, and return to sexual activity with a man or other men. It will most likely be a tragedy for both of them and for the family Angry Ann envisions.

Hope springs eternal, it is said; and so does Hope. She is, outside my wife, the most remarkable woman I have ever met. It was rare. You know how when you know a person well, but have never seen them and then you see them and they never look the way you imagined? Well, Hope shared a picture of herself and her beautiful children with me at one point and she looked exactly as I had pictured her in my mind's eye. Beautiful, strong, loving and full of hope.

I don't know what the future holds for Hope and her husband. He's chosen not to talk to me in spite of my efforts to get him to do so. I'm sorry about that. I know his demons well. I lived with them for almost 30 years. I could tell him all their secrets. I could tell him all their weapons and ways. I could tell  him how I and other guys defeated those demons and began to live happy lives.

Of the two of them, Hope and her husband, his path will be by far the hardest to walk. There are many pitfalls, any one of which can destroy him and ruin his life. But I have no fear of the future for Hope. No matter what, Hope will be fine. Hope's path into the future will by no means be easy, but Hope will be ok. Thank you Hope for letting me get to know you. Thank you Hope for all you taught an old man. God bless you Hope and all those you love.

For married men who are married or want to be married and who are bisexual, there are no easy answers. There are no right or correct answers, but there sure are lots of wrong answers. Yet there are those of us who have made the most of the life we've been given to live.

For married homosexual men there are no easy answers either. But such men who are presently living lives of struggle and pain there can be a life of joy and redemption.

Neither man is cursed. A joyous life, a contented life, a productive and fulfilling life is possible. Some of us can share how we made it happen for us. You have to do the work for yourself. Are you up to it?

Are you a woman who has found you are living Hope's life or perhaps Angry Ann's life? There is no way to sugar coat it. There is pain and struggle ahead for you in either case. But the facts are these. I personally know women, and not just one or two women, who have found a life they can willingly live. It may not be the life they would choose, but it is a life they can embrace.

I also know personally women who insist on remaining angry and hurt and victimized, women who willingly embrace that life. For these women there is no hope for redemption. They have been victimized and they have chosen to live out their lives as victims. It is not pretty for them, their children or anyone who has to be around them. Which woman do you choose to be? Think about it carefully.

Jack Scott

As a married bisexual man, I was extremely fortunate that when I decided to tell my wife about my bisexuality. She was, if not happy about it, at least understanding of the fact that I had made no choices in the matter.

I was also fortunate that at the time I told her our children were well adjusted and successful adults with children of their own.

Because of these things, the impact on our strong, long-term marriage was slight. That is not to say there was no impact. There were things that impacted her and things that impacted me. Interestingly enough the things that affected us were feelings rather than facts. She had trouble adjusting to the feeling that I might decide I'd rather live with my buddy than with her. I had trouble accepting that she could be so understanding. I worried about the pain she might be feeling but not expressing.

At about the same time I told my wife about my bisexuality, two of my close married friends were having to adjust to the self realization they were not married bisexual men but married homosexual men. Each of them initially tried to mitigate the impact of this realization by vowing to stay in their respective marriages until their children were out of high school. In both cases it simply did not work. In both cases, it was their youngest daughters who finally asked them when they were going to get a divorce. Both daughters had observed the increasing malice each marriage partner had for the other and they certainly observed first hand the shouting, the anger and the fighting.

In all of my talks with married non-straight men, I have found there is always an excuse why divorce is not possible. What I have never seen is a valid excuse. The reality is no matter how many times one partner threatens to divorce the other, many times it is a power play and a misguided attempt to gain concessions from the other spouse. 

In particular, almost any marriage counselor will confirm most women will never really pursue a divorce until they have someplace to go, either to another man or to a career that will support them and their children. The same marriage counselor will confirm that many men will not leave until they are forced out my their wives. Men are often content to live with the fighting and the bickering. The truth is they can often more effectively block it out than can their wives. For men, the devil they know is often preferable to the devil they don't know. Every man has a fear of growing old all alone. Their marriages may be shams but at least they are not alone.

But no matter the circumstances, a failed and broken marriage can seldom be hidden from the children. They almost always have an idea of what is going on.

The following article is reprinted from a recent opinion piece in the New York Times. It is must reading and must thinking for every couple who fight.

Jack Scott

OPINION

Keeping Marital Secrets Closeted

By JANE ISAY

Published: November 24, 2011

THIS summer, soon after gay marriage became legal in New York, my sons held a wedding for my former husband and his partner of over 30 years. The grandchildren were flower girl and ring bearers. The wedding thrust me back to the time when we faced a terrible choice and decided to stay married for the children. That’s what motivated my then husband and me to carry on our incomplete marriage for its last nine years, and that’s how we explained our actions after the divorce. It was a convenient truth, and also a self-serving one.

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Ruth Gwily

The year was 1980. I was waiting for my husband of 15 years to return from the last party of a psychiatry convention. I could hear voices from down the hall, happy men enjoying their time together. When he came in, his face was grave. He sat down on the bed and said, “I have something I need to tell you.” He took a deep breath. “I’m homosexual.” At that moment I saw my future collapse before my eyes. I got the chills and ran to take a hot bath. It gave me time to think and warmed me, but not for long. We spent the night talking and lamenting. On the plane home, we held each other and sobbed and planned. By the time we landed, we had decided to keep his sexual orientation a secret and stay married for the sake of the children.

Of course we both wanted to protect our sons, who were 10 and 14. Divorce was not uncommon then, but the circumstances surrounding our relationship were controversial and would have created a scandal in our small university town, so staying married for the children helped us both feel better about ourselves and our lies. We thought they didn’t notice any change, and we were mistaken. Secrets have a way of seeping into the atmosphere. Kids are natural observers. They watch parents like hawks, and they know when something is wrong, even if they don’t know what. I desperately wanted the charade to work at home — we were doing this for the children. So covering for my husband on his two nights a week out, and his two vacations a year became second nature — he was a busy man with many meetings.

I paid a price for my silence with my closest friends, because a secret of this magnitude builds barriers. I just couldn’t bear to show them the spot I was in. And I was leery of advice. When I felt so alone, I could always remind myself what a good person I was being, sacrificing for the children.

The other reasons for staying married were not so charming. If I had thought, I’m staying for the money, I might have questioned the lies I told my sons about where their father was on the nights he spent with his future husband. Or if he had thought, I’m staying to promote my career as a psychoanalyst, he might have felt a little heavy on the ambition scale. Or if we both had realized that we were just too scared to face the world alone, I might have given up some of the pretending, and he might have realized the gravity of his original secret.

But never mind. We had an explanation that made people admire us when we finally went public. Other truths might have evoked pity or suspicion: what’s the matter with her radar? How could she accept a half a marriage instead of a whole one? Who is she, really? To say we stayed married for the children put an end to uncomfortable questions.

If I had faced the other reasons to stay in the marriage, the burden of our lies would probably have been harder to bear. But the burden on our sons might also have been lightened. It’s not so great for kids to be told they are the cause of their parents’ behavior, especially when that’s only part of the story. When they finally learned the truth, our sons were more disturbed by our deception than by the facts. Our reasons didn’t seem to matter anymore. Truth trumps lies every time.

The phrase “we stayed married for the children” is like a silk duvet on a complicated and imperfect marriage bed. Nobody really wants to turn back the covers, the unhappy spouses least of all.

The author of “Walking on Eggshells,” who is working on a book about family secrets
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A version of this op-ed appeared in print on November 27, 2011, on page SR5 of the New York edition with the headline: Keeping Marital Secrets Closeted. Click here to see the original post on the internet.

An Inchoate Thought

I've been blogging in one form or another for the better part of a decade and a half. In many ways my blogging has had similarities to my bisexuality. I was a blogger before I knew what that was just as I was bisexual long before I knew what that was.

One of the things I like about blogging and being open to discussions with other men about things that are usually closely held personal secrets is that it gives me great insight into myself and into masculinity as well. Over the past decade and a half I have had the privilege of having hundreds if not thousands of rather intimate conversations with a huge number of men about their most personal thoughts, fears, and feelings. I have shared their sorrows, their guilt, their failures and their joys and triumphs. All in all, it has been a wonderful experience for me; and I take the trust these men  have in me as an honor and a responsibility.

Most of the men with whom I have had these conversations have passed into my life for a brief time and then passed back out of it. Most of them I never met face to face. From time to time I learn, as I did yesterday, that a guy has been following my writing for years and using it to adjust his own thinking and his own views of himself and his sexuality without ever saying or writing a word to me. In many ways, finding out such a thing is, all at the same time, frightening, humbling and the highest of honors.

There are now a handful of guys who tell me not only have I helped to adjust their thinking, but I have saved their lives, the life they were planning to take with their own hand because of their guilt and pain before they encountered me and/or my writing. My ancestors were American Indians; and they believed, to save a life made one responsible for that life. I have to admit I feel that responsibility and sometimes it weighs on me; for I think, who am I to be fooling around in the lives of other guys?

At the same time, I rather quickly came to realize that in a lifestyle that often seemed overburdened, complex and guilt ridden, it soothed some of my own guilt and fears to find there was something good coming out of my bisexuality. Ultimately, I came to realize helping other guys to dig around in their lives helped me to understand better my own bisexuality as the key to the purpose for a large part of my life, helping other married homosexual and bisexual men to figure themselves out. The successes that come along are rewarding beyond anything I can describe, and they have certainly been beyond anything I could have imagined when I started this journey exploration and understanding fifteen years ago.

Over the last few years, the realization that sexuality, male sexuality in particular, is a continuum and not a point on a graph has led to new and better understanding of myself and of other men. One of the most read of all my blog postings is one called "Frot and Frottage" which I posted in August of this year. The Frot Philosophy is not all that well known, but it suggests male/male sexuality is a biologically normal way for men to express themselves with other men for whom they hold a deep bond of friendship. Further, the Frot Philosophy suggests because modern society is so intolerant of male/male friendships and so suspicious of them, the emptiness many men feel in their lives and come to identify as unresolved homosexual or bisexual desires is really just a normal male desire for a significant bonded relationship with another man. Finally, Frot Philosophy suggests Frot activities transcend the labels of "homosexual" and "bisexual" and that even straight men are quite capable of desiring and carrying out a Frot relationship involving sexual expression. Over the last few years the more I come to see and know, the more I agree with this part of Frot Philosophy.

This new thinking for made personal for me about six months ago when I meet a young twenty something year old man here in Houston. This young man was referred to me by a friend of mine who knew of him and knew he was struggling with some sexual questions about himself. He told the young man he should get in contact with me because I could help him sort out his jumbled and troubling thoughts.

We met for lunch one day and it turned into a three hour talk, the first of many more hours of talk between this young man and me. He is no ordinary young man. Even at his young age, he is a very successful man. He owns his own home in a nice neighborhood. He's a professional man working for a well known multi national company with a headquarters here in Houston.

This young man is married, and he loves his wife and he greatly enjoys the sexual relationship he has with his wife. He is an extremely intelligent young man and a very good looking young man that anyone would perceive as being straight. Yet, he was quite upset when we met, because thoughts of guys and sex with guys seemed to be occupying his mind more and more. He didn't feel he was gay and these thoughts were highly unsettling to him.

The more I talked to this young man about all parts of his life, the more intrigued I was with what I found. Here was a young man totally dedicated to his wife and family. He was also totally dedicated to his job, his career and his personal and family success. He admitted that after meeting the obligations he felt for his wife, family and job, there was little time for personal friendships and he really had few friends here in Houston and no really close male friend. Over the course of our talks, the picture that emerged to me concerning this young man was of a man who is definitely not homosexual. He could be bisexual, but I have come to doubt even that. He has no desire for anonymous male to male sex. What he desires is a close male friend, someone he could trust implicitly and confide in with total confidence. He thinks that in such a relationship sex might be one of the ways such implicit trust and total confidence might find expression.

When this picture began to emerge to me, I introduced him to Frot Philosophy. He had never heard of it before, but reading it for the first time was an emotional homecoming for him. He was left with little doubt that he had unknowingly been desiring a Frot relationship.

Although the idea that a straight guy could be involved in male/male sexual relationship with his bonded buddy has only slowly taken form in my mind over the last few years, it is not a new idea at all historically speaking.

Recently, another blogger picked up on this inchoate idea of mine and commented on it in his own blog. The text from his blog, Enhanced Masculinity, follows:

"I extract one or two salient statements from one of Jack Scott's recent posts on his blog.

Jack says: 'For a bisexual man, the need for male/male sex and a male/male bond is real and there is no substitute for it.' I would say exactly the same for an Enhanced Male, perhaps even more so. 'The problems' says Jack, 'come from trying to fit our lives "within the false notions society has about male sexuality and all the implications of male sexuality.'

That is really well said and goes to the nub of the problem. Jack goes on, later, to make an interesting threefold distinction, where up to now I think I only made a double one: 'For men in particular sex has several functions. It has the procreational function which is the only function religion really recognizes as legitimate. It also has the recreational function which society condones within the bounds of heterosexual matrimony. But it also has the male/male bonding function which society does not recognize at all and does not admit exists much less condone.' I think I have been slow to recognize the importance of the male-bonding element that Jack talks so emphatically about: 'If one talks to men who have sex with men, he will hear over and over about the need for bonding. Society simply refuses to recognize the reality of the need.'

Then comes Jack's really prophetic paragraph that I endorse wholeheartedly: 'Personally, I believe society's wrestling with this issue is just beginning. The fact is male/male sexuality has been repressed for some time. But just as the internet and interpersonal communications via the internet have played a part in revolutions around the world in the last several months, I believe the internet is helping to arm a revolution in male/male sexuality. A subject that has been repressed and taboo is now open for discussion in tens of thousands of blogs and groups and one to one male encounters on the internet. Men are quickly coming to see that the urges and desires they have had all their lives are not unique to them. They exist in many if not in most men at one time or another. Knowledge or such a thing cannot be contained. It will spread like wild fire and it already is.'

Having other guys pick up on my thoughts and mull them around in their own heads and in their own blogs is an important part of the process of considering new ideas for me. So is reading the comments of others. Sometimes the comments of others helps me to solidify my thoughts. Sometimes the comments of others are so compelling and well reasoned, they cause me to change what I am thinking. Often I am pleasantly surprised by aspects brought up by others that I have never thought of. All that is what I like about blogging.

Although the idea that essentially straight guys could be involved in male/male sexual relationships with their bonded buddies has only slowly begun to form in my mind over the last few years, it is not a new idea at all historically speaking. Male/male bonding which included sexual expression by men who were the epitome of seeming heterosexuality was common in Hellenistic societies, particularly Greece, Persia and Egypt. Alexander himself, warrior, philosopher, King and conqueror of the known world of his time was a prime example. He was a legendary lover of women but also many historians believe he had bonds with some men around him which included a sexual component. To quote Matt Barrett's A History of Greece, "bisexuality was common place in ancient Greece, but it was regarded as a highest form of human communication, as a sacred bond between men, that lifted them to divine sharing, to refinement of spirit. Philosophers rather than philanderers were born from such relations…. They…do homage to a kind of relationship that they themselves aspired to be as equal to that of their heroes, Achilles and Patroclus."

Alexander ushered in the Hellenistic age, but it survived him by almost 300 years until it was ended by the rise of the Roman empire. But even the Roman empire felt the influence of Alexander, and the Romans were bisexual in much the same way as were the Hellenists. It was simply a part of life for Romans.

Yet, as Matt Barrett points out, because many historians and certainly many modern day Greeks see homosexuality and bisexuality through the lens of contemporary societal and religious norms, the idea that Alexander and the Hellenists were what they were is hotly disputed now by would be revisionist historians. That is easy to understand. Society still tries to deny even modern homosexuality and bisexuality as sexual norms although they are accepted as such by psychologists.

And it is not just ancient Greece and Rome where bisexuality was the norm. Cultural anthropologists found it to be common in many primitive Pacific Island cultures until Christian missionaries began to arrive and began to carry out their cultural genocidal practices. As with revisionists historians and the ancient Greeks, revisionists cultural anthropologists are now trying to discredit the findings of their predecessors, but outside the halls of Politically Correct thinking, it is still widely recognized that these societies considered types of bisexuality as norms.

My thought that essentially straight men may in certain circumstances express themselves and their feelings for another man in a sexual manner is in no way meant to suggest that homosexuality and bisexuality are not real sexual norms for millions of men or to suggest that homosexuality or bisexuality are not appropriate life styles. They are. What I am suggesting is that these labels do not tell all there is to know about male/male sexuality. I have come to believe that in a significant number of instances, straight men are sexually intimate with their buddies and remain essentially straight men. One of these men I know personally is bonded in such a way with his camping buddy. Many men are bonded in this way with their fishing buddy. When they are not with this buddy in a narrowly defined set of circumstances, they are straight men. Often the bonded buddies are well known to each other families and function normally as straight men within the bounds of family friendships.

These kinds of relationships have little chance of being accepted as cultural norms in this country in the foreseeable future. The mere fact that I am suggesting such relationship exist will more than likely set off a howl of protest from the extremists of various stripes who do not appreciate thinking that goes beyond their arbitrarily set social and religious boundaries.  Yet, if one listens carefully to the contemporary media, especially the media aimed at women, he will find the rumor of this norm is already the subject of much discussion and debate. In fact, many thoughtful individuals are coming to see that the religious right and the politically correct movements exist only as a reactionary counterpoint to changing religious and societal norms which they hope they halt. 

The good thing is that through internet blogging and other social contacts, men may come to  understand more about themselves and their own sexuality. That does not mean that living the life will be any easier in the near or even the remote future.

Each man will have to continue to come to terms with his own sexuality and also come to terms with what he is going to share with others and who those others with whom he shares will be.

Jack Scott