What I've Learned Along the Way - Part Two

As I said in the first part of this post back in December, "Gay men have won their battle to be accepted into the culture. That is not to say there is no work left to be done, there certainly is, but they won the war."

I went on to say that the same is not true for bisexual men. They have a very long way to go. There

are many reasons for this. Perhaps that is the reason this post was delayed so long, letters and phone calls just kept coming in to give me background input.

A caller said: "bisexual men just don't know what they want." And, he is right. Even a casual look around the bisexual scene will confirm this. To be fair, let's start with what the caller considers should be the definition of a bisexual man. He is a man who knows from experience that he can perform with both men and women and be satisfied performing with both. Gender has little to nothing to do with those he sees as possible  life partners.

A personal friend of mine agrees fully, married for 24 years, his marriage existed on paper, and it produced children, but besides the children, nothing good ever came of the marriage. It was just a 24 year long fight which ended in divorce. After the breakup my friend found his life partner, another male. He said, he loved Charles greatly, but if Charles had been Charlene, he would have loved her just as much.

My friend and the caller agree that to a bisexual man, gender has little or nothing to do with whom they form a long term partnership. When you think about it, this is really a pretty nice thing. The problem though is not many bisexual men subscribe to this way of thinking, or don't subscribe to it soon enough to prevent a lot of pain for themselves and others.

The second, and perhaps the most common confusion that "bisexual" men create for themselves, and

everyone they interact with, are those men who call themselves bisexual simply because they are married to a woman, but enjoy sex with a man. There are two subsets for this kind of man:

1. the man who really loves his wife, but also loves sex with another man, or other men.
2. the man who does not love his wife, but stays married for convenience while he has sex with other men.

There are millions of men in the category. Most of them are in the 40 and above age bracket. They are the ones who cause people to say that bisexual men are self-centered. All too often, they are right. I'm not casting stones at these men, I'm one of them. If there is any difference in me it is that I was so bothered by the experience that I began to do a lot of critical thinking about what should be done about it.

The third way bisexual men stir up trouble for themselves is the clash between the bisexuals who want a monogamous relationship and those who want to use their bisexuality as a license to party hearty, or even engage in regular sexual orgies. Some of these guys say they practice safe sex, but the reality is there is really no way to practice safe sex in a sexual orgy scene. For those who are married, their wives were at that orgy too even though were not physically there.

All of the things that lead to confused thinking about bisexuals, both inside and outside the bisexual ranks, have flaws that do not serve the bisexual man well, and give way to just cause for criticism to those outside the bisexual community.

There is a fourth reason men turn to active bisexuality that has some reasonability about it. In the case of a man whose wife becomes incapacitated, but he is not ready to become celibate. Sex with another man is less binding. Rarely does one man try to sue the other man. Usually, there are no expectations of marriage between two men in such a situation. Of course, this still leaves the other man in such a relationship? That must be a consideration too.

About four years ago a young man contacted me and asked if I would meet with him. We arranged a meeting. At the meeting, I met a very attractive young single man who was so uptight it was beginning to affect every part of his life. At this first meeting and many to follow he only wanted to talk generally and avoid telling me anything that might identify his real name to me. I respected that.

After a while, he began to open up and tell me what concerned him. It boiled down to his feeling he was homosexual. Since he was not married, it didn't seem to be too big a deal to me, but there was a catch: he didn't want to be gay. The thought of being gay was driving him nuts.

He's a very athletic guy (not that athletic guys can't be gay). But just a casual meeting with him would never cause one to walk away thinking: "What a nice gay guy." I told him that. I think it helped, but
not much. He continued to be consumed with this "what if" question.

I told him I thought I could help him find out if he was gay, bisexual or straight, but he had to promise to answer all my questions honestly and completely. He agreed. One of the first questions I asked of him was why he thought he might be gay. He said that he loved to look at pictures of good looking men, and he noticed good looking men he might see in public.

I told him I like art of all kinds. I've spent all day in the National Art Museum of several countries. It doesn't mean I ever expect to own something that would be in there.  I told him also, I like to look at good looking men. Doesn't mean I want to have sex with any of them.

He had previously told me when he was a kid, he was small and had been pushed around by other guys. That had caused him to become a gym rat, so such abuse would not happen. He accomplished his goal. I told him he knows how much work goes into building a body that people would notice. That could be part of his attraction to good looking well built men - an appreciation of the work they have done to sculpt their bodies.

I asked him if he had had sex in college. He said he had a lot of sex in college. I asked if that was with men or women, or both. He said it was always with women. He had never been with a man.
I asked if he enjoyed straight sex. He said that he enjoyed it very much.

We continued to talk for weeks. Our custom was to get something to eat and then just drive around in the car. He still had not told me his real name. One day a strategy came to mind. I was driving and just headed west. We came to one of Houston's many gated neighborhoods. I avoided the guard and approached the gate through the resident's lane. It opened immediately as it would for any resident. All residents have to have an electronic sticker on the windshield to trip the gate. I drove to my house and pointed it out to him and giving him the address. My thought was that now that he knew where I lived, he would soon tell me his address. A few days latter he did. This was important because it showed trust on both sides, and would encourage him to talk openly about his life.

A lot of water has flowed under the bridge between this young man and me in the last four years. He's  one of the most impressive men I have ever met. We've become great friends though we are separated by almost 35 years in age. I give him free access to the store of wisdom I've accumulated during seven decades on this earth. He gives me a measure of confidence that when I'm dead and gone, the world will still be in good hands because of guys like him.

He's married now to an exceptionally beautiful and gentle woman. It seems to me that they could me my wife and I starting over again. Together, they are going to go to places they never dreamed of just as my wife and I have done. "What about his sexuality?" you ask. He's come to realize he is not gay. He's bisexual. We talk a lot about his bisexuality and mine and what he must learn if his life is to be as satisfying and successful as he hopes it to be. What I tell him is something that I would have once thought ridiculous, but now I think it is the real answer for every bisexual guy for whom morality is important.

As those of you who have read much of my writing know, I am a Christian. As a Christian, the moral complications of bisexuality have always been a grave concern for me. How could I be both bisexual and a Christian? There are actually several parts to the answer of that question, that I came to understand well in my personal struggle. But the one thing that always continued to nag me was the fact that I was cheating on my wife who trusted me not to do such a thing.

The problem, of course, is that morality is not important at all for a staggering number of men all around the world. In India, gangs of men are roaming the streets looking for young women whom they can rape and murder. It is a national past time. The same is becoming true in Egypt. Sexual assault against women is open and rampant. After all, boys will be boys!

Throughout the middle east and spreading quickly to other countries around the world women are the property of their husbands. They have no rights other than those he decides they can have. They are kept hidden away behind  the dark burqa or the black abaya and niqãb depending on what part of the Muslim world the reside in.

Houston is one of the most cosmopolitan cities in the United States. Still it did not stop a Muslim father from killing his own daughter recently because by marrying an infidel (a U.S. Citizen who was not Muslim) she had brought dishonor to the family! How anyone much less any group of human beings could have arrived at the point of seeing such a thing as an honorable act is simply beyond my understanding. I know very well that most American Muslims would never do such a thing, but why would any Muslim who would even want to come to the United States?

So, we are all still immersed up to our necks in the human condition. Some of us get it. Some of us never will.

I've always been proud to be a Texan. "Texas", as we say, "is a whole nother country." And it's true. Texas is a state of mind found nowhere else in the world. It's a can do spirit mellowed with a readiness to help a neighbor in a time of need. It's a feeling that "I worked hard for mine, and you should damn well work hard for yours."

No matter what one may think of this Texas Spirit, reality tells the real tale. If Texas was still an independent nation, it would be the 14th largest economy of all the countries of the world. Is it any wonder that Texans worry that the millions of immigrants pouring into Texas may bring with them the old ideas, old feelings and old politics that served to keep them poor and subdued in their old home states or counties.

Don't get me wrong, even Texas has its share of assholes. I even know a few of them personally. They are guys that only care about looking out for number one, and they don't care whom they crush to stay on top. As an example, 7000 delegates to the recent Texas State GOP Convention overwhelmingly voted to endorse Repairative Therapy for gay men. They might as well have voted to cut off their dicks and their balls. It would be the same type of thinking. The American Psychiatric Association has not endorsed Repairative Therapy in years and no reputable therapist has used it for an even longer period. Who are these 7000 ignorant assholes. Well, for the most part they are members of the radical Christian Right Wing who actually know nothing about Christianity and don't want to know anything about science. Their idea of God is an all powerful being who just happens to hate homosexuals just as they do. But I digress (as I often do).

The world will always have those who choose to not bind themselves by morality. The rest of us simply have to carry on as best we can. Oh, don't get the idea that I'm saying one has to be a Christian to be moral. These days, some of the most immoral people I know call themselves Christians. As a young child, a Sunday School Teacher once told us that only Christians could be moral. Even as a young kid, I thought he was some kind of troglodyte.

So, the immoral, like the poor, will always be with us. How do we as bisexuals keep our membership in the moral humans club in good standing? To begin with, we don't allow our problems to become problems for those we love.

A young man I know recently came home to his wife and infant son and told her he didn't want to be married anymore. He didn't want the hassle and he didn't want the responsibility! More than likely to his great surprise, she said, "OK".

All of this is actually connected, I promise.

Recently, national news sources reported that for the first time in our history as a nation, female college students and female college grads outnumber males. What the shit is going on in this country?

According to a recent report by the Pew Research Center, 36% of young people ages 18 to 30 are still living with their parents. Forty percent of these are young men while only 32% are young women. Again the question, "What the shit is going on in this country?"

I think the fact is that more and more men are simply choosing to become Peter Pans. They prefer to remain boys rather than grow into men with with responsibilities! To be sure, a huge number of these young men had help in becoming irresponsibile idiots. They had the help of their mothers who gave birth to them as a single parent with no responsible man in her life. On top of that they had help from their baby daddies who didn't give a damn about them and never even tried to help raise them into men. In my younger, more liberal days, I use to rail against the idea that a child needed both a committed and involved mother and the same type of father. I was wrong. A mother's job is to love her children unconditionally and express that love to them often. A father's job is to kick their asses and assure them the world doesn't give a damn about them. To succeed in this world takes never ending amounts of judgment, brains and courage.

I never was a hippy, but I was part of that generation. The hippy culture has never gone away. It just got older. The kids that smoked dope and dropped out are now the old farts who are still smoking. Many of these guys were either physically or emotionally absent from their sons in their formative years. It shows.

If there is any good news, and I believce there is, it is that many young people have seen enough of the kind of parents they were raised by. They are determined to be a different kind of parent to their own kids. Kids these days don't want anything to do with organized religion. They see it as an hypocracy, and they are dead right in too many cases.

The good thing is that doesn't mean they don't have morals. They do have them and they really intend to live by them. They just might end up being the salvation of this country and the American way of life.

My wife and I were actually surprised at our recent 50th class anniversary how many couples had stayed together over the almost 50 years. We all married young, but we were all brought up in conservative rural Texas. Those moderate conservative values have seen us through a lot of tough times.

Ok, Ok, I know your screaming at this point. How does all this relate to a new moral philosaphy for bisexual men. Well, actually it's pretty simple. Moral heterosexual men have always had to make a choice in their adult lives. Just because they married, often young in decades past, did not mean they went blind. They still reacted viscerally to the sight of a pretty woman, but they made the choice to enjoy the scenery without trying to possess it.

I think the time has come that bisexual men must take the same stand. Fifty years ago it would have

been much more difficult, but today it can actually be pretty easy. Young people are marrying at a much later age now than in decades past. They date much longer. They are exposed to a huge number of people. Homosexuality is a won battle. Not many people these days care who one is sleeping with, male or female.

I think a young male who thinks he might be gay or bisexual has a moral obligation to find out before he commits himself to another person in his life. I've never believed that sex should be something between two married adults. Sex is much too important in a relationship to leave to chance. Responsible mutual exploration, to me, is a must whether it be between two males or a male and a female.

Only when one decides, "I may be bisexual, but traditional marriage is what I want for my lifetime," or conversely, decides, "I'm bisexual and I can relate well to either sex, but a commitment to another male is what I want for my lifetime, should he submit to a long term relationship.

Like moral heterosexuals for generations, he won't be giving up his appreciation of his brand of sex. He'll just tried it all and arrived at what meets his needs the best.

Over the years, I had same sex relations with a bunch of guys. It eventually dawned on me that never once had I found a guy who rivaled the woman I had at home in any way. She out classed them all. I'm a bisexual man, but I know without a doubt that my wife was the life mate for me.

Jack Scott

A Comment on "What I've Learned Along the Way"

A follower of this blog who writes me on a regular basis sent me a long comment on my blog piece, "What I've Learned Along the Way." He was afraid it was too long to publish in the comment section. I told him I would post it for him.

His story fits well in the context of "What I've Learned Along the Way." He has had, as many of us do, some very difficult decisions to make in his life. He has tried his best to make those decisions based on what is best for him and his family. The results have not been entirely satisfying to him, but neither have they been altogether bad. Many of you will most likely recognize yourselves in his comment.

Hey Jack,

I just read your latest blog post.  Interesting to me, because I fall into the category of folks you described, the ones who choose to stay married and monogamous.

Lately, I have been very frustrated on many fronts.  My life just didn't seem to work out like I wanted.  

My marriage is mediocre.  Our sex life has dwindled to nothing (literally, have not had sex since January [last year], and last year was a nearly no-sex year too).  

My career is mediocre.  I got a decent education, with a couple of degrees.  I have fumbled in the work world.  I make a decent living, over the six figure mark. But, I have never really felt connected to my work in a way that is satisfying.

Family life is hard. I am thankful to have kids. I think I am a mediocre parent.  I wish for something better for my kids than I seem to be able to provide for them.

I am bisexual.  I was in some sort of denial about that for many years, even though it was as plain as day to me from an early age that when I watched porn it was the hard dicks that got me hard.  I never tried same-sex sex, and always assumed I never would.  But, the same-sex arousal caused me incredible shame and I know it had a serious impact on my life overall.  

But, the truth is, I can't blame my life circumstances on my sexuality.  I have struggled with depression.  I can be pessimistic.  This challenge runs in my family.  This is yet another burden I must bare. 

I was raised by a bipolar dad who was emotionally distant and at times emotionally abusive.  It left me scarred and self loathing.

I am quite introverted.  That has been yet another burden.  

I've done counseling, prayer, introspection.  Somewhere along the way, I finally started sharing the whole truth about myself, including the sexuality issues.  That was a necessary step, for me.  I had to come to grips with the fact that I am not completely straight.  It's hard to put a number to it, on the Kinsey scale, because I never tried same-sex sex. But, I am confident I could enjoy it. Maybe I'm a 2, because I've never bothered to try it. Maybe I'm a 4, because, damn, those porn images are hot. In the end, it doesn't really matter. I dig gay porn and it provides a useful release for me.  But, I like straight sex, and if I had a more engaged partner, I'd enjoy having a lot more of it.  As I have shared with you previously, coming to grips with who I really am sexually was helpful for me.  It was life changing, in that I was able to release the longstanding shame.

But, because the sexuality issue is not my only struggle, coming to grips didn't solve all my problems.  I'm still a work in progress.  I don't know that I'll ever be "happy" in the sense of being free from the trials of my life.  But, I am happier.  And, I am more at ease.  And, I know better who I am.  Or, rather, I can accept it better.  So, I am thankful.

Your blog has been helpful to me, as have your emails.  I enjoy reading what you write. And, I enjoy writing you about my thoughts on what you write.

I don't have a big network of people I can be the "real" me with, but I have a few people now, online friends with whom I can be fully honest with.  Only one is someone I would call a real friend in the truest sense.  But, I would consider you a "friend" in the sense that I have felt a degree of useful support.

I appreciate you sharing my version of bisexuality on your blog. I wonder how many people like me are out there. I think we tend to live quietly, in the closet.  But, I assume (now) that I can't be the only one.  I think part of my struggle to accept myself was that I felt I could not be me if I was gay or bisexual. To me, for years, accepting that I was gay or bisexual would have meant I should be acting gay or bisexual in the real world, not just in my head.  But, having gay sex, especially as a married man with a family, just simply never felt like an option I could or would consider.  I think that would have shattered my world too much for me to recover.  So, I hid from the whole thing, feeling I had no other options.

When I went into the discovery mode, it was not really by some active choice. I hit the lowest period of my life, and I was suffering from crushing depression and anxiety.  I felt that I had to deal with the sexuality issues. I suppose I felt prompted by God to finally deal with it.  That pressure to face it started three years ago.  I was absolutely terrified.  I didn't know what facing it would mean. But, even if my world turned upside down, I had no choice, because I was suffocating and seemingly dying the way things were.

Now, I am past that crushing, terrifying, ominous sense of doom.  

I'm finally able to see and accept who I am, and I know that gay is a word that applies to me to some extent, even if I can't put a percentage to it.  But, tangibly, in my daily life, things have not really changed.  And, for me, I think that is the right choice. It's not because I have a great marriage or a great sex life that I can't give up.  It's because I have a family and a sense of duty and responsibility and loyalty and honor to the people that I live with.  Honestly, I could think of plenty of reasons why living single would be easier, and sexuality is probably lower on the list than you'd think.  But, if I left my family, I know I would not be happy with myself, and I would not be doing what I believe to be the right thing, in my life.

So, I am making the right choice, for me, at this time.  That seems clear to me.

A Reader

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Every decision we make, and even the decisions we do not make affects our lives for better or worse. This reader has tried to make the best choices he can for himself and those he loves. Sometimes that is all one can do, and sometimes it is the right thing to do.

Sometimes, even though we feel like we're not satisfied, we are where we are supposed to be. For instance, I'm always talking about how blessed I am, and how happy I am. That does not mean everything is just as I want it to be. I rather not have my cancer to deal with. I'd like to be a billionaire. But I'll never be a billionaire, and my cancer will kill me at some point. I basically have the choice to cry and complain about these problems or choose to ignore my wishes and appreciate the good things I do have in my life. Sometimes we cannot control what problems we encounter in life, but we can always control how we react to them.

I appreciate those of you who have commented on "What I've Learned Along the Way." One reader noted that he enjoyed the blog although he didn't agree with all that I had written. He is right on target. If I write about scientific fact such as, the sun rises in the east every morning, no one who is sane can refute that. But I rarely write about scientific facts. I usually write about social and cultural controversies, and my opinion concerning them. Wheather its my opinion or anyone else's opinion, there is always room for disagreement. I'd like to hear from those of you who have not commented on the blog yet. Part Two will be posted soon.

Hope all of you have been able to survive the record cold across the U.S. in the past few days.

Jack Scott

Tony and Jason Wed

From time to time I repost blog pieces here in my blog from other blogs of note such as the Huffington Post or from non-professional blogs much like my own.

As those of you who are regular readers know, last summer my wife and I attended a wedding in Europe. It was a great occasion and we enjoyed it very much. The Groom had been a very good friend of mine for several years. The other Groom, we had never met, but much as I suspected would be the case, he quickly came to be a friend too.

You see, this European wedding was my wife and my first gay wedding. Though gay weddings are a relatively new type of ceremony, I thought it appropriate that this particular wedding took place in one of the old grand estate homes that dot the European landscape. The home was beautiful, filled with period furniture and decor. The grounds were marvelous consisting of informal flower gardens, formal lawns and areas wooded by centuries old trees all overlooking the sea. It seemed a fitting juxtaposition of a symbol of an old bygone era and of a new era of growing social support for same sex marriage.

But what most impressed me was the friends and family that attended the ceremony on behalf of both men. These two men, were surrounded by friends and family that were all straight and most of them were married. It was as if it were a normal wedding in all regards. There was wine, food, flowers, laughter, tears and celebration for the better part of two days. It all seemed so normal.

I couldn't help but think how impertinent (as well as utterly false) it is that so called Christians contend they reject marriage between couples of the same sex because it does harm to traditional marriage between a man and a woman. I know  not one of the many married couples at this particular ceremony felt that way. I might point out that many of them were Catholic in this historically Catholic country. My wife and I are active in our Protestant church as well, and we felt honored to be at this ceremony in which the love of two people was formally recognized by the state.

The following video was posted recently in the Huffington Post. The video speaks for itself very well. Rather than a country venue, this couple chose the epicenter of urbanity, The Plaza Hotel  at 59 Street and 5th Avenue in Manhattan. Other than that, everything is much the same as the wedding of our gay friends in Europe. What is portrayed will hopefully soon just be thought of as nothing more than just another wedding between two people very much in love. I for one think God will be pleased with the coming of that day. I know it will be a good day for all the people of the world.

I hope you enjoyed this video. If you have not yet had the privilege of attending such an event, I hope that changes soon.

Jack Scott

Two Related to Phelps Opt to Quit Westboro

The following article was originally published in the Kansas City Star. On February 8, 2013 it was republished in the Houston Chronicle.

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Two granddaughters of Westboro Baptist Church firebrand Fred Phelps have split with the Topeka, Kan.-based congregation, indicating their views have evolved and they now regret the pain they have caused others. 

Phelps and member of his crazed flock

One of them, 27-year old Megan Phelps-Roper, had been a highly visible member of the church who spoke to media outlets and spread its message via Twitter. 

She and a younger sister, Grace Phelps-Roper, in November left the congregation known for its anti-gay stance and for picketing funerals of fallen soldiers and others. 

"We ripped the BandAid off," Megan wrote in a text Wednesday to the Kansas City Star. 

A statement signed by both sisters and posted on social media Wednesday said the two were trying to figure out their future. 

"We know that we've done and said things that hurt people," the statement said. "Inflicting pain on others wasn't the goal, but it was one of the outcomes. We wish it weren't so and regret that hurt." 

Steve Drain, a spokesman for the church, said in an interview Wednesday that the sisters had rejected the Lord. 

"Those two girls were kind of straddling the idea that they wanted to be of the world but that they would also miss their family, the only thing they ever knew," Drain said. "If they continue with the position that they have, those two girls, yeah, they're going to hell." 

Megan and Grace are among 11 children of Brent and Shirley Roper, who is the daughter of Westboro pastor Fred Phelps. 

Libby Phelps Alvarez, who left Westboro in 2009 after becoming disenchanted with some of its radical beliefs, told the Star on Wednesday that Megan and Grace had been staying at the Lawrence, Kan., home she shares with her husband.

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In a recent blog I stated that while I have always known homosexuality would one day be recognized for what it is, a normal variation of human sexual behavior, even I have been very much surprised at the rate in which change is occurring. In todays Houston Chronicle, there appeared an article noting that the Illinois Senate had passed a bill to allow same sex marriage in Illinois. The bill now proceeds to the Illinois House where it is expected to pass in the chamber controlled by Democrats. Illinois will become the 10th state in which same sex marriage is now guaranteed by law. If my math is right, that means that a full 20% of the 50 states now support same sex marriages or civil unions. That is significant change from just a lustrum ago.

The article reprinted above is also significant for the change in people's hearts and minds concerning homosexuality and same sex marriage. It is easy to read the article and miss the full weight of its importance, especially if one is only tangentially aware of "the reverend" Fred Phelps and his family based cult, Westboro Baptist Church. Megan and Grace are individuals who have been brainwashed to hate homosexuals (and most of the rest of the people of the world) since the day they were born. Their whole lives have have been marked by emotional abuse and threats of eternal Hell should they disobey the rules their grandfather lays down in the name of God. Anyone who has had the experience of going against the will of his or her parents knows what a significant step that is in one's life. Suppose you had been taught all your life that your grandfather spoke for God and to disobey him meant you would live out eternity in a lake of fire!

Phelps is one of the preachers I've talked about before who has no formal education in theology. He simply self-appointed himself as the one true spokesman for God and formed a church to prey on the spiritually ignorant and the emotionally and mentally unstable. While the church attracts a few outsiders, it remains mostly an institution of Phelps' extended family.

To me the fact that Megan and Grace found the courage to leave not only their church, but their family, and in their family's eyes, God Himself, is a very good indicator of the magnitude of change in attitude that is sweeping the country concerning gay men and women.

Megan and Grace have the benefit of being taken in by Libby Phelps Alvarez who left the church in 2009. Mrs. Alvarez seems to have come a long way in shaking off the life-long abuse she endured at the hands of the family, though I'm sure her demons will continue to plague her to some extent. She appeared on the Anderson Cooper show on February 13, 2013 with the family of Sterling Wyatt who died in July, 2012 in Kandahar. Undoubtedly, it took a great deal of courage for Alvarez to come face to face with the Wyatt family, but she did it with grace and obvious contrition. Mrs. Wyatt was gracious to Alvarez though some papers reported otherwise. The video of the Anderson Cooper Show clearly shows Mrs. Wyatt commending Alvarez for her courage in leaving the church. That Alvarez was able to carry this meeting off is a big indication that she is progressing in shaking off the years of brainwashing. Hopefully, she can help Megan and Grace to do the same.

A clip from the Anderson Cooper Show and the meeting of Libby Phelps Alvarez and the Wyatt family was recently posted on the internet. You may see the clip by clicking on the URL at the beginning of this paragraph.

It has been said with friends like his, God doesn't need enemies. I think Westboro Baptist Church and the Fred Phelps family prove this point completely. As a person of faith, I am pleased to see the empire of Fred Phelps begin to crack and move nearer to its ultimate fall. But also as a person of faith, I continue to regret that Phelps and other less malicious though just as spiritually misinformed Christians continue to do great damage to the universal Christian church by being judgmental, unforgiving, self-righteous and narrow minded. Too many Christians see themselves as Saints. None of them are. They are all sinners just like everyone else in the world. As Christians, they are supposed to differ from the other people in the world in recognizing that no one can earn salvation; and therefore, earning it is not required. It is a gift freely given for all people. It is a gift which springs from the love of God for all creation. But like Phelps, too many Christians spend more time preaching and professing hate and rejection of others than they do preaching and professing love and acceptance. In doing so they are destroying the church.

To me, that is regrettable. Many non-believers see religion as a crutch for those who cannot accept that we are alone in the universe and there is no God to help us. Perhaps that is true. Perhaps not. Either way the observation is a matter of faith. It cannot be proven either way. Even as a person of faith, I often have my own doubts about the existence of God. If he does exist, he is nothing like the average Christian perceives him to be; and the Kingdom of God is as mistakenly perceived today as it was by the Jews over 2000 years ago.

But to me, it seems mankind does better when he believes in something bigger than himself. Much of the deterioration of society that we are all witnessing today is the result of too many people who do not believe in anything or anyone that is bigger and more important than themselves. Such viewpoints are destroying law and order, honesty and integrity, as well as religion. That is a shame. It is also very dangerous for all of us. As society deteriorates, as each of us begin to see our wants and our wishes as supreme over everyone else's wants, wishes, hopes and dreams of the future, incidents like that at Sandy Nook School and other barbarous crimes against even the most innocent among us begin to proliferate.

Certainly, one does not have to be a Christian to see the Ten Commandments as applying to all mankind, not just Christians. But as Christianity comes to be seen as a foolish anachronism supported only by small minded zealots, everything that is derived from it begins to be seen the same way including our civil laws which are based in large part on Judio-Christian values.

Currently, there are large and growing segments of our society that value nothing beyond their own pleasure and their own wants. If society is to continue to endure, that must change. People like Megan and Grace, who are still willing to risk everything they have ever known, give me hope.

Jack Scott

Evangelicals Try New Tack Towards Gays

The following article appeared in the February 3, 2013 issue of the Houston Chronicle. I have been contending for years that Evangelical and Fundamental Christians are, in effect, committing suicide by refusing to understand their short sighted approach to Christianity is driving people away from the church at large rather than drawing them too it.

In this case, I don't really take any pleasure in saying, "I told you so," but it is always encouraging to have one's insights validated by others.

Frankly, I have known for some time that the status of gay people was going to change in the United States. What I initially failed to understand was just how quickly this change was going to take hold. I came to understand it when a Christian friend told me of her experience with her favorite grandson. The two had always been very close. She loved all of her grandchildren, but there was no doubt this child was her favorite. He was smart, handsome and gifted. When he came out to his family as gay, there was shock and dismay. But his grandmother, a devoted Christian, was also smart and capable of critical thinking too. Because of her love for this young man, she quickly came to the rationalization that nothing had changed except that she now knew about his homosexuality which had always been a part of him for as long as she had loved him. She refused to let her knowledge of the truth destroy the love she had for him or the way she treated him.

As the number of gay men and women coming out of the closet reached critical mass, there is no extended family in the United States that his not been affected. Most have ultimately reacted just as my friend did and come to acceptance and support of their young family member.

Our institutions, including our churches have faced the same decisions. Evangelical and Fundamental Churches faced with a growing number of their own young members coming out have had to face the fact that homosexuality has nothing to do with how one is raised or whether or not one is a Christian. Instead it is a much more complex and convoluted thing. Evangelicals and Fundamentalists are not noted for their reasoning ability or they wouldn't be Evangelicals and Fundamentalists but even with their limited willingness to reason, when faced with a growing issue from within their own ranks, they have reluctantly begun to realize that the issue must be addressed in new ways. That is what the following article is about.

I hope you read it with a new sense of optimism and hope for the future.

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ASSOCIATED PRESS
NASHVILLE, TENN. The Rev. Robert Jeffress has changed the way he talks about homosexuality from the pulpit.

The pastor of the 11,000-member First Baptist Dallas hasn't stopped preaching that homosexual sex is sinful, but he no longer singles it out for special condemnation. Now, Jeffress says he usually talks about homosexuality within "a bigger context of God's plan for sex between one man and one woman in a lifetime relationship called marriage."

"It would be the height of hypocrisy to condemn homosexuality and not adultery or unbiblica1 divorce," he said, explaining that the Bible-allows divorce only in cases of adultery or desertion. He also includes premarital sex on that list.

A new generation
The pressure to change the way homosexuality is addressed in evangelical churches is increasing as mainstream support for gay and lesbian issues increases. This support is especially strong among young adults, and researchers say they don't expect this group to become mote conservative on the issue as they age.

In a 2011 survey by the nonprofit Public Religion Research Institute, 62 percent of adults between 18 and 29 years old said they supported gay marriage and 71percent supported civil unions. Among adults 65 and older, those numbers were 31 percent in favor of marriage and 51 percent for civil unions.

Asked about the idea that "religious groups are alienating young people by being too judgmental about gay and lesbian issues, 69 percent of the younger group agreed.

Another-recent poll 'by the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life found that nearly 20 percent of adult Americans now describe themselves as unaffiliated with any specific religion, and the problem for evangelical churches is apparent.

"Evangelicals have been sobered by studies that show people are dropping out of church in droves," said Bill Leonard, dean of Wake Forest University Divinity School; That has affected how they relate to marginalized people, including gays and lesbians,

"I'm amazed at the changes, the softening of the rhetoric to be more compassionate," Leonard said. "There's a realization that the idea of 'love the sinner, hate the sin' comes across as pretty cold."

Demographics isn't the only force driving changes in the evangelical response to gays' and lesbians. As it becomes safer for gays and lesbians to come out of the closet, it becomes increasingly more likely that evangelicals know gays and lesbians personally, researchers say.'

Meeting in the middle
"Over the last five to 10 years, evangelicals have been faced with the issue even more poignantly as their sons and daughters come out of the closet," Leonard said. " ... It has become more difficult to dismiss 'those people.'''

Justin Lee, founder of the Gay Christian Network, is one of those Children.

Like most evangelicals, Lee grew up believing the Bible was to be taken at face value but, in wrestling with the realization that he was gay, found a more nuanced way to read Scripture. Now, he works to foster understanding of gays within evangelical institutions.

"I do hear from church leaders and pastors, who say, 'I already know where I stand, but how can I be more loving and gracious to the gay community without compromising my convictions?'" Lee said. "There are a lot of things I say, but chief among them is that the the more you listen to the people and ask about their lives and stories, the more you are able to show grace and love, even if you don’t agree."

Jeffress, who has gay and lesbian members in his church tries to be compassionate. He said he is open to the possibility that sexual orientation has a genetic basis that cannot be cured or prayed away.

"I think we were too quick to dismiss the possibility of a genetic predisposition," Jeffress said.

But that hasn't altered his belief the Bible teaches that acting on homosexual desire is sinful, and he feels it is his responsibility to talk about it with his congregation.

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As one Christian to another, I have a suggestion for Jeffress and other Evangelicals about how they can be more understanding of and compassionate to gay people. All they need to do is read their own Bibles and apply fully what they read there.

A good place to start is Romans 8:31-37

31 ...If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 Certainly not God, who did not even keep back his own Son, but offered him for us all! He gave us his Son — will he not also freely give us all things? 33 Who will accuse God's chosen people? God himself declares them not guilty! 34 Who, then, will condemn them? Not Christ Jesus, who died, or rather, who was raised to life and is at the right-hand side of God, pleading with him for us! 35 Who, then, can separate us from the love of Christ? Can trouble do it, or hardship or persecution or hunger or poverty or danger or death? 36 As the scripture says, “For your sake we are in danger of death at all times; we are treated like sheep that are going to be slaughtered.”
37 No, in all these things we have complete victory through him who loved us! 38 For I am certain that nothing can separate us from his love: neither death nor life, neither angels nor other heavenly rulers or powers, neither the present nor the future, 39 neither the world above nor the world below — there is nothing in all creation that will ever be able to separate us from the love of God which is ours through Christ Jesus our Lord.

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The Bible is not easy to read and harder still to understand, but there are places where the nature of God is imparted in a straight forward and unambiguous way. The verses from Romans above are one of those places. My contention has always been that if one knows and understand nothing about the Bible other than this one set of verses, he knows enough.

The verses are about the amazing power of God's grace and love for us. A love so strong that nothing can defeat it or change it. Unfortunately, Evangelicals and Fundamentalists spend most of their time attaching conditions to God's grace, a sort of "grace, but……." message. Reread the verses above. There are no conditions and no buts. All Mr. Jeffress and others have to do to treat homosexuals and all others who supposedly offend God with compassion and understanding is to treat them as people loved and valued by God.


Jack Scott

People Are Funny

I guess one reason I write this blog is because people are so interesting to me. That's probably one of the reasons my wife's and my marriage has been so successful, she also has a real interest in observing and helping people.

I considered following her lead and becoming a Psychotherapist myself; but the truth is I don't have the patience for it. I don't have the patience to put in the long years of education and internship to get a license, and I don't have the patience to slowly lead people into recognizing for themselves why their lives are a mess. I'd rather just tell them why their lives are a mess and kick them in the ass to get them started in a new direction that will put their lives in order.

A Psychotherapist can't do that. He/she has to gently guide patients to identify and choose the right path for themselves. As a blogger, I don't have such limitations. I can and do get pretty blunt in telling people who are unhappy with their lives what they can do to put things right.

I've known my friend Bill Woods for 6 - 7 years. When we met, Bill was a very unhappy man; and unfortunately, he was resigned to being unhappy. He actually planned to spend the rest of his life as an unhappily married homosexual man.

Last August, my wife and I attended his marriage ceremony to his partner John. It was a wonderful ceremony. John is a great guy. He and Bill complement each other's personalities well. John is one of those guys who no one would ever identify as gay. He lives in a small European village where everyone knows he's gay because he chooses for them to know, and the force of his personality makes it a non-issue. Everyone sees him as a friend and neighbor.

Bill is more reserved, but just being with John brings out his wonderful personality and allows him to contribute his own valuable attributes and personality to interactions with John's friends. John's friends are a friendly, rowdy bunch; and they get a lot of fun out of teasing the American. Bill enjoys the hazing.

However, he is quick to say that even now, in the midst of the happiness he never expected, he is still trying to dig my Texas boot out of his ass. I planted it there over and over again throughout the time I've known him. I never tried to take the easy route with Bill. He needed to be pushed and he responded well to being pushed. Now,  he's enjoying the rewards that come from being willing to respond to the push and work for a new life.

Bill is one of the lucky ones. Unfortunately, the majority of people I meet will admit they are not happy. They say they want to start a new life. But the reality is they are not willing to do the work, and they are not willing to make the necessary changes from what has become the norm for them. The reality is, they, like most Americans these days, are risk averse. It is a National epidemic! It is so deeply intrenched in our National psyche that one of the recent presidential candidates actually said in his campaign speeches that people had to vote for him because if they didn't, who was going to take care of them? I was utterly appalled at that line; and I know that my father was spinning in his grave, for he spent a good 18 years of his life pounding into me the understanding that no one was going to take care of me. I had to take care of myself. My father was a Texan who wore boots too. Figuratively speaking, that boot was inserted up my ass many times. His belt across my butt was not figurative at all. It was sometimes a reality.

I didn't much care for my Dad as a kid. Now, I know it is because of him that I am who I am. Most of what I have accomplished in life, I owe to him and my Mom. They made me the realist I am. It is not often easy being a realist in an idealistic world. And part of being an enlightened realist is understanding that the world needs idealists. It is the idealists who dream of how things could be better. But it is always the realists who filter through those idealistic dreams and decide which ones can and should become reality. Trouble comes when we have a deficit of realists and a glut of idealists. Anyone can dream dreams. It takes some real talents to change dreams into reality. In today's America, we definitely have a glut of idealists and idealism and a huge shortage of realists and real solutions to our many problems. The PC (politically correct) Americans hold the reigns of power currently and the country and the world is the worse for that.

I'm a big fan of Country Music. I like it because Country Music is all about the philosophy of life and human relationships. The men and women who write Country Music are adept at shining light on the realities of life. The following song is currently playing on Country stations. It really illustrates a facet of what I'm talking about.

Drinking beer can be lots of fun; but as a lifestyle or a career choice, it's not likely to benefit ones self or anyone else. Yet, people make equivical choices all the time. They take the easy way out. They avoid the more difficult options even though the more difficult options are much more apt to bring greater rewards. People are so funny in that way.

And its the same for bisexual guys and gay guys who are unhappy in their marriages. Even though they are unhappy, the easiest route for them is to stick with the devil they know rather than risk the devil they don't know. People are just funny that way. My best friend is one of the worst I've ever seen. We've been friends half our lives; but where I'm always ready to embrace change for a possible pay-off, he'll do anything possible to avoid change, no matter how great the odds are for a pay-off.

I think a lot of married guys fail to realize that if they are unhappy in their marriage the reality is that their wives are unhappy too. In reality he would more than likely be doing her a favor to allow her the chance to start over again. More than likely she is sticking it out because she is risk averse too.

I look back on my life and wonder that I ever grew up. Risk was a part of my daily life. The country side around me was dotted with pump jacks and rod lines as well as the generator stations which made them all work. Riding pump jacks, walking rod lines and sneaking into the generator stations was an almost daily thing for us. If we couldn't get into anything close to home we'd jump on our horses and ride down to the river or some other inviting nuisance (dangerous but appealing thing) that is always so magmetic to young boys.

We didn't wear seat belts in the car. We didn't wear bike helmets. We didn't wear knee pads or any other protective gear. Did we get hurt? Of course! I almost cut off my left hand in one escapade. My brother did manage to scalp himself in another. Broken arms and legs and noses were common place, but that was expected from active boys. Most of us survived.

I feel sorry for my grandson. He's not allowed off his street at an age when I was roaming for miles and miles when I was a kid. Yes there is great risk, but there is also often great reward for a boy in taking risks. True, sometimes the risk wins out and he faces the consequences. But I'm afraid we are teaching many of our young kids that risk is to be avoided at all costs. These risk averse kids grow up to risk averse adults. It is changing what it means to be an American. American exists because our forefathers risked everything they had including their lives and their fortunes for the betterment of the country.

Many of the things which have made my life so successful came to me at great risk. Without the risk, I would not be who I am or where I am today. Even now, years later, looking back some of the risks I took scares the shit out of me. Truth be told they scare me now more than they did at the time because I'm older and wiser and better appreciate the potential loss in the risk.

However, as an older man in the final chapter of life, I also know that we only have this one life and to live it unhappily when happiness could be won is tragic. Happiness is such a grand thing. Happiness is something every person should know in his or her life, but happiness will never come without risk. In fact few good things come without risk.

Increasingly, we live in a country divided into two classes, the haves and the have nots. The have nots increasingly resent those who have. They often feel life is cheating them out of the good things of life which should be theirs. They fail to recognize that the people who "have it all or a great part of it" faced great risk to gain what they have. They fail to realize that success can never be granted. It always has to be achieved and the achieving comes with risk.

So it is for those  of us who are gay or bisexual and married. There is no easy road for us. There is only a risky road. I would never flat out tell a guy that he had to out himself to his family and start over. That has to be a very personal decision. What I do tell guys all the time is that happiness will never come without risk. Each guy has to carefully calculate the risk for himself and know when to take on the risk. And risk does not usually demand only one course of action. I know guys who came to realize they needed out of their marriages. I know more guys like myself who felt they just needed some time for themselves within their successful marriages. I know of several other paths involving risk that have worked for other guys. I know of no one who has found fulfillment in their lives without risk.

But people are funny. Sometimes they miscalculate the risk on purpose as an excuse to stand still. I talk to guys all the time who are not particularly religious. They smoke, get drunk, lie, cheat on their taxes, break the speed limit when they drive and get into other vices which are are sins in the eyes of the church. Yet when it comes to acting on their bisexuality, they suddenly are staunchly religious. That makes no sense from a practical standpoint and it is  a perversion of Protestant Christian religious dogma which holds that all sin is equal, not some great and some small.

The funny thing is that society is funny too. A great American recently admitted to an affair. He put himself out before the people for judgement. The funny thing is, most of the people judging him have more than likely had their own unadmitted affairs. In many parts of the world mistresses and affairs are a part of life, always have been, always will be.

In America, realists like myself know the same is true here. The idealist know it too, they just don't admit it. It's such a funny thing.

The only thing I'm saying here is that life is too short for chronic misery. Figure out what will make you happy and go for it. You'll face some risk. You may even face a bit of added misery, but in the end you at least have a chance at grabbing the brass ring. Many who have tried have succeeded. Not a single one who hasn't tried has ever succeeded in grabbing that brass ring.

Jack Scott

The Religious Value of Love

The following post originally appeared in the Huffington Post on March 12, 2012. Of course few people actually believe in the story of Adam and Eve as an actual historical event, but even those who do should find this post informative if they read it with an open mind.

The story of Adam and Eve makes it clear that Eve was created as a helper and companion to Adam in his loneliness. The story in the Bible also makes clear that God tried other things to help with Adam's loneliness before coming up with Eve.

Is it so hard to imagine that somewhere not too far down the line one or more of the descendants of Adam and Eve found the only thing that could assuage his loneliness was another man to be his confidant and helper? I think not.

No matter how often the right wing Christians state that God made marriage for one man and one woman, it simply will never reconcile with the reality that the Bible does not back up this personal opinion. That some Christians would have it so, does not make it so.

Homosexuality and Bisexuality are natural. They are natural in the animal kingdom and natural in the human experience. That is just a fact.

the Story of Adam and Eve Is Right and Kirk Cameron Is Wrong: The Religious Value of Love

by Jay Michaelson

"It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve."

We've all heard the cliché, and we all know its meaning: that "male" and "female" are at the heart of God's plan for the world, and that heterosexuality is the only "natural" sexuality. Kirk Cameron, the former child TV star, made this point just a few days ago: that homosexuality is unnatural.

We know, too, that this is not a scientific claim. Actually, homosexuality is quite "natural"; it's present in hundreds of animal species and in every culture in the world. Sexual diversity is the rule, not the exception -- the plan, not the deviation.

But there is that myth, that story, of Adam and Eve. No matter the scientific evidence, no matter the countless lives of happy, healthy LGBT people, there's that story, that binary, and that claim.

Well, I'd like to take that story back -- to reclaim it for all of us, not just those of us who find love in heterosexual, monogamous life.

First, let's set aside the parts about God, the Bible, the whole theological aspect of this myth. Let's treat it just as literature -- as a text, sacred to many, but first and foremost a story of human origins and human purpose. All of us -- religious, atheist, agnostic, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, progressive, fundamentalist -- should be able to agree on that.

And in that myth, the pairing of Adam and Eve was the solution to a problem. In the more detailed version of the Genesis story, they don't just appear on the stage; human coupling is the result of divine fidgeting. God creates the human being, but then has to tinker with the original plan, because of the first flaw God finds with all of God's creation: loneliness.

"It is not good for the human being to be alone," God says in Genesis 2:18. In context, this is a shocking pronouncement. Six times, God had remarked how good everything is: light, Heaven and Earth, stars, plants, animals -- all of these are "good." The entirety of creation is "very good." Yet suddenly something is not good. Suddenly, God realizes there is something within the world as we find it that is insufficient, something that all of us experience in our own lives and that we all strive to transcend: the existential condition of being alone.

Notice, too, that Eve is not the first solution God attempts to deal with the problem of Adam's aloneness. God first presents Adam with every animal in the world -- birds, beasts, even those animals that would later become domesticated by people. But none suffices. Only then does the story of Genesis 2 tell us that God took the rib from man to make woman. Only human companionship solves the existential problem of aloneness, the first problem our religious traditions set out to address. And, finally, notice that Eve is not created, in this narrative, to make children with Adam; this story is about loneliness and love, not procreation and progeny. Indeed, Eve's femininity is not even essential to be what Hebrew calls an ezer kenegdo, and what antiquated King James English calls a "help-meet": someone able to be with Adam on equal terms and be a companion to him.

In other words, notwithstanding the many problems with this particular myth (it's been used not just against gays, of course, but primarily against women, by those who read it as setting up a gender hierarchy), this is a tale about the importance of human love and companionship.

Now, for most people, this love is indeed experienced in a relationship between a man and a woman. For about 5 percent of people (we can argue about the numbers; the range is usually 3 to 10 percent), this love is found in a relationship between two men, or between two women. And for some others, love may be found in either kind of relationship, and sexuality may be experienced as fluid.

Personally, I am one of that 5 percent. During my teens and 20s, as I struggled with my sexuality, I had relationships with women and, as much as I was able, fell in love. But something was always "off," even though at the time I couldn't quite identify it. (Maybe I knew, deep down. I don't know.) It took me 10 years of wrestling, cajoling, self-hating, and self-judging, and finally a serious car accident, which shook up my body and soul, to finally admit that if I wanted true love, the kind that the Song of Songs sings about, the kind that the Genesis myth says is so important, well, my Eve would have to be a Steve.

This is about much more than sex; it's about love. And that is the most natural thing in the world.

Now, if we do consider ourselves religious, this point matters, and it influences how we understand our sacred texts and traditions. Surely, a loving God could not want the tyranny of the "closet" -- an all-too-cozy metaphor for what is really a life of deceit, loneliness, and alienation. The Kirk Camerons of the world can still pretend that homosexuality is some kind of choice, pathology, or worse. But I have known both the life of the closet (for 10 years of my adult life) and the life of companionship. I know that my life with my partner is not simply about lust. It is exactly as the Genesis myth describes: a life of sharing, companionship, and love. Sure, for most people, "a man... shall hold fast to his wife." But in some cases, a woman shall hold fast to hers. And in some others, a man shall hold fast to another.

Of course, I know there are other Biblical texts that influence what some people think about homosexuality. In my book God vs. Gay?, I spend a long, long time parsing them out and show that they are obscure and ambiguous, and that they certainly do not contemplate loving, committed relationships. But anyone can interpret Biblical text; that's the easy part. As Shakespeare said, even the devil can cite scripture for his purpose. The hard, and more important, part is deciding which approach to take: one that leads to more love, or one that leads to more aloneness; one that leads to more of the holy, or one that leads to more of the shameful. As I approach these sacred texts, the story of Adam and Eve helps point the way, by reminding me that it is not good to be alone -- and it is very good to find someone with whom to share your life.

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If you are struggling with your homosexuality or bisexuality, you must make a real decision, your own decision about how you want to deal with it. It will not go away. It will not stop demanding resolution.

If you have religious qualms about your sexuality, you would do yourself a favor to remember that God is a God of Love. He is not a God of hate. God accepts you as you are and loves  you as you are, homosexuality and all. Given the chance He will help you do deal with it in a way that will bring you a new understanding of yourself and perhaps even a new understanding of why you were created as a homosexual or bisexual man.

Jack Scott