What I've Learned Along the Way - Part Two

As I said in the first part of this post back in December, "Gay men have won their battle to be accepted into the culture. That is not to say there is no work left to be done, there certainly is, but they won the war."

I went on to say that the same is not true for bisexual men. They have a very long way to go. There

are many reasons for this. Perhaps that is the reason this post was delayed so long, letters and phone calls just kept coming in to give me background input.

A caller said: "bisexual men just don't know what they want." And, he is right. Even a casual look around the bisexual scene will confirm this. To be fair, let's start with what the caller considers should be the definition of a bisexual man. He is a man who knows from experience that he can perform with both men and women and be satisfied performing with both. Gender has little to nothing to do with those he sees as possible  life partners.

A personal friend of mine agrees fully, married for 24 years, his marriage existed on paper, and it produced children, but besides the children, nothing good ever came of the marriage. It was just a 24 year long fight which ended in divorce. After the breakup my friend found his life partner, another male. He said, he loved Charles greatly, but if Charles had been Charlene, he would have loved her just as much.

My friend and the caller agree that to a bisexual man, gender has little or nothing to do with whom they form a long term partnership. When you think about it, this is really a pretty nice thing. The problem though is not many bisexual men subscribe to this way of thinking, or don't subscribe to it soon enough to prevent a lot of pain for themselves and others.

The second, and perhaps the most common confusion that "bisexual" men create for themselves, and

everyone they interact with, are those men who call themselves bisexual simply because they are married to a woman, but enjoy sex with a man. There are two subsets for this kind of man:

1. the man who really loves his wife, but also loves sex with another man, or other men.
2. the man who does not love his wife, but stays married for convenience while he has sex with other men.

There are millions of men in the category. Most of them are in the 40 and above age bracket. They are the ones who cause people to say that bisexual men are self-centered. All too often, they are right. I'm not casting stones at these men, I'm one of them. If there is any difference in me it is that I was so bothered by the experience that I began to do a lot of critical thinking about what should be done about it.

The third way bisexual men stir up trouble for themselves is the clash between the bisexuals who want a monogamous relationship and those who want to use their bisexuality as a license to party hearty, or even engage in regular sexual orgies. Some of these guys say they practice safe sex, but the reality is there is really no way to practice safe sex in a sexual orgy scene. For those who are married, their wives were at that orgy too even though were not physically there.

All of the things that lead to confused thinking about bisexuals, both inside and outside the bisexual ranks, have flaws that do not serve the bisexual man well, and give way to just cause for criticism to those outside the bisexual community.

There is a fourth reason men turn to active bisexuality that has some reasonability about it. In the case of a man whose wife becomes incapacitated, but he is not ready to become celibate. Sex with another man is less binding. Rarely does one man try to sue the other man. Usually, there are no expectations of marriage between two men in such a situation. Of course, this still leaves the other man in such a relationship? That must be a consideration too.

About four years ago a young man contacted me and asked if I would meet with him. We arranged a meeting. At the meeting, I met a very attractive young single man who was so uptight it was beginning to affect every part of his life. At this first meeting and many to follow he only wanted to talk generally and avoid telling me anything that might identify his real name to me. I respected that.

After a while, he began to open up and tell me what concerned him. It boiled down to his feeling he was homosexual. Since he was not married, it didn't seem to be too big a deal to me, but there was a catch: he didn't want to be gay. The thought of being gay was driving him nuts.

He's a very athletic guy (not that athletic guys can't be gay). But just a casual meeting with him would never cause one to walk away thinking: "What a nice gay guy." I told him that. I think it helped, but
not much. He continued to be consumed with this "what if" question.

I told him I thought I could help him find out if he was gay, bisexual or straight, but he had to promise to answer all my questions honestly and completely. He agreed. One of the first questions I asked of him was why he thought he might be gay. He said that he loved to look at pictures of good looking men, and he noticed good looking men he might see in public.

I told him I like art of all kinds. I've spent all day in the National Art Museum of several countries. It doesn't mean I ever expect to own something that would be in there.  I told him also, I like to look at good looking men. Doesn't mean I want to have sex with any of them.

He had previously told me when he was a kid, he was small and had been pushed around by other guys. That had caused him to become a gym rat, so such abuse would not happen. He accomplished his goal. I told him he knows how much work goes into building a body that people would notice. That could be part of his attraction to good looking well built men - an appreciation of the work they have done to sculpt their bodies.

I asked him if he had had sex in college. He said he had a lot of sex in college. I asked if that was with men or women, or both. He said it was always with women. He had never been with a man.
I asked if he enjoyed straight sex. He said that he enjoyed it very much.

We continued to talk for weeks. Our custom was to get something to eat and then just drive around in the car. He still had not told me his real name. One day a strategy came to mind. I was driving and just headed west. We came to one of Houston's many gated neighborhoods. I avoided the guard and approached the gate through the resident's lane. It opened immediately as it would for any resident. All residents have to have an electronic sticker on the windshield to trip the gate. I drove to my house and pointed it out to him and giving him the address. My thought was that now that he knew where I lived, he would soon tell me his address. A few days latter he did. This was important because it showed trust on both sides, and would encourage him to talk openly about his life.

A lot of water has flowed under the bridge between this young man and me in the last four years. He's  one of the most impressive men I have ever met. We've become great friends though we are separated by almost 35 years in age. I give him free access to the store of wisdom I've accumulated during seven decades on this earth. He gives me a measure of confidence that when I'm dead and gone, the world will still be in good hands because of guys like him.

He's married now to an exceptionally beautiful and gentle woman. It seems to me that they could me my wife and I starting over again. Together, they are going to go to places they never dreamed of just as my wife and I have done. "What about his sexuality?" you ask. He's come to realize he is not gay. He's bisexual. We talk a lot about his bisexuality and mine and what he must learn if his life is to be as satisfying and successful as he hopes it to be. What I tell him is something that I would have once thought ridiculous, but now I think it is the real answer for every bisexual guy for whom morality is important.

As those of you who have read much of my writing know, I am a Christian. As a Christian, the moral complications of bisexuality have always been a grave concern for me. How could I be both bisexual and a Christian? There are actually several parts to the answer of that question, that I came to understand well in my personal struggle. But the one thing that always continued to nag me was the fact that I was cheating on my wife who trusted me not to do such a thing.

The problem, of course, is that morality is not important at all for a staggering number of men all around the world. In India, gangs of men are roaming the streets looking for young women whom they can rape and murder. It is a national past time. The same is becoming true in Egypt. Sexual assault against women is open and rampant. After all, boys will be boys!

Throughout the middle east and spreading quickly to other countries around the world women are the property of their husbands. They have no rights other than those he decides they can have. They are kept hidden away behind  the dark burqa or the black abaya and niqãb depending on what part of the Muslim world the reside in.

Houston is one of the most cosmopolitan cities in the United States. Still it did not stop a Muslim father from killing his own daughter recently because by marrying an infidel (a U.S. Citizen who was not Muslim) she had brought dishonor to the family! How anyone much less any group of human beings could have arrived at the point of seeing such a thing as an honorable act is simply beyond my understanding. I know very well that most American Muslims would never do such a thing, but why would any Muslim who would even want to come to the United States?

So, we are all still immersed up to our necks in the human condition. Some of us get it. Some of us never will.

I've always been proud to be a Texan. "Texas", as we say, "is a whole nother country." And it's true. Texas is a state of mind found nowhere else in the world. It's a can do spirit mellowed with a readiness to help a neighbor in a time of need. It's a feeling that "I worked hard for mine, and you should damn well work hard for yours."

No matter what one may think of this Texas Spirit, reality tells the real tale. If Texas was still an independent nation, it would be the 14th largest economy of all the countries of the world. Is it any wonder that Texans worry that the millions of immigrants pouring into Texas may bring with them the old ideas, old feelings and old politics that served to keep them poor and subdued in their old home states or counties.

Don't get me wrong, even Texas has its share of assholes. I even know a few of them personally. They are guys that only care about looking out for number one, and they don't care whom they crush to stay on top. As an example, 7000 delegates to the recent Texas State GOP Convention overwhelmingly voted to endorse Repairative Therapy for gay men. They might as well have voted to cut off their dicks and their balls. It would be the same type of thinking. The American Psychiatric Association has not endorsed Repairative Therapy in years and no reputable therapist has used it for an even longer period. Who are these 7000 ignorant assholes. Well, for the most part they are members of the radical Christian Right Wing who actually know nothing about Christianity and don't want to know anything about science. Their idea of God is an all powerful being who just happens to hate homosexuals just as they do. But I digress (as I often do).

The world will always have those who choose to not bind themselves by morality. The rest of us simply have to carry on as best we can. Oh, don't get the idea that I'm saying one has to be a Christian to be moral. These days, some of the most immoral people I know call themselves Christians. As a young child, a Sunday School Teacher once told us that only Christians could be moral. Even as a young kid, I thought he was some kind of troglodyte.

So, the immoral, like the poor, will always be with us. How do we as bisexuals keep our membership in the moral humans club in good standing? To begin with, we don't allow our problems to become problems for those we love.

A young man I know recently came home to his wife and infant son and told her he didn't want to be married anymore. He didn't want the hassle and he didn't want the responsibility! More than likely to his great surprise, she said, "OK".

All of this is actually connected, I promise.

Recently, national news sources reported that for the first time in our history as a nation, female college students and female college grads outnumber males. What the shit is going on in this country?

According to a recent report by the Pew Research Center, 36% of young people ages 18 to 30 are still living with their parents. Forty percent of these are young men while only 32% are young women. Again the question, "What the shit is going on in this country?"

I think the fact is that more and more men are simply choosing to become Peter Pans. They prefer to remain boys rather than grow into men with with responsibilities! To be sure, a huge number of these young men had help in becoming irresponsibile idiots. They had the help of their mothers who gave birth to them as a single parent with no responsible man in her life. On top of that they had help from their baby daddies who didn't give a damn about them and never even tried to help raise them into men. In my younger, more liberal days, I use to rail against the idea that a child needed both a committed and involved mother and the same type of father. I was wrong. A mother's job is to love her children unconditionally and express that love to them often. A father's job is to kick their asses and assure them the world doesn't give a damn about them. To succeed in this world takes never ending amounts of judgment, brains and courage.

I never was a hippy, but I was part of that generation. The hippy culture has never gone away. It just got older. The kids that smoked dope and dropped out are now the old farts who are still smoking. Many of these guys were either physically or emotionally absent from their sons in their formative years. It shows.

If there is any good news, and I believce there is, it is that many young people have seen enough of the kind of parents they were raised by. They are determined to be a different kind of parent to their own kids. Kids these days don't want anything to do with organized religion. They see it as an hypocracy, and they are dead right in too many cases.

The good thing is that doesn't mean they don't have morals. They do have them and they really intend to live by them. They just might end up being the salvation of this country and the American way of life.

My wife and I were actually surprised at our recent 50th class anniversary how many couples had stayed together over the almost 50 years. We all married young, but we were all brought up in conservative rural Texas. Those moderate conservative values have seen us through a lot of tough times.

Ok, Ok, I know your screaming at this point. How does all this relate to a new moral philosaphy for bisexual men. Well, actually it's pretty simple. Moral heterosexual men have always had to make a choice in their adult lives. Just because they married, often young in decades past, did not mean they went blind. They still reacted viscerally to the sight of a pretty woman, but they made the choice to enjoy the scenery without trying to possess it.

I think the time has come that bisexual men must take the same stand. Fifty years ago it would have

been much more difficult, but today it can actually be pretty easy. Young people are marrying at a much later age now than in decades past. They date much longer. They are exposed to a huge number of people. Homosexuality is a won battle. Not many people these days care who one is sleeping with, male or female.

I think a young male who thinks he might be gay or bisexual has a moral obligation to find out before he commits himself to another person in his life. I've never believed that sex should be something between two married adults. Sex is much too important in a relationship to leave to chance. Responsible mutual exploration, to me, is a must whether it be between two males or a male and a female.

Only when one decides, "I may be bisexual, but traditional marriage is what I want for my lifetime," or conversely, decides, "I'm bisexual and I can relate well to either sex, but a commitment to another male is what I want for my lifetime, should he submit to a long term relationship.

Like moral heterosexuals for generations, he won't be giving up his appreciation of his brand of sex. He'll just tried it all and arrived at what meets his needs the best.

Over the years, I had same sex relations with a bunch of guys. It eventually dawned on me that never once had I found a guy who rivaled the woman I had at home in any way. She out classed them all. I'm a bisexual man, but I know without a doubt that my wife was the life mate for me.

Jack Scott

Progress Note

I promised some friends who contributed to Part Two: "What I've Learned Along The Way" I'd have it out last week. I just couldn't make it happen. Today, I was convinced I could, but there were problems with my Google ID and problems with my password. It took all afternoon to get those straightened out.

However, the time is drawing near when the article will be finished. Keep in mind my good days are limited, and I never know when I wake up in the morning if the day is going to be good or bad. Please spread the word to your friends that the blog will be reactivated soon.

I have intentionally made the blog challenging because that is where I think the truth is to be found in challenges to the old thoughts, ideas and ways. I hope no one who reads it will fill intimidated to support it or say it's trash. I want to hear what you think.

Best wishes.

Jack Scott

A Comment on "What I've Learned Along the Way"

A follower of this blog who writes me on a regular basis sent me a long comment on my blog piece, "What I've Learned Along the Way." He was afraid it was too long to publish in the comment section. I told him I would post it for him.

His story fits well in the context of "What I've Learned Along the Way." He has had, as many of us do, some very difficult decisions to make in his life. He has tried his best to make those decisions based on what is best for him and his family. The results have not been entirely satisfying to him, but neither have they been altogether bad. Many of you will most likely recognize yourselves in his comment.

Hey Jack,

I just read your latest blog post.  Interesting to me, because I fall into the category of folks you described, the ones who choose to stay married and monogamous.

Lately, I have been very frustrated on many fronts.  My life just didn't seem to work out like I wanted.  

My marriage is mediocre.  Our sex life has dwindled to nothing (literally, have not had sex since January [last year], and last year was a nearly no-sex year too).  

My career is mediocre.  I got a decent education, with a couple of degrees.  I have fumbled in the work world.  I make a decent living, over the six figure mark. But, I have never really felt connected to my work in a way that is satisfying.

Family life is hard. I am thankful to have kids. I think I am a mediocre parent.  I wish for something better for my kids than I seem to be able to provide for them.

I am bisexual.  I was in some sort of denial about that for many years, even though it was as plain as day to me from an early age that when I watched porn it was the hard dicks that got me hard.  I never tried same-sex sex, and always assumed I never would.  But, the same-sex arousal caused me incredible shame and I know it had a serious impact on my life overall.  

But, the truth is, I can't blame my life circumstances on my sexuality.  I have struggled with depression.  I can be pessimistic.  This challenge runs in my family.  This is yet another burden I must bare. 

I was raised by a bipolar dad who was emotionally distant and at times emotionally abusive.  It left me scarred and self loathing.

I am quite introverted.  That has been yet another burden.  

I've done counseling, prayer, introspection.  Somewhere along the way, I finally started sharing the whole truth about myself, including the sexuality issues.  That was a necessary step, for me.  I had to come to grips with the fact that I am not completely straight.  It's hard to put a number to it, on the Kinsey scale, because I never tried same-sex sex. But, I am confident I could enjoy it. Maybe I'm a 2, because I've never bothered to try it. Maybe I'm a 4, because, damn, those porn images are hot. In the end, it doesn't really matter. I dig gay porn and it provides a useful release for me.  But, I like straight sex, and if I had a more engaged partner, I'd enjoy having a lot more of it.  As I have shared with you previously, coming to grips with who I really am sexually was helpful for me.  It was life changing, in that I was able to release the longstanding shame.

But, because the sexuality issue is not my only struggle, coming to grips didn't solve all my problems.  I'm still a work in progress.  I don't know that I'll ever be "happy" in the sense of being free from the trials of my life.  But, I am happier.  And, I am more at ease.  And, I know better who I am.  Or, rather, I can accept it better.  So, I am thankful.

Your blog has been helpful to me, as have your emails.  I enjoy reading what you write. And, I enjoy writing you about my thoughts on what you write.

I don't have a big network of people I can be the "real" me with, but I have a few people now, online friends with whom I can be fully honest with.  Only one is someone I would call a real friend in the truest sense.  But, I would consider you a "friend" in the sense that I have felt a degree of useful support.

I appreciate you sharing my version of bisexuality on your blog. I wonder how many people like me are out there. I think we tend to live quietly, in the closet.  But, I assume (now) that I can't be the only one.  I think part of my struggle to accept myself was that I felt I could not be me if I was gay or bisexual. To me, for years, accepting that I was gay or bisexual would have meant I should be acting gay or bisexual in the real world, not just in my head.  But, having gay sex, especially as a married man with a family, just simply never felt like an option I could or would consider.  I think that would have shattered my world too much for me to recover.  So, I hid from the whole thing, feeling I had no other options.

When I went into the discovery mode, it was not really by some active choice. I hit the lowest period of my life, and I was suffering from crushing depression and anxiety.  I felt that I had to deal with the sexuality issues. I suppose I felt prompted by God to finally deal with it.  That pressure to face it started three years ago.  I was absolutely terrified.  I didn't know what facing it would mean. But, even if my world turned upside down, I had no choice, because I was suffocating and seemingly dying the way things were.

Now, I am past that crushing, terrifying, ominous sense of doom.  

I'm finally able to see and accept who I am, and I know that gay is a word that applies to me to some extent, even if I can't put a percentage to it.  But, tangibly, in my daily life, things have not really changed.  And, for me, I think that is the right choice. It's not because I have a great marriage or a great sex life that I can't give up.  It's because I have a family and a sense of duty and responsibility and loyalty and honor to the people that I live with.  Honestly, I could think of plenty of reasons why living single would be easier, and sexuality is probably lower on the list than you'd think.  But, if I left my family, I know I would not be happy with myself, and I would not be doing what I believe to be the right thing, in my life.

So, I am making the right choice, for me, at this time.  That seems clear to me.

A Reader

*************

Every decision we make, and even the decisions we do not make affects our lives for better or worse. This reader has tried to make the best choices he can for himself and those he loves. Sometimes that is all one can do, and sometimes it is the right thing to do.

Sometimes, even though we feel like we're not satisfied, we are where we are supposed to be. For instance, I'm always talking about how blessed I am, and how happy I am. That does not mean everything is just as I want it to be. I rather not have my cancer to deal with. I'd like to be a billionaire. But I'll never be a billionaire, and my cancer will kill me at some point. I basically have the choice to cry and complain about these problems or choose to ignore my wishes and appreciate the good things I do have in my life. Sometimes we cannot control what problems we encounter in life, but we can always control how we react to them.

I appreciate those of you who have commented on "What I've Learned Along the Way." One reader noted that he enjoyed the blog although he didn't agree with all that I had written. He is right on target. If I write about scientific fact such as, the sun rises in the east every morning, no one who is sane can refute that. But I rarely write about scientific facts. I usually write about social and cultural controversies, and my opinion concerning them. Wheather its my opinion or anyone else's opinion, there is always room for disagreement. I'd like to hear from those of you who have not commented on the blog yet. Part Two will be posted soon.

Hope all of you have been able to survive the record cold across the U.S. in the past few days.

Jack Scott

What I've Learned Along the Way - An Interim Observation

Thanks to all of you who have already commented on "What I've Learned Along the Way," Part One. I hope you will continue to comment and that those of you who haven't will do so. This is a subject in which no one's opinion is set in stone. Even the so called experts disagree vehemently. But in my mind those of us who have lived gay or bisexual lives are more likely to grasp bits and pieces of the truth than are the experts.

Those of us who can take the bits and pieces of truth we possess and apply them thoughtfully and realistically to the homosexual and bisexual communities at large can shed a great deal of light on the overall cultural characteristics of the still evolving homosexual and bisexual communities. And because we are all a part of these evolving communities in one way or the other, each of us has an obligation to share our thoughts and feelings.

Anyone who has read my blog for anytime at all knows I believe in destiny. I believe life has a purpose for all of us, and I believe to the extent we are on track to fulfill our purpose in life and our destiny to be a prime contributor to our overall sense of self-worth and happiness.

I gave up on believing in coincidence long ago. It was not something I chose to do. It became

something I was compelled to do, for if coincidence is real, my life has been an almost never ending string of fortuitous coincidences. That is just not possible. It would be the same as going to Vegas and winning every hand one played for years. It's not possible.

Behind everything we might want to see as coincidence, there has to be a guiding power. Otherwise, my life has defied impossible odds. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not some male version of Mother Theresa.  I'm no saint! I've had my share of adversities, wrong turns and doubts. But, along the way, I've had way more than my share of instances of seeming coincidence that simply had to be much more than mere serendipity.

Such a thing has taken place in just the last month. I made up my mind to write this article 6 to 8 weeks ago. My illness and subsequent confinement to an Intensive Care Unit gave me a great deal of time to think about the self-assigned task. I didn't tell anyone about it. I just thought about it. But the most amazing things began to happen. An old friend whom I had not heard from in a long while phoned me he other day. And what did he want to talk about? He wanted to talk about this article. He didn't even know I was writing about it, but he was facing issues in his own life that was leading him to some of the same conclusions I was planning to address in this article. It would have been unnerving had such a thing not long ago become ordinary in my life.

In addition to that call, my young friend here in Houston who had inspired this article over the last three years of our relationship, suddenly wanted to talk about the issue in detail as he was experiencing it in his own life. There were, out of the blue, several other seemingly coincidental incidents which contributed to this article. Every where I turned, I was finding thoughtful pieces of information that were valuable to the task at hand. Such an unrequested outpouring at just the right time cannot be mere coincidence or providence. There has to be a power of some kind behind it, especially when I consider that it happens over and over in my life.

The only down side of all this is that I have much more to consider now than I had planned. That along with my transition to a new therapy for my cancer will delay the planned publication date for the second part of this article for a few more days. During the wait, I hope many of you ( by many, I mean at least 100 of you ) will take the time to read or reread Part One and comment on it. It would make my day. I've never received 100 comments on any post.

Hang in there. Thanks for following my blog. I appreciate you all. Please tell your friends who like thought provoking reading about my blog.

Jack Scott

What I've Learned Along the Way

Prologue

Just before I got sick, I had finished the first part of this two part article. But before I published it, I wanted a good friend whom I trust implicitly for his intelligence, his thirst for knowledge and his ability to introspectively deal with his own bisexuality.

This article is meant to be challenging. I have written it with the hope that it will hit many readers hard enough to cause them to take an introspective and honest look into their own lives as a whole and their sexuality as a part of the whole.

In writing the article, please trust that I am mindful that each of us is different. Our sexuality is influenced by our personalities, our faith, our families and much more. Even identical twins do not always share the same identical sexuality.

In a very real sense, there is no right or wrong way to live ones homosexual or bisexual life so long as one is happy with it and not using or abusing others. That said, there are ways to live it that are likely to be more fulfilling than others. Some guys just never take the time to figure themselves out. Some, including one of my best friends, are just too undisciplined to carry out their own plans and desires for happiness. They are always willing to settle for a lifestyle they neither need or want.

i'd like very much to hear some of your comments about this blog. I know some of you will hate it. That's ok. I know many of you will like what you read as well. I challenge you to put what you've read into action.

***********

What I've Leared Along the Way

It's almost impossible for me to believe, but next May, I'll have been posting this blog for seven years. During that seven years, I've posted 181 blog articles, read over 800 comments (not nearly as many as I'd like) from some of the 400,000 page readers and hosted 400 to 500 readers each day. I would never believed it possible when I posted my first blog piece on May 7, 2007.

Through this blog, it has been my privilege to interact with a great number of men, and help some of them to come to a better understanding of themselves and sometimes to help those who love them to understand them better as well. For some, the solution to their problem was to seek a divorce and begin a new life as a gay or bisexual man. For others, who, for what ever reason, did not consider divorce a possibility, solving their problems was usually much harder. For these men, solutions often revolve around mental and emotional adjustments rather than making a new start.

Helping people to better understand and accept their sexuality was the prime reason I began this blog. One of my greatest pleasures these days is to see the results of the combined efforts of me and another guy who is really willing to find peace of mind. It is truly an awesome thing when his efforts transform him into a new person prepared to live his life to the fullest as a bisexual or homosexual man in a way that works for him.

But this blog piece is not about me trying to help others. Instead, it is about how others have

helped me to fill in the gaps in my own understanding of my life as a bisexual man. It is also about what I have learned about bisexuality and homosexuality from those who are collectively closest to such a lifestyle. It has been a most interesting, informative and rewarding journey.

In a way, I think bisexuality is the new homosexuality. I don't mean that to be an offensive statement to homosexual men. It is, in fact, a compliment.

Gay men have fought the good fight. They have faced their antagonists and looked them in the eye without stepping back. They have persevered through decades of battles. They have, at last, for all intents, won the war. All that is left now is the mop up. That will take a while, but that's alright because the mop up will contribute to the new order that has begun. There will be time for thoughtful consideration about how the new order is to be structured. There will be time for consideration of new laws, based not on politics or religion, but on the best interests of America and all its citizens, both gay and straight.

That is a good thing. Progress is already taking place at an unbelievable pace. As the older generation begins their exit from the halls of leadership making way for a new generation of leaders more open mindedly dedicated to equal treatment and equal opportunity for all, regardless of their sexual orientation or religious beliefs, the final chapter in the battle for gay rights will be written and gays will become nothing more than Americans, workers, congressmen, teachers, preachers, and fathers. They will become just one of the many groups of Americans that are known collectively as the common man. That is a wonderful thing, a goal long sought.

And this is not just my vision. It is actually happening, even among those who have resisted the most. A recent newspaper article in the Houston Chronicle reported on problems currently bedeviling professional faculty, staff and students at Baylor University. Everyone in Texas knows Baylor as a conservative Baptist institution. In fact, it has been becoming less and less a Baptist University for years. This year there has been a strong push from students to amend the code of ethics to mitigate the University's long held view that homosexual conduct is sinful and contrary to the teachings of Christ.

As is so often the case when conscientious objectors try to defend what is indefensible, their line of thought blurs or even becomes nonsensical. So it is with the newly proposed code of conduct at Baylor. Wisely, however, the student body is, for the most part, accepting it as a real step forward toward their eventual goal of achieving equal rights and recognition for gay students.

It has been widely reported that college students are making it clear over and over again

they have no problem with homosexuality. In doing so, Baylor students have also made it clear the recalcitrant stance against homosexuality at Baylor lies within the faculty and the leadership, all of whom are thoroughly vetted by the Baptist Church's leadership. The current President of Baylor is Ken Star. Star has impeccable credentials and has done undeniably good things for Baylor. However, he is a very conservative member of the Baptist church. Had he not been, he would never have been asked to lead Baylor. Star does not intend to let Baylor become gay friendly or supportive on his watch. He is a staunch defender of the old guard. Students are just as determined to sustain the fight for as long as it takes. In the long run, my money is on the students.

The same is true for the Baptist church. Young Baptists do not understand the church's disdain for gays. When they read their Bibles, it is clear to them, were Christ on earth today, he would often be found hanging out with gay and lesbian people. They recognize the traditional stance of the Baptist church is clearly outside the teachings of Christ. When the younger generation of Baptists begins to replace the old guard as more and more of the elders are laid to rest, even the Baptist Church will change direction or be laid to rest itself.

With gays becoming accepted members of the group often referred to as the common man, some of the more flamboyant displays of homosexuality' meant to make Americans realize gays are present in everyday life, will begin to disappear. They will no longer fill a need. Gay men already see themselves more and more as husbands or spouses, and in some cases fathers, in legal and/or religious unions. They are ready to become just part of the group of married Americans in a life where their sexuality is one of the least of things important to others, and in a life where they are judged by their character rather than by whom they love.

I've learned bisexuality, and most of those who see themselves as bisexuals are not yet fully ready to take their proper place in society's group known as the common man. Unlike homosexual men who have fought the long fight, mostly united in a common understanding of who they are and what they must win, bisexual men, in large part, have no common understanding of themselves and no realistic goals they wish to achieve. Until that changes, their fight to become a part of the group known as the common man can't even really begin. This is not meant to be an "I'm better than you" statement by any means. It is just a recognition of current reality, my reality included. As a bisexual man in his late 60's who is happily married and happily a part of straight society, I see nothing to gain by my coming out to my family and friends. One might correctly say I could help pave the way for others. It's true, but I feel I'm doing my part in this blog and in other ways that avoid conflict I just don't need at this stage of my life. If that's a cop out, and it may very well be, then I'm guilty."

Another reason I started this blog was because I wanted a vehicle through which I could better understand myself as a bisexual man. In other words, I wanted to be part of a dialogue with other men which would help all of us to better understand ourselves.

It's hard for me to imagine now, but I didn't even know there was such a thing as  bisexual men until I was 30 years old. The fact was, most of my emotional torment and pain arose from my understanding I was not a homosexual man, but neither was I a straight man. Because neither of these two categories fits me and my desires, I came to think of myself as some kind of monster.

But in 1977, the world was on the cusp of a technological revolution. Personal computers were just around the corner. Few realized how quickly they would change our lives. For the first time in history, the combined knowledge of mankind would be at the fingertips of a great number of the world's people. Even more astounding, much of it would be free.

It was the world wide web which really began to open my understanding of bisexuality and thus my understanding of myself. Over the next several years I read everything I could find on bisexuality on the web, as well as, much of what was recommended on the web. But just reading was not enough. I wanted to talk with bisexual men and find out how their lives were unfolding. That led me to the chat rooms that had began to appear on line in the late 1980's and by the 1990's were ubiquitous. For the first time I could talk with real live men who, like me, were struggling to understand themselves. It was a new world. Never before had I had a place where I could talk openly about topics which could not be discussed at all in the real world.

In the 35 or so years following my first steps into the world of chat rooms and open discussions about sex between men, a whole new world has overtaken all of us. Some of us, mostly the young, have enthusiastically embraced this new world. Some of us have been less enthusiastic, but recognize that we must adjust or be left behind in our own society and even in our own network of friends. Those who adamantly refuse to give an inch now often find themselves the outcasts.

This was illustrated recently in a situation which my good friends (a gay couple here in Houston) became members of a group of Houston Texans fans which rotated amongst each other's homes on game day to eat, drink and watch the game. From the first time they were invited after moving into the community, my friends had been surprised at the welcome they received from their older straight neighbors. But the bonds of friendship continued to grow.

As the second season opened this September, a crack suddenly appeared in the group. My friends were absent at a restaurant date where the neighbors gathered to eat and have some fun. One family took advantage of their absence to announce to the group they did not appreciate the acceptance of two gay men into the group. He stated that he and his wife would no longer participate if the gay couple were participating. The conversation quickly became very heated. One member told the complaining couple that he'd rather be associated with a gay couple than a couple of narrow minded homophobes. He ended his  comments by saying if the gay couple was asked to leave, he and his wife would leave also. One by one the other couples sided with him, saying they wished the couple who wanted to leave would reconsider, but they were not going to bar the gay couple from the group. I'm sure the couple who opposed associating with gays were shocked to find they had become the outcasts in the blink of an eye. It is a good example of how  quickly cosmopolitan society has changed.

I certainly was glad my friends had been so open heartedly accepted by the group and how the group had supported them in a very difficult situation. I can't help but think that had my friends been openly bisexual, the outcome might have been different.

I think the reasons behind the possibly different outcomes are pretty clear. The United States citizenry has reached the level of over all sophistication and information need for it to  accept those who are  gay. More and more we accept people for the quality of their character than for any other reason. After all, stripped to its core, prejudice is nothing but fear and/or misunderstanding of the unknown.

On the other hand, one of the reasons gays who have come out of their closets are

respected is because they have had the courage to openly present themselves to the world as who they are. They have largely dropped the circus atmosphere that surrounded the first generation of gays who came out. Instead, The group of gay men coming out are more apt to be doctors, teachers, pastors, business leaders or one of thousands of other professions for which they are already judged to be members of the upper levels of the common man than any thing else including their being gay.  They don't ask to be given anything. They ask only to be judged by the quality of their character and just importantly by what they can contribute to our society. Only the most truculent homophobes even try to deny the recognized contributions to society by homosexuals over the centuries as well as those now coming out who are already more often than not professionally successful, affluent and ready to contribute.

In contrast, bisexuals are perceived as dishonest, self-centered, shallow, untrustworthy and incapable of acting in the interest of anyone except themselves. How did this view of bisexuals develop so quickly since it has only been a few years that the general public thought homosexuals and bisexuals were just the same thing; or, at most bisexuals were homosexuals who had not yet had the courage to see themselves as homosexual, I know I did for years. I simply did not understand why I had these seemingly irresistible desires that were mutually destructive of all I loved. Either way I went, my life was going to be adversely impacted, perhaps destroyed.

And such destruction was not an abstract idea. The web was and is still, alive with men who  have destroyed everything they ever loved. Some of these men have fallen from the ranks of very successful providers for their families and from positions of responsibility and community respect to men who have nothing in an inconceivably short time. Some sought help through counselors or organizations who promised to "fix them." Some embraced the desire that had cost them all they had, and began to have male/male sex anytime, anywhere and with anyone who was available. Some were in such shock they simply existed from day to day. Some, reaching the utter bottom of their lives, took the only out they could see and ended their own lives.

The lack of will to climb one's way out of ignorance can indeed be disastrous. Strangely enough, the failure to gather one's will to entertain new ideas often can be traced to a lack of will to confront one's parents or challenge religious beliefs of one's parents. The centre of the Wheel of Life. In the image above: ignorance is represented by a pig; attachment/desire is represented by an Indian bird known for its attachment to its mate; aversion/anger is represented by a snake, since it is quick to strike. I think the ancients showed great wisdom in placing all these conflicting elements of our lives at the very center of the Wheel of Life. How we each deal with these conflicting elements determines whether our lives will be happy and successful or miserable and hopeless.

There are, cf course those who have been much luckier. Those who found they could manage the duality of both their own sense of guilt over their male/male sexual explorations and their obligations to their wives and families while continuing to pass as straight guys, did relatively well. I am one of these.  Others turned to formal or informal counseling. Those who found the right counselor and worked tirelessly to come to a new understanding of themselves also, more often than not, found in themselves something they could live with. They began to form new paradigms that supported and defined their non-straight sexuality.

For some, the new paradigms allowed them to be bisexual but not act on it if they were already married to a woman. Others found they could handle occasional male/male liaisons so long as they limited the activity.

In my younger days before the world wide web, I thought I was the only man on earth who both loved his wife, had a great sex life with her; yet could not shake the thoughts or desires for sex with other men.

The truth, I later found, is far different. There are hundreds of thousands of such men around the world. Just finding that out helped, but it left much yet for me to understand.

Jack Scott

Lifetime Achievements

Recently I received a long and very complimentary letter from a reader. Two paragraphs were as follows:

"You seem to be successful, happily married, with a history of a good marital sex life, socially at least somewhat liberal, fiscally conservative, Texan, intelligent, an interesting writer, bisexual, good taste in men (at least from your photo blog), Christian, and you have had longstanding very close friends-with-benefits relationships with men, and your wife is aware of this and it didn't ruin your marriage.

Jesus, man, how did you manage all that?  Kudos to you."

Like anyone, I appreciate a compliment whenever one is offered. However, in this case, I have to point out that the person offering the compliment is seeing me as a man in his mid sixties. If he had known

me when I was in my mid thirties, his compliment might not have been offered. There certainly have been times when I struggled to keep it all together, and there have been times when I was scared shitless about what it was going to take to achieve a goal.

Even so, the person complimenting me has more than likely seen, as have I, men in their sixties and even seventies who have not been very successful in their lives. What is it that allows some of us to achieve great success in our lives while others among us seem to struggle throughout their lives, or even worse, simply give up at some point?

The letter writer is correct when he describes me a fiscally conservative and socially liberal. For the most part that is correct. However, while I consider myself socially liberal, I am, by no means, a bleeding heart liberal. My recent reply to an "Anonymous Liberal" points out the distinct difference between me and the bleeding liberal hearts who are too blind, too elite, and too egotistical to see that they are on a path to destroying this country and its heritage.

I point out this reply because it answers part of the letter writers questions. My father was a man of few words. He spoke in a clear and simple way. He took seriously his duty to raise me and my brothers to be men who could support ourselves and our families. From an early age, he impressed on us that we were part of a world which doesn't give a damn about us. He stressed that there was no excuse for failure to be found outside ourselves. Adversity was just another name for challenge; and challenge was just another name for opportunity in my father's philosophy.

Feeling blue or mistreated? Get over it! Pick yourself up by your own bootstraps and keep doing whatever it is you have to do to achieve your goals was another major part of my father's philosophy of life, though he didn't say it in such gentle words.

I can't remember a single time I ever got a single word of sympathy from my father. Bleeding or

bruised? "I've had worse places on my eyeball," he'd say. Bullied or mistreated? "Learn to defend yourself; give as good as you get," he'd say. Yet, my father was always there, it seemed when he had to be. I almost drowned on my tenth birthday. I was going down for the 3rd time, and convinced my life was about to end when my father plucked me out of the deep water. I don't know for sure, but I've always felt my father let me get enough lake water in my lungs to convince me I'd better learn how to swim.

In today's world, not nearly enough people share my father's philosophy for success. "If I can't make more than minimum wage, why work?" they say. "Why should I stay in school?" they ask. "The governments got money, why should I work? they contend. Worse still, many people today would consider my father's philosophy a sign of ignorance. In response to anyone with such a viewpoint, I point out that my father raised three very successful sons.

Liberals contend minorities still need preferences and handouts to achieve success. The truth belies their contentions. Tens of thousands of minority middle and upper class Americans have made their lives a success just by taking advantage of the opportunities available to all Americans and by refusing to be defeated. The only fight I have with these successful minority Americans is, even they, now fall victim all too often to the liberal lie that minorities must have special help and preferences to achieve success. They have forgotten that it is their own struggle that made them what they are today.

Such self delusion is not just engaged in by successful minorities. It is also engaged in my successful white Americans who try to shield their children from the struggles they had to overcome on the road to success. They give their kids everything money can buy and never teach them the value of hard work and personal achievement. I admire Bill Gates and other wealthy Americans who do not plan to share their fortunes with their children, but instead teach them how to make their own fortunes.

Another reason for my success is that I was born with an inquiring mind. I always wanted to know, Why? I was never satisfied with success. I always wanted more. As a young man, I looked at people

who had grand homes and expensive cars and I wanted to be just like them. I was willing to work long, hard hours to achieve what I wanted.

I have never been a person who is afraid of or resistant to change. Nothing has ever been sacred to me simply because it is the way it has always been done. I have always been sensitive to the rights and the feelings of others because I have always been a believer in the old maxim that "what goes round comes round." Now, in the twilight of my years, I can honestly say that in my observation throughout my life those who cheat and steal and take advantage of others are seldom successful in the long run and never happy in the long run.

I have never been one to blame my failures on others. That sort of thing is simply alien to the philosophy of life my father instilled in me. It is a tell tale mark of the ignorant. If I fail, I simply try to learn from the failure and initiate a new strategy. Along the same lines, I've never thought of myself as the only person who has to carry a bag of rocks around with him. I know everyone has their own bag of rocks, and I believe it is out bag of rocks and what we do about them that determines our stature in life. No one else can relieve us of our rocks. They are our personal responsibility.

I've always been willing and able to reassess my bag of rocks. Often I've found what I thought was just a rock was, in fact, a gem stone. Such is the case with my bisexuality. For years it was one of the biggest rocks I had to carry. When I finally was able to assess it correctly, I found it to be one of the biggest gems in my life. It was because of my bisexuality, that I met some of the most important people in my life. It was because of my bisexuality I have been able to help some people to deal with their own sexual challenges. It is one of my life's greatest satisfactions to know that I have been able to affect lives for the better. At the same time, there is satisfaction that I was not able to affect such change all by myself, but rather by helping others to identify their options, clarify their thinking and take on new paradigms that brought about the changes.

I have always been a planner. I had the good sense to marry a woman who was also a planner. She is also intelligent and self sufficient. She doesn't need me to take care of her. She simply needs me to share my life with her. So many people ruin their chances of real success in life by marrying beautiful, needy women who are both unwilling and unable to be an asset to them. Such carelessness, more often than not, takes a huge toll on one's life.

Finally, throughout my life, I have surrounded myself with great people. Especially in my career, I

intentionally hired people who were smarter than I and who knew things I didn't know. I intentionally tried to avoid at all cost hiring problems and instead to hire competence and team members.

Have I made mistakes in my life? Too many to count, but mistakes have always been just a weigh station on the road to success. One of the greatest discoveries of my life has been that people appreciate a good attitude and a willingness to do something, even if its sometimes wrong. More often than not, such people are quickly forgiven their mistakes. It has happened to me over and over in my life.

I've always believed in powers bigger than myself. In my mind such belief is vital to keeping oneself grounded.

It's never too late to achieve success. We don't have to be rich to be counted successful. We don't have to have the grand home of the expensive car to be seen as a success. Some of the most successful people I've ever known have been quite poor in material means. As my father always said, "Be the best at whatever you do. If you dig ditches for a living, be the best ditch digger anyone has ever known."

Jack Scott

Back to Texas My Sweet Home

We flew into Houston last night, a 24 hour period between waking up in Europe and getting back to bed in Texas. I'm learning that like many things, jet lag is more of a problem when one is in his mid 60's than it is when one is in his mid 30's.

We did have a great time though the schedule was just about as much as I could deal with. Since retirement, I have just not been use to getting up at 6:00 a.m every morning any longer.

The good thing about the trip is that everything was more than I expected it to be. We were disappointed in none of the sites on our itinerary. 

Because of the horrible economy in Europe, even some of the 4 star and 5 star hotels are beginning to suffer from lack of maintenance and apparent neglect. Fortunately, while I'm sure all are suffering, some are doing a great job of keeping up service and the appearance of things guest will see and experience. We stayed in some truly fabulous hotels who catered to our every need.

I took between 500 and 600 pictures, but pictures just can't do justice to the landscape and many of the treasures in museums and cathedrals cannot be photographed at all. I was a great trip, but we were ready to come home. Our  joy in traveling dies a sudden death after two weeks. It will take a few months before it begins to pull at me again. And, of course, it will take a few months to pay the bills.

Travel is never entirely fun anymore. Long flights are certainly not enjoyable, but every American who can afford to travel in foreign countries should do so. There is so much to see and to learn from foreign travel. And there is much for Europeans to learn about normal Americans. In our tour group, there were people from California, Arizona, Texas, Michigan, New York, Florida, New Jersey, Massachusetts and North Carolina. Getting to know them and know something about the life they lead is interesting. One thing quickly learned is that though all of these people are in the upper middle class, they all carry their own personal bag of rocks around. Like me, one was struggling with cancer. Other had other significant health problems. Some are facing the adjustments of retirement or dealing with recent retirement. Several are dealing with the problems associated with caring for elderly parents who no longer can deal with life on their own. But the significant thing to me was all these people, in spite of the blessings they enjoy, also have their own little bag of rocks which demand their attention. They deal with the rocks, but they don't let the rocks cause them to miss enjoying the blessing of seeing the rest of the world and learning how other people live. Almost everyone in the group had seen much of the world and had plans to see still more. To me it was a great and wonderful thing. Far too many people get stuck in a rut under the weight of the bag of problem rocks they carry around.

All in all, Europeans are much more laid back than Americans. They are more inclined to live their lives and leave it to others to live theirs. We were amazed to see people walking their dogs on leashes and taking the dogs with them into the best department stores and shops. Many Europeans are friendly and helpful. Europeans don't work as hard as Americans do, but they enjoy the good things in life their work enables them to have more than Americans do. They are much more apt to stop and smell the roses each day. Americans can learn from that.

Speaking of European tolerance, the Pope's recent interview in which he said the Church was much to much into rules and not enough into caring for people is bound to be a shock for many. His suggestion that gay people should not only be welcomed in to our churches but actually cared about as human beings is sure to give great comfort to all who are not straight. At the same time, it will piss off many in the Church hierarchy. They are bound to resist with every ounce of resistance they can muster. But Francis seems like a man on a mission to me. I don't think he will be held back, and he certainly will not be restrained. This one interview will shorten the timetable for gay and lesbian equality significantly. The Church, as we have known it during our lifetimes, is going to change significantly.

Just as there are still racists 50 years after discrimination was legally ended, there will always be those who resist equality and acceptance for gays. But just as racists are now relegated to the fringes of society, those who resist acceptance of gays will find more and more they are relegated to the fringes of society as well while the gay people they hate are more and more welcomed into mainline society.

It's good to be home. As soon as I recover from the jet lag and the pace I have endured over the last two weeks, I'll post again.

Thanks to all of you who read and support this blog. You cannot possibly know how important you are to me.

Jack Scott

So You're Bisexual or Gay and Married - Now What?

I've spent years writing to gay and bisexual men encouraging them to look at their lives with a large dose of introspection and strive to come to peace with who they are. I'm always pleased when I get letters from these guys telling me I've been helpful to them; but I never really get to know how much they have actually accomplished because I've never met them in person and I don't have the luxury of staying in touch with them over a period of  years to see how it all turns out. Sometimes I'm pretty confident a guy has really gotten his act together and will stay on course to a better life. Sometimes I'm fearful a guy has ultimately been overwhelmed and ended up in very bad circumstances.

I have had the good fortune to have worked with a small number of men personally and one on one to encourage them to take action to change their lives. I'm happy to say none of the men with whom I've been able to work with personally have failed to make significant changes in their lives and find happiness at levels previously unknown to them. For the most part, at levels they were previously unable to imagine.

Changing one's life patterns is not an easy thing to do. It takes years of hard work and the willingness to never give up. It takes both the inner courage to step into the unknown and the emotional stability and

courage to function in a time of transition in which every value one has ever held is being rexamined, updated or jettisoned.

Such a task is so difficult that I am not surprised at all that the people who do the best are the people who have personal support to fall back upon. Changing one's life long view of himself is no easy task. Most guys simply do not have the tenacity to do it on their own. I think I was able to do it because I had the good fortune to be raised by a mother who taught me to question everything and by a father who taught me never to give up. It didn't hurt that I was inquisitive by nature and a "Type A" personality who was never satisfied with the status quo. Even so, it took me many years to affect the change because I was very much alone and had no one to talk to or to give me advice.

I don't take meddling in people's lives for granted. It often gnaws at my conscience to know that in spite of my best intentions, what I have said to someone could end up opening the doors to tragedy for him. Reclaiming one's life from the wrong path is no easy process. I'm always afraid some guy has absorbed just enough of what I've tried to tell him to get himself in even more trouble, but not nearly enough to get his life on a new and successful path.

I've spent so many years trying to get guys to change the direction of their lives, I was surprised a couple of years ago when I began to hear more and more from guys who have found renewed happiness in another way. It's a complicated thing, as it always is when human sexuality is concerned, but basically these guys have not so much changed the direction of their lives as they have reexamined their lives, their wants, needs and circumstances. They have decided to be satisfied with what they have and choose to be happy, rather than take a risk that might lead to the loss of everything they worked for all their lives.

More often than not, these guys have experienced all the pain, anger and sense of not fitting in anywhere that I experienced while trying to understand myself. However, for reasons that differ somewhat with each man, once they came to know themselves as either married gay guys or married bisexual guys, the knowing and the self acceptance were enough for them. They felt no irresistible compulsion to explore a new life style of sexual intimacy with both men and women. At first, I was skeptical. Based on my own experience, I couldn't really believe such a thing possible. But as more and more men described their experiences to me, I had no choice but to see what they were doing as a real alternative reaction to dealing with one's sexuality and circumstance. In fact, not only was it a real alternative, in some cases it seemed to be a very wise alternative.

I have often spoken of a close friend of mine in my writings, using him as an example of one thing or another. His way of dealing with his own homosexuality helps to illustrate one side of the point I am getting to. He was married for 25 years. These were, he has often told me, the worst and most unhappy 25 years of his life. For all of the 25 years he was miserable in his marriage. It wasn't that he and his wife didn't have many of the trappings of a good marriage. They had more than most. They had one of the nicer homes in town set on a large acreage. He was making in excess of 100K a year in a job he loved. In the 25 years they had conceived three living children who were bright, well adjusted and a source of real pride. I have no doubt, even today, had his wife been a different type of person, he would have never left her. But as it was, she was demanding, controlling, unappreciative, snippy, quick to see something bad in every situation and unwilling to ever see the good in any situation. Living as a married homosexual man was bad enough for my friend, but living as a homosexual man married to an unrepentant bitch was simply too much for him. His wife was exactly like her mother, and he knew that with each passing year she would get harder to live with just as did her mother. His father-in-law dealt with it all by simply giving up. He never voiced an opinion. When she told him to jump his only question was, "how high shall I jump dear?" And my friend saw that his mother-in-law still talked about her husband like he was a dog. She was simply unable to have respect for anyone or anything.  He couldn't see himself playing the role of  his father-in-law.

When he made the decision to come out of the closet and live his life openly as a gay man, he first told his siblings, then his parents. Next he told his children saving his wife until the last. He had expected support from everyone except his father and his wife. Much to his surprise, his father was also supportive. He had not misjudged his wife however. Her anger and rage knew no boundaries. She physically assaulted him. She screamed and cried and carried on simply refusing to accept any of it. The problem was, she made it clear she was more concerned with what their friends would think than she was concerned with anything else.

My friend is a big strong guy. He could have easily defended himself from the physical assaults, but he knew better than to touch her and give her cause to involve the police, a situation that would likely land him in jail. Instead, he simply walked away from it all with just the clothes on his back. He left her the house, the cars, the bank accounts, everything. He left the house with a single suitcase of this things. 

In the over six years of their separation, he has continued to send money every month. In fact, he sends the major part of his income to his ex wife and his kids. He has put one through college. The middle child will complete her college studies in 2014 and the youngest will begin college that year. Mike has sacrificed to get them through college and keep their mother in the house in which they grew up. Not every man would have been so generous with her. I'm afraid I fall into that category. But he was determined to be more than fair.

Had she been a different type of woman, I'm convinced he would have taken a different route, as I mentioned above; and that is exactly what I have heard from other men.

Over the last couple of years a number of men have shared with me their own reactions in the aftermath of coming to understand and accept their homosexuality or their bisexuality. Denial, or failure to

understand that they were different, had been a lifelong bitter pill for them. Strangely though, coming to know and to accept, in and of itself, seemed to bring peace to these men. Just knowing somehow seemed enough. As usual in this era, these are men who always knew they were somehow different from other men; but who, 40 to 50 years ago had no choice but to get married and raise a family if they wanted a successful life. It was what society expected and demanded at the time. Luckily for these men it had, in many ways, worked out for them. They loved their wives, they loved their kids and grandkids. They had a successful career and a place in the community. In return, they were loved and respected by their wives.

They had come to realize, they were married gay or bisexual men; but they did not feel their new born acceptance of it gave them license to chuck it all and go on a spree of any kind. Their were people they loved, people who looked up to them and respected them for whom they had real love and concern. This included their wives who had loved them, supported them and stood buy them through the years and been a mother to their children.

In the end, these men had been wise enough to do a simple risk-reward analysis of their options rather

than just run head long into the unknown of a new life. It didn't take them long to see that the risks they would incur far outweighed the possible rewards in a new and unknown path. It is not that there are not long term successful gay relationships, there certainly are; but they are certainly not yet the norm. Why, these men reasoned, give up a happy long term relationship for the unknown at a time in their life when sexual performance and stamina was on the downturn anyway?

For the bisexual men, the reasoning was much the same. Some I talked to had very enjoyable and substantial sexual relationships with their wives; and they loved their wives. Others were in marriages in which, for both partners, sex had become less than necessary; yet the partners were still committed  and loving companions who enjoyed each other company and the entitlements of being the parents of grown children as well as the joys of grandchildren. Why rock the boat? The risks simply outweighed the possible rewards.

My friend was not the only man I knew well who would have made a different decision had he been blessed with the benefits of a loving and supportive wife. My friend Bill was in the exact same position. From the first, Bill had know that his marriage was not a real marriage in any sense of the word. There was nothing common to a husband and wife that he and his wife had except for the fact that they lived in the same house and had children together. But the children were long gone and he and his wife lived in separate parts of the house. They had no contact with each other except what was necessary for the running of the house. They lived separate lives together. There was no love, no emotional closeness, no joy. No mutual support. Had it been different, Bill more likely than not, would have lived out his life as a married gay man.

As it is both of my friends are now out and happy for the first times in their lives living with their gay partners. Bill is finding out daily the common joy that comes with living with someone who loves him. It is a life he had never known in the past.

As for my other friend, he has very little money of his own now, but he has a good job and a partner he loves. He does not regret the loss of the material things he walked away from. He feels he got the best end of the deal by far. His life is far from perfect, but it is a life which makes him happy.

One of the things I have come to see clearly over the last 20 years is, there is no supreme rule for married guys who are gay or bisexual which, if they follow it, will assure their happiness. Instead I have come to see every man should be wise enough to do his own risk-reward assessment and make very careful decisions concerning the rest of his life. I have seen all to often the tragedy that comes from failing to do such an assessment.

I have done few things in my life without careful assessment and lots of thought and planning. Handling my own bisexuality was no exception. Unlike the two friends I have mentioned, I was blessed with a very happy

marriage and a wife who loves me dearly. We enjoyed a sex life that rocked our worlds. It never seemed to get old or boring. I did make the decision to experiment with my desires for male/male sex. I found it to be enjoyable, but I found it did nott hold a candle to what I had at home. For me a male/male relationship was much more about having a valued and trusted male friend than anything else. I was lucky enough to have a couple of long term relationships in which the bond between us was important. But in the end it was not lasting. I was also blessed to have a wife who I knew would cut me some slack, if she ever found out my secrets. I was not wrong about that.

Now, I have reached the point in my life due to health issues beyond my control in which sex of any

kind is not possible for me. I would have once thought I'd rather be dead than be in this position. I was wrong about that. Life is still good. My wife and I are still very much in love. We've found that love really has little to do with sex in the long run. It has much more to do with true friendships, mutual interests and a common outlook on life.

In addition, I still have close and intimate friendships with the two friends I've mentioned and a couple of other guys. These are not sexual relationships but just true friendships built on their own type of love and the mutual benefits that spring from such relationships.

Had I given up my "straight" life, I would have given up way too much indeed. Had I not come to understand my bisexuality and come to be at peace with it, I would have settled for way too little in my life. As it was I achieved the right balance for me.

One guy put a lot of it in perspective for me when he told me he had come to realize that millions of straight men see a lot of women whom they are sexually attracted to; but they don't pursue the attraction because they take their marriage vows seriously. Further more, they genuinely care about their spouses happiness and peace of mind. They care about retaining her trust. Therefore they make do with, just enjoying the eye candy and continuing to get their needs met at home. It can be the same way with a married gay or bisexual man. There is nothing wrong with looking and appreciating. Really nothing wrong with even a little lust. It can add fire to the primary relationship with the wife.

My wife and I travel a lot. In a few days we will be heading to Europe to see many of the treasures there. I'll never own art treasures or treasured antiquities; but fortunately, I don't have to own them to enjoy them. I can look for free. So it is for married gays and bisexuals who have decided that acting on their male/male desires is just too risky. They can look all they want for free and maintain the enjoyment and bonds of love and trust in their marriage when the marriage is a good one.

When I was sexually active with other men, I was a careful as I could possibly be to ensure my health and safety. But as it seems to be with everything these days, things are just getting more and more complex and difficult. There was once, not so long ago, comfort in the fact that if one did slip up, miracle antibiotics would put all back right. Now there are more and more of the super bugs which have increasing levels of resistance to even our most powerful antibiotics.

Once, not so long a go, a careful guy could spot the signs of STD's and steer clear. That is no long possible. For many of the present day STD's there is no sign whatsoever. They hide in plain sight ready to destroy one's life, maybe soon or maybe years down the road. It is a risk which simply cannot be accurately assessed, a risk which is better just avoided.

More and more, I talk to gay guys or bisexual guys who are joining their partners in complete medical workups before they have unprotected sex. I think these guys are doing the right thing these days. At the same time, I see a bigger number of guys who simply live for today thinking they are bullet proof. It's a fools game. I'm old enough to have lost a number of friends to AIDS. The threat is mitigated now, but it is not absent and even if the right against AIDS is won, there are plenty of other life changing or life threatening STDS out there to take its place.

To me it all simply adds up that simple risk-reward assessments should be the norm for any sexually active person. It is so much easier to ruin one's life that it is to put it back together.

My experience has taught me that identifying and coming to terms with our sexuality is a must. However, once that task is accomplished, there are many paths to happiness and fulfillment. The problem is, for any given individual, there is, more likely than not, only a single path that will lead to personal happiness and fulfillment. For a married man who has come to understand and accept his sexuality, the second task is to carefully assess and examine the possible path to determine the best one for himself and for those he loves.

Men of a certain age, made choices years ago. It is not too late for them to make wholesale changes in their lives without wrecking or damaging the lives of others. I'm certainly not adverse to men making the changes when their situation is no longer bearable, but that is not usually the case. For me, I would be lost now if I had chosen to end my marriage. I could have never replace the love and support I enjoy with my wife. It would have been so sad for me to give up what I spent a life time building simply to die alone.

So, you're married; but you're not straight. What now? Well, the answer might be closer to home than you think. It might also involve a brand new start. Think carefully, for men over 50 you'll probably live out your life with the choices you make now, good or bad!

Jack Scott