And Then There is Texas

I've always been proud to be a Texan. Texas is a truly unique place in the world. That is not to say that there are not other unique places in the world. There are of course. That is why my wife and I spend so much time traveling around the world. But Texas is the unique place with which I am most familiar and the place I always return to from my travels.

That said, more and more my pride in being a Texan is being shaken these days by the utter stupidity

of some of those who make news as political activists. Recently Texas had its State GOP Convention. Nothing wrong with that of course. Every state has one, but undoubtedly none of these other states conventions come up with as many stupid platform proposals as do the far right-wing Texans who represent the evangelical Christians and the Tea Party and dominate the Platform Committee.

In the recent GOP Convention in Texas the approximately 7000 member Platform Committee decided in their total lack of wisdom that the GOP Platform should contain language supporting Reparative Therapy for gays to help them become straight. Seeing as how every respected psychiatric organization in the United States has declared Reparative Therapy to be roughly the equivalent of curative snake oil, it was an embarrassing moment for most Texas Republicans and for Texas. But that is part of the problem. The far right-wing Christians and the radical Tea Party members have no capacity whatsoever to be embarrassed over their own stupidity and ignorance. The are perfectly comfortable in their feelings that what they believe is truth and that it is their duty to see that everyone else believes it too.

While other states are recognizing the reality of equal opportunity under the law for gays to marry their same-sex partners, too many Texans cling to the false notion that such marriages would be a direct and immediate danger to their own marital status.

Fortunately, at the same time, an amazing number of Texas citizens do not subscribe to this foolishness. The other day a couple of my gay friends invited my wife and I to a party at their home. They have a large home in a part of Houston that is being regentrified  on the north side. This regentrification is largely the product of gay couples who are moving into the area and fixing up homes that have been home to squatters for the last several years. The house my friends bought was totally covered in vines in the front. In the back, windows had been broken for squatters to enter and the house was a total wreck. Light fixtures, air conditioners and anything else with any value had been ripped out and carried away. In just less than a year, my friends turned it into a showplace again much to the liking of their straight neighbors.

The neighbors have not only continued to be supportive but also quick to include my friends in the social activities of the neighborhood. At the party there were lesbian couples, gay couples and straight couples. It was not a gay party. It was a neighborhood party and everyone had a great deal of fun. The party started at 5:00 p.m. and the invitation said it would continue until the last guest departed. That turned out to be a little after 2:00 a.m.

The point is that most of Texas' population is located in its three large metropolitan areas and these

people are doing a great job of learning how to judge people, not by their sexual orientation or the color of their skin, but rather by their character. It is a wonderful thing. It's not such a wonderful thing that the chief purveyors of hate and discrimination these days is found in our politics and in our evangelical churches. Oh sure, the claim to love the sinner but hate the sin thinking that lets them off the hook. It never occurs to them that homosexuality might not always be a sin.

Yesterday a circuit court in Denver ruled that every state must allow same-sex marriage under the equal protection provisions of the Constitution of the United States of America. This sets in motion the process that will end with a review by the U.S. Supreme Court. No one can predict what the sharply divided court will do in this case; but if I was betting, I know where I'd place my bet.

We live in interesting times. There is much wrong with our world. Hatred looms in too many areas of the world fed all to0 often by religious zealots who use religion to support their own hate and prejudice.

I'm proud to be an American and a Texan, for although we're far from perfect, we remain the best hope of the world and things generally are getting better all the time in our part of the world. Hopefully our politicians and our religious leaders will come to recognize that they are out of touch with the citizens they represent. We'll never get rid of political institutions, but if religious institutions don't soon come to grips with changing realities, they'll soon find themselves having to close their doors for lack of money and congregations to keep them open.

Jack Scott

Progress Note

I promised some friends who contributed to Part Two: "What I've Learned Along The Way" I'd have it out last week. I just couldn't make it happen. Today, I was convinced I could, but there were problems with my Google ID and problems with my password. It took all afternoon to get those straightened out.

However, the time is drawing near when the article will be finished. Keep in mind my good days are limited, and I never know when I wake up in the morning if the day is going to be good or bad. Please spread the word to your friends that the blog will be reactivated soon.

I have intentionally made the blog challenging because that is where I think the truth is to be found in challenges to the old thoughts, ideas and ways. I hope no one who reads it will fill intimidated to support it or say it's trash. I want to hear what you think.

Best wishes.

Jack Scott

A Comment on "What I've Learned Along the Way"

A follower of this blog who writes me on a regular basis sent me a long comment on my blog piece, "What I've Learned Along the Way." He was afraid it was too long to publish in the comment section. I told him I would post it for him.

His story fits well in the context of "What I've Learned Along the Way." He has had, as many of us do, some very difficult decisions to make in his life. He has tried his best to make those decisions based on what is best for him and his family. The results have not been entirely satisfying to him, but neither have they been altogether bad. Many of you will most likely recognize yourselves in his comment.

Hey Jack,

I just read your latest blog post.  Interesting to me, because I fall into the category of folks you described, the ones who choose to stay married and monogamous.

Lately, I have been very frustrated on many fronts.  My life just didn't seem to work out like I wanted.  

My marriage is mediocre.  Our sex life has dwindled to nothing (literally, have not had sex since January [last year], and last year was a nearly no-sex year too).  

My career is mediocre.  I got a decent education, with a couple of degrees.  I have fumbled in the work world.  I make a decent living, over the six figure mark. But, I have never really felt connected to my work in a way that is satisfying.

Family life is hard. I am thankful to have kids. I think I am a mediocre parent.  I wish for something better for my kids than I seem to be able to provide for them.

I am bisexual.  I was in some sort of denial about that for many years, even though it was as plain as day to me from an early age that when I watched porn it was the hard dicks that got me hard.  I never tried same-sex sex, and always assumed I never would.  But, the same-sex arousal caused me incredible shame and I know it had a serious impact on my life overall.  

But, the truth is, I can't blame my life circumstances on my sexuality.  I have struggled with depression.  I can be pessimistic.  This challenge runs in my family.  This is yet another burden I must bare. 

I was raised by a bipolar dad who was emotionally distant and at times emotionally abusive.  It left me scarred and self loathing.

I am quite introverted.  That has been yet another burden.  

I've done counseling, prayer, introspection.  Somewhere along the way, I finally started sharing the whole truth about myself, including the sexuality issues.  That was a necessary step, for me.  I had to come to grips with the fact that I am not completely straight.  It's hard to put a number to it, on the Kinsey scale, because I never tried same-sex sex. But, I am confident I could enjoy it. Maybe I'm a 2, because I've never bothered to try it. Maybe I'm a 4, because, damn, those porn images are hot. In the end, it doesn't really matter. I dig gay porn and it provides a useful release for me.  But, I like straight sex, and if I had a more engaged partner, I'd enjoy having a lot more of it.  As I have shared with you previously, coming to grips with who I really am sexually was helpful for me.  It was life changing, in that I was able to release the longstanding shame.

But, because the sexuality issue is not my only struggle, coming to grips didn't solve all my problems.  I'm still a work in progress.  I don't know that I'll ever be "happy" in the sense of being free from the trials of my life.  But, I am happier.  And, I am more at ease.  And, I know better who I am.  Or, rather, I can accept it better.  So, I am thankful.

Your blog has been helpful to me, as have your emails.  I enjoy reading what you write. And, I enjoy writing you about my thoughts on what you write.

I don't have a big network of people I can be the "real" me with, but I have a few people now, online friends with whom I can be fully honest with.  Only one is someone I would call a real friend in the truest sense.  But, I would consider you a "friend" in the sense that I have felt a degree of useful support.

I appreciate you sharing my version of bisexuality on your blog. I wonder how many people like me are out there. I think we tend to live quietly, in the closet.  But, I assume (now) that I can't be the only one.  I think part of my struggle to accept myself was that I felt I could not be me if I was gay or bisexual. To me, for years, accepting that I was gay or bisexual would have meant I should be acting gay or bisexual in the real world, not just in my head.  But, having gay sex, especially as a married man with a family, just simply never felt like an option I could or would consider.  I think that would have shattered my world too much for me to recover.  So, I hid from the whole thing, feeling I had no other options.

When I went into the discovery mode, it was not really by some active choice. I hit the lowest period of my life, and I was suffering from crushing depression and anxiety.  I felt that I had to deal with the sexuality issues. I suppose I felt prompted by God to finally deal with it.  That pressure to face it started three years ago.  I was absolutely terrified.  I didn't know what facing it would mean. But, even if my world turned upside down, I had no choice, because I was suffocating and seemingly dying the way things were.

Now, I am past that crushing, terrifying, ominous sense of doom.  

I'm finally able to see and accept who I am, and I know that gay is a word that applies to me to some extent, even if I can't put a percentage to it.  But, tangibly, in my daily life, things have not really changed.  And, for me, I think that is the right choice. It's not because I have a great marriage or a great sex life that I can't give up.  It's because I have a family and a sense of duty and responsibility and loyalty and honor to the people that I live with.  Honestly, I could think of plenty of reasons why living single would be easier, and sexuality is probably lower on the list than you'd think.  But, if I left my family, I know I would not be happy with myself, and I would not be doing what I believe to be the right thing, in my life.

So, I am making the right choice, for me, at this time.  That seems clear to me.

A Reader

*************

Every decision we make, and even the decisions we do not make affects our lives for better or worse. This reader has tried to make the best choices he can for himself and those he loves. Sometimes that is all one can do, and sometimes it is the right thing to do.

Sometimes, even though we feel like we're not satisfied, we are where we are supposed to be. For instance, I'm always talking about how blessed I am, and how happy I am. That does not mean everything is just as I want it to be. I rather not have my cancer to deal with. I'd like to be a billionaire. But I'll never be a billionaire, and my cancer will kill me at some point. I basically have the choice to cry and complain about these problems or choose to ignore my wishes and appreciate the good things I do have in my life. Sometimes we cannot control what problems we encounter in life, but we can always control how we react to them.

I appreciate those of you who have commented on "What I've Learned Along the Way." One reader noted that he enjoyed the blog although he didn't agree with all that I had written. He is right on target. If I write about scientific fact such as, the sun rises in the east every morning, no one who is sane can refute that. But I rarely write about scientific facts. I usually write about social and cultural controversies, and my opinion concerning them. Wheather its my opinion or anyone else's opinion, there is always room for disagreement. I'd like to hear from those of you who have not commented on the blog yet. Part Two will be posted soon.

Hope all of you have been able to survive the record cold across the U.S. in the past few days.

Jack Scott

What I've Learned Along the Way - An Interim Observation

Thanks to all of you who have already commented on "What I've Learned Along the Way," Part One. I hope you will continue to comment and that those of you who haven't will do so. This is a subject in which no one's opinion is set in stone. Even the so called experts disagree vehemently. But in my mind those of us who have lived gay or bisexual lives are more likely to grasp bits and pieces of the truth than are the experts.

Those of us who can take the bits and pieces of truth we possess and apply them thoughtfully and realistically to the homosexual and bisexual communities at large can shed a great deal of light on the overall cultural characteristics of the still evolving homosexual and bisexual communities. And because we are all a part of these evolving communities in one way or the other, each of us has an obligation to share our thoughts and feelings.

Anyone who has read my blog for anytime at all knows I believe in destiny. I believe life has a purpose for all of us, and I believe to the extent we are on track to fulfill our purpose in life and our destiny to be a prime contributor to our overall sense of self-worth and happiness.

I gave up on believing in coincidence long ago. It was not something I chose to do. It became

something I was compelled to do, for if coincidence is real, my life has been an almost never ending string of fortuitous coincidences. That is just not possible. It would be the same as going to Vegas and winning every hand one played for years. It's not possible.

Behind everything we might want to see as coincidence, there has to be a guiding power. Otherwise, my life has defied impossible odds. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not some male version of Mother Theresa.  I'm no saint! I've had my share of adversities, wrong turns and doubts. But, along the way, I've had way more than my share of instances of seeming coincidence that simply had to be much more than mere serendipity.

Such a thing has taken place in just the last month. I made up my mind to write this article 6 to 8 weeks ago. My illness and subsequent confinement to an Intensive Care Unit gave me a great deal of time to think about the self-assigned task. I didn't tell anyone about it. I just thought about it. But the most amazing things began to happen. An old friend whom I had not heard from in a long while phoned me he other day. And what did he want to talk about? He wanted to talk about this article. He didn't even know I was writing about it, but he was facing issues in his own life that was leading him to some of the same conclusions I was planning to address in this article. It would have been unnerving had such a thing not long ago become ordinary in my life.

In addition to that call, my young friend here in Houston who had inspired this article over the last three years of our relationship, suddenly wanted to talk about the issue in detail as he was experiencing it in his own life. There were, out of the blue, several other seemingly coincidental incidents which contributed to this article. Every where I turned, I was finding thoughtful pieces of information that were valuable to the task at hand. Such an unrequested outpouring at just the right time cannot be mere coincidence or providence. There has to be a power of some kind behind it, especially when I consider that it happens over and over in my life.

The only down side of all this is that I have much more to consider now than I had planned. That along with my transition to a new therapy for my cancer will delay the planned publication date for the second part of this article for a few more days. During the wait, I hope many of you ( by many, I mean at least 100 of you ) will take the time to read or reread Part One and comment on it. It would make my day. I've never received 100 comments on any post.

Hang in there. Thanks for following my blog. I appreciate you all. Please tell your friends who like thought provoking reading about my blog.

Jack Scott

What I've Learned Along the Way

Prologue

Just before I got sick, I had finished the first part of this two part article. But before I published it, I wanted a good friend whom I trust implicitly for his intelligence, his thirst for knowledge and his ability to introspectively deal with his own bisexuality.

This article is meant to be challenging. I have written it with the hope that it will hit many readers hard enough to cause them to take an introspective and honest look into their own lives as a whole and their sexuality as a part of the whole.

In writing the article, please trust that I am mindful that each of us is different. Our sexuality is influenced by our personalities, our faith, our families and much more. Even identical twins do not always share the same identical sexuality.

In a very real sense, there is no right or wrong way to live ones homosexual or bisexual life so long as one is happy with it and not using or abusing others. That said, there are ways to live it that are likely to be more fulfilling than others. Some guys just never take the time to figure themselves out. Some, including one of my best friends, are just too undisciplined to carry out their own plans and desires for happiness. They are always willing to settle for a lifestyle they neither need or want.

i'd like very much to hear some of your comments about this blog. I know some of you will hate it. That's ok. I know many of you will like what you read as well. I challenge you to put what you've read into action.

***********

What I've Leared Along the Way

It's almost impossible for me to believe, but next May, I'll have been posting this blog for seven years. During that seven years, I've posted 181 blog articles, read over 800 comments (not nearly as many as I'd like) from some of the 400,000 page readers and hosted 400 to 500 readers each day. I would never believed it possible when I posted my first blog piece on May 7, 2007.

Through this blog, it has been my privilege to interact with a great number of men, and help some of them to come to a better understanding of themselves and sometimes to help those who love them to understand them better as well. For some, the solution to their problem was to seek a divorce and begin a new life as a gay or bisexual man. For others, who, for what ever reason, did not consider divorce a possibility, solving their problems was usually much harder. For these men, solutions often revolve around mental and emotional adjustments rather than making a new start.

Helping people to better understand and accept their sexuality was the prime reason I began this blog. One of my greatest pleasures these days is to see the results of the combined efforts of me and another guy who is really willing to find peace of mind. It is truly an awesome thing when his efforts transform him into a new person prepared to live his life to the fullest as a bisexual or homosexual man in a way that works for him.

But this blog piece is not about me trying to help others. Instead, it is about how others have

helped me to fill in the gaps in my own understanding of my life as a bisexual man. It is also about what I have learned about bisexuality and homosexuality from those who are collectively closest to such a lifestyle. It has been a most interesting, informative and rewarding journey.

In a way, I think bisexuality is the new homosexuality. I don't mean that to be an offensive statement to homosexual men. It is, in fact, a compliment.

Gay men have fought the good fight. They have faced their antagonists and looked them in the eye without stepping back. They have persevered through decades of battles. They have, at last, for all intents, won the war. All that is left now is the mop up. That will take a while, but that's alright because the mop up will contribute to the new order that has begun. There will be time for thoughtful consideration about how the new order is to be structured. There will be time for consideration of new laws, based not on politics or religion, but on the best interests of America and all its citizens, both gay and straight.

That is a good thing. Progress is already taking place at an unbelievable pace. As the older generation begins their exit from the halls of leadership making way for a new generation of leaders more open mindedly dedicated to equal treatment and equal opportunity for all, regardless of their sexual orientation or religious beliefs, the final chapter in the battle for gay rights will be written and gays will become nothing more than Americans, workers, congressmen, teachers, preachers, and fathers. They will become just one of the many groups of Americans that are known collectively as the common man. That is a wonderful thing, a goal long sought.

And this is not just my vision. It is actually happening, even among those who have resisted the most. A recent newspaper article in the Houston Chronicle reported on problems currently bedeviling professional faculty, staff and students at Baylor University. Everyone in Texas knows Baylor as a conservative Baptist institution. In fact, it has been becoming less and less a Baptist University for years. This year there has been a strong push from students to amend the code of ethics to mitigate the University's long held view that homosexual conduct is sinful and contrary to the teachings of Christ.

As is so often the case when conscientious objectors try to defend what is indefensible, their line of thought blurs or even becomes nonsensical. So it is with the newly proposed code of conduct at Baylor. Wisely, however, the student body is, for the most part, accepting it as a real step forward toward their eventual goal of achieving equal rights and recognition for gay students.

It has been widely reported that college students are making it clear over and over again

they have no problem with homosexuality. In doing so, Baylor students have also made it clear the recalcitrant stance against homosexuality at Baylor lies within the faculty and the leadership, all of whom are thoroughly vetted by the Baptist Church's leadership. The current President of Baylor is Ken Star. Star has impeccable credentials and has done undeniably good things for Baylor. However, he is a very conservative member of the Baptist church. Had he not been, he would never have been asked to lead Baylor. Star does not intend to let Baylor become gay friendly or supportive on his watch. He is a staunch defender of the old guard. Students are just as determined to sustain the fight for as long as it takes. In the long run, my money is on the students.

The same is true for the Baptist church. Young Baptists do not understand the church's disdain for gays. When they read their Bibles, it is clear to them, were Christ on earth today, he would often be found hanging out with gay and lesbian people. They recognize the traditional stance of the Baptist church is clearly outside the teachings of Christ. When the younger generation of Baptists begins to replace the old guard as more and more of the elders are laid to rest, even the Baptist Church will change direction or be laid to rest itself.

With gays becoming accepted members of the group often referred to as the common man, some of the more flamboyant displays of homosexuality' meant to make Americans realize gays are present in everyday life, will begin to disappear. They will no longer fill a need. Gay men already see themselves more and more as husbands or spouses, and in some cases fathers, in legal and/or religious unions. They are ready to become just part of the group of married Americans in a life where their sexuality is one of the least of things important to others, and in a life where they are judged by their character rather than by whom they love.

I've learned bisexuality, and most of those who see themselves as bisexuals are not yet fully ready to take their proper place in society's group known as the common man. Unlike homosexual men who have fought the long fight, mostly united in a common understanding of who they are and what they must win, bisexual men, in large part, have no common understanding of themselves and no realistic goals they wish to achieve. Until that changes, their fight to become a part of the group known as the common man can't even really begin. This is not meant to be an "I'm better than you" statement by any means. It is just a recognition of current reality, my reality included. As a bisexual man in his late 60's who is happily married and happily a part of straight society, I see nothing to gain by my coming out to my family and friends. One might correctly say I could help pave the way for others. It's true, but I feel I'm doing my part in this blog and in other ways that avoid conflict I just don't need at this stage of my life. If that's a cop out, and it may very well be, then I'm guilty."

Another reason I started this blog was because I wanted a vehicle through which I could better understand myself as a bisexual man. In other words, I wanted to be part of a dialogue with other men which would help all of us to better understand ourselves.

It's hard for me to imagine now, but I didn't even know there was such a thing as  bisexual men until I was 30 years old. The fact was, most of my emotional torment and pain arose from my understanding I was not a homosexual man, but neither was I a straight man. Because neither of these two categories fits me and my desires, I came to think of myself as some kind of monster.

But in 1977, the world was on the cusp of a technological revolution. Personal computers were just around the corner. Few realized how quickly they would change our lives. For the first time in history, the combined knowledge of mankind would be at the fingertips of a great number of the world's people. Even more astounding, much of it would be free.

It was the world wide web which really began to open my understanding of bisexuality and thus my understanding of myself. Over the next several years I read everything I could find on bisexuality on the web, as well as, much of what was recommended on the web. But just reading was not enough. I wanted to talk with bisexual men and find out how their lives were unfolding. That led me to the chat rooms that had began to appear on line in the late 1980's and by the 1990's were ubiquitous. For the first time I could talk with real live men who, like me, were struggling to understand themselves. It was a new world. Never before had I had a place where I could talk openly about topics which could not be discussed at all in the real world.

In the 35 or so years following my first steps into the world of chat rooms and open discussions about sex between men, a whole new world has overtaken all of us. Some of us, mostly the young, have enthusiastically embraced this new world. Some of us have been less enthusiastic, but recognize that we must adjust or be left behind in our own society and even in our own network of friends. Those who adamantly refuse to give an inch now often find themselves the outcasts.

This was illustrated recently in a situation which my good friends (a gay couple here in Houston) became members of a group of Houston Texans fans which rotated amongst each other's homes on game day to eat, drink and watch the game. From the first time they were invited after moving into the community, my friends had been surprised at the welcome they received from their older straight neighbors. But the bonds of friendship continued to grow.

As the second season opened this September, a crack suddenly appeared in the group. My friends were absent at a restaurant date where the neighbors gathered to eat and have some fun. One family took advantage of their absence to announce to the group they did not appreciate the acceptance of two gay men into the group. He stated that he and his wife would no longer participate if the gay couple were participating. The conversation quickly became very heated. One member told the complaining couple that he'd rather be associated with a gay couple than a couple of narrow minded homophobes. He ended his  comments by saying if the gay couple was asked to leave, he and his wife would leave also. One by one the other couples sided with him, saying they wished the couple who wanted to leave would reconsider, but they were not going to bar the gay couple from the group. I'm sure the couple who opposed associating with gays were shocked to find they had become the outcasts in the blink of an eye. It is a good example of how  quickly cosmopolitan society has changed.

I certainly was glad my friends had been so open heartedly accepted by the group and how the group had supported them in a very difficult situation. I can't help but think that had my friends been openly bisexual, the outcome might have been different.

I think the reasons behind the possibly different outcomes are pretty clear. The United States citizenry has reached the level of over all sophistication and information need for it to  accept those who are  gay. More and more we accept people for the quality of their character than for any other reason. After all, stripped to its core, prejudice is nothing but fear and/or misunderstanding of the unknown.

On the other hand, one of the reasons gays who have come out of their closets are

respected is because they have had the courage to openly present themselves to the world as who they are. They have largely dropped the circus atmosphere that surrounded the first generation of gays who came out. Instead, The group of gay men coming out are more apt to be doctors, teachers, pastors, business leaders or one of thousands of other professions for which they are already judged to be members of the upper levels of the common man than any thing else including their being gay.  They don't ask to be given anything. They ask only to be judged by the quality of their character and just importantly by what they can contribute to our society. Only the most truculent homophobes even try to deny the recognized contributions to society by homosexuals over the centuries as well as those now coming out who are already more often than not professionally successful, affluent and ready to contribute.

In contrast, bisexuals are perceived as dishonest, self-centered, shallow, untrustworthy and incapable of acting in the interest of anyone except themselves. How did this view of bisexuals develop so quickly since it has only been a few years that the general public thought homosexuals and bisexuals were just the same thing; or, at most bisexuals were homosexuals who had not yet had the courage to see themselves as homosexual, I know I did for years. I simply did not understand why I had these seemingly irresistible desires that were mutually destructive of all I loved. Either way I went, my life was going to be adversely impacted, perhaps destroyed.

And such destruction was not an abstract idea. The web was and is still, alive with men who  have destroyed everything they ever loved. Some of these men have fallen from the ranks of very successful providers for their families and from positions of responsibility and community respect to men who have nothing in an inconceivably short time. Some sought help through counselors or organizations who promised to "fix them." Some embraced the desire that had cost them all they had, and began to have male/male sex anytime, anywhere and with anyone who was available. Some were in such shock they simply existed from day to day. Some, reaching the utter bottom of their lives, took the only out they could see and ended their own lives.

The lack of will to climb one's way out of ignorance can indeed be disastrous. Strangely enough, the failure to gather one's will to entertain new ideas often can be traced to a lack of will to confront one's parents or challenge religious beliefs of one's parents. The centre of the Wheel of Life. In the image above: ignorance is represented by a pig; attachment/desire is represented by an Indian bird known for its attachment to its mate; aversion/anger is represented by a snake, since it is quick to strike. I think the ancients showed great wisdom in placing all these conflicting elements of our lives at the very center of the Wheel of Life. How we each deal with these conflicting elements determines whether our lives will be happy and successful or miserable and hopeless.

There are, cf course those who have been much luckier. Those who found they could manage the duality of both their own sense of guilt over their male/male sexual explorations and their obligations to their wives and families while continuing to pass as straight guys, did relatively well. I am one of these.  Others turned to formal or informal counseling. Those who found the right counselor and worked tirelessly to come to a new understanding of themselves also, more often than not, found in themselves something they could live with. They began to form new paradigms that supported and defined their non-straight sexuality.

For some, the new paradigms allowed them to be bisexual but not act on it if they were already married to a woman. Others found they could handle occasional male/male liaisons so long as they limited the activity.

In my younger days before the world wide web, I thought I was the only man on earth who both loved his wife, had a great sex life with her; yet could not shake the thoughts or desires for sex with other men.

The truth, I later found, is far different. There are hundreds of thousands of such men around the world. Just finding that out helped, but it left much yet for me to understand.

Jack Scott

NFL 2020

I enjoy NFL football.  I  have  had season  tickets  to t he  Houston Texans  games   since the inception of the franchise. Watching an NFL game either in the stadium or on HDTV at home is a great experience though watching at home is a very different experience from watching live in the stadium.

Watching at home gives one immediate insight into the game through the work of

professional commentators who give a running commentary about what is going on down on the field. Most long time fans can keep up pretty well; but for newer fans, the commentary can be very useful. This year has been a strange year in the number of rarely seen penalties that have been assessed leaving even the most knowledgable fans in the dark.

One such penalty was in week seven in the game between the Patriots and the Jets.  Jets kicker, Nick Folk was wide left on a 56-yard field goal attempt, but the miss was negated when New England's Chris Jones was called for unsportsmanlike conduct on a 15-yard penalty that never had before been called in an NFL game. Fans in the stands as well as fans watching on TV at home were left wondering, "What the hell?" How was Jones guilty of unsportsmanlike conduct?

Referee Jerome Boger explained in a pool report that Jones was called for pushing his teammate "into the opponents' formation." Umpire Tony Michalek threw his flag "almost instantaneously as he observed the action," Boger said. "We just enforced it as he called it."

It was the first time such a penalty had ever been called in the NFL. Soon enough, the commentators were briefed and explained the penalty to the fans at home. 

Watching at home in a comfortable recliner in a temperature controlled room where beer is six or seven bucks cheaper than in the stadium is also a big plus. There are other pluses of watching from home.

To me the big pluses of watching in the stadium are tailgating with friends before the game and watching the game in the presence of 60,000 to 70,000 other fans who sustain the excitement of the game with their cheers, boos and outlandish costumes. Game day in the stadium is a holiday.

But as every fan knows, NFL football is changing and changes in NFL football trickle down to college football, school football and even to kids football leagues. Unfortunately, some of the changes being made for health reasons and are justified on that account, but take some of traditional excitement of the game, especially from the fans who love to watch the hard hits. The hard hits are great to watch (though they often come at great expense to the player taking the hit as well as the player delivering the hit). As for me, (and I may be the only NFL fan who would say this) I enjoy the artistic nature of the game. These highly trained and motivated players often seem to defy human limitations in their athleticism. It takes on the nature of an art form to me.

It's important to remember though that football has always been a work in progress. In the beginning

there was very little or no protective gear. When helmets first arrived on the scene they were simple stitched leather coverings which really did little to protect a players head. Helmets have evolved into technological masterpieces which greatly enhance head protection. Pads, shoes and other protective gear have also evolved considerably, but the evolution is not over by a long shot.

The NFL has recently begun a video series on what fans might expect football to be like in the year 2020. In the series, they look at equipment as well as other changes almost certain to come to pass. 

One non equipment change they speculate on is the first NFL star to come out of the closet as a gay man. When it happens, and it will happen, football will be revolutionized as will the way America looks at gay men.

Take a look at NFL Football Episode 1, Look and Feel in the year 2020 by clicking on the URL: 

2020 NFL

Jack Scott

So You're Bisexual or Gay and Married - Now What?

I've spent years writing to gay and bisexual men encouraging them to look at their lives with a large dose of introspection and strive to come to peace with who they are. I'm always pleased when I get letters from these guys telling me I've been helpful to them; but I never really get to know how much they have actually accomplished because I've never met them in person and I don't have the luxury of staying in touch with them over a period of  years to see how it all turns out. Sometimes I'm pretty confident a guy has really gotten his act together and will stay on course to a better life. Sometimes I'm fearful a guy has ultimately been overwhelmed and ended up in very bad circumstances.

I have had the good fortune to have worked with a small number of men personally and one on one to encourage them to take action to change their lives. I'm happy to say none of the men with whom I've been able to work with personally have failed to make significant changes in their lives and find happiness at levels previously unknown to them. For the most part, at levels they were previously unable to imagine.

Changing one's life patterns is not an easy thing to do. It takes years of hard work and the willingness to never give up. It takes both the inner courage to step into the unknown and the emotional stability and

courage to function in a time of transition in which every value one has ever held is being rexamined, updated or jettisoned.

Such a task is so difficult that I am not surprised at all that the people who do the best are the people who have personal support to fall back upon. Changing one's life long view of himself is no easy task. Most guys simply do not have the tenacity to do it on their own. I think I was able to do it because I had the good fortune to be raised by a mother who taught me to question everything and by a father who taught me never to give up. It didn't hurt that I was inquisitive by nature and a "Type A" personality who was never satisfied with the status quo. Even so, it took me many years to affect the change because I was very much alone and had no one to talk to or to give me advice.

I don't take meddling in people's lives for granted. It often gnaws at my conscience to know that in spite of my best intentions, what I have said to someone could end up opening the doors to tragedy for him. Reclaiming one's life from the wrong path is no easy process. I'm always afraid some guy has absorbed just enough of what I've tried to tell him to get himself in even more trouble, but not nearly enough to get his life on a new and successful path.

I've spent so many years trying to get guys to change the direction of their lives, I was surprised a couple of years ago when I began to hear more and more from guys who have found renewed happiness in another way. It's a complicated thing, as it always is when human sexuality is concerned, but basically these guys have not so much changed the direction of their lives as they have reexamined their lives, their wants, needs and circumstances. They have decided to be satisfied with what they have and choose to be happy, rather than take a risk that might lead to the loss of everything they worked for all their lives.

More often than not, these guys have experienced all the pain, anger and sense of not fitting in anywhere that I experienced while trying to understand myself. However, for reasons that differ somewhat with each man, once they came to know themselves as either married gay guys or married bisexual guys, the knowing and the self acceptance were enough for them. They felt no irresistible compulsion to explore a new life style of sexual intimacy with both men and women. At first, I was skeptical. Based on my own experience, I couldn't really believe such a thing possible. But as more and more men described their experiences to me, I had no choice but to see what they were doing as a real alternative reaction to dealing with one's sexuality and circumstance. In fact, not only was it a real alternative, in some cases it seemed to be a very wise alternative.

I have often spoken of a close friend of mine in my writings, using him as an example of one thing or another. His way of dealing with his own homosexuality helps to illustrate one side of the point I am getting to. He was married for 25 years. These were, he has often told me, the worst and most unhappy 25 years of his life. For all of the 25 years he was miserable in his marriage. It wasn't that he and his wife didn't have many of the trappings of a good marriage. They had more than most. They had one of the nicer homes in town set on a large acreage. He was making in excess of 100K a year in a job he loved. In the 25 years they had conceived three living children who were bright, well adjusted and a source of real pride. I have no doubt, even today, had his wife been a different type of person, he would have never left her. But as it was, she was demanding, controlling, unappreciative, snippy, quick to see something bad in every situation and unwilling to ever see the good in any situation. Living as a married homosexual man was bad enough for my friend, but living as a homosexual man married to an unrepentant bitch was simply too much for him. His wife was exactly like her mother, and he knew that with each passing year she would get harder to live with just as did her mother. His father-in-law dealt with it all by simply giving up. He never voiced an opinion. When she told him to jump his only question was, "how high shall I jump dear?" And my friend saw that his mother-in-law still talked about her husband like he was a dog. She was simply unable to have respect for anyone or anything.  He couldn't see himself playing the role of  his father-in-law.

When he made the decision to come out of the closet and live his life openly as a gay man, he first told his siblings, then his parents. Next he told his children saving his wife until the last. He had expected support from everyone except his father and his wife. Much to his surprise, his father was also supportive. He had not misjudged his wife however. Her anger and rage knew no boundaries. She physically assaulted him. She screamed and cried and carried on simply refusing to accept any of it. The problem was, she made it clear she was more concerned with what their friends would think than she was concerned with anything else.

My friend is a big strong guy. He could have easily defended himself from the physical assaults, but he knew better than to touch her and give her cause to involve the police, a situation that would likely land him in jail. Instead, he simply walked away from it all with just the clothes on his back. He left her the house, the cars, the bank accounts, everything. He left the house with a single suitcase of this things. 

In the over six years of their separation, he has continued to send money every month. In fact, he sends the major part of his income to his ex wife and his kids. He has put one through college. The middle child will complete her college studies in 2014 and the youngest will begin college that year. Mike has sacrificed to get them through college and keep their mother in the house in which they grew up. Not every man would have been so generous with her. I'm afraid I fall into that category. But he was determined to be more than fair.

Had she been a different type of woman, I'm convinced he would have taken a different route, as I mentioned above; and that is exactly what I have heard from other men.

Over the last couple of years a number of men have shared with me their own reactions in the aftermath of coming to understand and accept their homosexuality or their bisexuality. Denial, or failure to

understand that they were different, had been a lifelong bitter pill for them. Strangely though, coming to know and to accept, in and of itself, seemed to bring peace to these men. Just knowing somehow seemed enough. As usual in this era, these are men who always knew they were somehow different from other men; but who, 40 to 50 years ago had no choice but to get married and raise a family if they wanted a successful life. It was what society expected and demanded at the time. Luckily for these men it had, in many ways, worked out for them. They loved their wives, they loved their kids and grandkids. They had a successful career and a place in the community. In return, they were loved and respected by their wives.

They had come to realize, they were married gay or bisexual men; but they did not feel their new born acceptance of it gave them license to chuck it all and go on a spree of any kind. Their were people they loved, people who looked up to them and respected them for whom they had real love and concern. This included their wives who had loved them, supported them and stood buy them through the years and been a mother to their children.

In the end, these men had been wise enough to do a simple risk-reward analysis of their options rather

than just run head long into the unknown of a new life. It didn't take them long to see that the risks they would incur far outweighed the possible rewards in a new and unknown path. It is not that there are not long term successful gay relationships, there certainly are; but they are certainly not yet the norm. Why, these men reasoned, give up a happy long term relationship for the unknown at a time in their life when sexual performance and stamina was on the downturn anyway?

For the bisexual men, the reasoning was much the same. Some I talked to had very enjoyable and substantial sexual relationships with their wives; and they loved their wives. Others were in marriages in which, for both partners, sex had become less than necessary; yet the partners were still committed  and loving companions who enjoyed each other company and the entitlements of being the parents of grown children as well as the joys of grandchildren. Why rock the boat? The risks simply outweighed the possible rewards.

My friend was not the only man I knew well who would have made a different decision had he been blessed with the benefits of a loving and supportive wife. My friend Bill was in the exact same position. From the first, Bill had know that his marriage was not a real marriage in any sense of the word. There was nothing common to a husband and wife that he and his wife had except for the fact that they lived in the same house and had children together. But the children were long gone and he and his wife lived in separate parts of the house. They had no contact with each other except what was necessary for the running of the house. They lived separate lives together. There was no love, no emotional closeness, no joy. No mutual support. Had it been different, Bill more likely than not, would have lived out his life as a married gay man.

As it is both of my friends are now out and happy for the first times in their lives living with their gay partners. Bill is finding out daily the common joy that comes with living with someone who loves him. It is a life he had never known in the past.

As for my other friend, he has very little money of his own now, but he has a good job and a partner he loves. He does not regret the loss of the material things he walked away from. He feels he got the best end of the deal by far. His life is far from perfect, but it is a life which makes him happy.

One of the things I have come to see clearly over the last 20 years is, there is no supreme rule for married guys who are gay or bisexual which, if they follow it, will assure their happiness. Instead I have come to see every man should be wise enough to do his own risk-reward assessment and make very careful decisions concerning the rest of his life. I have seen all to often the tragedy that comes from failing to do such an assessment.

I have done few things in my life without careful assessment and lots of thought and planning. Handling my own bisexuality was no exception. Unlike the two friends I have mentioned, I was blessed with a very happy

marriage and a wife who loves me dearly. We enjoyed a sex life that rocked our worlds. It never seemed to get old or boring. I did make the decision to experiment with my desires for male/male sex. I found it to be enjoyable, but I found it did nott hold a candle to what I had at home. For me a male/male relationship was much more about having a valued and trusted male friend than anything else. I was lucky enough to have a couple of long term relationships in which the bond between us was important. But in the end it was not lasting. I was also blessed to have a wife who I knew would cut me some slack, if she ever found out my secrets. I was not wrong about that.

Now, I have reached the point in my life due to health issues beyond my control in which sex of any

kind is not possible for me. I would have once thought I'd rather be dead than be in this position. I was wrong about that. Life is still good. My wife and I are still very much in love. We've found that love really has little to do with sex in the long run. It has much more to do with true friendships, mutual interests and a common outlook on life.

In addition, I still have close and intimate friendships with the two friends I've mentioned and a couple of other guys. These are not sexual relationships but just true friendships built on their own type of love and the mutual benefits that spring from such relationships.

Had I given up my "straight" life, I would have given up way too much indeed. Had I not come to understand my bisexuality and come to be at peace with it, I would have settled for way too little in my life. As it was I achieved the right balance for me.

One guy put a lot of it in perspective for me when he told me he had come to realize that millions of straight men see a lot of women whom they are sexually attracted to; but they don't pursue the attraction because they take their marriage vows seriously. Further more, they genuinely care about their spouses happiness and peace of mind. They care about retaining her trust. Therefore they make do with, just enjoying the eye candy and continuing to get their needs met at home. It can be the same way with a married gay or bisexual man. There is nothing wrong with looking and appreciating. Really nothing wrong with even a little lust. It can add fire to the primary relationship with the wife.

My wife and I travel a lot. In a few days we will be heading to Europe to see many of the treasures there. I'll never own art treasures or treasured antiquities; but fortunately, I don't have to own them to enjoy them. I can look for free. So it is for married gays and bisexuals who have decided that acting on their male/male desires is just too risky. They can look all they want for free and maintain the enjoyment and bonds of love and trust in their marriage when the marriage is a good one.

When I was sexually active with other men, I was a careful as I could possibly be to ensure my health and safety. But as it seems to be with everything these days, things are just getting more and more complex and difficult. There was once, not so long ago, comfort in the fact that if one did slip up, miracle antibiotics would put all back right. Now there are more and more of the super bugs which have increasing levels of resistance to even our most powerful antibiotics.

Once, not so long a go, a careful guy could spot the signs of STD's and steer clear. That is no long possible. For many of the present day STD's there is no sign whatsoever. They hide in plain sight ready to destroy one's life, maybe soon or maybe years down the road. It is a risk which simply cannot be accurately assessed, a risk which is better just avoided.

More and more, I talk to gay guys or bisexual guys who are joining their partners in complete medical workups before they have unprotected sex. I think these guys are doing the right thing these days. At the same time, I see a bigger number of guys who simply live for today thinking they are bullet proof. It's a fools game. I'm old enough to have lost a number of friends to AIDS. The threat is mitigated now, but it is not absent and even if the right against AIDS is won, there are plenty of other life changing or life threatening STDS out there to take its place.

To me it all simply adds up that simple risk-reward assessments should be the norm for any sexually active person. It is so much easier to ruin one's life that it is to put it back together.

My experience has taught me that identifying and coming to terms with our sexuality is a must. However, once that task is accomplished, there are many paths to happiness and fulfillment. The problem is, for any given individual, there is, more likely than not, only a single path that will lead to personal happiness and fulfillment. For a married man who has come to understand and accept his sexuality, the second task is to carefully assess and examine the possible path to determine the best one for himself and for those he loves.

Men of a certain age, made choices years ago. It is not too late for them to make wholesale changes in their lives without wrecking or damaging the lives of others. I'm certainly not adverse to men making the changes when their situation is no longer bearable, but that is not usually the case. For me, I would be lost now if I had chosen to end my marriage. I could have never replace the love and support I enjoy with my wife. It would have been so sad for me to give up what I spent a life time building simply to die alone.

So, you're married; but you're not straight. What now? Well, the answer might be closer to home than you think. It might also involve a brand new start. Think carefully, for men over 50 you'll probably live out your life with the choices you make now, good or bad!

Jack Scott

NBA Welcomes Gay Player

A few days ago Jason Collins officially came out of the closet as a gay athlete. The news has perhaps been notable for the lack of controversy Collins' announcement stirred up. There was none to speak of.

Collins is a respected and admired NBA athlete. The reaction of many of his fellow athletes was that they had previously not a clue concerning Collins' homosexuality.  Several of his fellow athletes commented that this was a great testimony to Collins and the way he has handled himself as a gay athlete.

No one has uttered a word about fears of sharing a locker room with Collins. Perhaps, since they have shared a locker room with him in the past without having a clue that he is gay is more than enough reason to think it is not big deal. The reality is, it isn't a big deal. That is a remarkable indication of just how far we have come as a nation in a relatively short time period. The average American now seems to think that a persons sexuality is his personal business and none of the public's business. That is the way it should be.

There can be no doubt Collins, who has conducted himself with integrity and respect for his fellow athletes, will continue to do so now that he has told the world he is a gay man. Hopefully as the impact of his announcement settles in on the sports world, he will continue to be treated in the same manner by both his fellow athletes and the fans.

Such well known athletes as Charles Barkley, LeBron James, Magic Johnson, Shaquille O'Neal and Jerry Stackhouse were quick to offer their public support for Collins. “This was a great day for the NBA," said Barkley.

At 34 years of age and a current contract with the Washington Wizards worth more than 1.3 million dollars, Collins is in a good position to weather any adversity his announcement might cause. What he has done cannot help but have a positive impact on young gay athletes throughout the world. No one is under the impression that Collins is the only athletic star who is gay. Hopefully his courage in becoming the first NBA star to go public will encourage other professional athletes to do the same.

My dream, and the dream of so many others has been that the day will come when a person's homosexuality will be no more newsworthy than another's heterosexuality. The reaction to Collins seems to indicate we are drawing ever closer to that dream.

Thanks Jason for your courage and for your example.

Jack Scott