Monday, August 15, 2011

"I'm Married To A Bisexual Guy, Will It Work"

Blogger is pretty good about giving those of us who use the tool resources to help us make our blogs interesting and informative. Blogger supplies much of the technical skill; all those of us who actually write the blogs have to do is have a little talent to come up with an idea and put it in writing.

But today Blogger actually supplied me with an idea for a blog. Blogger keeps track of various statistics that have to do with the blog. One of the things it keeps up with is the keywords people use when performing a google search that results in a reader accessing my blog at 

Today I noticed that someone had ended up here at my blog after using the keywords, "married to a bisexual guy will it work." Those words caught my eye because I've written a lot over the last few years about marriage and bisexuality; and even though I've tried to be empathetic to the fact that a bisexual guy's marriage might include a straight female, I've always written, more or less, from the bisexual guy's point of view.

It's not that I don't understand the wife's point of view might be different concerning being married to a bisexual man, I do. As one might suspect, more often than not, what I hear from wives are angry and bitter comments resulting from their being deeply hurt when they found out, usually accidentally, that the man they are married to is a bisexual or homosexual man. The way most bisexual men understand their bisexuality is esoterically and it is rare for anyone else to have any understanding of it at all.

It happens, only rarely, that I hear from a wife who is seeking information; but here in the information that Blogger supplies me, was notification that somewhere out there is a woman who knows she's married to a bisexual man and she is wondering if her marriage will work long term. It is a question that very much deserves an honest, thoughtful and sympathetic response.

An honest answer has to begin with these words, "It can work." There are many wives who have chosen to make it work; and not just work grudgingly or for some misguided sense of religious, social or family obligation, but really work. Some women have genuinely made their marriage work and have continued to be happy in their marriages and in love with their husbands.

I guess those last few words in the paragraph above are one of the keys to whether or not marriage to a bisexual man will work. If the marriage has not been happy, if it has been stressful for both partners, if fighting is the hallmark of the marriage, then finding another big source of  dissension will more than likely be the last straw for the marriage.

If the marriage has been happy or relatively happy and satisfying to both partners up until the point that bisexuality was introduced into the equation, or if a woman is contemplating marriage to a man who has told her he is bisexual, then certainly the marriage has a chance to work. It may even have a better chance to work than does the average marriage since the average marriage in the United States does not work and does not survive. A woman entering into a marriage with a bisexual man after what surely must be a well thought out and openly discussed situation probably means the couple enter the marriage better prepared for what is to come than do the average couple.

The same goes for the marriage of a woman who has been happily married to her husband for several years and then discovers that he is bisexual or he comes out to her as bisexual.

I have actually talked to men whose wives were told about, or whose wives found out about, his bisexuality and the new found knowledge caused not a ripple in their relationship. Such a thing is, to my knowledge, exceedingly rare, but it does happen.

My own marriage had been solid for many years and was a genuinely happy and successful relationship when I told my wife about my bisexuality. Ultimately, the marriage remained genuinely happy and successful. That does in no way mean that she was glad to receive the news. She wasn't. I can't imagine that bisexuality could be introduced into a marriage without complicating the marriage. For most men, their bisexuality has complicated their lives from boyhood. It has never not been a problem for him. Dealing with the problem has always been frustrating and painful. Introducing it into his marriage openly will without doubt bring problems, frustration and pain to the marriage. Bisexual men are not stupid, they're just bisexual; and they know there will be severe repercussions if their bisexuality comes to light. 

That is why so many men do everything they can to keep it from coming to light. Honestly, it is not that they want to be deceitful or dishonest. It is not that keeping their bisexuality in the closet lets them avoid pain and frustration. Every closeted guy has to deal with the secret he knows that his wife does not know and every closeted guy has plenty of pain and frustration to deal with too.

So, how does the woman who is married to a bisexual guy figure out if her marriage can work? Part of figuring it out consists of decisions she has to do on her own in the privacy of her own mind and heart. She may even need the help of a qualified psychotherapist or psychologist to help her gather her thoughts and feelings and examine them as dispassionately as she can. The emphasis on the words "qualified, psychotherapist and psychologist" is important. Seeking help from someone who is not knowledgeable and tolerant about human sexuality will not be helpful. That means that a woman who seeks help from her evangelical Christian pastor will rarely find real help. 

Such a discussion puts pastors on the radical Christian Right between a rock and a hard place and there is no telling where he might fall out. They may take the tact that divorce is sinful and insist the woman make the best of it. They may take the tact that bisexuality is a choice and can be fixed and thus give the wife false hope about turning her husband to heterosexuality. Either tact will not help with the problem.

Once the wife has thought through her own reaction to the idea of being married to a bisexual man, either on her own or with help from a qualified counselor, she must then take the next step of finding out exactly what she is dealing with if she is considering staying in the marriage. Bisexuality is not a point on a graph. Instead is is a continuum along a rather broad array of needs, desires and actions. She must find out what her husbands needs, desires and actions involve and what, if anything, he is able and willing to give up or modify. She must then make her final decision about staying in the marriage or dissolving it.

Among the first things she should determine to the best extent possible through conversation with her husband and review of their marriage or courtship is whether or not he is actually a bisexual man or if he might actually be a homosexual man. The difference is important.

The truth is that self examination and thoughtful introspection is so painful for some men that they just avoid it. They end up labeling themselves as bisexual men based on nothing more than the fact that they are married and yet they think about sex with and/or have sex with other men. Often, even self applied labels are invalid. Many married men in their fifties and sixties are homosexual men. They married years ago not just to deceive themselves or their wives; but because at the time, it was the only choice open to them that held any promise at all of a happy and successful family life.

An honest look at and an open discussion of the marriage will point to man's real sexuality. If the wife has always been open and willing as a sexual partner, but her husband has often been unenthusiastic about sex or unable to perform sexually, it is a strong indication that he is not bisexual but perhaps homosexual. Homosexuality, like bisexuality is not a point on a graph. It too is a continuum on a wide spectrum of needs and behaviors. There are homosexual men who can convincingly perform sexually with their wives and father children, but often the normal emotional bond that develops between a man and his wife is missing. Because both partners are frustrated constantly with him knowing the reason for the frustration and her having no idea about the real reasons for the frustration, fighting is often a way of life in these marriage. Anger and recriminations abound.

There are two scenarios in which I personally have seen such marriages survive. The first is in a situation where the man provides social status and position to the woman and the woman is more than willing to accept an unsatisfying sex life in trade for the social position and status that is important to her. The second is in a situation where the women don't care for sex anyway and the reality is she is glad to have her husband get it somewhere outside of the marriage bed so long as he does it discreetly so as not to endanger his wife's standing in the community. I have personal friends who have successfully lived these models for years. The husband and wife are good friends, they enjoy each others company and the joy of kids and grandkids. They even enjoy traveling together and actually from all appearances have happy marriages. They just do not have a sexual relationship. She live her life and he lives his.

If a woman determines that her husband is indeed homosexual, the chances of the marriage surviving go down in the long run. As a homosexual man he, more than likely, cannot emotionally relate to her and as he ages the need for an emotional bond becomes stronger. Add to that the fact that coming out is getting easier to do. The burden it brings is easing. I have three personal friends who were married homosexual men. In two of the cases, the men simply finally grew tired of the constant fighting and bickering. They both realized that they were largely responsible for it simply because they were hiding a huge secret from their wives. The wives knew something was wrong, but the fact that they could not figure it out simply added to the wive frustrations, their temper tantrums and their unhappiness.

Both of these men initially intended to stick it out until their children graduated from high school. In the end, both came to see they were not doing their children any favors by subjecting them to witness the constant altercations. In both of these marriages, the altercations became physically violent, not on the part of the men, but on the part of the women. I am convinced that the women became violent simply because they were at their wits end. The marriage was not working and they could not figure out why.

Unfortunately, when each man made the decision to end the marriage and come clean, the atmosphere was so tense and so poisoned that the violence on the part of the wives continued. Both men were, fortunately, smart enough not to be drawn into this violence and simply extricated themselves from it. One walking away from everything he owned with just the clothes on his back.

I personally know of only one case where a marriage ended peacefully when the man told his wife he was homosexual. In that case, the children were grown, the wife was self supporting and she was a member of a fringe religious group. The couple was relatively well off and the husband willingly divided their assets equally between them. In my opinion, she accepted the arrangement because in her mind he had become a lost soul that she wanted nothing to do with and was happy to be rid of because of her religious beliefs.

The woman who finds she is married to a true bisexual man is in a much different situation. By definition bisexual men can and do function well in both the straight world and the homosexual world. My wife knew me intimately for 37 years without a single clue to my bisexuality. For many of those years I was struggling with it mightily but managed to shield her from the struggle. For 11 years I was actively engaging my bisexuality and continued to shield her from it. Bisexual men can and and do often function well in both rolls.

It is important to note that I love and have always loved my wife. It is important to note that I love and have always loved my family. It is important to note that we started out with nothing and worked side by side to build our dreams and we achieved those dreams and more than we had dreamed.  It is important to note that I am socially and emotionally a straight man. I have no desire whatsoever to be in love with a man or to live with a man. A man is simply a physical attraction to me; and as I stated before, there is every reason to believe that is an esoterical thing that bisexual men understand and others do not.

One of the things that most women do not understand is that when they discover their husbands to be bisexual, they cannot honestly hope to bargain with him to save the marriage by putting constraints on him which he cannot meet. One woman I personally know of recently told her husband she would stay in the marriage, but he had to complete a class in reparative therapy. He made a valiant effort but was eventually honest with himself and with her that the technique was just snake oil. It had no real value or effectiveness. In the end, he initiated the divorce because he was honest enough with himself and his wife that he knew he could not meet her demands for saving the marriage. 

This man was a physician. He was prominent in his community and in his church. It is not that he wasn't faced with a situation where there were no "good" choices. That is exactly where he found himself. But a bad situation was made worse by his wife. Because she was hurt and emotionally traumatized, she let herself give into her emotions. She too was faced with a situation in which there were no "good" choices, but there were choices that were better than the others. In her emotional state, she made the worst choices possible. She was bitter enough and hateful enough that she did everything she could to ruin him including spreading the reasons for the divorce to his children and to all other family members as well as spreading the news to the church members as well as to those who had been who had been their friends. She was so intent on ruining him that she did not stop to consider she was damaging the lives of their children, her own life and the lives of others.

Sometimes women will offer to stay in the marriage if the husband will vow to give up his male/male sexual activities. Honestly hoping to save his marriage and his family which he truly values he will agree to the condition. The problem is he can agree verbally. More often than not, he cannot agree realistically. Bisexuality is a drive just as heterosexuality is a drive. Ask yourself. How many men could willingly give up their heterosexual activity. There are some, but they are far from the norm.

Bisexual men fall into several broad categories. There is the man who simply desires a close male friend. The friendship is the thing. Sex is secondary and usually consists of mutual masturbation and often not much more. More often than not there is only one partner and he is another married man. Such activity is relatively harmless and not apt to be subject to STDs.

Other bisexual men feel compelled to meet multiple men, strangers, and have unprotected sex which involves penetration. Such behavior is dangerous to the man and to anyone having a sexual relationship with him, including his wife.

Still other bisexual men have multiple sexual partners but are conscientious about only having protected sex. Such behavior is not without risk, but the risk is mitigated.

Most married bisexual men, whatever category they fall into, love their wives and families. They simply have struggled to deny their sexual urges and have found that in spite of the struggle they cannot control their compulsions.

Honestly, in the course of my life, I have know a number of men who were promiscuous heterosexual men. I used to work with a couple of these men. We were in a job where we traveled a great deal. These two men never spent the night alone. They were always able to find a woman to share their bed. I have to admit, I have a problem, even as a man, with rampant promiscuity run amuck whether it is homosexual, heterosexual or bisexual.

The woman who has found she is married to a bisexual man has much the same obligation as the woman who is married to a heterosexual man. She has to try to figure out what she is faced with and what she can live with because most men at some point are going to have sexual partners outside their marriages. I'm not implying anything other than that is the reality of things.

In my case my sexual partners have always been relatively inexperienced and have been my monogamous partners for years. The truth is that I have always been scared to death of the possibilities of contracting an STD and that fear has kept me cautious and constrained in my activity. My wife knows me well enough to know that I'm telling her the truth when I tell her that. Its one of the reasons she did not end our marriage.

The other reason she did not end our marriage is that by the time she found out about my bisexuality it had been an active part of my life for many years. She had never known and there had been no ill effects to our marriage. The marriage was strong. She simply decided she was not going to end something that was important to her when really nothing had changed except that she knew.

So, the answer to the woman's question about whether or not her marriage to a bisexual man can work is, "Yes it can." It can work very well. There is not a single marriage anywhere in the world that is perfect, not one. All marriages have to work around issues of conflict. This woman is aware of one conflict in her marriage. There are surely others. Some may be far more troublesome than her husband's bisexuality. Through honest and open discussion and with an honest effort from both partners to safeguard and support the marriage, it can work.

Jack Scott


  1. Jack - great post and very helpful for laying out possible paths. I feel very fortunate as my wife is trying very hard and seems willing to accept this new situation while maintaining a (nearly) normal marriage. We do like being together and she is my best friend but she just can not give me everything I need - and she has certainly begun to accept this. We have never fought but I certainly was very frustrated and angry and hard to live with. Only after fully accepting my gay/bi inclinations with the help of a good therapist (and talking with my wife) did I reach that inner peace with myself and accept that this was who I am and that there is no shame in it (and no turning back). It certainly is not easy and there are lots of ups and downs - but the peace I am finding is worth it. I just wish I had done this 20 years ago! And it saddens me when I hear the wife doing that knee-jerk reaction of booting the husband out with out trying to understand the struggle going on in his mind.
    Thanks for the post.
    Tom from Cleveland

  2. Excellent discussion. I believe that male emotions and female emotions are wired differently, and that there is some truth to the saying of Henry Higgins (in My Fair Lady) that "Women are irrational, that's all there is to that."

    The fact that a mature, reasoned approach to the discovery that one's spouse is bisexual would minimize the resulting problems doesn't mean that the average wife will take a mature, reasoned approach. Part of the cause for that reaction is that any of them will assume that it's about them, and when it's not. They will feel betrayed, angry, hysterical, etc.

    I don't exactly know this from personal experience as I have never acted on the M4M side of my bisexuality. But after living with my wife for over three decades I know what would happen if (a) I did, and (b) she found out.

    We had friends who seemed to have a good marriage, but then one day the husband announced that he was gay (or bi) and split. I don't know whether either of them wanted to make it work at that point or not. Maybe in the same situation I would have done the same thing; i.e., the wife had become at least 100 pounds overweight. If my wife ballooned like that, it would cause me to lose interest in marital lovemaking, so maybe the weight issue was part of my friend's problem. I never spoke with him about it. He's now living with some guy in another state so I don't see him.

  3. I'm a gay man, divorced from a woman for the past 14 years. We had no children, and no reason to stay together. I'm now out--both professionally and privately, and would never go back to being closeted, living a dual life. I need to also add that being gay had nothing to do with the divorce. It was simply a bad marriage, and after 16 years, it was time for me to leave.

    However, I would never marry again, not to a man, not to a woman. If marriage should change, both legally and morally, and if I found the right person, maybe then I would consider it. But I don't believe in fairy tales.

    What I have come to realize is that I am a person who prefers to remain single, independent, and flexible. [Just the opposite of being married, but a valuable point that people are not willing to admit about themselves. It's OK to be single, and perhaps you're not the 'marrying type'!]

    Mr. Scott, I'm happy for your rare successful marriage, but as you know, it is hardly the norm. I've heard of such arrangements among married couples, but those circumstances along with your own, are far from ordinary. Your wife is an extremely open minded woman, and I'm certain the two of you are quite happy.

    However, I'm hoping that most married men in this situation will realize that their lives can be ruined by coming out the way you have done. Your circumstances are so unlike most other men.

    Unless the marriage is happy in all other aspects, I think it's much wiser to divorce for other reasons, keep the gay lifestyle under wraps until the divorce is settled, and then once you are free, go out and live your life as you choose.

  4. As a female subscriber to this site, it really makes me happy to read all of your posts. I have known my husband is bi-sexual since before we married. I am also bi-sexual so it wasn't a far stretch for my mind when my husband realized he was too! (I was actually happy to hear it!) This website interests me from the simple fact that my husband is not alone in his bi-sexualness. We have found there are alot of men that are, however, not many that will discuss it at length which is very helpful! Thank you all for your posts and keep them going!

  5. Mitzi, I too am a female reader. I'm glad whenever I hear of TWO bisexuals partnering; THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE. You are setting a good example, whether intended or not. I am a straight woman who can tell you that the "mixed orientation" debacle has all but destroyed life on this side of the fence. There is NO TRUST, no incentive to live honestly or commit. We've been hijacked to the core. I'm glad you have an honest, open and mutual partnership. As for me, I'm essentially through with men.

    1. Hi Anonymous straight wife, I am sorry to hear that your relationship is not all that great. I feel badly for both you and your husband/boyfriend. When my wife found out I was bi it was very hard on her too. At first she said some pretty hurtful things to me and I withdrew to some extent. Since I was active duty Military at the time it was easy because I was fighting in two wars. When I came back I just hid my desires more often, she ignored them until she was mad at me for something and then it would all come out. Yet because I loved her and wanted our life, I worked at it and learned to be honest with her. Over time she got used to the idea of my sexuality. The one thing that I think helped us is that I have never cheated on her. I kept my vows to her. She has made some compromises too. She apologized for causing me pain. She has gotten us a large collection of Bi and gay/lesbian porn. She role plays with me and we share some of my bisexual fantasies. We have been married for 11 years now and I am truly happy with her. She seems just as happy with me. We have a great sex life. Dose that mean men don't turn me on? Nope, I like looking at hot guys. My wife even thinks that I could have been happy with men too. A perfect 3 is what she calls me. Not sure if that is the case but hey whatever works. I hope that you find peace either way.

    2. Hey anonymous. The original post greatly concerned me because it made me believe that bisexual men were not capably of monogamy. I've known my partner was bisexual before we even got together. I am strictly monogamous but I love him and he's claimed to have committed to me as well. We've made agreements that I can do things to help compensate for his m/m desires. I hope it continues to work.

  6. "It is important to note that I love and have always loved my wife. It is important to note that I love and have always loved my family. It is important to note that we started out with nothing and worked side by side to build our dreams and we achieved those dreams and more than we had dreamed. It is important to note that I am socially and emotionally a straight man. I have no desire whatsoever to be in love with a man or to live with a man. A man is simply a physical attraction to me; and as I stated before, there is every reason to believe that is an esoterical thing that bisexual men understand and others do not."

    ... I have to comment on this. I'm not sure if the OP will ever read this, but...

    I literally could have written the above paragraph word for word. I just stumbled across your blog today and have been reading it for the past hour. I just printed that paragraph and am taking it to my next session with my therapist. I'm 40 and not sure how much longer I can continue 'in the closet'. I want to talk about this so badly, and yet, most times, I think my therapist looks at me like I am a fuckin freak. I'm envious of your openness with your wife. I want to do it, but I don't think I can...


  7. Anonymous 9/22/11, well you're not a freak no matter what anyone may think. There are literally millions of guys just like you.

    You did not choose to feel as you feel or desire what you desire. It is and has always been a part of you. You simply have to figure out a way you can deal with it or it will eat you alive. Only you, with some honest help, can decide what is the right way for you to handle it.

    If you don't feel you're getting the help you need elsewhere, I'd be happy to talk with you. Contact me at anytime. Ask me anything.

    Jack Scott

  8. My husband has been telling me for a year in subtle ways that he is bisexual. I have felt for a long time he was holding back and it made me soooo nervous that he didn't want me anymore. He just told me finally that he wanted to have sex with another man and he wanted me to know. He has, since telling me, been wearing my panties because it turns him on. He has told me he wants me to experience this with him and he wouldn't do it any other way. The idea very much turns me on, but again I am nervous because I am scared of losing him. We have found a male to experiment with. They text and I am a little jealous. This blog was helpful, but I saw nothing about a bisexual man sharing his experiences only with his wife, not alone. Is this realistic?

  9. Anonymous (12/4/11), I'm glad you have found the blog helpful.

    You ask a specific question and a good one, "Can your husband having sex with another man while you join in work?"

    There are a number of men who see this as something they want to try. The answer to your question is, yes it can work, but….

    There are a number of issues that must be looked at realistically. Some men are true bisexuals and desire to have sex with both their wife and their buddy. Some men actually get a sexual charge out of the fantasy of watch their wife make it with another guy. All this is good and well, but only if you are really into it too.

    The other issue is that some men want their wives to take part to continue the charade they are undertaking for themselves. If their wife is playing with the guy also, then the husband can continue to think of himself as straight, not gay. If he is playing with the guy alone, then he has to admit to himself he is either gay or bisexual. It is never a good thing for a man to fail to see himself as he is and to admit to it and learn to accept it.

    In your letter you pretty much indicate that you don't want to get into a male/male/female threesome. That is important. Your husband feels compelled to live his life. We all do. But he cannot live his life by compelling you to stray from living your own life. You must live your life too to be happy and if you do not want to do this thing, doing it will bring neither you nor him any real happiness.

    You must be true to your own self.

    As far as your jealousy over the other guy there is little to fear that your husband will leave you for him if your husband and the other guy are bisexual guys.

    On the other hand if they are both homosexual guys then there is at least an even chance or better that he could leave you for your buddy.

    My best friend lied to himself for many years calling himself bisexual when deep down he knew he was homosexual. When he finally got the courage to quit the lies, he knew he had to get a divorce and live openly as a gay man.

    For the first time in his life he's truly happy. By divorcing he gave his wife a chance at happiness to, but unfortunately she has chosen just to be bitter.

    You must accept that you are responsible for your happiness and you alone can embrace happiness for yourself. Trying to make your husband happy by doing something you do not want to do will bring both of you ultimately nothing but pain.

    Best wishes.

    Jack Scott

  10. Jack,
    Thank you. I've been w my husband for 10 years. I've always suspected his curiosity that he tried to deny. Last year he admitted that he had a sexual relationship at the age of 10 w a homosexual teenage boy. He's always felt guilt about this innocent abuse and buried it. The seeds were planted nonetheless. I love him so much, we have a wonderful marriage and children. Ive always enjoyed the softness of a woman and we have indulged in a few couples, where we women took the center stage. Over time DP became a desire for him and after consideration I found it very enjoyable.

    I have come to a crossroads now because he has asked to have another encounter where he actually has play w the other male. I don't know why but I'm heartbroken. I smiled, told him to give me time to contemplate it and gave him as much support as I could feign. This is a turnoff for me. I don't know if I can follow him down this road. I want him to have anything he desires, he deserves it, we all do. I feel like I'm losing my partner slowly and possibly someday he wont want me at all.

    1. It is hard to predict the future. He may love you and never want to leave you.

      However as you say, we all deserve to have our desires satisfied. That includes you. You cannot live your life with a broken heart, and you cannot sacrifice your life for his without consequence.

      I wish you the best in this unfortunate situation.

      Jack Scott

  11. i found out my bf is bisexual and he swears up and down he can control it and not sleep with men.. but for 4 years i keep catching him emailing me and talking nasty and trying to meet up in one day he will email about 20 men trying to get them to meet up with him.. when i catch this he swears up and down he was just playing around and just joking and none of it is real.. my problem is we have 3 kids together i refuse to catch anything with someone who wants to sleep around with alot of people..i tryed to explain it to him i can respect who he is.. but he cant except it to be a part of my personaly i just cant push my own feelings aside

    1. I don't blame you for wanting to protect yourself from the possibility of an STD.

      Evidently, he is either under the mistaken impression that "it" won't happen to him or he doesn't care. There seem to be two types of guys. Those that don't worry about STD's and those who do. I was always the latter type.

      Of course there are two types of heterosexual guys as well and there are many married guys who have frequent unprotected sex with a number of women. You would be just as wise to protect yourself from that too.

      Jack Scott

  12. Hey! Interesting reading... what I'd like to know is, do bi guys get married and stay monogamous to their wives? How do they cope? I'm going mental with frustration here. Help!

    1. Anonymous, in my experience most bisexual guys do in fact get married. Some of them know they are bisexual before they marry and tell the woman in their life about it.

      Others for one reason or the other elect to keep that part of themselves to themselves. Some bisexual men have the desires all their lives and never act on it. In my experience these men often lead quiet lives of pain and despair.

      Many men do have male/male sex outside their marriages. Some do this in spite of great guilt and some manage to do it with very little or no guilt at all because while they love their wives and enjoy a sexual relationship with her, it simply does not meet all their needs.

      Take it from me, if you are going mental with frustration, you will only see the level of your frustration increase until it gets out of control. That is not good. One should always be in control of such an important aspect of his life.

      Jack Scott

  13. Hi Jack, Thanks for your reply and for providing this blog.

    I'm open with my wife about being bi - and she's all good with it - in fact I'm pretty open about it in general. She's great, but sometimes.... I just need a man. I could never hookup behind her back - it's just not for me, and she's not keen on an open relationship, so as I see it - I can either leave the relationship or continue on as I am...

    I suppose I'm looking for another option or example of how this could work - but I fear there isn't one.

    What a shitty deal this thing is sometimes. :(

  14. Most of the "true" bisexual men I have met are incredibly loving and dedicated to their female partners to the "inf degree". If they have not explored their bisexuality in early life though they will want to explore it within the marriage. The big problem is the word "bisexual" refers to so many different people.

    I am in the most progressive artistic circles. It would be more socially acceptable and rewarding to say I am gay or straight. In reality I am a very sensitive bi man who had always preferred women. Which makes life extra complicated, because bi men are still seen as "gay and in denial".

    The real problem is bi men cannot be seen clearly. A religiously conservative gay man may attempt to be bisexual in authentically. While a socially and sexually progressive bi male will still be seen as "half-closeted" by his admission of same sex love.

    1. Yes, I agree with you. I think most truly bisexual men love their wives and families a greatly. I also think it is a shame that too many women married to bisexual men never allow themselves time to discover that. Instead they feel threatened with loosing him when, in fact, that is never going to happen on his initiative.

      Unfortunately, bisexual men are often seen as half-closeted as you suggest. They are also seen as selfish, manipulative and sexually promiscuous because they have sex outside their marriages.

      In reality, most truly bisexual men have their wives and one male in their sexual lives. It is homosexual men and heterosexual men that are often promiscuous. Of course, not all homosexual men are promiscuous. Several are my friends and I know they are monogamous in their partnerships. I also have straight friends who are monogamous in their marriages, but I have friends who re not too.

      But in relative terms I think almost all truly bisexual men want a long relationship with one buddy and with their wives.

      Jack Scott

  15. I have a feeling you're selling a lot of men short. Bisexuality doesn't give anybody a right to be unfaithful to their spouse. The sex drive is a powerful thing but to say a man cannot be expected to be faithful because he's also attracted to men is like saying a man who has a "thing" for older women can't live with a wife who is his age. Or that because a man had lots of female sex partners when he was single so he'll never be able to only have sex with one woman after he marries. We all change. And yes, we are supposed to change after we make a commitment and/or marriage. We change from being single and looking to married and committed. You do not have to act on sexual attraction to other people. You have to breathe. You do not have to have sex with anyone - male or female. You will not die without sneaking around with a man if you are bisexual. Trust me. You'll live. And if you are truly committed to being faithful you will be faithful. It's like people who are overweight. They say they want to lose but when you tell them how you lost fifty pounds by eating healthy foods they start telling you how they "can't" stop eating sugar/butter/bread/candy. Yes, they can. And yes, if you don't want to be having sex with a man, you can NOT do it. OR you can rationalize that it's a natural urge you cannot deny. I hope to god I never think I don't have the willpower to turn down a donut or a piece of ass.

    1. You raise some good questions that deserve to be clarified. I'm not sure my clarification will change your mind and really changing your mind or anyone else's is not what Im about. Instead my intention is simply to get guys who are struggling with their sexuality to think outside the box about their situation. So that is the answer to your feeling that I'm selling a lot of men short. I'm not selling men anything. I'm just challenging them to think and come up with something that works for them, brings them peace, stops the self hatred and allows them to enjoy their lives.

      The examples you use are presented as if it is a given that one can contend with the situation you describe with little problem. That simply is not true. The divorce rate in this country is over 50%. I can assure you that many of those straight men and a growing number of straight women who do not get divorced are still having sex on
      the side. As a psychotherapist, my wife deals with that issue constantly. It is simply hard for most heterosexual men to remain excited and avoid a sense of sex becoming stale when they have sex with the same partner year after year.

      Mind you, I didn't say it can't be done. My wife and I did it for more than 40 years, but it is simply rare. Most straight women quit submitting to sex along the time the enter menopause. Some married men tough it out. Some turn to other women, some to other men.

      You are of course right when you say we don't have to act on sexual attraction in the way that we have to breath. But the companion to that type of thinking is we don't have to be happy either. We can survive a lifetime being miserable and unhappy and unfulfilled. Many do just that. Is living that way preferable to yielding to sexual attractions. Each person has to answer that on his own.

      For me the answer was, "No."

      I know you will not agree with this. It will probably even make you angry, but I am faithful and committed to my wife. I have been since we were 16 years old. What's more, my wife who knows of my bisexuality and that I act on it considers me to be faithful and committed to her. She understand my bisexuality is not a threat to her. I don't want to live with my buddy or any other man. I want a male/male bond.

      Could I deny that need. You bet your life I could. I did for almost 30 years. I've just been much happier and mentally and emotionally happier in the last almost 20 years that I have not denied my bisexual needs.

      What has worked out right for me is not right for everyone. Some guys need to stay monogamous simply because they can not bring themselves to a point where the do not feel guilty. There is no gain at all in satisfying nagging desire just to trade it for nagging guilt.

      Thanks for a comment that made me think.

      Jack Scott

    2. Jack, your last 4 paragraphs express exactly how men living with their SSA should be free to handle it. It is sad, that in the 21st century we are so ignorant about male sexuality. The mental anguish men with SSA are subjected too, would be deemed cruel if it involved any other any other source of mental health issues. There is an organization, The Mankind Project that is seeking to enlighten men on important topics such as this. Thanks for you sharing your experience with SSA and your marriage.

  16. Hey! I'm married and been with my wife for nearly 7 years. Thank you so much for ur blog. We have one child together and I'm very much in love with her. I've struggled to identify my sexuality throughout my youth and I was hoping you could help, as a self-acknowledged bisexual. I've never been interested in a romantic relationship with a man and I actually have no interest in direct physical sexual contact with a man, except maybe mutual masterbation, however, I find myself turned on by looking at gay porn. I enjoy straight porn and only really feel comfortable/satisfied with physical contact/sex with women, but I'm worried I may be bisexual and unintentionally not being honest with my wife. I've masturbated with men online, but I've never had any interest taking it further... I tried experimenting by visiting a Korean Bathhouse to see how I felt in a more sexual setting among other men, and I really just felt uncomfortable being there. Its like I can be turned on looking at attractive men, but I don't have any interest in actually have sex with them... Does that mirror how you, or other bisexuals you've talked with, feel?

    Years ago I struggled badly with how I felt and felt indirect pressure from the outside world to define my confusing sexuality. I've grown more since then and now I'm more or less fluid and accepting with my sexual tendencies. But I'd like to gauge my feelings with your experience talking with other bisexuals...

    I don't feel like I'm missing out by not being with a man, and right now I don't feel like I need male contact to be happy. But I just want to be completely honest with my wife, and it pains me to my soul that I may be being dishonest with her. Thanks for any insight you can impart.

    1. Anonymous, I hope you see this. I have no way to contact you other than replying here. Without talking to you man to man for an extended period in which I can ask and liten to you answer, I can't say too much about your sexuality.

      However, I want to be as helpful as I can. Based just on what you have put in your letter above, it seems to me that there is a good chance you are actually straight and are identifying a normal healthy need to have a male friend with whom you can share anything you want in a confidential manner and on whom you can depend to pitch in and help you when you need it with bisexuality.

      If you read through this blog, you'll find that I mention several times that men are biologically wired to run in packs. That is the way we are meant to be. But in this society any man who gets too close to another man is immediately suspect. For most men, a loving and bonded relationship with their wives and family is the biggest need of their lives.

      However, for these same men, the bonded friendship of another man is also a need that must be met. Unfortunately, too many men are scared to death of loving another man. This is tragic. My friend and I were once sexual partners for many years; but though we are not any longer, we are still the best of friends. When I see him, I hug him. When we part company we kiss each other even when my wife is there. The love I have for him is not romantic. It is nothing like the love I have for my wife; but it is love of one man for another.

      My wife understands this and she loves him too as the brother she never had.

      I guess my advice to you would be to look at your needs and try to meet them wisely and safely. Don't worry too much about what people think.

      Jack Scott

  17. Jack - I appreciate your point of view, but I am hoping you are wrong by making statements such as bisexual men are not promiscuos. I am also hoping that there are bi-sexual men out there who are in love with their wives and are happily monogomous. After 25 years of a really good marriage, I found out my husband is bisexual when he was diagnosed with Hep B. I never had a clue. For most of our marriage he had been having sex with anonymous stangers and a few partners multiple times. After a bunch of therapy, his approach didn't seem "as bad" because he didn't have any emotional attachment, he just wanted sex. The last five years of our marriage before d-day were pretty dead sexually. I had a hysterectomy and gained 30 pounds. I thought he found me repulsive, so I assumed he wasn't interested. When I found out that my husband wasn't straight or faithful, I was devastated, suicidal and depressed. My Doctor gave me some really good advice and said - don't make any life changing decisions while you are in this crisis. My husband said that he spent so many years feeling ashamed for being bi and then tortured because he was cheating on me. I would have bet my life that he would never cheat on me, He was the only person I ever really trusted in my life. He also was becoming bored and less interested in his secret life and having sex with a bunch - and I do mean a LOT - of strangers that he met at gay bars when out of town, Craig's list and a local gay gym. After a year and a half, we are happier than we have ever been. We really know each other, and our sex life is great. He knows that monogomy is a show stopper for me. If he ever needs sex with a man again, I will give him a loving, discreet divorce. He swears he will never "want" that life again. I have my doubts, but I do believe he would tell me instead of cheating. So, I hope you are wrong about monogomy and bisexuality. As you said, bisexuality is a spectrum.

    1. If I said bisexual men are NOT promiscuous, I was wrong. What I think I said was bisexual men fall into several categories including promiscuous men who just want anonymous quick and easy sex.

      That is one of several categories.

      I am sorry to hear that you were suicidal and depressed when you found out about your husbands infidelity. It is not unusual though. Many women feel the same. Almost all feel some depression.

      Almost all women feel they are no long attractive to their husbands. This is quite wrong in many cases. True bisexual men are often still very much attracted to their wives.

      I think you confused the words "monogamy" and "promiscuity at the end of your comment. What you want is a monogamous marriage. What you do not want is a promiscuous marriage, I think.

      I do wish you luck. It is very difficult for a bisexual man who has been active to give it up, but some do because their wives are their real partners.

      Jack Scott

  18. Thanks Jack. I did mean that my choice is that I want a monogomous marriage. I have accepted his bisexuality and I have forgiven him for his infidelity. This was not easy and took a lot of time in therapy. He is the love of my life, and I don't want a divorce, but if he needs to have sex with a man or a woman for that matter, then I will end the marriage. That's my choice. It was his choice to honor that, and stay in a marriage with the love of his life. I do know that our "odds" are dismal. I think building the trust back will take the rest of my life, but I don't think he will cheat. He always had protected sex, but still contracted Hep B, so I think he loves me too much to put me at risk now that we have a very active sex life. I hope we make it, but I know we may not. Either way I love him and respect that he would never come out of the closet. He believes that he can live happily without M2M sex. Time will tell.

    1. I recently engaged in gay sex though i am married. U was very sloppy and left my email open and right there was plans to meet the day earlier. I was cought. My wife told that ahe knows i am gay sexual wise. She told me to wear protection and be smart about it. I never felt so much relieved joy. It is a new life for me. I met a nice married man in my same position. I now have a boyfriend. I am pushing her to explore her bi side. She has a 3 night trip planned with a shared room with another woman. I am so excited.

  19. My wife knew I was bi way before we got married. And all my ex-girlfriends and close circle of friends (straight men/women) knew as well. It never affected any of my relationships and I always thought I was lucky for that. Once I asked why everyone was so okay with it, and many said it didn't matter because my sexuality didn't change me. I'm married now and have a daughter and I'm committed to my wife just like any marriage should be. If you are straight and married, you're supposed to commit to your wife; so there is no difference in me being bi, I'm committed to her. Do I notice other guys? Yes, but I try to avoid that out of respect for my wife. I assume straight people do as well. They'll notice good looks and "check out" people, but if your a faithful spouse, then you won't act further beyond that. And if you have respect for our spouse (and other people) you should avoid it too. The only issues I've had are outside the relationship, other people talking or gossiping because they don't understand or are narrow-minded. They fully believe that I'm using her as a cover up and living a second life. It hurts, but what matters is her, me, and my daughter... no one else.

    1. I'm happy you found a way to make your bisexuality work for you.

      Unfortunately, one fix does not meet the needs of all bisexual men. Life is complicated and every relationship is different.

      Each person has to be able to assess his own situation and live the life that he honestly thinks best for himself.

      Jack Scott

  20. Hi Jack, my husband came out to me almost a year ago as bisexual. Coming from a religious family and a mindset that one is either straight or gay, it was difficult to understand that my husband is bisexual and not gay. We went to counseling and our counselor recommended many resources, but were mostly books about women who were married to gay men. So that only made it more difficult for me to believe my husband. It made it even more difficult not to doubt him. I lived in fear that one day he might fully come out as gay. He's reassured me time and time again that he's not, but it's so difficult when friends and books all discuss bisexuality as just a cover for homosexuality.

    I really want to make our marriage work. My husband loves me very much and we are still very intimate with each other. I've agreed to an open marriage so that he can explore his sexuality with men. So much of the hangups about his coming out has been mostly with me and our open marriage. It has been difficult for me to understand that bisexual does not mean gay and that just because my husband is having sex with another man, doesn't mean that he doesn't love me or doesn't want to have sex with me.

    Your blog has reassured me that my marriage can work. I know there's a lot of reflection and effort on my part to be more open and understanding that it took a lot of effort and courage for my husband to come out to me. I know that your blog isn't a definitive authority on successful bisexual-straight marriages, but it is helpful to be able to know that there are people out there who have experience or knowledge that these types of relationships can work. Thank you.

    1. Michelle, thanks so much for your letter. I am happy to confirm to you that we bisexual men really do exist. In fact, I know for certain from talking to so many men over the last 20 years that even bisexual men sometimes think they are gay since society is so set on branding them as gay.

      Bisexuality is difficult for men and their wives to deal with. If one is gay and has never had a great sexual relationship with a woman it is relatively easy to see how to seek fulfillment with another man.

      On the other hand when a man truly loves his wife and family and enjoys his sexual relationship with her, it is very frustrating when he comes to realize that he is not fulfilled and something important is missing.

      Human sexuality is not nearly so cut and dried as society would like to believe. We all fall out along a a lengthy continuum, and so there are many many different life styles along the continuum.

      I applaud you for being so supporting of your husband. I know that as hard as it is on we bisexual men, it is harder on you, our wives. For you to agree to an open marriage is a very giving and supportive step for you.

      I recommend that you set down with your husband and speak openly with him about how you define an open marriage and define the rules you want him to agree to. My wife asked that I be very careful about only seeing men who were unlikely to carry sexually transmittable disease. She asked that I try my best to have long term relationships with a single man and avoid promiscuous sex with many different men at all costs. Finally she ask that I never speak to her of the details of my relationship with another man. I was quite happy to agree with all those requests. If your husband cannot agree to avoid promiscuous sex with many men, you might want to agree to use protection in your own sexual relationship with him to avoid his bringing an STD home to you.

      As I said above, each man is different, but I would never have been fulfilled with casual sexual encounters. I wanted a friend first with whom sex was a secondary relationship. I have been lucky to always have that.

      You might also reassure your husband that you want to continue an active sexual relationship with him. Often bisexual men who find fulfillment of their needs with other men become even more active with their wives. Don't fall in to the trap of wondering how he compares you to his male friend. The two are so different that comparison is meaningless. Male/male sex is so different from sex with one's wife. With you he will continue to want love and support and the building and maintenance of your marital relationship. Just dwell on giving that to him and let him give it to you.

      I wish you the best. It can work out. It often does. It depends on if he is being honest with you and with himself in labeling himself as a bisexual man. Based on your letter, I tend to think he is.

      Jack Scott

  21. My Husband has been leaving hints, for years....I have been so deluded myself, him miserable and dishonest, though claiming to be....ugh.... this is such a relief. I was given and STD last year, he was my only partner, and after having HPV, I feel totally ruined, I only wanted to be good....beautiful, the ONE..... I let him do things to me, I did things to him,.....they were not ME....I often saw him just drift away during..... Our best sex was always after his "kinky, intense, selfish, "taking" sex.....Which i desperately craved, and would sustain me for quite some time b/c it seemed so special.......
    BUT dependent on his support, I literally felt myself "look the other way", and hence start an eating disorder, losing, gaining weight, acting and feeling crazy. I am so lost. I recently moved him out of our home AGAIN, 3rd time in 10 years, bc he won't leave, like I owe him something, his life...aaaahhhhh, and I get that too.... always had passion, volatile, experimenting, hating, loving, and most importantly; NEVER really knowing my partner....I wanted a Mate.
    I am open, I have lovers, or have, and don't plan to have many,totally honest and open about it, always have. And it is far and few between in relationships that have been going on for years...but everything with him is secret....I honestly think he tried to stop and contain himself committed to me and daughter, but I eventually thought he would kill me, or I would kill myself. He was so aweful.....Lube on doorknobs, stealing my undies, hiding toys, craigs list posts, wierd stuff, hated everything, and himself..... shit.
    I feel so complete with me, my loves, friends, mostly just friendship.....why is he in bath houses? Hiding? at the "Sleep Cheap Motel" has anal everything, wears Girls (my) undies, and cant explain a thing, like his 3 known male step outs? and why did I get an STD last year....? I am so depleted at the most important time in my life. I swear he hates me, wants me to fail....blames me for repressing him, and for being selfish, I just don't get it....he won't explain, I feel dis-formed as a female, when I should be enjoying my prime, and my prime is pretty PRIME....He says I suck, I say, he just hates my love, he wants another kind, kink, ass, force, ....I feel like a toy/object, I have been....but, not for 6 weeks,since I moved him out bc he would not....I saw quite a bit of things....I can't, not without knowing it.....and him not knowing or able to share with someone like ME? And all the years of abuse bc we were both tormented....Can't get to him...

    This blog has been fundamental. I have not left house in weeks, my business is suffering, he is so toxic, back at his folks, hates it, and me, and it is just so hard to know what I am dealing with here. Has always been hard....I have my issues too....but was always upfront, he just never seemed to care.....and maybe never will?
    So much love, so much hate. I am trying to be so civil, and still he punishes....If he can't explain this to me, how can I waste my beautiful years??? I have wants too.....
    I am so in love with him....seeing him crushes me, bc I know he is hiding from me, and on purpose bc he is too lazy/scared to admit he is suffering, I have known for years......F***
    I have internalized, twisted like a pretzel over the years, different hair, waxes, makeup, lingerie, lost weight and am MILF, rock solid, hit on all the time, but to him I am invisible, like he is jealous of strange...

    1. I am truly sorry for the hurt and dismay you are suffering and have suffered over the years. Letters like yours are not the normal ones I receive for women married to bisexual or homosexual men, but if yours were the only letter I received of this sort, it would be one too many. More often than not, the world is just not fair. You have been dealt an unfair hand for sure.

      As a young boy, my parents went out of their way to teach me that the world was not fair and that I had to learn to live in the world as it is in spite of the unfairness of it all. I think it was this valuable lesson in life that I became a realist and not an idealists.

      You cannot choose either the good or the bad that comes into your life. You can, however, choose how you react to it. Pardon me for using a personal example, but when I was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago it was a profound shock to me. I was relatively young for the type of cancer I had. I was, as my doctors said, in great underlying health and if not for the cancer should live into my late 80's or 90's. I had always thought I would do just that. But now I was being given a death sentence. I could not do anything about that.

      I had basically two choices. Accept a new life absent some of the things that had always been the happiest part of my life or sit and feel sorry for myself. I chose the latter. My life is not now what I wish it were, but I'm still happy. I enjoy my days. I look forward to the days I have left. I try to use each day the best I can.

      You have suffered an incredible blow, physically and mentally and emotionally. But you have the same choices. You can choose to hide in your home and be miserable or get out and hold your head up high and choose to be happy. I hope you'll choose the latter.

      It is particularly tragic that your husband did not take care to shield yourself and himself from STD's. It is a phenomenon I see all to often in non-straight guys. Too many seem to have the feeling they are invincible and of course they are not.

      Strangely enough, some of this behavior is caused by their concern for their wives. They fear falling i love with a guy so they choose not to see the same guy twice. This cause them to be promiscuous and to have sex with men they know nothing about. Thus the avoid the opportunity to fall in love but open the opportunity wide open for STD's.

      The reality is that for a bisexual man, falling in love with another man does not threaten his love for his wife. I've never heard of even one case in which that happened. I think that is because the love of a buddy and the love of a wife are two entirely different things described by the same word. Bisexual men are seldom emotional about a buddy. The sex is entirely different than with his wife. But men just don't get that.

      You are certainly right about your husband suffering. He is more likely than not suffering greatly. Suffering for what he is and what he has done to you and your marriage. I commend you for realizing that.

      You must decide if you want to leave him and seek the happiness you deserve with someone else or stay where you are.

      If I can be of help, please write to me again. I'm truly sorry for the situation you are in.

      Best wishes.

      Jack Scott

    2. Anonymous 11/1: You need to speak with other women like yourself. Only they can understand what it's like to walk in your shoes. Because they have survived (and flourished) after being in situations like yours, they can tell you exactly what to do to reclaim your happy life. Please click through the link on my name above and find my email address, then contact me so I can put you in touch with women who can help you.

    3. Jack, I am a married, bisexual man and can't tell you how helpful this post was. Several of your comments are almost identical to what I have been trying to tell my wife.

      Although we did discuss my sexuality before marriage, we both entered the marriage with the understanding that we would be monogamous. It has been about a year and a half, and it is already driving me crazy ~ not being monogamous, but feeling like I am losing part of my identity and that I will regret the decision down the road. I recently told her that I don't know if I can continue it.

      My wife has been amazingly open about this during our discussions, but is extremely hesitant to give up her belief in the traditional marriage. I can't say I blame her.

      Did your inability to act upon your bisexual side affect sex in your marriage? I believe this topic is severely affecting our own sexual relationship. Before we got married, she gave me a "hall pass", which I acted on. She initially thought that it would get it out of my system and was very hurt when I asked for another one a few months later. The sexual act I had with another man was actually a little disappointing, but during the few months between my requests, our own sex life improved dramatically (in fact it was amazing). I felt like a burden had been lifted when I thought it was ok to act on my urges going forward. After my second request was denied, I realized that she was hoping the one time deal would get it out of my system. Since then, I have had hope that this would change in the future, but worrying about it has had very negative affects on our sex life and I finally had the discussion with her that I don't know if I can refrain for the rest of my life. Do you think that this constant stress/worry could be the main culprit in our sexual issues or do you think I'm fooling myself into thinking the issue is that black and white? (sorry for the very long comment)

    4. Anonymous, you ask if my inability to act upon my bisexual side affected sex in my marriage. No, it didn't. I greatly enjoy straight sex and my wife and I were extremely good at it so I always enjoyed it.

      Once I reached the point where I felt I had to acknowledge the bi side of myself, I started to have sex with a buddy. This lasted for 10 years. During that 10 years, my wife knew nothing about it or about my bisexuality.

      Jack Scott

    5. Jack, if sex was not affected in your life, what was? What caused you, after so many years of marriage, to decide to go outside of it? Did you really not consider this cheating when you made the decision? Certainly you must have thought your wife would not have approved or you would not have kept it a secret. Regardless of how you saw the sexual acts, there was certainly dishonesty in your relationship at that point correct?

      I am not willing to go behind my wife's back. I know that it would devestate her if she ever found out and more importantly, I believe that suggests even bigger problems in the relationship.

      Could you describe what drove you to finally acting upon your urges? How did you feel during the time that this was an issue and you weren't able to act on them or hadn't yet decided you would? What affects, if any, did it have on your marriage? Am I to take your response as, as soon as you had any issue with not being able to act on your bi side, you immediately went outside of the marriage? Why is it ok to do that for sex and not other things in the marriage? If you want to buy something and she doesn't agree, is it ok to justbuy it and not tell her because that would be easier? I believe that you mention it in one of your other blogs, but could you referesh my memory on why you finally told her?

    6. Very good questions anonymous. Thanks for taking time to ask them.

      My life's story is somewhat unique. I became sexually active with other boys at a very young age, so young I didn't know what homosexuality was. The activity we involved ourselves in was the norm in the little town I lived in. Most boys participated. It was just normal.

      As I reached puberty, I became very interested in girls, but the play with my friends continued too. Even after I began dating girls, I still played with my friends. They were easier than girls and no chance of pregnancy.

      Not know how else to describe it, I just thought the male/male play was a substitute for heterosexual sex and that later on I would trade it for normal sex.

      I married at 18 and our sex life was absolutely wonderful. It just grew better and better and better. My wife rocked my world. What was affected in my life was my religious faith and the feeling that I was some kind of monster. Not knowing about bisexuality, I couldn't decide what was going on. I knew I was not homosexual because I loved straight sex beyond description and also couldn't get my mind off male/male sex even though I had stopped it upon my marriage.

      As years passed the urges got stronger and stronger even though I was more than satisfied heterosexually by my wife. And yes, I did think the thoughts were dishonest. It was the only thing in our lives I couldn't discuss with her.

      Finally, the stress of the situation began to affect me more and more. I began to read and study both religion and books on human sexuality. What I found was there was a thing called bisexuality and it is a normal expression of human sexuality. I also found that Jesus never ever mentioned either homosexuality or bisexuality even though both were openly present in his era in the Roman culture which he knew well.

      With all this reading and study my religious and social paradigms began to change, The constant urges and resulting stress had to be relived and so finally I started a relationship with a guy 12 years my junior. This relationship was sexual for 10 years. Much to my surprise, my sexual relationship with my wife did not suffer. If anything it got event better because I was a calmer, more satisfied and less stressed man.

      I'm not saying that it is okay to go outside marriage for male/male sex; but much of human behavior is not ok. It's not ok to be jealous of others, to lie, to cheat on our taxes or use others for our own purposes. The list could go on and on; but for some reason, people don't get as uptight about all the other sins of commission as the do about the sexual sins.

      My wife is a professional Psychotherapist. There is nothing she hasn't seen or experienced from one patient or another. I finally came to the realization that I could tell her and our marriage and relationship would survive and even continue to thrive. I don't mean I thought she would be glad to hear it, but she could deal with it. This was the only thing between us we didn't discuss, so I wanted to get it out in the open.

      Secondly, I was tired of making of lies to cover my time with my buddy. I didn't want to have to do that forever. I decided to tell her. There were tears and pain and a great deal of thoughtful consideration on her part. In the end she knew she did not want to end a good marriage over something that had always been a part of our good marriage even though she hadn't known it.

      Our marriage remains strong and committed. She knows that what I feel is no reflection on her. She understands she is first in my life. She understands that male/male sexuality from a bisexual standpoint has nothing at all to do with our heterosexual lives.

      Could an ordinary woman understand this? Not often. But my wife's education and profession gives her insight into all kinds of human failings. She knows there is much worse that can happen in marriages than bisexuality. She deals with it very well.

      Jack Schoo

  22. I'm a woman in a long-term relationship with a bisexual guy, and I like his sexuality. A lot! I find it liberating. His ability to express this part of his sexuality enhances our own intimacy. I find it a huge turn on to hear about his encounters with other guys. Protection is a definite ground rule and we don't have an open relationship. He does not have sex with other women and I don't participate in his encounters with other men. I just love him and want to be in a relationship that makes us both happy. I can't imagine that he would be happy if I asked him to repress this part of his sexuality, and I don't think I would be loving him well if I asked him to do that. Maybe that's not standard? I don't know, but I consider his bisexuality a huge plus and I'm glad that he is open with me about it!

  23. Jack,
    Great topic. Here is my question. I understand the complexity of different sexualities. I also understand the importance of being happy in life. What I don't understand is why you feel it's okay to have both a wife and a male partner. Does your wife have sexual relationships with other men and if she did/does, how would that make you feel?

  24. I have been reading this with great interest and as a shamed man. I am married for amost nine years. I have struggled with my sexuality for the past 5 or 6 years. I have been looking at CL postings and would very occiasionaly reply them, mostly couples seeking men. Sometimes W seeking M. I think this latter group was to deny my curiosity. I have not acted, or been in physical contact with any one. I was tempted and thought about it. I understand that my actons were unfaithful to my marriage vows and felt guilty everytime I responded to an ad. I did not feel guilty about looking at the ads even thought I did not want to get caught. Therefore I was careful, until my wife did catch me.

    I think I am bisexual and did not want to share this with my wife when I first started having these feelings/realizations for fear of this same result. We have 2 daughters with one more on the way. She haz done nothing but love and support me. We had a great sex life. O just felt like something was missing and tried to find what it was I lacked. I am pretty desparate now, we have been separated for a week and it is killing me. I went to a therapist for the first time in my life today. My wife told me she does not think she can move on from this. Any advice?

    She is rightfully very pissed, hurt, confused, feels trapped, everything

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  26. I just told my wife of 14 years that I have been cheating on her with many other men over the entire marriage. I didn't intend on telling her, it just came out! It came out as a lie at first, telling her that I had these urges, then the next morning I told her the truth, THE ENTIRE TRUTH.

    I'm completely dumbfounded that she is handling this so well, even thinking of my own feelings. I suspected after her telling me for YEARS that if I cheated she was gone. I'm finding I love her even more for how she is managing this betrayl and trust that I've pissed all over for 14 years, how can a person do this I'm thinking?

    Any suggestions from anyone on what to or not to do would be welcomed, I'm just doing my best to allow her space/time to deal with the anger and trust issues I've thrust upon her.

    I also thought I would be liberated or somehow feel better by simply telling her, but that has not happened. I'm really feeling guilt, shame and fear that she will leave me, again, selfish and self-centered.

    I read this entire blog and found it helpful, but hopeful that the pending therapy will help me figure this out. Meaning, I'm 100% convinced I'm not gay, but I do enjoy sex with another man all types of sex. I also really enjoy sex with my wife, I mean really enjoy. So "BI" is the only category I could possibly fit into, but I have no idea what that really means.

    I think I'm somewhat broken sexually because I would like the ability to be "allowed" by my wife to have sex with other men, but I'm convinced she wants monogomy and I want her far more than I want to have sex with other men. I must resolve this to keep my loving relationship with my wife solid.

    I currently view this as a selfish acting out to get "what I want when I want it!" I experienced male sex as my first sexual experience, I don't think it was considered molestation, it was truly consentual, and I've enjoyed it my entire life.

    The best way for me to describe it right now is a compultion similar to alcholism or drug addiction and I hope this is true because I think I can beat it if it's true.

    I'm slightly concerned when I read this blog that I may not be able to suppress or deny myself of these urges dispite my desire to stay monogomous with my wife.

    I'm open to discussion/comments and I plan to share this post with my wife.

  27. ok I should start from the begining. I have been married for 11 yrs. My husband and me were friends for six yrs and he told about him hanging out with a group of boys were they performed oral sex on one another but he stopped because he felt it was wrong. Enter 6 yrs later down the road. I found his email open one morning and had my suspictions that something wasn't right with him. He went from very open to being secretive about his cell phone and email. And then there it was on the computer and I went through it. There were adds from CRL for M4M and emails about him meeting guys and sending pictures of his penis and message chatting with some guys he met. So needless to say I freaked out. After I calmed down we talked he couldn't or didn't say he was bi. He said when I asked him if he was attracted to men he didn't know. So we got through that and he swore he hadn't been with anyone just emails. So happened again a couple of years ago now and I knew in my heart he wasn't telling me the truth so I lied about getting a STD from him and he confessed he had oral with someone 4 years ealier. To say that I was hurt was an understatement! I felt like my heart had been ripped out. We got through this and I point blank asked him after we talked about things was he attracted to men and he said no he was repulsed by it. And I left it at that. See I am the type of women that believes you shouldn't cheat on your spouse. You made vows and a commitment. I think he is bi but loves me. It hasn't happened since then and at no time did our love life ever suffer because of what ever we were going through. We are stronger today than we have ever been. I trust him again and don't think about playing detective. You can't live your life that way. See I know in my heart that if he does it again I will not stay with him. I love him with all my heart he is my best friend and the love of my life and I will always remain his friend and help him with what ever he needs but my heart cannot take cheating in any form. It is to painful for me. I don't know how you all do it. I do agree that there are bi people. I found this lady Bonnie Kay boy she says there is no such thing as bi only gay and I don't agree with that. There are couples that make it work everyday and stay monogomus to one another. I am glad that they can. My husband and I are making it work. It helped to read about this here. I am just one of those old fashioned people that if you marry and say vows and make a commitment then that means no cheating no matter what your sexual orientation is. I think if you can't deal with it be honest with your spouse and tell them the truth instead of cheating. That only compounds the hurt they will feel.

  28. I found out my husband was bisexual about a month ago. He assures me that he is committed to me, even though he is attracted to both men and women. In my opinion, saying you are bisexual means you are capable of having a relationship with either a man or a women. It DOES NOT mean that you have to have a relationship with both a man and a woman. I will not tolerate cheating. If my husband has sex with a man I will leave him. I have been very understanding of his bisexuality and have tried to incorporate some thing he likes into our sex life, but I will not tolerate cheating. I have looked at a lot of forums, and it seems like a lot of people want to use bisexuality as an excuse to cheat. If you are truly bisexual and not gay, you should be able to love and honor your wife and not cheat on her with another woman or man.

    1. I do wish you the best.

      You are, of course, well within your rights to insist on a monogamous relationship with your husband. I even agree with you that many men probably use bisexuality as an excuse for sexual relations outside of marriage.

      Keep in mind though that there are many models for a good, even great, marriage. My wife was not particularly happy to know I had a long term male friend. However, she was not willing to ruin a marriage that was very valuable to both of us and in which we were very happy over it. That is a valid choice too.

      I appreciate your comment. Lately, I have talked with a number of bisexual men who intend to remain sexually faithful to their wives. I think that is great.

      Jack Scott

  29. As long there are stupid women who dont figure out the simple fact that their husband is gay and what he is doing behind their backs(and the dangers of std and desonesty ) or women who are desparate and want to be married to a man even gay then, they will be always gay men in denial who will married these women and called themselfs bisexuals to justify their gayness and desonesty while they are married

  30. Starting with messing around with a male friend at a young age. An ongoing same sex attraction my whole life. Married with kids, didn't act out with another man until I was in my forties and decided one day to tell my wife that I was acting out. She wasn't as excited about this admission as the author's wife. A week after I told her my story, she was so stressed by the event that she became maniac and needed to be hospitalized. During her admission, I admitted to being a sex addict and decided I would also seek therapy.

    My acting out was a progression from spending large amounts of time with pornography, online gay dating sites, craigslist postings, book stores, bathhouses, etc.

    I sought out a therapist who is specially trained in dealing with sex addiction. My therapist is also a recovering sex addict who and an openly gay man. Through therapy I was able to come to grips with my sex addiction that was fulled by my same sex attraction. Also, I realized that the period when I started acting out with men, coincided with one of the darkest periods of my life.

    I now understand that the addictive cycle is very predictable. It starts with shame, which leads to depression, we then act out to feel good. In my case,that was by watching gay porn or meeting a gay man. Once the pleasure is over, we return to shame which starts the cycle over again.

    Through therapy and anti-depressants, I have been able to remain faithful to my wife for the last 8 months. With each passing day, the sexual addiction that controlled my life fades a little more and with it my same sex attraction. Like the alcoholic, I know I will never be cured and will always need to be vigilant against it's power. My relationship with my wife is improving and I am able to connect emotionally better every day. I'm thinking less about my self and more about others. I am also, seeing and feeling more in life because I'm not as internally focused.

    We can convince ourselves all we want that we are living the way we were intended to live, but our conscience knows better and creates the shame that starts the cycle. Eventually, I understand the difference between sexual addiction and sexual intimacy which by definition is monogamous.


I deeply regret that I must reinstate the verification process for those who want to leave comments on my blog. This is due to the intolerable amount of spam that spammers are attempting to leave on the blog.

At the same time I am changing settings so that those of you who have a Google Blogger ID or other recognized blogger ID will not have to have your comments moderated. My hope is this will encourage more readers to take the time to comment. The fact is I want to read comments with those of you who disagree with me as well as those of you who agree with me. All I ask is that you keep your comments clean and non-threatening.

The only reason I take the time to write this blog is to spur your thoughts and comments. Please do not let the spammers cause you not to comment. I know entering the verification words and numbers is a pain in the ass, but I hope you will not let the spammers cause you not to comment.

I still very much look forward to hearing from you.

Jack Scott

Anyone can comment on what I write in this blog. Regretfully, the recent amount of spam in my email account as required that I reinstate the word verification process for comments which I personally hate.

But at the same time I have loosened the comment moderation process so that those of you who have a Google Blogger ID or other recognized blogger ID will no longer need to wait for your comment to be moderated. I'm hoping this will tempt you to take the trouble to comment.

The truth is I want respectful comments both from those who agree with me and those who do not. All I as is that you keep comments to the point, clean and non-threatenting.

I look forward to hearing from each of you.

Jack Scott