I've written about Bisexuality and Marriage 13 times so far in this blog. Yet, I've never found anything that comes close to being the last word on the subject for me.
I'm a grizzled veteran of the wars married bisexual men wage within themselves. The pain from the self inflicted wounds as well as the wounds inflicted by others are greatly diminished now; but like a physical wound healed long ago that still hurts with the changing weather, my wounds from the war with my bisexuality still pain me from time to time. I guess they always will.
It's been five years now since I told my wife I was a bisexual man. The hurt, the sense of betrayal, the wonder why she wasn't good enough to meet my needs have diminished for her too; but like my own ghost pain, her pain is still there sometimes too. Not searing pain by any means, but the pain that comes when something happens in ones life that can never be undone, like the pain that still is felt 10 years after a loved one died.
In this case, I guess that sort of pain for her is appropriate. On the day I told her five years ago. The "me" that she had known and loved for more than 40 years passed away. A new "me" stood before her, shared her home, shared her bed.
The fact that we have always had the best of marriages helped us and at the same time hurt. We had been fantastic lovers since we started dating at age 16. We could make each others body sing. We could and did soar to heights seldom known to two lovers. It was like two majestic eagles mating in flight as they soared above the beautiful snowcapped mountains far below.
How could that sort of love not be enough to meet my needs? How could her willingness to be anyone I wanted her to be and do anything I wanted her to do in making love to me not satisfy my every desire? She asked herself those questions. I asked them of myself.
The only answer I've ever felt that came close is that I am simply a bisexual man. As a true bisexual man, the urge, the need for a relationship with my buddy is just as strong, just as demanding as are the needs for my wife.
Over the last few months, a number of men have come to me as they struggle with this part of their bisexuality. The conversation is always the same, "I love my wife. I don't want to leave my wive, but there is this need in me she cannot meet. There is this place in me she cannot reach."
"What am I going to do? How do I handle this without destroying my marriage?"
"I feel I have to be honest with her, but I am scared it will cost me everything."
Yesterday, a good friend of mine notified me that he needed to speak to me on the phone as soon as possible. Without going into too much detail and keeping his privacy in mind, I will just say that his privacy had been breeched through no fault of his own. Like many of us, his family is the most important thing in his life. True, he functions as a bisexual man, but he lives as a heterosexual man. The thought that his sexuality could become a public matter was not a welcome thought.
In another situation the problem was much different. A young man came to me and asked to talk. He was consumed with anger and denial over his homosexuality. He did not want to be a homosexual man. It was tearing him apart. He was a very young man with a new wife and a new home and a great job. But his feelings about his homosexuality were beginning to affect all those things, and the more he tried to stop thinking about it all the stronger the thoughts and the feelings became.
Fortunately, this young man lives near me. We began meeting once a week and talking about his situation in depth. Gradually, I had to calm him down and help him get to a point that would be conducive to to thinking about a very complex situation. He had to also move to a point at which he could make some very difficult choices.
This young man is one of the most awesome guys, I have ever met. I don't know what his IQ is, but its bound to be 140, probably more. At an age where most of his peers are still having Mom wash their dirty underwear, he's a highly paid and highly respected professional. Nothing gets past him. He takes it all in. And for him that was actually a problem. He knew every possible outcome that could accrue to his being a homosexual man and most of those were not pretty and they were not outcomes we wanted to embrace.
One of the questions on his mind was should he tell his wife. He saw that as the ethical thing to do, but he also saw it as something that would not only destroy their marriage, it would destroy everything. The thought of that was unbearable. The thought of not telling her was also unbearable.
We spent many hours in conversation. At first he was guarded which is understandable when everything is on the line, but gradually he began to trust me and he began to tell me his every thought, his every fear and his every hope.
Being the super intelligent man he is, he is a planner. And as a newly married man he is busy planning the future for himself and his wife and the family to come. His sexuality though is a wild card in the planning. That wild card drives him crazy.
I was amazed at how quickly he began to progress once we reached the point he would honestly answer any question I asked him. I was even more amazed that he would quickly yet exhaustively consider my every suggest. Rejecting some, accepting many and modifying some to his own liking. That was exactly what I was hoping for, but what I rarely encounter in most guys.
Over the months we have talked, I have come to know that I can assure him he is not a homosexual man. He may be a bisexual man, but even that is not certain yet. What he thought was homosexual desires may have been nothing more than a bit of curiousness. It's rare, but I've seen it before.
One of his recent questions was about telling his wife. As a very ethical guy, it had to be a consideration for him. I urged him not to consider it at this time if ever. There is nothing for him to gain and everything to loose. There is nothing for her to gain either and everything for her to loose. Some can and will argue that it is the ethical thing for him to do and that she deserves to know. Those who make that argument are people who only see black and white in a world that is more often shades of gray than black and white.
Quite honestly, look around you. Those who demand black and white answers to every question and every issue are destroying this country. Everywhere you look the country is polarized. We see in in our politicians, we see it in our churches, we see it in our schools. It is everywhere we turn.
The first guy whose privacy was breeched not of his own making, felt he had to take another route. With the fact that his personal life could quickly become public he chose to tell his wife everything. His decision was a good one. If you're going to get outed, its best to take control of the situation and make the first move.
His wife was not happy to hear what he had to say, but the conversation went well. My friend is hopeful that his marriage will survive.
Whether or not to tell one's wife is the biggest issue a married man has to make when it comes to his non-straight sexuality. It simply must be a personal decision based on the realities of his personal situation.
But in my experience telling is rarely the right thing to do. While the guy is often convinced he is doing the right thing, he is almost always doing the wrong thing. In many cases, the wrong thing for himself, his wife and his children.
If one thinks about it rationally, every single homosexual or bisexual man I've ever known has struggled with himself for years. Many NEVER really are able to stop the war within themselves. For others it takes years. How can any man who has lived those battles for decades suddenly blindside his wife with HIS war and expect her to survive it. The answer is, he can't. She will be a casualty of the war before she even begins to understand what the war is about.
Almost 70% of all marriages in which the husband confesses his bisexuality or homosexuality end within two years. That counts only the ones that end formally. It does not count the ones that are damaged beyond repair but remain in tact only on paper.
There is not handbook for the married bisexual or married homosexual man. The ultimate path is easier for the homosexual man, but easier does not mean easy. There will be pain, but as a homosexual man he has clear choices.
The bisexual man has no clear choices. He often needs his wife as much as he needs his buddy. It is a situation that women simply cannot understand because sex and emotion are wired differently in women that they are in men.
In the foreseeable future there is no good choice for the bisexual man who wants a wife and family and a buddy. Telling her before marriage is not a good answer. By my wife's own admission, had I told her before we married she would have not married me. But also by her own admission knowing what she knows now, that decision not to marry me would have been a mistake.
In every relationship one person simply loves more, one person gives more. Things are never equal. Each is duty bound to give all he/she can. A married bisexual man should give all he can, but life is full of situations where something has to be sacrificed for the greater good. For a married bisexual and his wife, the marriage is often good and to maintain it as a good and viable marriage the man must sacrifice refrain from telling the whole truth.
Some may think this works out well for him at the expense of his wife. It actually works out well for her too. A truly bisexual man will never be happy if he is prohibited from having the relationship with a buddy that he needs. His wife will live with a happier, more giving, more loving man if he has his wife to love and his buddy to bond with.
Anyone can comment on what I write in this blog. Regretfully, the recent amount of spam in my email account as required that I reinstate the word verification process for comments which I personally hate.
But at the same time I have loosened the comment moderation process so that those of you who have a Google Blogger ID or other recognized blogger ID will no longer need to wait for your comment to be moderated. I'm hoping this will tempt you to take the trouble to comment.
I look forward to hearing from each of you.
The truth is I want respectful comments both from those who agree with me and those who do not. All I as is that you keep comments to the point, clean and non-threatenting.
I look forward to hearing from each of you.