Leading Two Lives

Some of my earliest memories are sexual memories. So early, that at the time I was living them, I didn't even know what sex was.  I just knew I could make my  penis feel very good and I enjoyed doing it.

By the time I was 4 years old playing with myself was a regular thing for me. Somehow I instinctively knew this kind of play should be private and should be kept out of view of my parents. Even at that  young age I managed to do that or at least thought I did.

There were other sexualized moments in my life too. By the time I was four, we lived in a four room house. Well it was almost a four room house. The back poarch had been closed in to make a bedroom big enough to put mine and my brothers bunk beds in and that is where we slept. What had been the original back door of the house led out of our makeshift bedroom into the kitchen. The kitchen was adjacent to the living room and the living room was adjacent to my parents bedroom. My parents bedroom was separated from my brothers and my bedroom by a small bathroom which had a sink, toilet and a big clawfooted bath tude. There was no shower.

Water came from a well; the bathroom and the living room were the only rooms in the house that were heated. There was a small gas stove built into the east wall of the bathroom and a Dearborne stove heated the living room. I suppose my  parents were supporting themselves and my brother and I on maybe $400 a month back then and so it was a very frugal life. Nothing was wasted including gas for the heating stoves and water from the well which had to be pulled up by an electric  pump. It was common practice for me to bath every night with my father and for my younger brother to bath with my mother.

Some of my earliest memories are of seeing  my fathers cock and balls as we bathed. I never saw it hard but it was a huge thing even soft and he had huge balls that hung low with his uncut cock resting on them. It was an amazing piece of equipment to me. I knew that my own penis could get hard and much bigger and I knew that when it got to that state, I could make it feel very good. I wondered if my father knew that he could do the same thing with his and I was in awe of how big it must be when it got hard. Often, bathing with my dad, my own penis would get hard as I soaped it off to clean it. Nothing was ever said about this and I accepted it as normal though my Dad's did not get hard when he soaped his.

In bed after the bath, I would often pull down my PJ's and fondle myself causing my penis to send waves of pleasure through my groin area.

When I was 6 years old a neighbor boy named Chris, who was a couple of years older than me, asked me if I would like to  play farm. I asked how you played that game and he said he would teach me. We went into a neighbors garage. He instructed me to get on my hands and knees and pretend I was a cow. As I assumed that position much to my surprise he unzipped my jeans and  pulled out my cock which was immediately hard. He began to stoke it saying that he was milking the cow. It felt really good to me to have someone elses hand on my cock and I wasn't going to resist. It felt even better than when I would stroke it with my own hand.

As he kept on stroking something I could never have anticipated happened though I didn't know what it was at the time. I had my first orgasm. This new orgasm was much the same good feeling that my own play with my penis had sent through my groin, but this new feeling rushed into my spine and down my legs all the way to my toes which curled in a rather sweet agony. The feeling was unbelieveable. When the orgasm subsided, Chris said it was his turn to be the cow and I should milk him in the same way. I was more than happy to do that and observed that his cock was equal in size to mine. I assmed our cock were standard equipment for boys our general age.

But Chris had more in mind for me. Over the next few weeks he introduced me to a number of boys in our small 4 room school who were into cock  play. I was astonised to learn that though Chris and I were the smaller two of the group of boys we had the biggest cocks by far. But it didn't matter much because even the smaller cocks were works of art as far as I was concerned and I was happy to have a variety of them to play with. The  play became a regular after school thing for me and the guys. Sometimes a guy named Teddy and I would even meet in the restroom at school and I would sit on his naked lap as he jacked me off.

All this activity was awesome. No one in the extended group was abused or forced to perform any act. We were all good friends and the camaroderie was really an awesome thing in itself, but Chris still was not though with my insturction into the finer parts of male/male sex. One day when a group of us were naked and  playing he  pulled me out of the group and we went to a nearby abandonded petrochemical plant. No one ever came there. The  property was fenced but he knew a way in. Alone in the huge boiler room we got naked and he  told me he was going to teach me to suck cock.. He took my cock into his mouth and licked and sucked it. I had never in my short life felt anything that even came close to that new feeling. Before I knew it, orgasm even more intense than from being jacked off racked my body and buckled my knees. It was almost more than I could stand. Quickly, Chris was out of his pants and told me to do the same for him. Much to my surprise I found it was almost as good to be on the giving end of oral sex as on the receiving end. His cock was a magnificent thing even at that young age it was massive and again I wondered what my Dad's must be if two kids could have such massive tools.

Oral sex between me and Chris became a few times a week thing and regular sexual  play was a dailly thing among the group of 7 - 8 boys. As years passed and we got a little older it was nnot uncommon for even some of the highschool boys to play with us. In that little west Texas community where there was nothing to do and where we were thrown together 7 days a week and almost 16  hours a day, sex was our main entertainment and there were dozens and dozens of places to get naked and do it. There were several old refineries that offered all manner of privacy.  Back in those days the pump jacks were run not by electricity but by rod lines. The rod lines would stretch for great distances between the several pumpjacks and the engine house which powered the rod lines. There were dozens of these engine houses scattered around and they were checked once a day. Because our fathers did the checking we knew when the coast was clear and we could get naked in the engine houses almost any time.

East of town there was a large sinkhole. It had been there for many years. Trees had grown in the bottom of the sinkhole and rose almost to the top of the sinkhow which met the floor of the grassy plain above. Beneath the trees on the floor of the sinkhole, someone had built a small cabin that was now abandoned. We had great fun running around that sink hole stark naked. In all the years, no adult ever intruded on our sinkhole paradise.

Though again I instinctfully knew all his was something not to be talked about, I felt no guilt about it. No one was forced to do anything. Each guy was free to do or not to do. No one was in charge. It was really all just clean fun. And these 6 - 8 boys were my classmates and we were in Sunday School together ever Sunday morning. Every Sunday afternoon we were playing with each others cocks as well as during frequent sleep overs at each others  houses. It was truly just a boy thing and it seemed in that small West Texas town something that all boys did.

This play continued thourh High School. It was completly normal. Even after all of us began to date girls, our male on male  play did not cease. In that day and time girls were not "easy." Our guy buddies were.

I married early just after my Freshman year of college. I assumed with a willing woman in my bed each night the days of male/male sex were gone. I was devastated when the desires did not go away even though I loved straight sex and had a wife who was quite willing and very good at it, who could in fact rock my world.

I began to live two lives. In one life I was the average hard working father caring for my family and making a living. But in my dreams at night I was back with the guys and no matter how much sex I  had with my wife, when I was back with the guys in my dreams, I would awken covered in cum from my wet dreams of erupting shooting cocks full of cum. For the first time I was racked with guilt.

For years I thought I was the only married guy inthe world with thoughts like mine. Then I got my first computer and discoverd the world of guys who are players. Soon I found that these players are from every walk of life.They are doctors, lawyers (a lot of lawyers, it must be taught in lawshool), computer techs, teachers, salesmen and guys from every profession, even preachers.

Over the years, it has become quite clear to me that  sex among married men involves a rather large number of men These men range from men like me who have regular buddies they see weekly or monthlly to men who only get with other men once or twice a year on fishing or hunting trips. In large cities there are well organized groups of men who meet to play together. The numbers of such men are staggering.and they talk about it openly within groups set up for such activites.

For the most part, we lead two lives. On the one hand we are husbands and fathers and career men who carry out the ordinary responsibilities of being husbands and fathers. For the most part wives and families come first; but time for male/male play is factored in and for the most part, our wives never know.

If they knew, some wives wouldn't care for they don't like sex and see it as a burden. They're glad their husbands are not hounding them for sex even if it has not occurred to them that he's getting it somewhere else. For others, whose bisexual husbands enjoy and need sex with their wives just as any straight guy does, sex is a normal part of thier lives and the wife has no idea that no matter how good she is in their sexual encounters she cannot fulfill the need of her partner for a male.

I have a grown daughter who is married and I am quick to admit that the thought of her husband being with another man does not fill me with joy. Yet at the same time, I don't really feel my activites with my buddy take anything away from my wife. In fact they keep sex fresh and interesting for me and she benefits from that because I truly do enjoy straight sex. I would consider it cheating to be with another woman, but as bad as it sounds, and I know it sounds very bad to women, I don't consider my actions with my buddy as cheating. My wife does not like to camp out, she does not like to ski, she does not like to go to football games, and she does not like to fish. All these things I do with my buddies. Oh and by the way, I happen to  play with my buddy's cock. It too is just a guy thing. It reallly is. My emotions, my life, my future belong to my familly. My buddy is just play. Play that i need to feel complete. Play, the desire for which I have been unable to rid myself of.

I lead two lives. and I have come to be satisfied with that as something I cannot change.

But human sexuality is complicated. I onece worked with a married guy who fucked every woman he could get into his bed and being a good looking guy he could get plenty of them. But for him sex was never satisfying. It was just a knotch in his cock. A tallly he could keep to prove his virility.

There are guys who like sex with men that are the same way. They're scared to death of becoming emotionally attached to a guy so they just play the numbers. A different guy every time and never a satisfying experience. Promiscuity is never satisfying.  Even for guys there has to be some kind of bond, some mutual intersts. A relationship can never be built of just two cocks. And for truly bisexual men, a relationship is never a threat to their marriage.Bisexual men lead an unsual lifestyle, but they love their wives and families and they value their marriages. They just have the irresisable need for an intimate male partner.

The number of guys who are self identifying as bisexual is growing. I think this is due to the computer. The computer has opened the door to relatively frank discussions about one's sexual needs in an atmosphere of relative safety. I don't think there's a guy alive who hasn't had at least a fleeting thought about what it would be like to have another guys cock in his mouth. The computer lets these guys know they are no alone. Far from it  There are a huge number of guys who have already taken the step. Fifteen years ago you never saw a guy on line looking for another married guy to have sex with who wasn't at least in his 50's. Now its common to see 20 and 30  year olds.

Leading two lives is not easy. I wished for years I could make it go away. But I have come to see it as a gift. One that has benefited me and others. Now I would not change who I am even if I could. I enjoy each of my lives.

The ethics of the situation are complex and bothersome no doubt. I think the good news is that as homosexuality becomes more open and more accepted, fewer homosexual men will feel the need to marry women for cover. This will spare many women the heartache of finding that they are married to a man who cannot meet their emotional and physical needs. Changes in societal norms and advances in science will allow even homosexual couples to raise children. I personally know homosexual couples who are doing it now. There will be no need to marry just to father children of one's own.

For those of us who are bisexual, and I think that number is enormous, the ethics are even more complicated. Four years ago I told my wife about my bisexuality and my buddy. She was astonished that I had been able to sccessfully hide that side of myself from her for all those years. I will not tell you she like hearing the news, but she understood I had not made a choice. She understood that it was something that came with me at birth. At one point she made the statement, "I'm glad you didn't tell me when we were dating because I would not have married you. And knowing what our life has been together, I'm glad I married you and I'm still glad I did. The only thing that has changed is that I know. I won't allow something that has been going on for years and causing no problems destroy our marriage simply because I know now."

I'm sure many women will not understand that reasonsing, but I know a lot of women who have come to the same thoughts. It leaves me not knowing what a bisexual man contemplating marriage should do. When I married I had no idea I wasn't straight. I thought the guys had just been a diversion until marriage. Todays young men don't have that excuse. Bisexuality is well known. The ethical question will linger for years. For most married men bisexuality is a burden. I have never met a man who said he would have chosen it. It seems unreasonsable to me to burden one's wife with a burden of our own which she cannot lift from our shoulders, which she cannot understand and which will cause her self doubt and pain. It seems far better to me to act carefully and discreetly and shoulder our own burdens while making sure that we meet our family obligations.

Jack Scott

Jack