Moving Onward

One of the things I like about being the moderator of an on line group is that I get to talk to many guys. Almost all of them are interesting in their own way. I learn from them. Hopefully and thankfully some of them learn from me. I enjoy chatting on line with guys from all over the world  and listening to them tell me parts of their story. Often the story is not one that has worked out as well as they had hoped. Sometimes its a story of success and a new life discovered.

No matter what the story, I am always left with a heightened awareness that married bisexual and married homosexual guys are just guys. They are guys like every other guy. They have the same hopes and dreams and wishes. They invariably love their kids and most of them love their wives in their own way. They just have this extra dimension to their lives that often dirupts but sometimes brings great joy and a sense of fulfillment. Most of the guys I come into contact with are personable and outgoing. I think it comes from being in contact with someone to whom they can bare their inner most selves in relative saftey, something few of us who are married bisexuals or married homosexuals can rarely do.

The only bad part of my position is that sometimes I also run into the guy whose battle with his bisexuality or homosexuality has defeated him and not only defeated him, but left him bitter and lonely and soured on life. Often these guys are just as ready to open up as the other guys I have contact with, but in a very different way. They have had all they can take and they are more than ready to lash out and I provide a perfect object for such a lashing because I am  a faceless man on the internet and I often write controversial and provoking things that provide a convenient target  for those who have nothing left but ability to lash out in their disappointment and anger over their lot in life.

I'd be lying if I said being the target of these attacks didn't bother me. It does. It always causes me to second guess myself and wonder if I'm doing the right thing by providing a forum for married bisexual and married homosexual men and in many ways encouraging them to make the most of what will always be a difficult task. Would they be better off if they were just left alone to figure it out all by themselves? More than once after bearing an attack, I have vowed to close down BisexualBuddies (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/BisexualBuddies/), drop the blog and just put it all behind me, yes even my own bisexuality. But it seems that every time I have such thoughts a guy comes along that really needs help, is receptive to it and appreciates it. These guys keep me motivated.

Its always a  great thing when I get to meet some guy face to face. Houston being the fourth largest city in the United States, there are a lot of guys who are married and bisexual or homosexual. Sometimes I get to talk with these guys face to face. Sometimes these face to face meetings take  place at Guys Night Out sponsored in Houston by the Closed Loop Relationship Group (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Closed-Loop/). Other times they are one on one meetings for coffee or a beer or lunch.

Recently, I met with two different guys. One was a 3 hour chat over a cup of coffee and the other a two hour lunch. I have know both guys for a few years and know something about their lives already. Both have put a lot of effort into making the best of their situations. It been difficult. One has teenagers and the other small children.

Their lives are at a crossroads, but not at the same crossroad. The older guy with the teenagers has been looking for a regular buddy for several years. He's personable, the guy next door type, and has much to offer. But for whatever reason, he has just never been able to find and establish a relationship with the right guy. After years of trying, he's made the decision to give up. He's getting some counseling to try to get beyond his desire for male/male sex and he's hoping that will  help though he's very much aware that the odds are against it. The more realistic plan is to just devote his life to raising his kids and live a life without sex. To just back away from the hunt and enjoy  his life for what it is. To some extent, he's been doing that anyway, the only thing that will change is that he accepts that as the reality of his life.

After years of seeing him try everything and finding nothing that works, I'm really at a loss as to what to say to him other than to reassure him that he is a good guy and wish him the best. I don't really understand why some good guys just can't find buddies and for others such relationships come easily and endure.

The other guy I had lunch with is a young professional man. I've known him for  years. At first, like so many others, he presented himself as a married bisexual man; but over the years that facade began to crumble and he finally admitted to himself that he is homosexual. He has come out to  his wife and she took the news relatively well. They are divorcing on his initiative because he  hopes to find a life with a male partner and he hopes she will find the loving and rewarding partnership with another guy that she deserves.

He had another struggle. He had a buddy who was also married. They had been together for many years. The buddy has no desire to leave his wife. Therefore that relationship must end and he has ended it. Not because his feelings for this guy have changed but because the relationship now has no basis for continued success. As fate would have it, he has already met another young professional guy who has never been married and is homosexual. It is still much to early to know if this young man is THE guy, but there are indications he could be.

They are enjoying their new relationship and my friend feels that no matter what happens, he has made the right decision. He has freed his wife to find a relationship which can be they type of relationship she needs. He has recognized the reality of his own sexuality and he is happy for the first time. He's not taking out ads to tell the world he's gay, but he is acknowledging it to close friends and family. The weight off his shoulders has given him a new lease on life and he is looking forward to the future.

These are only two of millions and millions of guys who have their own lives and their own stories. Each story is different. The best that any of us can hope for is happiness at an acceptable price.

We all live in a world which is perceived by many as black and white. The whole tenor of our times is geared to a black and white, right or wrong, liberal or conservative world. But yet the reality is that we all live in a gray world where reality is more challenging than a simple yes or no, right or wrong approach. Reality is more nuanced than that.

None of us asked to be bisexual or homosexual. Both of my friends repeated that several times in our recent talks. It is not something any of us would choose. It came in the package that is us. It is what we are and we must deal with it each in our own way, hopefully with some good advice along the way. We cannot deal with it in a black and white manner. There are no simple yes or no solutions. There are no solutions that are fair. Their are no solutions that will not hurt.

On the other hand, there are solutions that will work and which will leave everyone envolved with a chance for happiness. There will be victims in any decision. Some knowing victims, some unknowng victims. But we as Americans have become much to caught up in the role of victims. We are all victims of one sort or the other. Just because we are victims does not mean we have to act like victims. We all still have the ability to choose our own path and find our own happiness. Blaming someone else for our fate and just complaining doesn't accomplish a thing. It only makes us and those around us more miserable. In the end we may  all be victims of one sort or the other, but none of us have to be victimized. Ultimately each of us is responsible for making the most of our individual lives.

The real choice is to figure out where we are and where we can possibly be and embrace the  opportunity.

Jack