Staying Put, Stepping Out or Stepping Back

This post is the first of a series of essays that were first posted in BisexualBuddes Group. A friend who I met through the group suggested that I publish a notice to new members of the group telling them of the series because he had taken the time to read through the archives of postings in the group and had found these particular essays very helpful to him. I will be doing that for new members of the group and in addition I will post the essays here. I hope some of you will find them helpful. I hope you will reach out to your married bisexual and married homosexual buddies and tell them about the blog and the group. I've move beyond the pain of being a married bisexual man for the most part, but I remember it well and I know for certain there are hundreds of thousands of guys who are still alone and dealing with their desires in great pain. Just knowing that  others have endured and triumphed can be encouragement and comfort to these guys.
       
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I have never talked to a guy that felt like he made a choice to be bisexual or homsexual. To a man, the hundreds of guys I've talked to have all said it has always been a part of them. More often than not, they didn't know what "it" was for a while but they didn't choose it. Once a guy comes to realize what he is, he really doesn't have a lot of choices. Speaking in broad terms, I can only think of three.  The first is "Stepping Out of the Box" and actively doing what you need to do to find the buddy you want and need. The second is "Stepping Back" and leaving your curiosity about male/male sex behind you.  Just dropping it, dropping your membership in all the groups that cater to married bisexual and gay males and concentrating on your family life.

The third alternative and the last one is doing nothing at all, just kind of staying put as you are. Kind of torturing yourself by exercising your curiosity somewhat by looking at pictures of naked guys, fantasizing in your mind what it would be like to suck a cock or have your sucked. Or worse, yet if you are really hooked just letting that monkey on your back dig his claws and teeth deeper and deeper into you mind and soul and torture you endlessly while you do nothing at all to stop it.

I never had any guilt about playing with guys when I was a young man before I married. After I married I just assumed I wouldn't want to be with guys any longer. Man, was I ever wrong.

My wife is an excellent and exciting sexual partner and I love straight sex, but it cannot and does not substitute for male/male sex. My desire to get back to it was never ending. Oh, as a young family man building a career, I could put the thoughts aside during the daytime but at night the deamons came. I would have wet dreams and wake up covered in cum. And these dreams were ALWAYS dreams about men. This in spite of frequent sex with my wife.

As I got older, my career was established and my children grown, the deamons began to invade the daytime hours more and more. It got to the point that I couldn't do my work. I was obsessed with thoughts of hard cocks and big balls and the things that men can do when they play. I was not a happy man in spite of a successful career and a wonderful family.

I'm a religious guy. I begged God to take it away. I pleaded endlessly for peace of mind. All those prayers went unanswered and the monkey just continued to sink his claws into me. It got to the point that in spite of a life long belief in God and a lifetime of being active in my church, I began to believe that there was no God at all. That religion was just a big lie. We were all alone. All I had was my family and the monkey on my back. There was no God.

Then finally at age 49, I could just not take it any longer. By this time I had discovered chat rooms and found that there were in fact tens of thousand of married men just like me.

I'm the type of person that when I decide I want something, I get it ; and I made the decision that I wanted a buddy - for better or worse - I wanted a buddy. Within a very short period after making that decision, I found a buddy who would change my life and whose life I would change, all for the better. Ours was a ten year sexual relationship and the relationship continues even now though we are no longer sexual buddies. For the first time in my life, I began to feel like I was complete, like I was me. Like I was who and what I am.

Those ten years were years of awakening for me and for him. I formed a whole new philosophy of life and of God. I found that I was becoming a better person not only for me but for my family. Because I was happy, I was a better husband and  father. I enjoyed my family more and the change in me was obvious to them. I had a new lease on life and it showed.

Almost 15 years have passed since that new awakening for me. Other challenges have come along of course. I'm a cancer patient at MD Anderson. I'm doing well for now, but I'm not guaranteed that I will live into my 80's or even 90's as I always saw myself doing. Might not even make it to 70. Life is short. Very very short! We only get one life. Our life doesn't start tomorrow or next week or next year. Our life is not something that will happen when we get this or that done. Our life is now! We need to make each day count.

There is an old saying that one should "lead, follow or get the hell out of the way." Well, for those of us who are married bisexual or married gay men we should either put it behind us or get on with it and find a way to safely exercise our desires with discretion, but we should never never never just continue to coast through life doing nothing and letting the monkey chew us to pieces.

The safest thing is to put it all away. Forget it. Walk away. But that is not an easy thing and it is not something most guys can do. I've been moderator of BisexualBuddies Group for years now and I talk to a lot of guys. I observe a lot of guys. Something has changed over the years as I observe this group of guys. We are getting younger! When the group first started there was never EVER a member who was less than 40 years old and the vast majoritiy were in their late 50's and early 60's. That is no longer true. We are seeing a ever increasing number of 20 and 30 and 40 year olds joining the group. They are already curious or worse, driven by a desire for male/male sexual experience. I've been down the road these guys are setting out on and I know the pain ahead of them. I would give my eye teeth to have those years between my 20's and 40's back again. I'd find myself a buddy so quick. I'd trade all those years of pain and self loathing for the peace I have now in an instant.

I don't have that option. That time of life is gone for me but at least I have done it. I have a buddy now and I'm happy.

Don't stand still guys, don't just let your life pass you by. Do something about it. Get in or get out. Be happy whatever it takes to be happy in a responsible safe way.

If you don't know how, then ask. There are guys in BisexualBuddies Group who have accomplished successfully what you need to accomplish. They'll help you all they can.

Jack
Moderator
BisexualBuddies
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/BisexualBuddies