Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The Outliers - Part I

I've been sexually active in one form or another, from my earliest memories and throughout my life. As a very young child I discovered it was easy to make my penis harden and swell, and playing with it in that state felt really good.

When I was only 6 years old I stepped things up quite a bit. I got into an "I'll show you mine, if you'll show me yours" situation with the 6 year old girl next door. She eagerly agreed; in fact, in all honesty, I'm not sure it wasn't her idea. I quickly decided I had the better end of the bargain when it came to equipment. There wasn't much to see with hers but I enjoyed checking it out.

That year I also first began having sexual encounters with another guy. That was much more exciting. He had equipment very much like my own and somewhere along the way (he was a year older) he had figured out a boy could do more than just make his penis feel good, he could make his whole body feel good through playing with his penis. I didn't know at that time it was called "orgasm", but when he showed me how to make an orgasm happen, I sure knew it felt good and having felt it, I was hooked. I wanted to feel it as often as possible. As often as possible quickly became every  day and sometimes 2 or 3 times a day.

This young friend, I'll call him Chris, was the first to introduce me to the concept of sex as something of an outlier. Of course, I couldn't have and didn't understand the idea of sexual activity and sexuality as an outlier at age 6. But over the coming years I was going to become very familiar with the reality that human sexuality itself is an outlier of profound importance and staggering impacts.

Having introduced me to male/male sexual play, my young friend proceeded to arrange for me to be initiated into a wider group of boys who were all aware of the joys to be had from playing with one's penis. It wasn't much of an initiation really, just my introduction to the group as a willing, very willing, player. These boys ranged from 7 - 10 years old. I already knew all of them since it was a small town and a small school. I just didn't know about "the group."

I had no idea up until the time I was introduced into the group that I was a sexual outlier of sorts. Even my earlier play with Chris had given me no indication. As I said earlier, he had equipment much like mine and I was as fascinated with it as I always had been with my own. But being introduced to the larger group of boys, I found Chris and I were different. Though we were both smaller boys, our penises were much bigger, longer and thicker, than those of the other guys in the group. This surprised me. The other guys were taller with bigger builds than either me or Chris and some were older. I thought it odd that bigger boys didn't just naturally have bigger penises, but it didn't take long to understand that my bigger penis bought me admiration and status in the group. I was more than willing to stand in that particular spotlight. As I became older, that particular spotlight continued to shine. I think it had a significant impact on my personality, giving me confidence and a sense of self assurance I would otherwise not have had. Sometimes, being an outlier was a good thing it seemed.

I soon recognized another outlier. Chris had also introduced me to sucking cock. He taught me how to suck his, and he enjoyed returning the favor. It was a regular part of our play together. However, that kind of play never took place in the group or within the sight of the other boys. In the group there was only nudity, mutual touching and mutual masturbation. Oral sex was never a part of the group play. He and I were outliers in that way too. It didn't matter to me. Sucking Chris' cock felt good. Having him suck mine to orgasm was beyond description.

Through the following years, I began to comprehend more and more that human sexuality, specifically my sexuality and the sexuality of my circle of friends, was an outlier to life as life as it was said life should be. Being only 6 when I was first brought into the group, I was cautioned by the older boys that what we were doing was a secret and it could not be shared with anyone outside the group, especially parents. For whatever reason, I didn't need to be told that. I had been playing with my own cock for a couple of years that I remembered, and I had always made sure not to be discovered at it by my parents or to mention it to them. That just seemed the way it should be for some reason. My parents, in particular my mother, were not uptight about sex, so the feeling I should keep it to myself didn't come from sexual repression on the part of my parents. It just seemed natural that the group and what the group did should not be discussed.

At first I was only aware of the physical outliers concerning sex, the size of my cock and Chris' cock as compared to the other guy's cocks, the fact that Chris and I sucked each other's cocks, but as far as I knew that was something the other boys didn't do. It didn't bother me that it seemed to be only me and Chris that did it. It sure did feel good on both sides of the equation and the more Chris and I did it the better it seemed to feel. I didn't think of the group as an outlier at all. Almost everyone was part of the group. The group was just normal boys being normal boys to me.

But over the next few years, several things happened that gave me new insight into sex and into sex other than the type of sex I was involved with in the group. The biggest source of new information came when my mother became pregnant with my little brother. Being open minded about such things, she used her condition as the opportunity to tell me, in terms I could understand, how pregnancy was achieved and to tell me sex was a normal thing for married men and women to do and while it was a recreational thing, its primary purpose was pregnancy and babies. Frankly I was elated. The importance of her words to me was that sex and all it was to me already plus sexual things I had not  yet experienced were a normal part of adult life. I couldn't wait. I looked forward to that day with great anticipation. A whole new world began to open up in my mind though at the time it was really just the glimmer of an outlying world I could barely comprehend.

At about the same time as my mother's announcement of her pregnancy, Chris and I were playing with each other's cocks in a neighbors garage. It was a double car garage and one of the doors was open and one was closed. We were just behind the closed door where no one could see, but we could see out through a crack. Looking out through that crack, as Christ sucked my cock, I saw my Dad coming down the lane. Chris and I quickly got our jeans up; and by the time my Dad found us we were, we thought, innocently playing at something else. But as it turned out, he was suspicious and mentioned his suspicions to my Mom. That triggered another talk about how masturbation was a normal thing for a boy to do, but it was something one always did in private and alone. I maintained my innocence about the act, but said I understood. Nothing was said about sucking cock, but I was smart enough to know that if one was supposed to jack off alone, it meant that sucking cock was out of the question. I duly noted that while my mother said masturbation was a solitary thing for boys to do, that wasn't the situation in my world. In my world almost all boys were involved in the group jack off sessions on an almost daily basis. There seemed to be another outlier between what was considered normal on the one hand and what actually was normal on the other hand. It was my first real encounter with socio-sexual mores.  Of course, at the time my thoughts didn't take on the words "outlier" or "socio-sexual mores", but I did comprehend that what was said should be was not always what was.

It was only a short time later that a significant event occurred in the small church which my family and I, as well as all my jacking buddies in the group and their families, attended. Still being just a boy I wasn't told anything directly but I overheard enough of the grownups talking to combine with what I was observing and figure out what had happened. The preacher, who was married, had been caught with the church secretary in a compromising situation in the church office. This resulted in the church secretary quitting her job and leaving town and in the preacher leaving and being replaced with a new preacher. Big words I'd never heard before such as "adultery"and "extramarital sexual relations" were used. Another outlier was duly noted in my mind. Even preachers who were real good about talking about sin and such and warning of the consequences of it, were capable of preaching one thing and carrying on another. They were capable of adultery and extramarital sex.

As I grew older and became a teenager the list of sexual outliers I encountered grew longer and longer. At church we were taught that the things of the world were sinful. And it seemed that in spite of sex being necessary for bringing babies into the world, there was an awful lot of talk about the evils of sex. It was all very confusing to me at some level because frankly, sex sure did feel good. How could it be evil?

When I was 11 or 12 years old, I was aware from personal experience, as well as anecdotal experience that sucking cock was not just something Chris and I did. There were other guys who were interested in that activity. One in particular was a good looking kid who lived a block from me. His mother worked and so he was home alone after school.  Many an afternoon, he and I would lay in his bedroom floor and 69 each other. Oral sex might be an outlier, but not near the outlier, I had once thought it to be.

Sometime in my early teens, I got my first sense of how sex could potentially hurt me personally. The teenage daughter of a woman who worked for my Mom got pregnant. The girl was several years older than me as was the father of the baby, but both were still in high school. He was the son of a man who was a colleague of my Dad's. These kids were well known to me, and their situation had a huge impact on me. These were not bad kids. There were good kids, kids that were well thought of in the community, kids from good homes with good values. But it seemed once again that sex was an outlier. There were the values everyone talked about and their was reality. Sometimes the gap between the two was huge. Good boys and girls didn't have sex, yet they did. Sometimes they even created babies. The outlier was duly noted with a big caveat. I didn't want to get caught in that net.

By the time I was 14, I had a driver's license, a job and a car. I was also dating girls and enjoying it. What I was eventually going to identify as my bisexuality, was a real benefit to me during this time of my life. By this time a few other accidental pregnancies had occurred among couples who I knew from school. I was now very much aware such a thing could potentially ruin my life. I was also much aware that while I enjoyed dating girls and making out, orgasms and cuming were best enjoyed with my guy friends. I couldn't get them pregnant. These outliers, it seemed, could be beneficial or not, depending on how one used them.

(The Outliers Part II to Follow)

Jack Scott


  1. Did we grow up together? This sounds exactly like where I grew up, although my minister didn't have any scandals...

    The other interesting thing is that as time went on, with any of the "best buddies" growing up, they seemed to stray from one another, out of a feeling of embarrassment. All the sex play and experimentation was never to be spoken of, and girls were the new trophy to hold. I hated it! I had no interest in sex play with girls, and the thought of getting someone pregnant was unthinkable!

    I hated it, and in spite of being outed and enduring all the torment that comes along with that, I was starved for sex with my guy friends. No more play? How frustrating! It was then when I was a freshman in high school that I realized I was a "homosexual". "The word "gay" didn't exist in it's present context]. A big, BIG secret that I'd have to live with, although much to my chagrin, many others already knew.

  2. Jack,
    Your story is very much like that of my gay buddy Jake's growing up in a European town, although he was older when the group of boys formed a jerk off contest group. For me, just a few secret sessions fondling a cousin and some other boy scouts, and one spontaneous scout circle jerk, left me knowing this was something that turned me on much more than most other boys. And of course I knew not to talk to adults about it and that there were suspicions
    among the parents.

    You at least had a regular reciprocal relationship with Chris and that kept you from feeling totally alone. Also for a man of faith, you seem to have had not religious guilt about it. I felt that kind of shame sometimes, so like many young men was alone with these thoughts and rare actions and sometimes felt I was a "sinner"

    Your term outlier really resonates. I look forward to the next installment. You were so lucky to have had this initiation and relationship with Chris let you understand how natural and good this kind of male sexuality can be.

  3. I've been ripped off . . . I never found a group of buddies to play with!! Although, I tried playing "doggy" (naked) with boy across the street in his backyard doghouse once. His mother spotted this and shrieked at us . . . threatened to tell my Mom. No wonder I was in the closet for the next 40+ years! Thanks for the post and glad you're back up!

  4. Jack:

    Your stories of your youth are so enchanting, enriching, innocent, and downright wholesome. Although my childhood was not filled with mutual innocent curiousity about another boys body, just hearing your stories brings a sense of healing to my youth. We should still now be as children to other grown men, as you were once were with your childhood friends.

    Just being with those friends and exposing the most sensitive part of your body to each other and touching each other in a good way, that's a feeling of community I wanted as a child, and now as an adult want that with an age appropiate community even more.

    Interesting how your friends acknowledgement of your cock size validated your sense of masculinity even as a boy. Even among your friends, they almost certainly felt privileged to be your buddy, and to be touched and affirmed their masculinity, as they had equipment that you showed interest in. Male bonding is so much about physicality, exploration, and the visual dimension, and you were so fortunate to be introduced to all those as a child. Your friends must have been all of good and noble character for that age: nobody tattled, nobody was ridiculed, nobody was demeaned. Your childhood group was like a band of brothers: loyal, physical, heroic.

    In some ways, I'm a gifted observer of men, especially their self-confidence, their sense of self-love and their sense of standing in the male community. Larger cocked men almost always have a high self-confidence, unless they never received positive affirmation about their anatomy. (Hung guys that were laughed at for that attribute become have difficulty.) Smaller guys just tend to either overcompensate Personally, I had a grower that didn't at all show well, and even had guys kind of gasp when they saw me naked. What they didn't know was how much it did grow. But those gasps that I heard, or at least thought I heard, isolated me from the male community.

    But the most important attribute that really defines a man's sense of masculinity is know much a son feels loved and accepted by his own father. More than anything, that fatherly love determines the moral character and sense of self-worth. There are just far to many men that don't feel the love of any fatherly figure or brotherly figure. But there are exceptions: men that know and feel the love of the Heavenly Father actually have the greatest gift. Sometimes it takes decades to understand and experience that love, but it is what every man needs.


I deeply regret that I must reinstate the verification process for those who want to leave comments on my blog. This is due to the intolerable amount of spam that spammers are attempting to leave on the blog.

At the same time I am changing settings so that those of you who have a Google Blogger ID or other recognized blogger ID will not have to have your comments moderated. My hope is this will encourage more readers to take the time to comment. The fact is I want to read comments with those of you who disagree with me as well as those of you who agree with me. All I ask is that you keep your comments clean and non-threatening.

The only reason I take the time to write this blog is to spur your thoughts and comments. Please do not let the spammers cause you not to comment. I know entering the verification words and numbers is a pain in the ass, but I hope you will not let the spammers cause you not to comment.

I still very much look forward to hearing from you.

Jack Scott

Anyone can comment on what I write in this blog. Regretfully, the recent amount of spam in my email account as required that I reinstate the word verification process for comments which I personally hate.

But at the same time I have loosened the comment moderation process so that those of you who have a Google Blogger ID or other recognized blogger ID will no longer need to wait for your comment to be moderated. I'm hoping this will tempt you to take the trouble to comment.

The truth is I want respectful comments both from those who agree with me and those who do not. All I as is that you keep comments to the point, clean and non-threatenting.

I look forward to hearing from each of you.

Jack Scott