When I was only 6 years old I stepped things up quite a bit. I got into an "I'll show you mine, if you'll show me yours" situation with the 6 year old girl next door. She eagerly agreed; in fact, in all honesty, I'm not sure it wasn't her idea. I quickly decided I had the better end of the bargain when it came to equipment. There wasn't much to see with hers but I enjoyed checking it out.
That year I also first began having sexual encounters with another guy. That was much more exciting. He had equipment very much like my own and somewhere along the way (he was a year older) he had figured out a boy could do more than just make his penis feel good, he could make his whole body feel good through playing with his penis. I didn't know at that time it was called "orgasm", but when he showed me how to make an orgasm happen, I sure knew it felt good and having felt it, I was hooked. I wanted to feel it as often as possible. As often as possible quickly became every day and sometimes 2 or 3 times a day.
This young friend, I'll call him Chris, was the first to introduce me to the concept of sex as something of an outlier. Of course, I couldn't have and didn't understand the idea of sexual activity and sexuality as an outlier at age 6. But over the coming years I was going to become very familiar with the reality that human sexuality itself is an outlier of profound importance and staggering impacts.
Having introduced me to male/male sexual play, my young friend proceeded to arrange for me to be initiated into a wider group of boys who were all aware of the joys to be had from playing with one's penis. It wasn't much of an initiation really, just my introduction to the group as a willing, very willing, player. These boys ranged from 7 - 10 years old. I already knew all of them since it was a small town and a small school. I just didn't know about "the group."
I soon recognized another outlier. Chris had also introduced me to sucking cock. He taught me how to suck his, and he enjoyed returning the favor. It was a regular part of our play together. However, that kind of play never took place in the group or within the sight of the other boys. In the group there was only nudity, mutual touching and mutual masturbation. Oral sex was never a part of the group play. He and I were outliers in that way too. It didn't matter to me. Sucking Chris' cock felt good. Having him suck mine to orgasm was beyond description.
Through the following years, I began to comprehend more and more that human sexuality, specifically my sexuality and the sexuality of my circle of friends, was an outlier to life as life as it was said life should be. Being only 6 when I was first brought into the group, I was cautioned by the older boys that what we were doing was a secret and it could not be shared with anyone outside the group, especially parents. For whatever reason, I didn't need to be told that. I had been playing with my own cock for a couple of years that I remembered, and I had always made sure not to be discovered at it by my parents or to mention it to them. That just seemed the way it should be for some reason. My parents, in particular my mother, were not uptight about sex, so the feeling I should keep it to myself didn't come from sexual repression on the part of my parents. It just seemed natural that the group and what the group did should not be discussed.
At first I was only aware of the physical outliers concerning sex, the size of my cock and Chris' cock as compared to the other guy's cocks, the fact that Chris and I sucked each other's cocks, but as far as I knew that was something the other boys didn't do. It didn't bother me that it seemed to be only me and Chris that did it. It sure did feel good on both sides of the equation and the more Chris and I did it the better it seemed to feel. I didn't think of the group as an outlier at all. Almost everyone was part of the group. The group was just normal boys being normal boys to me.
But over the next few years, several things happened that gave me new insight into sex and into sex other than the type of sex I was involved with in the group. The biggest source of new information came when my mother became pregnant with my little brother. Being open minded about such things, she used her condition as the opportunity to tell me, in terms I could understand, how pregnancy was achieved and to tell me sex was a normal thing for married men and women to do and while it was a recreational thing, its primary purpose was pregnancy and babies. Frankly I was elated. The importance of her words to me was that sex and all it was to me already plus sexual things I had not yet experienced were a normal part of adult life. I couldn't wait. I looked forward to that day with great anticipation. A whole new world began to open up in my mind though at the time it was really just the glimmer of an outlying world I could barely comprehend.
It was only a short time later that a significant event occurred in the small church which my family and I, as well as all my jacking buddies in the group and their families, attended. Still being just a boy I wasn't told anything directly but I overheard enough of the grownups talking to combine with what I was observing and figure out what had happened. The preacher, who was married, had been caught with the church secretary in a compromising situation in the church office. This resulted in the church secretary quitting her job and leaving town and in the preacher leaving and being replaced with a new preacher. Big words I'd never heard before such as "adultery"and "extramarital sexual relations" were used. Another outlier was duly noted in my mind. Even preachers who were real good about talking about sin and such and warning of the consequences of it, were capable of preaching one thing and carrying on another. They were capable of adultery and extramarital sex.
As I grew older and became a teenager the list of sexual outliers I encountered grew longer and longer. At church we were taught that the things of the world were sinful. And it seemed that in spite of sex being necessary for bringing babies into the world, there was an awful lot of talk about the evils of sex. It was all very confusing to me at some level because frankly, sex sure did feel good. How could it be evil?
When I was 11 or 12 years old, I was aware from personal experience, as well as anecdotal experience that sucking cock was not just something Chris and I did. There were other guys who were interested in that activity. One in particular was a good looking kid who lived a block from me. His mother worked and so he was home alone after school. Many an afternoon, he and I would lay in his bedroom floor and 69 each other. Oral sex might be an outlier, but not near the outlier, I had once thought it to be.
By the time I was 14, I had a driver's license, a job and a car. I was also dating girls and enjoying it. What I was eventually going to identify as my bisexuality, was a real benefit to me during this time of my life. By this time a few other accidental pregnancies had occurred among couples who I knew from school. I was now very much aware such a thing could potentially ruin my life. I was also much aware that while I enjoyed dating girls and making out, orgasms and cuming were best enjoyed with my guy friends. I couldn't get them pregnant. These outliers, it seemed, could be beneficial or not, depending on how one used them.
(The Outliers Part II to Follow)
Jack Scott
Did we grow up together? This sounds exactly like where I grew up, although my minister didn't have any scandals...
ReplyDeleteThe other interesting thing is that as time went on, with any of the "best buddies" growing up, they seemed to stray from one another, out of a feeling of embarrassment. All the sex play and experimentation was never to be spoken of, and girls were the new trophy to hold. I hated it! I had no interest in sex play with girls, and the thought of getting someone pregnant was unthinkable!
I hated it, and in spite of being outed and enduring all the torment that comes along with that, I was starved for sex with my guy friends. No more play? How frustrating! It was then when I was a freshman in high school that I realized I was a "homosexual". "The word "gay" didn't exist in it's present context]. A big, BIG secret that I'd have to live with, although much to my chagrin, many others already knew.
Jack,
ReplyDeleteYour story is very much like that of my gay buddy Jake's growing up in a European town, although he was older when the group of boys formed a jerk off contest group. For me, just a few secret sessions fondling a cousin and some other boy scouts, and one spontaneous scout circle jerk, left me knowing this was something that turned me on much more than most other boys. And of course I knew not to talk to adults about it and that there were suspicions
among the parents.
You at least had a regular reciprocal relationship with Chris and that kept you from feeling totally alone. Also for a man of faith, you seem to have had not religious guilt about it. I felt that kind of shame sometimes, so like many young men was alone with these thoughts and rare actions and sometimes felt I was a "sinner"
Your term outlier really resonates. I look forward to the next installment. You were so lucky to have had this initiation and relationship with Chris let you understand how natural and good this kind of male sexuality can be.
I've been ripped off . . . I never found a group of buddies to play with!! Although, I tried playing "doggy" (naked) with boy across the street in his backyard doghouse once. His mother spotted this and shrieked at us . . . threatened to tell my Mom. No wonder I was in the closet for the next 40+ years! Thanks for the post and glad you're back up!
ReplyDeleteJack:
ReplyDeleteYour stories of your youth are so enchanting, enriching, innocent, and downright wholesome. Although my childhood was not filled with mutual innocent curiousity about another boys body, just hearing your stories brings a sense of healing to my youth. We should still now be as children to other grown men, as you were once were with your childhood friends.
Just being with those friends and exposing the most sensitive part of your body to each other and touching each other in a good way, that's a feeling of community I wanted as a child, and now as an adult want that with an age appropiate community even more.
Interesting how your friends acknowledgement of your cock size validated your sense of masculinity even as a boy. Even among your friends, they almost certainly felt privileged to be your buddy, and to be touched and affirmed their masculinity, as they had equipment that you showed interest in. Male bonding is so much about physicality, exploration, and the visual dimension, and you were so fortunate to be introduced to all those as a child. Your friends must have been all of good and noble character for that age: nobody tattled, nobody was ridiculed, nobody was demeaned. Your childhood group was like a band of brothers: loyal, physical, heroic.
In some ways, I'm a gifted observer of men, especially their self-confidence, their sense of self-love and their sense of standing in the male community. Larger cocked men almost always have a high self-confidence, unless they never received positive affirmation about their anatomy. (Hung guys that were laughed at for that attribute become have difficulty.) Smaller guys just tend to either overcompensate Personally, I had a grower that didn't at all show well, and even had guys kind of gasp when they saw me naked. What they didn't know was how much it did grow. But those gasps that I heard, or at least thought I heard, isolated me from the male community.
But the most important attribute that really defines a man's sense of masculinity is know much a son feels loved and accepted by his own father. More than anything, that fatherly love determines the moral character and sense of self-worth. There are just far to many men that don't feel the love of any fatherly figure or brotherly figure. But there are exceptions: men that know and feel the love of the Heavenly Father actually have the greatest gift. Sometimes it takes decades to understand and experience that love, but it is what every man needs.