The Old Man

I have said it many times, I am fortunate to have lived the most blessed of lives. I was born to parents who were very poor in terms of money and property, but who were incredibly wealthy in terms of spirit, pride, the willingness to work and pursue dreams for a better life for themselves and their boys.

I was close to both my parents. As a young boy my Dad often worked shift work which meant that two weeks out of three he worked nights. On those nights, I would refuse to go to bed until he got home around midnight. I would vow to wait up for him but I would always crawl under the coffee table and go to sleep. When he got home he would carry me to bed, and I would never know.

As I got older my Dad took seriously his duty to prepare me to be a man. Even as a very young boy I had chores to do and the chores got increasingly harder as I grew older. Sometimes, I thought my Dad was the worst Dad there was because often it seemed my friends didn't have to work near as hard as my brothers and I did. Yet, with a job well done, my Dad always saw to it that there were rewards. Even the rewards though often had a dual purpose as when my Dad bought me and my brother a horse. We had lots of fun with that horse. It made us mobile and let us roam far and wide in the countryside.

But any of you who have ever been around horses, know that it takes a hell of a lot of work to feed and water and brush a horse. Looking back, I know for certain that the horse was a reward for hard work, but more than that, my Dad saw it as another step in our learning responsibility and the reward of a job well done.

When my Dad worked days or slept days because he had worked the night before, there was always work assigned which had to be completed by the time he got home from work or by the time he got up. Woe be it, if the job was not accomplished; and woe be it if it was not accomplished well enough to pass Dad's inspection which always came.

By the time I was ten years old, I was not only expected to do my chores around the house, in the yard or in the barn yard; but I was expected to work to provide my own spending money. By that time my family had moved solidly into the middle class due to the hard work of Dad & Mom, but you'd never know it from Dad's attitude.

"Son," he'd say, "The world is a cruel place and it doesn't give a damn about you. Anything you get from the world you're going to have to work for and be willing to work hard." At age ten working hard meant mowing lawns for the neighbors throughout the summers. By the time I was fourteen years old I was working part time after school and on weekends in a local business. I hated to have to work while my friends were out having fun, but as far as Dad was concerned it was work or don't eat.

But as always, there were rewards. Dad came home with a new boat one day. My brothers and I were on cloud nine. He took us all out to the lake and taught us how to water ski. I took to it like a duck takes to water. It became my favorite sport. There were other times when Dad took me hunting or fising. There were trips to the mountains which the whole family enjoyed.

Though I didn't always appreciate Dad's attitude about work as a young boy, looking back now, I realize I owe Dad and Mom for everything I have. All my achievements in life, I owe to my Dad's unbending requirement to work and work well. "Anything worth doing is worth doing well Son," he'd say.

Looking back on the life I've lived and the achievements I've made, I realize now that I'd never have made them if I hadn't understood the necessity and the joy of hard work and the rewards it can bring. Learning that work can be fun was a gift my Dad gave to (forced on) me.

Dad has been gone almost 30 years now. It doesn't seem possible. He was such a force of nature and such a presence in my life, I never dreamed he could die. It just didn't seem possible; now, 30 years later, it still doesn't. But I know Dad would be proud of me and my accomplishments. He probably wouldn't approve of my retiring at age 63. He was too much into work for that. But on the other hand, he'd be very proud that I accomplished enough to have the ability to afford to retire at age 63, and he would be happy to note that while I've retired I still work for the pure joy of it.

As I've mentioned before, I learn a great deal from music and poetry. Some of the best philosophy I've ever read has been in the lyrics of a song. One of my favorite groups is Celtic Thunder. Everytime I hear their song, "The Old Man," I think about my Dad. The You Tube version of the song is embedded below. Listen carefully to the lyrics.

I have mentioned many times that human males are complicated beings and male sexuality is a extremely complex. It is true. Just from observing life, my own as well as others, I have seen how vital a father is to a boy. I am convinced that much of the turmoil we see in the younger generations today is because too many boys have been raised by single mothers with no father figure in their lives.

An appropriate father figure is an absolute necessity for a boy. He can survive without it, but he cannot flourish. Absent a real father, a boy needs a grandfather, an uncle or some other older man in his life who is honestly interested enough in him to teach him to become a man.

Boys who never have a father figure in their lives, more often than not, are at some level aware that something is missing in their lives. From a psychological standpoint the lessons learned from a father figure are critical. But it's more complicated than that. The boy must not only learn the lessons his father teaches him, he must also at some point in his mid to late teens break away from his father and stand on his own two feet. This breaking of the old father/boy bond and the beginning of a new adult son/father bond is an integral part of becoming a man. Sadly, the average 30 year old is now still living in the home he grew up in, his mother is washing his underwear and his Dad is supporting him financially while the boy/man often does nothing more productive that play video games. It is doubtful that such a man child will ever become a fully and properly functioning man.

For men, the absolute need for a bond with other men does not end with the bond between father and son. The need for bonding with other men remains strong all through a man's life. Unfortunately, American society and American wives in particular do not recognize these male/male bonds as necessary or legitimate. Too many women today have the misguided opinion that their husband should be their best friend as well, and he should be content to involve her in every aspect of his life. This misguided view on the part of women is perplexing because at the same time women make this demand of their husbands, they are more often than not, quite demanding that they be allowed to spend a great deal of time with their girlfriends. For some reason girls' nights out and lunch with the girls is considered normal. It is also considered normal for a woman to tell her girlfriends the most intimate information about her married life, but a guys' night out and a desire to spend time with other men outside of work or perhaps other than on the golf course is not considered normal at all.

I am convinced that the internet and the information age it has ushered in is going to change the way men see themselves for ever. More and more, men are beginning to realize that men are naturally wired to run in packs. They are naturally wired to bond with other men, and they are even wired to form an intimate bond with a particular man who has something to contribute to their life and whose life they can contribute something in turn.

More and more often young men in their twenties and thirties are forming special bonds with older men in their fifties and sixties. I think this is the result of so many boys having been raised with no father figure or a father figure who didn't take enough interest in them, spend enough time with them or demand enough of them. The need for a bond with a man is so strong that such men are driven to form it even as adults. I believe it is something they instinctually understand they need.

I am the most blessed of men. I had a father who taught me to be a man. I have had bonded buddies and a wife who understood my need for such. If I could wish one wish for each of you, I'd wish for you to find that special buddy for yourself.

I miss the Old Man. I thank him for all he did for me. I'm thankful I got the chance to raise my own son in the same way my Old Man raised me.

Jack Scott

As a married bisexual man, I was extremely fortunate that when I decided to tell my wife about my bisexuality. She was, if not happy about it, at least understanding of the fact that I had made no choices in the matter.

I was also fortunate that at the time I told her our children were well adjusted and successful adults with children of their own.

Because of these things, the impact on our strong, long-term marriage was slight. That is not to say there was no impact. There were things that impacted her and things that impacted me. Interestingly enough the things that affected us were feelings rather than facts. She had trouble adjusting to the feeling that I might decide I'd rather live with my buddy than with her. I had trouble accepting that she could be so understanding. I worried about the pain she might be feeling but not expressing.

At about the same time I told my wife about my bisexuality, two of my close married friends were having to adjust to the self realization they were not married bisexual men but married homosexual men. Each of them initially tried to mitigate the impact of this realization by vowing to stay in their respective marriages until their children were out of high school. In both cases it simply did not work. In both cases, it was their youngest daughters who finally asked them when they were going to get a divorce. Both daughters had observed the increasing malice each marriage partner had for the other and they certainly observed first hand the shouting, the anger and the fighting.

In all of my talks with married non-straight men, I have found there is always an excuse why divorce is not possible. What I have never seen is a valid excuse. The reality is no matter how many times one partner threatens to divorce the other, many times it is a power play and a misguided attempt to gain concessions from the other spouse. 

In particular, almost any marriage counselor will confirm most women will never really pursue a divorce until they have someplace to go, either to another man or to a career that will support them and their children. The same marriage counselor will confirm that many men will not leave until they are forced out my their wives. Men are often content to live with the fighting and the bickering. The truth is they can often more effectively block it out than can their wives. For men, the devil they know is often preferable to the devil they don't know. Every man has a fear of growing old all alone. Their marriages may be shams but at least they are not alone.

But no matter the circumstances, a failed and broken marriage can seldom be hidden from the children. They almost always have an idea of what is going on.

The following article is reprinted from a recent opinion piece in the New York Times. It is must reading and must thinking for every couple who fight.

Jack Scott

OPINION

Keeping Marital Secrets Closeted

By JANE ISAY

Published: November 24, 2011

THIS summer, soon after gay marriage became legal in New York, my sons held a wedding for my former husband and his partner of over 30 years. The grandchildren were flower girl and ring bearers. The wedding thrust me back to the time when we faced a terrible choice and decided to stay married for the children. That’s what motivated my then husband and me to carry on our incomplete marriage for its last nine years, and that’s how we explained our actions after the divorce. It was a convenient truth, and also a self-serving one.

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Ruth Gwily

The year was 1980. I was waiting for my husband of 15 years to return from the last party of a psychiatry convention. I could hear voices from down the hall, happy men enjoying their time together. When he came in, his face was grave. He sat down on the bed and said, “I have something I need to tell you.” He took a deep breath. “I’m homosexual.” At that moment I saw my future collapse before my eyes. I got the chills and ran to take a hot bath. It gave me time to think and warmed me, but not for long. We spent the night talking and lamenting. On the plane home, we held each other and sobbed and planned. By the time we landed, we had decided to keep his sexual orientation a secret and stay married for the sake of the children.

Of course we both wanted to protect our sons, who were 10 and 14. Divorce was not uncommon then, but the circumstances surrounding our relationship were controversial and would have created a scandal in our small university town, so staying married for the children helped us both feel better about ourselves and our lies. We thought they didn’t notice any change, and we were mistaken. Secrets have a way of seeping into the atmosphere. Kids are natural observers. They watch parents like hawks, and they know when something is wrong, even if they don’t know what. I desperately wanted the charade to work at home — we were doing this for the children. So covering for my husband on his two nights a week out, and his two vacations a year became second nature — he was a busy man with many meetings.

I paid a price for my silence with my closest friends, because a secret of this magnitude builds barriers. I just couldn’t bear to show them the spot I was in. And I was leery of advice. When I felt so alone, I could always remind myself what a good person I was being, sacrificing for the children.

The other reasons for staying married were not so charming. If I had thought, I’m staying for the money, I might have questioned the lies I told my sons about where their father was on the nights he spent with his future husband. Or if he had thought, I’m staying to promote my career as a psychoanalyst, he might have felt a little heavy on the ambition scale. Or if we both had realized that we were just too scared to face the world alone, I might have given up some of the pretending, and he might have realized the gravity of his original secret.

But never mind. We had an explanation that made people admire us when we finally went public. Other truths might have evoked pity or suspicion: what’s the matter with her radar? How could she accept a half a marriage instead of a whole one? Who is she, really? To say we stayed married for the children put an end to uncomfortable questions.

If I had faced the other reasons to stay in the marriage, the burden of our lies would probably have been harder to bear. But the burden on our sons might also have been lightened. It’s not so great for kids to be told they are the cause of their parents’ behavior, especially when that’s only part of the story. When they finally learned the truth, our sons were more disturbed by our deception than by the facts. Our reasons didn’t seem to matter anymore. Truth trumps lies every time.

The phrase “we stayed married for the children” is like a silk duvet on a complicated and imperfect marriage bed. Nobody really wants to turn back the covers, the unhappy spouses least of all.

The author of “Walking on Eggshells,” who is working on a book about family secrets
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A version of this op-ed appeared in print on November 27, 2011, on page SR5 of the New York edition with the headline: Keeping Marital Secrets Closeted. Click here to see the original post on the internet.

Favicon Curse

I hope you've noticed my Favicon. It's such a small thing, literally small; but getting it made and published as a part of Blogger was a big pain in the ass.

For those of you who are not bloggers yourself; but just read those of us who do blog, consider yourselves lucky to be free of the curse of being a blogger. Not only do you have to think of things to write and then get them written in some way that half way communicates what you wanted to say, you have to do this on some web site such a Blogger that is a wonderful tool and well worth much more than what we pay for it, which is nothing. But while its a great program its filled with bugs that they don't pay much attention too. Sometimes even after they admit to a bug it will take them a year or more to fix it.

Much of this is not Bloggers fault. Writing a program is complicated work indeed. Not only do you have to build it, you must build it so that it works with PC's and with Mac's. Not an easy task. And then you have to also build it so that it works with Internet Explorer and Safari and FireFox and who knows how many other browsers.

Sometimes something will work with one browser but not with others. Such is the case with the lowly Favicon. When I added mine it worked immediately on FireFox but was no where to be seen on Safari. It took me  hours and hours and some tips I Googled on line to realize that it was showing up on other people's Safari, just not mine.

So much for stress free blogging. The main purpose of the Favicon is so that when you see my blog in some other bloggers blog roll, you'll immediately catch site of the blue "J" and the red "S" and know you're looking at the URL to Jack Scott's  JS blog. I think it was worth all the effort.

So many people that blog are so kind and helpful. Thanks to my friends and fellow bloggers, my picture blog is going to pass the 50,000 visitor mark sometime this weekend after only 5 months in existence. Visitors went from 3,000 in September to 21,000 in October after Artistry of Male, Dean at Guys Like Me and other friendly and helpful bloggers added my blog to their blog rolls. I'm thankful to all of them and I have added all the blogs these guys do to my own blog roll.

I am glad I blog about bisexual men. At least I get to include hot pictures in my blogs. That is a definite stress reliever. Well, it relieves some stress and creates other, I should say. But that's a good thing.

Thanks for all your support of my blogs. If you have not done so, I hope you become a member and a follower.


Jack Scott

Thanatopsis

When I was in high school I discovered William Cullen Bryant's poem, "Thanatopsis." The poem which is a meditation on death became a favorite of mine. Though it spoke of death, it did so with a majestic acceptance of that which each of us must experience.

I was probably 14 or 15 years old at the time I first read the poem. Still very much young enough that I felt immortal and invincible. Death was only a remote terminus that I could hardly imagine. Yet, the seeming remoteness of my own death did not diminish my appreciation for the poem.

Almost five decades have now passed since I first read this poem. Death is no longer a remote possibility. Without the miracles of modern medicine, I would have faced it almost at decade ago. By the time one reaches my age, he has seen death many times. Classmates, friends, grandparents, parents, uncles and aunts, not necessarily in the proper order, have all had their one rendezvous with death. I find in the experience of all this death and the realization that my own death is not longer remote, the poem is a comfort to me.

While its subject is often seen as morbid, the poem is really not morbid at all. It is instead, a recognition of the inevitability of death; yet an urgent call to life well lived.

I have spoken often in my blog of the fact that living life well as a married bisexual man is a most difficult thing. Male sexuality is a very complex thing. In my opinion, bisexuality is the most complex sexual issue a man can face. As bisexual men, we must overcome the denial some segments of our society still harbor about our very existence. We must overcome the scorn of those who see us as cheaters and liars who are only concerned with our own needs. Even without the overt condemnation of society, most of us must live with our own guilt, shame and self-hatred for years as we attempt to grow into an understanding and acceptance of ourselves for what we are. Many of us never reach the point of acceptance and self-understanding. It can be very illusive in a society where even those who are supposed to forgive others their trespasses and treat each man as his brother somehow find a way to make an exception to that requirement in the case of bisexual men.

Never-the-less, Bryant still calls us to a life well lived as he reminds us of the certain approach of our death. As a blogger about married men and their bisexuality and as a moderator of a group for married bisexual men, I have come into contact with a huge number of married bisexual and married homosexual men over the past fifteen years. Most of these contacts have been via the internet. A few have been personal contacts.

In all the contacts, I have had, I don't think I have ever met a married bisexual man who did not struggle in some way with his sexuality. Some have been lucky enough that their struggle was brief and fairly easy to manage. Others have lived in clinical depression for years because of their sexuality. Still others have become suicidal over the issue.

Unfortunately, among the thousands of men I have talked to regarding their bisexuality, only a minority have found a way to manage it in a way that brings them peace of mind, personal fulfillment and a sense of being whole while at the same time preserving their marriages and family ties.

I see this as tragic because I know men, including myself, who have been able to accomplish all of that and more. The compounding of the tragedy is that so many men I have met simply cannot bring themselves to really even try. They are simply overwhelmed by their fear, their guilt and their shame and they make a conscious,  yet unspoken decision to live out their lives in a dark closet.

The truth is one cannot change the fact that he is a bisexual man. He can change the way he sees himself as a bisexual man and the way he lives his life as a bisexual man. It takes courage, it takes help and it takes a sense of self esteem, but it can be done.

I spoke this morning via phone to a friend who lost everything he had, including his wife and sons, because of his sexuality. He spent years trying to figure it all out and put a new life in place for himself. Now in his 50's he has finally managed to do just that. He told me this morning that his only regret was all the years that passed in the struggle that cannot be retrieved now that he has found himself and happiness. All I could tell him was to be thankful for and look ahead to the years he has ahead of himself. True he lost many years, but his is a story of success. At least he tried and he over came. Those who will not or cannot bring themselves to even try are the tragic ones.

"Thanatopsis" is a reminder that we are all equal in life in that we all face uncertainties and trials. Even more, it is a reminder that we are not all equal in death. Some of us reach a point where we can look death in the eye and embrace it knowing we have lived our lives well. Other are overtaken by death still burdened with their fears, their uncertainties, their trials and their failures.

I urge each of you who have not come to a reconciliation with your sexuality to vow to do so as quickly as possible. Find a way to live your life well. There is unfortunately no one answer for how to do that. Each man is unique and in an essentially unique situation. Each man must answer for himself as to how he must live his life well, but each man can find a way to do it. The good news is there is help for you. Men who have won the struggle are usually eager to help others win it too.

The You Tube video below was taken from the internet and is a school project of a high school student.  Please watch it and listen to it and let it inspire you to a live well lived. For those of you who prefer to read the poem as well, it is printed below in its entirety.

My sincerest wishes to each of you for a life of harmony lived well.

Jack Scott

545 X 300

THANATOPSIS
by: William Cullen Bryant (1794-1878)

TO him who in the love of Nature holds

Communion with her visible forms, she speaks

A various language; for his gayer hours

She has a voice of gladness, and a smile

And eloquence of beauty, and she glides

Into his darker musings, with a mild

And healing sympathy, that steals away

Their sharpness, ere he is aware. When thoughts

Of the last bitter hour come like a blight

Over thy spirit, and sad images

Of the stern agony, and shroud, and pall,

And breathless darkness, and the narrow house,

Make thee to shudder and grow sick at heart;--

Go forth, under the open sky, and list

To Nature's teachings, while from all around--

Earth and her waters, and the depths of air--

Comes a still voice--Yet a few days, and thee

The all-beholding sun shall see no more

In all his course; nor yet in the cold ground,

Where thy pale form was laid with many tears,

Nor in the embrace of ocean, shall exist

Thy image. Earth, that nourish'd thee, shall claim

Thy growth, to be resolved to earth again,

And, lost each human trace, surrendering up

Thine individual being, shalt thou go

To mix for ever with the elements,

To be a brother to the insensible rock,

And to the sluggish clod, which the rude swain

Turns with his share, and treads upon. The oak

Shall send his roots abroad, and pierce thy mould.






 





































Yet not to thine eternal resting-place

Shalt thou retire alone, nor couldst thou wish

Couch more magnificent. Thou shalt lie down

With patriarchs of the infant world--with kings,

The powerful of the earth--the wise, the good,

Fair forms, and hoary seers of ages past,

All in one mighty sepulchre. The hills

Rock-ribb'd and ancient as the sun,--the vales

Stretching in pensive quietness between;

The venerable woods; rivers that move

In majesty, and the complaining brooks

That make the meadows green; and, pour'd round all,

Old Ocean's grey and melancholy waste,--

Are but the solemn decorations all

Of the great tomb of man. The golden sun,

The planets, all the infinite host of heaven,

Are shining on the sad abodes of death,

Through the still lapse of ages. All that tread

The globe are but a handful to the tribes

That slumber in its bosom.--Take the wings

Of morning, pierce the Barcan wilderness,

Or lose thyself in the continuous woods

Where rolls the Oregon and hears no sound

Save his own dashings--yet the dead are there:

And millions in those solitudes, since first

The flight of years began, have laid them down

In their last sleep--the dead reign there alone.

So shalt thou rest: and what if thou withdraw

In silence from the living, and no friend

Take note of thy departure? All that breathe

Will share thy destiny. The gay will laugh

When thou art gone, the solemn brood of care

Plod on, and each one as before will chase

His favourite phantom; yet all these shall leave

Their mirth and their employments, and shall come

And make their bed with thee. As the long train

Of ages glides away, the sons of men,

The youth in life's green spring, and he who goes

In the full strength of years, matron and maid,

The speechless babe, and the gray-headed man--

Shall one by one be gathered to thy side

By those who in their turn shall follow them.

 

So live, that when thy summons comes to join

The innumerable caravan which moves

To that mysterious realm where each shall take

His chamber in the silent halls of death,

Thou go not, like the quarry-slave at night,

Scourged by his dungeon; but, sustain'd and soothed

By an unfaltering trust, approach thy grave,

Like one who wraps the drapery of his couch

About him, and lies down to pleasant dreams.

"Thanatopsis" is reprinted from Yale Book of American Verse. Ed. Thomas R. Lounsbury. New Haven: Yale University Press, 1912.

What If I Had Known?

One of the hardest questions bisexual men have to deal with is whether or not to tell the woman in their lives about their bisexuality.

Today, when bisexuality is accepted by most experts as a normal variation in sexual expression and information about bisexuality is readily available on the internet and other sources, many young men who are anticipating marriage may already recognize they are bisexual men and be very concerned about what to say to the woman in their live, if anything, and how to say it.

For men who are already married and are 40 years old or older, their understanding of their own bisexuality might be something they themselves are just beginning to recognize and seeking to understand. What these men should tell their wives, if anything; and how they should tell them takes on significant and irreversible implications.

In my experience, I find men in either situation are conflicted about what they should do. More often than not, they are dealing with guilt about their bisexuality. They want to do the right thing, but overwhelming fear often leaves them not knowing exactly what the right thing is.

For a young man who has fallen in love, telling the woman he loves he is bisexual could cause her to back out of the relationship. For men who are already married to a wife whom they love, with families, professional lives, and status in their community, telling what they have come to know about their sexuality can possibly wreck their own life and that of their wife and children as well.

The open discussion of such things on the internet can be instrumental in helping either a young man just starting out or an older man with a wife and family to think through his own situation carefully and fully. Unfortunately, the discussion on the internet can also be conflicting and confusing. There are those who will tell bisexual men they have no ethical choice and no moral choice except to tell regardless of what the fallout may be. Others will take a more nuanced approach and stress to the bisexual men that each situation if essentially unique and that only they can decide what is best for their specific circumstance.

I tend to take the latter approach. Frankly, I consider myself to be a moral person, but I admit I have trouble with people who tend to see and insist on moral absolutes which they have defined for other people's lives. There are always people who are ready to decide what is moral for other people and more than willing to insist that people live by the moral absolutes that others have identified as proper.

The problem is, people who are quick to see moral or ethical absolutes are people who see the world only in black and white. To them, something is either good or it is bad. The truth is much more complex. The real world is almost always hued in shades of gray. Admittedly it might be easier if everything were either a black or a white issue. It simply isn't.

Unfortunately, in America today, Right Wing Christians are one group which is always ready to claim they have a lock on the moral high ground. They don't. This should be obvious even to Right Wing Christians, since there are millions of Christians scattered throughout the world in hundreds if not thousands of denominations and sects and all of them believing something different about how Christianity is supposed to work. The simple fact is Christian precepts are not black and white either. They come in all shades of gray.

In my experience, I have had friends who have been truthful and straight forward about their bisexuality and it has worked out well for them. I also have friends who, because they were truthful and straight forward, lost everything they had. These men invariably regret and grieve their losses.

In my own case, once I came to understand my bisexuality and recognize it for what it was, I told my wife. Fortunately, by that time our marriage was happy, strong and well grounded. It survived the telling with relatively few problems. I had counted on that being the case. My wife is a professional person and well educated. She is a psychotherapist who is involved almost daily in marriage counseling and sexual counseling. She is very much aware that homosexuality, bisexuality and even heterosexuality are not choices one makes. They are the result of some combination of genetic markers and nurture.

Telling my wife about my bisexuality actually helped me to understand it better. We talked about it over the course of many long and detailed conversations. In one of those conversations, she said something to me that had a great impact on me and an impact on the advice I give to others in a similar situation.

She said, she was glad I told her, but she was glad I hadn't told her before we married when we were 18 years old. She said we have a wonderful marriage and she is glad that we've been able to build the life we have together; however, had I told her at age 18, she wouldn't have understood, she wouldn't have married me, and knowing everything she knows now, she would regret not having married me.

In a lot of ways this makes sense. Most men who are bisexual or homosexual spend years trying to understand their sexuality and getting to a place where they can accept themselves as they are rather than as they would choose to be. It is almost always a long, hard and difficult process and these men are living that process every day.

Since it takes them so long to understand it and to accept it, is it any wonder that very few wives can understand it or accept it when it is suddenly thrust into their lives without warning of any kind?

Bisexual men come in for a great deal of scorn. Among the most scornful are women who have found out their husbands are bisexual. Almost always, the scornful women have allowed themselves to fall into a pit of self pity and anger. The whole situation becomes solely about them and what has been done to them. They never once stop to think about the agony their husbands have gone through, not to mention the fear and the self-hate.

For me, it was much different. One of the things that was hardest for my wife to deal with was the fact that we had been married for years and she had never noticed the pain I was in and the struggle I was having with my sexuality. She felt as if she had failed me by not noticing.

Certain people make a big deal these days out of marriage supposedly being between one man and one woman. The trouble is we make a big deal about that when it fits our purposes, but we don't really believe it. The majority of people have now been married at least twice. The majority of men and a huge percentage of women have had sexual affairs outside their marriages. Even many Christian pastors and church leaders are themselves divorced these days. We simply do not really believe in the sanctity of marriage unless we're beating someone else over the head with it. I may be a married bisexual man, but I can honestly say I've been married for almost 50 years to the same woman and we have loved each other all those years. Not a lot of people can say that regardless of their sexuality.

All this is not to say that anything goes. I don't believe that at all. Sexual activity these days can be very dangerous when one has multiple partners. One simply has to look at the statistics. Sexually transmittable diseases are sharply increasing. A bisexual or heterosexual man who has unsafe sex with another partner and then has sex with his wife has failed at recognizing the realities of life. But I think its safe to say that more heterosexual men are doing such things than are bisexual men. Bisexual men just come in for more scorn. It's almost like heterosexual men are just being men and doing what is more or less expected.

Over the years, I have come to realize that the experts who say that human sexuality is a continuum along a line from exclusive heterosexuality on one extreme to exclusive homosexuality on the other extreme are correct. In between these two poles, everyone else is aligned including bisexuals. The estimates of just how many men have some attraction to and/or sexual experience with other men vary greatly in various studies. In almost all studies the number of women who admit to same sex attraction and/or experience far outnumbers the percentage of males who admit to the same type of attractions. Given that society is more accepting of female same sex activity and much more likely to condemn such activity by men, most researchers suspect that probably both sexes under report their same sex attractions with men much more likely to refuse to admit such feelings or experience.

One recent study reported 42% of men reported same sex thoughts and/or experience after age 16. Other studies put the percentage of such men at only 18%. I personally suspect both percentages are lower than they would be if men were able to report their feelings and experiences without fear and guilt.

Outside the ranks of fundamental Christians who have a bias they can't or won't overcome, there is no doubt that bisexuality is a normal expression of human sexuality. As a married man who has successfully managed and experienced his bisexuality and who as an older man is reaching the point in life at which sexuality is more a memory than a reality, I can honestly say that I never felt at peace with myself and I never felt whole until I both understood my bisexuality and accepted it as a part of what made me myself.

I have lived the most fortunate of lives. Now that there are far more years behind me than those remaining before me, I have few regrets. If I could change anything, I guess my first thought would be to have my understanding and acceptance of my bisexuality come earlier in life. However, to wish such a thing brings the possibility that it would have actually changed my life for the worse.

When I was 18 and about to marry, one's sexuality was not something that could be discussed openly, especially if one was not heterosexual. I knew my life had been different from some, but on the other hand it had been normal too. In the small Texas town I grew up in almost all boys played. Those who didn't were considered the weird kids.

As it was, I didn't even know there was such a thing as bisexuality. I knew about homosexuality, but that didn't apply to me. I knew I was very much attracted sexually to women and especially to my future wife. At the time, I had come to see my homosexual activity throughout my life as nothing more than a substitute for heterosexual sex. I felt that with marriage and a beautiful woman in my bed each night, the desire for male/male sex would simply vanish.

What if I had known the desires wouldn't vanish? What would I have decided to tell the woman I planned to marry? I honestly don't know. It is a question I think about some times. By her own admission, she would have more than likely called off the engagement, depriving both me and her of a happy and successful marriages, preventing the birth of our children and grandchildren as the persons they are today. That would have been a tragic thing.

Life is always a challenge. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy to achieve. I have few regrets. There is little I would change if I could do it all over again. I can think of nothing worse than coming to the end of one's life and thinking only of what might have been and regretting the things I had missed in life.

What if I had known? I'm glad I didn't.

Jack Scott

The Tragedy at Penn State

There is no doubt the events at Penn State are tragic. They are tragic for the kids who are alleged to have been sexually abused. They are tragic for those who had nothing to do with the events other than to catch sight of them and then do what the law required them to do, or to be told of them and do what the law required them to do. The events are tragic for school officials and their families and for the the student body at Penn State. They are even tragic for the alleged abuser and his family.

No kid should ever be sexually abused, period! Men who abuse boys who are sub teens or teenagers more than likely play mind games with themselves to convince themselves that it's okay. They think, probably correctly, that every teenage boy is interested in sex, so its okay. But they fail to understand the abuse of power that is always a part of any sexual activity between a man and a boy. The man in such a relationship will rationalize it in his mind and may even forget about it if he is not caught. The young man will never forget. It will be a part of  him for his entire life.

I know something about this because I was sexually molested by the father of one of my classmates when I was a teenager. The man owned a business in town and the event took place in the back room of that business when my father sent me there on an errand. It only happened once. I'm sure it could have happened again, but I made sure I was never alone in that place of business again.

I remember the event in vivid detail even now, 50 years later. I went into the shop and told the man what I needed. He said he had it in the back, and asked me to follow him. When we entered the back of the shop I was just behind him. He reached back and cupped his hand over my cock and balls and felt them through my jeans. He asked if I ever played with that thing.

I was shocked and stunned. My mind was racing but I could not think of anything to say except the truth and so I said that I did. He then asked if he could see it. Still somewhat shocked, I said okay. I remember exactly what was going through my mind as I said okay. I had been sexually active with other boys my own age for several years.  In all those years, I had never seen a boy whose equipment was bigger than mine. I had seen one boy whose equipment matched mine for size. I had always wondered what an adult male cock would look like hard since I had never seen one in that state. I thought this was my chance.

He reached over and unzipped my jeans and hauled out my cock, commenting on its size. He began to stroke it. Then he stopped for a moment and took out his own cock and asked me to stroke it. I did and I was actually elated because I was bigger than he was. He stroked me until I had an orgasm. Then he began to stroke his own cock to orgasm while I watched.

With the deed done, he found what I had come to get and gave it to me. I was out the door as fast as I could go. I have to say that the sex was not what bothered me most. All the way home all I could think was that it was a very small town and everyone knew what everyone else was doing. There were few secrets. That scared the shit out of me. I knew for certain if my Dad ever found out what had just happened to me, he would kill the man. Not figuratively, but literally.  In order to try to prevent that, I made a vow to myself to never speak of the event to anyone, and I hoped that he would do the same. I kept that vow and never told a soul until some 35 years later, long after the man was dead.

The physical act didn't bother me much, but it was never forgotten. I stayed away from the man, and I never spoke to him again. And until I went away to college, I worried that my Dad would find out. And I worried about what my Dad would do to him if he did. I worried that my Dad might end up in prison because of me.

It's hard to say how the young men at Penn State might be reacting to their abusive experience. I'm sure the eight of them (the last count I heard) are reacting and have reacted in different ways. Some of them probably have shaken it off and tucked it in the back of their minds. Others have probably been living with the same fear I lived with for years, that someone would find out. Fortunately, for me, that fear was never realized, but for these young men it has not only been realized, it has become a National News Story. Everyone knows! There is little doubt that these young men, once traumatized are about to have that trauma compounded on the National stage.

That makes me very concerned for these guys who are now young men. I know looking back on my own experience that had anyone found out, had it become common knowledge around town, much less common knowledge around the nation, the trauma from that would have been exponentially worse for me than the act itself. I suspect the same is true for some of these young men, and that is a tragedy too. Perhaps a bigger tragedy than what happened to them in those showers.

Frankly, I don't know the answer to this problem. The abuser, if guilty, deserves to be punished. But I hate that eight young men are going to have their worst nightmare replayed in front of the Nation. That is a real tragedy.

To me, the other tragedy is that at least two people who were made aware or became aware of the alleged abuse actually did what they were required to do under the law, but now with perfect 20/20 hindsight and with the mobs inflamed, these two people are being abused themselves by the press and by public opinion. It simply is another tragedy. The abuser and anyone who covered it up should be punished, but those who did their duty under the law should not be second guessed by an angry mob and the press which will play the story for all its worth and more with no thought to whom they may hurt.

The other thing that bothers me is that this tragedy will be used to further the bashing of gay and bisexual men though the man who committed the abuse was apparently a man living a straight live which is usually the case with abusers of boys. The event will also be used to further feed the unhealthy view of sexuality that is already rampant in the United States.

This picture was painted by Thomas Eakins around 1883. It is a well known painting of boys swimming in the "old swimming hole." The picture is a picture of boys being boys. Fast forward to the 1960's and it could have been a picture of me and my friends skinny dipping in my grandfather's pond.

It is a picture of an innocent age, an age that no longer exists. Today these young men as well as me and my friends skinny dipping in my grandfather's pond would be arrested for doing such a thing.

The reality is we have simply lost our way. We have criminalized boys being boys. In a very real way society itself is abusing boys by making them think that nudity itself is a bad thing. We have made them ashamed of their own bodies. The unhealthy picture we paint for our children sets them up for abuse. They don't feel they can talk to anyone about it if the get the feeling that someone is beginning to go to far with them.

Thomas Eakins painting is a well known classic, but if he were alive today and painted such a picture, he would likely be arrested and he would be branded a pervert. None of this is meant to imply in anyway that adult abusers of young men are not responsible for their actions and should not be punished. They should be punished! The young men whom they have abused will never be the same. Their lives and the way they see themselves is altered permanently. But society should not add to that tragedy by making young men ashamed of their bodies. We should not try to protect them from anything remotely sexual. Instead we should teach them carefully that there are abusers out there and assure them they can always talk to us if they are concerned that some adult seems to be getting too familiar with them.

That we have reached such a point in this country that young men are ashamed to talk to anyone and feel they must bear the burden of abuse alone is a tragedy. That we have made so many young men ashamed of their own bodies is also a tragedy.

Jack Scott

Looking at the Good Stuff

It has been a good week. It's not that there haven't been problems. There have been several; but for the last few years, I've made a great effort to not concentrate on the problems but to count my blessings instead.

This week has had a number of really BIG blessings. Some of them I've prayed for. Some of them I've seen coming and one was a huge and pleasant surprise.

For all Americans, the season of thanksgiving is rapidly approaching. The thing I like about Thanksgiving is that it is a time when both people of faith and those who are agnostic or atheist as well can and should be thankful for the good things in our lives. For those of us who are people of faith it is right for us to be thankful to God for all the blessings He has showered upon us. For those of us who do not believe, it is right for us to be thankful that we live in a country where the good things in life can almost be taken for granted, thankful for the freedom to be able to do what we want to do to get ahead a little and provide for our families, thankful for the cosmic miracle of our health and our intellect.

This blog is now routinely attracting 1200 to 1500 viewers a week. More and more often people that read my blog are contracting me to ask questions or seek advice or just to talk. I have no credentials other than my intellect, a great deal of empathy and a lifetime of experience all resulting in the most blessed of lives. A while back I mentioned I have a Google Voice Number and that any one reading this blog is welcome to ask for it and to call.

This week two of  you took me up on that offer. One of these guys and I talked for about three hours. The other talked for an hour and a half or so. They are both great guys, family men with their strengths and their weaknesses, their triumphs and their struggles, their questions and their concerns. In short they are guys just like all of us.

It was an honor to talk to these guys. I don't think I had any significant answers for either of them, but I came away feeling that just being able to let everything hang out and talk openly with someone who cared about their situation meant something to each of them. That is, in and of itself, well worthwhile. I hope others of you will take advantage of the opportunity, not just for your sake, but for mine as well. I never fail to get something out of talking to a guy. I never fail to gain new insight that I can fit into my own life. As the old song says, correctly, "No man is an island. No man stands alone. Each man's joy is joy to me, each man's grief is my own. We need one another, so I will defend each man as my brother, each man as my friend."


I have to admit, I was much surprised by the reaction to my last blog piece, "An Inchoate Thought". I expected to be snowed with critical and hostile feedback concerning that piece. Instead, every bit of feedback was positive. I hope all of you reading this blog understand the reason homosexuality and bisexuality is so much in the news these days is because there is a sea change in attitudes taking place in this country. More and more, people are willing to let homosexual men and women be full and participating members of society.

The cretans and the religious nuts in our society who are Christians in name only, see this growing acceptance and it scares the ever loving shit out of them. The resulting hate and screaming and acting out of their prejudices is the product of their fear and nothing else. Just under the surface of their thoughts is the realization, even for them, that they are fighting a loosing battle. They know they do not represent the American mind in this issue. The die is cast and they have lost. That is a true blessing.

However, one has to be aware that an injured dog can still be dangerous and can still bite. The majority of Americans who are tolerant need to be on their guard because these people will stop at nothing to mold the world into a mirror of their own hate. As they continue to loose the battle for hearts and minds and especially as they see more and more churches welcoming homosexual people into their fellowship, the religious nuts may be tempted to resort to increased violence as a last stand.

Everyone should be aware of the possibilities, but at the same time confident that the battle has in fact been won. The ultimate outcome is no longer in doubt.

There is no doubt times are harder now than they have ever been in the lifetimes of most of us. I'm afraid they will get harder still before they begin to get better. While we must be mindful of the hard times and open to the bitter pills it will take for us to turn things around, we must never loose sight that The United States of America is an exceptional country even now. In spite of the ludicrous insinuations of one of my fellow Texans, Ron Paul, America has no need of fences to keep its citizens in. If anything we need fences to keep from being over run by people yearning to live free with the opportunity to better themselves and their families. People all over the world are doing anything they can to come to America, legally or illegally because of its exceptionalism.

Most of us have the good luck to  have been born here.

Jack Scott

An Inchoate Thought

I've been blogging in one form or another for the better part of a decade and a half. In many ways my blogging has had similarities to my bisexuality. I was a blogger before I knew what that was just as I was bisexual long before I knew what that was.

One of the things I like about blogging and being open to discussions with other men about things that are usually closely held personal secrets is that it gives me great insight into myself and into masculinity as well. Over the past decade and a half I have had the privilege of having hundreds if not thousands of rather intimate conversations with a huge number of men about their most personal thoughts, fears, and feelings. I have shared their sorrows, their guilt, their failures and their joys and triumphs. All in all, it has been a wonderful experience for me; and I take the trust these men  have in me as an honor and a responsibility.

Most of the men with whom I have had these conversations have passed into my life for a brief time and then passed back out of it. Most of them I never met face to face. From time to time I learn, as I did yesterday, that a guy has been following my writing for years and using it to adjust his own thinking and his own views of himself and his sexuality without ever saying or writing a word to me. In many ways, finding out such a thing is, all at the same time, frightening, humbling and the highest of honors.

There are now a handful of guys who tell me not only have I helped to adjust their thinking, but I have saved their lives, the life they were planning to take with their own hand because of their guilt and pain before they encountered me and/or my writing. My ancestors were American Indians; and they believed, to save a life made one responsible for that life. I have to admit I feel that responsibility and sometimes it weighs on me; for I think, who am I to be fooling around in the lives of other guys?

At the same time, I rather quickly came to realize that in a lifestyle that often seemed overburdened, complex and guilt ridden, it soothed some of my own guilt and fears to find there was something good coming out of my bisexuality. Ultimately, I came to realize helping other guys to dig around in their lives helped me to understand better my own bisexuality as the key to the purpose for a large part of my life, helping other married homosexual and bisexual men to figure themselves out. The successes that come along are rewarding beyond anything I can describe, and they have certainly been beyond anything I could have imagined when I started this journey exploration and understanding fifteen years ago.

Over the last few years, the realization that sexuality, male sexuality in particular, is a continuum and not a point on a graph has led to new and better understanding of myself and of other men. One of the most read of all my blog postings is one called "Frot and Frottage" which I posted in August of this year. The Frot Philosophy is not all that well known, but it suggests male/male sexuality is a biologically normal way for men to express themselves with other men for whom they hold a deep bond of friendship. Further, the Frot Philosophy suggests because modern society is so intolerant of male/male friendships and so suspicious of them, the emptiness many men feel in their lives and come to identify as unresolved homosexual or bisexual desires is really just a normal male desire for a significant bonded relationship with another man. Finally, Frot Philosophy suggests Frot activities transcend the labels of "homosexual" and "bisexual" and that even straight men are quite capable of desiring and carrying out a Frot relationship involving sexual expression. Over the last few years the more I come to see and know, the more I agree with this part of Frot Philosophy.

This new thinking for made personal for me about six months ago when I meet a young twenty something year old man here in Houston. This young man was referred to me by a friend of mine who knew of him and knew he was struggling with some sexual questions about himself. He told the young man he should get in contact with me because I could help him sort out his jumbled and troubling thoughts.

We met for lunch one day and it turned into a three hour talk, the first of many more hours of talk between this young man and me. He is no ordinary young man. Even at his young age, he is a very successful man. He owns his own home in a nice neighborhood. He's a professional man working for a well known multi national company with a headquarters here in Houston.

This young man is married, and he loves his wife and he greatly enjoys the sexual relationship he has with his wife. He is an extremely intelligent young man and a very good looking young man that anyone would perceive as being straight. Yet, he was quite upset when we met, because thoughts of guys and sex with guys seemed to be occupying his mind more and more. He didn't feel he was gay and these thoughts were highly unsettling to him.

The more I talked to this young man about all parts of his life, the more intrigued I was with what I found. Here was a young man totally dedicated to his wife and family. He was also totally dedicated to his job, his career and his personal and family success. He admitted that after meeting the obligations he felt for his wife, family and job, there was little time for personal friendships and he really had few friends here in Houston and no really close male friend. Over the course of our talks, the picture that emerged to me concerning this young man was of a man who is definitely not homosexual. He could be bisexual, but I have come to doubt even that. He has no desire for anonymous male to male sex. What he desires is a close male friend, someone he could trust implicitly and confide in with total confidence. He thinks that in such a relationship sex might be one of the ways such implicit trust and total confidence might find expression.

When this picture began to emerge to me, I introduced him to Frot Philosophy. He had never heard of it before, but reading it for the first time was an emotional homecoming for him. He was left with little doubt that he had unknowingly been desiring a Frot relationship.

Although the idea that a straight guy could be involved in male/male sexual relationship with his bonded buddy has only slowly taken form in my mind over the last few years, it is not a new idea at all historically speaking.

Recently, another blogger picked up on this inchoate idea of mine and commented on it in his own blog. The text from his blog, Enhanced Masculinity, follows:

"I extract one or two salient statements from one of Jack Scott's recent posts on his blog.

Jack says: 'For a bisexual man, the need for male/male sex and a male/male bond is real and there is no substitute for it.' I would say exactly the same for an Enhanced Male, perhaps even more so. 'The problems' says Jack, 'come from trying to fit our lives "within the false notions society has about male sexuality and all the implications of male sexuality.'

That is really well said and goes to the nub of the problem. Jack goes on, later, to make an interesting threefold distinction, where up to now I think I only made a double one: 'For men in particular sex has several functions. It has the procreational function which is the only function religion really recognizes as legitimate. It also has the recreational function which society condones within the bounds of heterosexual matrimony. But it also has the male/male bonding function which society does not recognize at all and does not admit exists much less condone.' I think I have been slow to recognize the importance of the male-bonding element that Jack talks so emphatically about: 'If one talks to men who have sex with men, he will hear over and over about the need for bonding. Society simply refuses to recognize the reality of the need.'

Then comes Jack's really prophetic paragraph that I endorse wholeheartedly: 'Personally, I believe society's wrestling with this issue is just beginning. The fact is male/male sexuality has been repressed for some time. But just as the internet and interpersonal communications via the internet have played a part in revolutions around the world in the last several months, I believe the internet is helping to arm a revolution in male/male sexuality. A subject that has been repressed and taboo is now open for discussion in tens of thousands of blogs and groups and one to one male encounters on the internet. Men are quickly coming to see that the urges and desires they have had all their lives are not unique to them. They exist in many if not in most men at one time or another. Knowledge or such a thing cannot be contained. It will spread like wild fire and it already is.'

Having other guys pick up on my thoughts and mull them around in their own heads and in their own blogs is an important part of the process of considering new ideas for me. So is reading the comments of others. Sometimes the comments of others helps me to solidify my thoughts. Sometimes the comments of others are so compelling and well reasoned, they cause me to change what I am thinking. Often I am pleasantly surprised by aspects brought up by others that I have never thought of. All that is what I like about blogging.

Although the idea that essentially straight guys could be involved in male/male sexual relationships with their bonded buddies has only slowly begun to form in my mind over the last few years, it is not a new idea at all historically speaking. Male/male bonding which included sexual expression by men who were the epitome of seeming heterosexuality was common in Hellenistic societies, particularly Greece, Persia and Egypt. Alexander himself, warrior, philosopher, King and conqueror of the known world of his time was a prime example. He was a legendary lover of women but also many historians believe he had bonds with some men around him which included a sexual component. To quote Matt Barrett's A History of Greece, "bisexuality was common place in ancient Greece, but it was regarded as a highest form of human communication, as a sacred bond between men, that lifted them to divine sharing, to refinement of spirit. Philosophers rather than philanderers were born from such relations…. They…do homage to a kind of relationship that they themselves aspired to be as equal to that of their heroes, Achilles and Patroclus."

Alexander ushered in the Hellenistic age, but it survived him by almost 300 years until it was ended by the rise of the Roman empire. But even the Roman empire felt the influence of Alexander, and the Romans were bisexual in much the same way as were the Hellenists. It was simply a part of life for Romans.

Yet, as Matt Barrett points out, because many historians and certainly many modern day Greeks see homosexuality and bisexuality through the lens of contemporary societal and religious norms, the idea that Alexander and the Hellenists were what they were is hotly disputed now by would be revisionist historians. That is easy to understand. Society still tries to deny even modern homosexuality and bisexuality as sexual norms although they are accepted as such by psychologists.

And it is not just ancient Greece and Rome where bisexuality was the norm. Cultural anthropologists found it to be common in many primitive Pacific Island cultures until Christian missionaries began to arrive and began to carry out their cultural genocidal practices. As with revisionists historians and the ancient Greeks, revisionists cultural anthropologists are now trying to discredit the findings of their predecessors, but outside the halls of Politically Correct thinking, it is still widely recognized that these societies considered types of bisexuality as norms.

My thought that essentially straight men may in certain circumstances express themselves and their feelings for another man in a sexual manner is in no way meant to suggest that homosexuality and bisexuality are not real sexual norms for millions of men or to suggest that homosexuality or bisexuality are not appropriate life styles. They are. What I am suggesting is that these labels do not tell all there is to know about male/male sexuality. I have come to believe that in a significant number of instances, straight men are sexually intimate with their buddies and remain essentially straight men. One of these men I know personally is bonded in such a way with his camping buddy. Many men are bonded in this way with their fishing buddy. When they are not with this buddy in a narrowly defined set of circumstances, they are straight men. Often the bonded buddies are well known to each other families and function normally as straight men within the bounds of family friendships.

These kinds of relationships have little chance of being accepted as cultural norms in this country in the foreseeable future. The mere fact that I am suggesting such relationship exist will more than likely set off a howl of protest from the extremists of various stripes who do not appreciate thinking that goes beyond their arbitrarily set social and religious boundaries.  Yet, if one listens carefully to the contemporary media, especially the media aimed at women, he will find the rumor of this norm is already the subject of much discussion and debate. In fact, many thoughtful individuals are coming to see that the religious right and the politically correct movements exist only as a reactionary counterpoint to changing religious and societal norms which they hope they halt. 

The good thing is that through internet blogging and other social contacts, men may come to  understand more about themselves and their own sexuality. That does not mean that living the life will be any easier in the near or even the remote future.

Each man will have to continue to come to terms with his own sexuality and also come to terms with what he is going to share with others and who those others with whom he shares will be.

Jack Scott