Reconciliation

I began this blog three years ago next month. At the time there were two very clear purposes for starting the blog. The first reason was that I had come to see that reconciling one's self to being a married bisexual man is a task that is never truly finished. Instead it is a daily lifelong pursuit of reconciliation and personal atonement. I think best with a computer at hand with which I can put my thoughts into writing. My writing things down, putting them into words and sentences and paragraphs does much more for me than just thinking. There is a permanence with the written word that is missing with the words that are merely pondered in my mind. So the first reason for blogging was a selfish one on my part. It was for me and my own personal growth and continuing self acceptance and self understanding.

Honestly, I never expected the blog to be anything more than an on line personal journal. I never dreamed that it would reach tens of thousands of people and elicit responses from hundreds of those people, mostly positive and supportive comments.

Yet, to be completely honest, I guess I have to admit that there was a third reason for the blog. At the time I began to blog it had been three years since the ten year period in which I struggled to save my friend Mike's life had ended in success. The struggle Mike and I fought through for those ten years had been an important turning point in my own life which led me to face head on my own sexuality and to figure out that I was a married bisexual man. Fortunately, unlike Mike, though I had casually considered suicide, I had never taken it as a serious option and I certainly had never planned it and set the date for it as he had done.

To fully tell the story of Mike would take a book. It is a book several have urged me to write. Perhaps some day I will. It's a story that would make "Brokeback Mountain" look like a minor skirmish in the lives of two married gay men. But suffice it to say, it's a story with a bittersweet yet happy outcome. It's a story with yet no ending as Mike is now happily partnered with another gay man and the two of them are living rather ordinary lives in that they love each other, go to work each day, and struggle just as heterosexual couples do with the every day concerns of life. The difference for Mike from the life he was leading 16 years ago when I first met him a few days before his planned suicide is that he is truly happy.

When I began this blog, I had already long sense met Mark. Mark was not suicidal when we met. As far as I know, and I know him very well, he has never considered suicide. Mark's problem was much different. Mark was simply resigned when we met, resigned to living a lie, resigned to thinking that God wanted him to stay in an unhappy loveless marriage, resigned to a life for himself that was utterly without any sense of joy other than that brought to him by his sons and a few gay friends he had had the courage to cultivate.

I'm not a bashful laid back person. I've never been a person to tolerate the status quo no matter what it may be. Change, renewal, forward leaning thinking and the recognition of reality and personal potential have always been the values I cherish most in life. Not of my own accord, but because these values were pounded into me unrelentingly by a loving yet exceedingly practical and realistically thinking father when I was a boy.

When I met Mark, he didn't realize it at first but he became the object of the list of values I cherish. Admittedly, to impose myself upon him with the intention of ripping him out of his present life and pushing him toward a new life was a rather audacious and impertinent thing for me to do. But I recognize that I could ultimately not have imposed upon him without some level of willingness on his part to consider the possibilities of a new life for himself.

Candidly, I have to say that when I began to insinuate myself and my suggestions for change into Mark's life, I found the most willing man I have ever encountered to embrace new possibilities. Mike had been desperate for change to the point of seeing suicide as an acceptable change. It had taken me three years just to get him to renounce that option. Like Mark, and most other people, he had a natural resistance to change and after he renounced suicide as an option, he began to resist real change in his life because there was no way to change his life without both negative and positive consequences and Mike simply hates to consider the negatives of life. He'd rather just kill himself and not face them. At least that was the way he thought when we met.

Mark was different. He was not afraid of the negatives. He was willing to withstand the negatives if they led to new positives in his life, but he had a tendency to procrastinate. Basically all I had to do for him was be a big enough pain in his ass to push him off dead center and after that he was more than willing and able to do all the hard work for himself.

That is not to say he didn't have fears for the future. Like everyone else, he kind of thought at first that the devil he knew was better than the devil he didn't know. I will never forget the turning point in Mark's life. It was the day he told me that he had come to realize that he'd be happier alone for the rest of his life that to be miserable and alone in a lie of a marriage.

So the third reason for starting this blog was a rather egotistical thought that perhaps there were other Mike's and other Mark's out there who could benefit from someone willing to reach out to them and help them build a new philosophy of life which would support their own needs while continuing to support the needs of their families.

The blog has been amazingly successful in doing just that. It has been a privilege and a true honor to come in contact with the hundreds of Mike's and Mark's over the last few  years and sometimes to even come in contact with their wives and help them to consider new possibilities for redefining and reconfiguring their definitions of living life, finding happiness and experiencing fulfillment.

Mark's journey has frankly been a model for the best case possible. He has not only found his own self and come to respect himself, his worst fears of being alone for the rest of his life have come to naught. John is a simply remarkable man. A loving, caring and giving man. A man well aware that life is all too short and must be lived in the now! In short John is just the man Mark needed and wanted in his life. And it all came to pass because Mark found the courage to seek and embrace difficult change.

I have asked Mark to share his story with my readers in his own words, and he has graciously agreed. I hope you will read what he has written and take hope from it for your own situation. You have two choices. You can live the rest of your life as you are, sick at heart, hating yourself in a hopeless circumstance or you can find a way to really live  your life as Mark has done.

Mark's story of reconciliation:

Whenever I try to write my thoughts in response to a request by someone, I strive to be as honest & accurate as I can be.  The challenge is always that none of us is completely honest or accurate because no matter how hard we try to overcome them, we each have our own biases.  Depending on our personality and our circumstance, we can drift toward something noble or desperate.  So you know, I am, for the most part, an optimistic person. Some of that was instilled by my parents and some by the faith I acquired as an adult.  With that caveat I will attempt to convey my metamorphosis from “model son and married man” to “ ‘out’, divorced, and now partnered man”.  It is not intended to be a guideline, just a tale that perhaps will trigger your own personal understanding of yourself.  This is my story of reconciliation.

I grew up a “heathen.” Oh my parents belonged to a church; but fortunately, because we moved a great deal, we never really got connected to one.  Being “too enthusiastic” about anything (including religion) was viewed with disdain.  While my family was happy and loving, there were several subjects that were not discussed.  The biggest one (in my mind) was sex, and because my feelings on the subject could not be discussed, I dutifully stepped into the first level of my closet.  My father took a very active role in the raising of my siblings and me.  He made it clear that our goal should be the American Dream -- college education, a career, spouse, kids, and a house.  We were to never surrender our decisions in life to someone else and we were to never do anything that would threaten to block us from our goals for life.  Physical contact was discouraged in my family except for a handshake.  I was compliant and happy.

My first inklings of being “different” were really not inward but rather emanated from my father.  I was a decent athlete and truly enjoyed competition but I was not fanatical about it.  Some days I would play ball after school but other days I would like to come home and listen to classical music.  On those latter days there would be some sort of comment about needing to “go outside and play ball,” something a bit more masculine.   As puberty hit with a vengeance there was no freedom to discuss this with my parents as it had long been established that sex was not an appropriate topic of discussion.  I enjoyed going out with girls, not from a sexual standpoint, but because I loved to dance and go to movies, theater or concerts.  You could not do such things just with guys.  After all, “real men” don’t do such things!  I felt completely normal but I also sensed that my parents were trying to “butch me up” by pushing sports and downplaying theater or such.  I was the only one of four children to go to private high school… all male!  I will tell you that this was not the normal insecurity conflict between a child and his parents.  My mother recently acknowledged a whole litany of things they did while trying to guide me away from who I am.

By all appearances I was progressing.  I was popular, had several lovely girlfriends and was majoring in architecture at a major university.  I had joined a fraternity that was more serious about academics than some where the focus was more on wine, women & … well wine and women!  I was a total virgin (unless you count masturbation as having sex) and despite attempts by my fraternity brothers to get me laid, I was perfectly content to “wait”.  I just assumed my ability to fend off the aggressive women with whom I was fixed up, was due to my “moral upbringing.”  I am amazed that no one ever, even as a joke, suggested I might be gay!  What began to confuse me was wondering how I would “know” who I should marry.  As far as the time line for those “goals” in life, it was now time to focus in on one woman.  I became aware of homosexuality at this point because my university became one of the first to recognize a gay/lesbian group as an official organization.  I became more conflicted because I was fixated on that group.  Despite my outward appearance, I was confused and insecure. I know now it was because I was constructing my life based on a false premise as to my orientation.  I felt I was on a fast track to an ordinary life and yet at the same time having so many questions that could not be asked or answered.  I resisted the temptation to make contact with the gay group. Instead, I just plowed ahead with the heterosexual American Dream.

It is perhaps ironic that despite all the bad comments any of us might make regarding spirituality, what “saved me” from the path I was on was a Christian ministry.  It was not “organized” but driven by fluid relationships among several people with whom I had come in contact.  Since I had never been a member of any “organized” church, I did not have any preconceive ideas as to how things ought to be conducted.  There were just spontaneous gatherings of men and women in dorm rooms, my fraternity and in coffee houses to discuss passages of the Bible and encourage one another.  

Reconciliation

Through these people I experienced my first “reconciliation.”  I felt I had become reconciled to God.  I know it sounds crazy but I view it as my first step toward coming back out of that deep closet I was in.  My parents picked up on this change in me. Not from a sexual standpoint, but rather because the recognized a new optimism in me.  I was also suddenly more confident.  Yet they missed the cause of my new outlook entirely. They assumed I had started taking drugs!  

I became very involved in ministry and believed that my future spouse would be someone who shared my faith and ministry.  I still had the nagging question of how I would know which woman it was, and I asked a man in the ministry that very question.  He just said, “You’ll know.”  I accepted the implied standard of conduct that “dating” a woman who was in the same group was inappropriate, and so assumed that “the one” would be a woman who elevated my spirituality.  While I complied with this “don’t touch a woman” standard, there was now a new freedom with men. We could hug!  The attractions I felt inwardly toward some of the guys was attributed to a spiritual bonding rather than the sexual attraction it really was for me.

Time marched on. I married a woman when I was 28 years old.  We had not dated but she was very “spiritual” and we both were enthusiastic about ministry.  I asked some of the more mature married men if there were things that she and I should discuss before we got married, and they said that if we knew God wanted us to marry, then all would work out.  Everyone, in my circle of friends was enthusiastic about us getting married.  The engagement was short and the ceremony was elaborate.  I sensed a degree of “relief” on the part of my parents and even more relief when my first son was born.  I think it is inaccurate to say that truly gay men cannot and would not have sex with a woman.  At age 28, and being a total virgin, I could have had sex with ANYTHING!  However, the reality was it was not a good experience with her.  Any orgasm is good but somehow I expected a sense of bonding.  It never happened.  In part, because of that failure to bond, our sex life together ended with the third pregnancy.  My attractions to men physically never went away but now with no outlet for sex, the battle raged to resist fulfilling that desire.  I plunged myself into raising my sons.

I want to stress that I was a happy person for the most part.  I loved being a father; however, the relationship with my wife became more and more strained as I felt there was no reciprocal love.  As I put it later, she loved being married to me but she did not love me.  Though I was confused and at times bitter about the realization that she did not love me, I failed to recognize at the time that her response to me was appropriate as I did not love her either. I did not like the situation I in which I found myself, but I determined to keep going.  

For most of those years we were living in the Midwest and then I took a position in Florida.  In Florida, there was a much more relaxed attitude toward homosexuality.  I stepped back one day and asked myself a question.  With raging hormones and a sexless marriage, why am I never tempted toward women but rather toward men?  It was an epiphany.  I found a gay website where I could chat with other men and quickly realized there were many married men struggling with this challenge.  As I learned how to chat I began to understand all the fragments of my life that had not been connected to make me whole.

The best decision I made was to join a tennis group in town that was composed primarily, but not exclusively, of gay men.  It was a safe environment (as opposed to a gay bar or such) where I didn’t have to worry if anyone “saw me” with the group.  I was amazed to find these men were doctors, attorneys, college professors and small business owners.  Not a single hair dresser in the group!  We talked comfortably with no one asking me questions about my orientation -- just men wanting friendships with other men.  I could come home and tell my wife all about my tennis without fear since it was not some contrived event but truly a weekly tennis group.  After a few months though, I knew for sure I was gay.  It was my second reconciliation. I had been reconciled to my true self.

By now my marriage was at the point where I was sleeping on the guest side of the house.  Let’s just say that both of us preferred this arrangement.  I began to expand my social interaction with gay and gay friendly people.  My wife and I had no social circle as she preferred not to have one and she began to accept my going to various events a few times per month.  I would tell her it was a “charity event” (which was true), but not tell her it was a “gay charity event”.  All the time, I was building a group of friends who completely accepted me with no pressure for me to “ditch the bitch”.  I had known for years that I wanted to end my empty marriage, but now I began thinking there was a more positive reason to move on.  I began to get some professional counseling to prepare for the transition.  I wanted to do things honorably and well.

I took my wife on a walk and at this time (early November of 2005) I told her I had gone for counseling and that I wanted us to get joint counseling.  She did not think that was necessary as we were “both Christians” and could resolve things through prayer and Bible study together.  I insisted, pointing out that we both had the habit of restricting the open discussion of things that were bothering us.  She asked that we wait untill after the holidays and I reluctantly agreed.  I suggested she pick the counselor so that she would not think I had stacked the deck against her.  She picked a female professional counselor who was associated with a big church nearby.

On December 30, 2005 I was forced to come out to my wife.  She had not “caught me”, but someone had said something to our oldest son and his wife and I knew I could not wait any longer.  I did not want them knowing something that she did not know.  She was working at that time, but she had three days off.  I knew there was no good way to “ease into” the subject; so after we had lunch together, I told her that I had something serious to tell her.  Understandably she “froze” and I simply said “I am gay”.  I could tell that her mind was racing, and her comments, when the did come were all directed toward her concern about her own security.  The amazing thing about the time is that I finally could think and communicate clearly!  I had lost sleep and weight leading up to that moment because I had no idea of what would be said or done next.  I had wanted to “control” the flow of how I revealed things but that was no longer possible.  I did not know if she would insist that I leave the house (I was prepared to say no to this as it would be counter-productive to discussions) or what the future would hold.  We spent all three days together at the house.  I let her set the pace of the discussions so that she could handle our talks.  There were times when she cried and I held her.  I am not sure that I can recall every emotion but I can say that I felt an enormous sense of relief.  My darkest secret and my worst fear had now been spoke of and admitted openly.

The next step was to tell my sons.  Since the oldest was coming to the house within a few days, I sent him a text message saying that he and I needed to talk right away.  I knew he “knew” and I am sure he was prepared for the subject matter.  I had no idea what I was going to say or how he was going to react.  At that time, he was 28 years old and married for six years.  I was very nervous but had to rely on the fact that I loved my sons and had demonstrated that to them regularly over the years as they grew up.  I also had to remind myself that I was not guilty of some crime but rather coming to terms with something that had long been repressed.  As we began, I told him I was gay.  I acknowledged that I had learned that he had been told this a week prior.  He said among other things that he had been “in more gay bars than he could count” and that he understood that it was not a choice.  He and his wife have close friends who are a lesbian couple and they feel totally at ease with the subject.  We talked for three hours and bonded more than ever before.  I told him how it was for me growing up under this cloud and that I hoped now that he knew my deepest struggle, there would never be a subject he and I could not discuss.

I spoke individually to the other two sons the same day.  The conversations went along similar lines with the variations reflecting more the differences in their personalities than the subject matter.  Each time I suggested that we not consider the discussion “completed” as I had the advantage of years of pondering my situation and they only had a short period to contemplate it.  I did learn that the three of them had observed things related to my marriage and had discussed this among themselves.  Previously I had assumed they had not done so or talked, but now I was learning they had.  There was definitely a sense of relief that things were coming out into the open.  There was a natural concern for their mother and I assured them she and I were talking, not fighting; and that we were going to enter into some professional counseling.  I am sure it helped me that my sons were all adults living on their own.  While they were somewhat sad that future family gatherings would be different, they also had begun creating their own lives and holiday traditions independent of the original family unit.

My wife and I entered joint counseling in early January of 2006.  There were several problems with it.  First and foremost, my wife did not want to go.  She did not believe in professional counseling and did not like allowing someone outside the family to hear what was going on.  She felt this way even though she had picked the woman we began to see.  In setting up the appointment I had told the counselor that I am gay and that I had shared this with my wife and sons.  We were to complete a questionnaire prior to our first appointment but not show each other our responses.  There was one section that I did not feel I could complete.  It asked me to identify which of five sentences best described how I felt.  It went from “I am prepared to do anything and everything to preserve this relationship” to “I have done everything I can and have nothing else I can do”.  My problem is that I did not feel married and felt I needed more to define what the “relationship” was.  I left that section blank and when the counselor mentioned that I had, I brought up my perspective that we had never really “bonded” as husband and wife (something that I had discussed with my wife already when I came out to her).  My wife did not want to go to weekly sessions so we set up to go every other week.  We were handed a photo copy of “session two” to read.  I did so but became frustrated that we were being given a “cookie cutter” approach to serious issues about our relationship.  I decided to do some additional work on my own.

I was intrigued by an advertisement on television that I had seen and ignored hundreds of times.  It was for an online dating service that used “twenty-nine proven points of compatibility” to match people.  I started to identify the things about myself and my wife that were “set in stone” based on 33 years of being married.  I started with simple things like the socio-economic climate in which we were raised.  She was a small town farm girl and I was a big city guy.  Over the nest two weeks, I came up with twenty-seven “points”.  I worked very hard to make them non-accusatory but rather simple statements about each of us that are true.  From my perspective there were more problems than the fact that I am gay.  I felt it was important to discuss them with a professional counselor so that we would not use our usual tactics to cut off discussion.  I presented it at the second session.  The counselor seemed glad for my effort but my wife was not.  She objected to #6 and did not look further.  She denied it was true so the counselor asked me to explain.  As I did so, the counselor asked my wife to respond.  When she did, the counselor realized that what I was saying was true.  It was not an accusation but just a statement of who we are.  After a little discussion, my wife acknowledged that she did feel the way I stated in statement #6.  The most telling aspect of it was that my wife and I only “connected” on one level out of twenty-seven, our faith.

After four sessions my mother-in-law became gravely ill.  My wife wanted to stop going to counseling “for now.” Ultimately, her mother passed; and I did what I could to help my wife deal with the grieving process.  I had expected her to be inconsolable as they were very close.  I was surprised that she actually did much better and was appreciative that I had made it a point to be with her mother before she passed.  I waited an entire year before bringing up the issue of returning to counseling.  During that year, my wife had mostly acted as if nothing had ever been said.  I was a bit more open about my activities such as tennis and social events, now letting her know that they were with gay friends.  I even introduced her to some of my friends to take away the mystery and to show that gay men are as diverse as their heterosexual counterparts.  When she would bring up a spiritual argument against homosexuality as an orientation, I would suggest we study whatever passage she used to make sure we understood the context.  I think we were both surprised at how comfortable I was responding to her challenges.  I never felt unsure about who I am, and so was willing to take the time to help her understand.

When I suggested that it was time that we went back to counseling she said she would not go.  I told her that I was going to do so and initially went back to the woman we had used together.  I felt it was a wasted session as the woman just offered to print off a copy of the template for session #5.  I searched for someone else and was introduced to a very professional woman counselor.  I sent her all the things that I had done so far including my perspectives on my marriage and the fact that I was gay.  I wanted to dive into substance from the first session and she was ready to do so.  I will say that the contrast of experience between the two counselors taught me that one does not have to stick it out with one counselor.  One size does not fit all.  I was glad I had switched.  It truly helped.

This new counselor, Madelyn, probed and asked me questions.  She observed that I would take a moment to ponder my response.  Then she asked me if I wanted to stay in the marriage.  I said, “no.” It was the first time I had publicly said so.  She followed up by asking what I wanted and I said to bond with someone “intellectually, emotionally, spiritually and physically.”  The response came out of my mouth instantly and she pointed that out.  She offered that when I speak from my heart, I am clear and decisive rather than guarded and insecure.  It was an epiphany.  I was taking another step out of the “closet.” It felt incredibly good.  I was gaining confidence and control of my life.

Over the next six months I met with Madelyn every two weeks.  Each time I understood a bit more about myself and my situation.  I was reading voraciously about the experiences of others including several websites.  I kept trying to get my wife to a point where she agreed with me that we needed to move on, but it was not happening.  She continued to act as if nothing was happening.  During one of my sessions I mentioned to my counselor that I was not sure I would be able to trust someone enough to love them in a committed relationship given my marital history.  She assured me I could.  I was frustrated that things were not proceeding toward a conclusion.  I mentioned to Madelyn that I would even like someday for us as a whole family to take a cruise together.  To this she said, “Not until your wife takes responsibility for her own happiness!”  I realized right then that I was the “snag” in the process.  I was still trying to do everything and resolve everything to make my wife happy.  I went back home from the session, sat my wife down and told her that I was going to file for divorce.  It was a jolt to her.  I could tell that I had let things drag on too long.  My wife told me she felt it was wrong before God to do anything that led to divorce and so had deliberately ignored the issue.  She refused to jointly tell our sons so I did.  They were a bit confused as to “why now,” but most of that was because it had been so long since I came out.  I did not want to say anything that was negative toward their mother, so I simply said we had been working on this for months and now knew it was time.  I assured them I would see to it she was financially sound and secure.

I went to visit my mother with the intent of telling her everything.  My father had passed away some years earlier.  I was scheduled to be with her for a week but I was fully prepared to have to leave immediately.  I wanted to tell her the very first day and just after dinner I asked her to sit with me as I wanted to talk to her.  She said she was glad that I was doing this as there were some “observations” that she had determined to talk to me about.  I said I wanted to go first.  I told her about the disintegration of my marriage and how I was going to file for divorce.  I told her everything, including that I am gay.  She said that she and my father had sensed it early on and she began to apologize that they had tried to make me into something different.  I hugged her and thanked her for how they had raised me as it had equipped me to function in the broader world rather than simply release me to the gay world.  My openness with her opened a flood of discussions about relationships and sex that had never been allowed before in our relationship as mother and son.  The more we talked, the more we both understood that I was reconciling honestly to my family and the world around me.  My mother has quickly come to understand and accept my homosexuality. She has her moments of insecurity about my being gay, but I work to be patient knowing I have pondered all of this longer than her.

The divorce process itself was relatively easy.  We did not use attorneys but rather an online site.  Our state has laws that establish a 50/50 division of marital assets.  I had deliberately had the inheritance my wife received put into a separate account that I was not associated with so that there was no confusion.  I was prepared to either stay in the house with her moving out or to sell it as she had never taken care of the house in any way and I did not want to jointly own it with her now responsible.  Before I mentioned this, she said she did not want to stay in the house.  She waited until the divorce was final before she even looked for a place to live so I helped her search as I wanted the complete break to happen as soon as possible.  It is hard for both of us to break habits of procrastination formed over 33 years of marriage, but within two weeks she had a place rented and while she worked on a Friday, I supervised the move and got everything set up in her new place so that she could stay there.  I did not want any more delays.  I wanted the break to be complete.  I even left town for the weekend so that I was not available to help any further.

The first Christmas was a bit awkward.  The boys all came to town and I hosted our gathering.  I made a tactical mistake and let my former wife do some things in the kitchen as if we still jointly lived there.  In subsequent gatherings, I haven’t let that happen and things have worked better.  I was single for almost two years which allowed for all of us to adjust to the new reality.

Just over a year ago I met someone with whom I had been chatting via a website as well as Skype for over two years.  We decided to spend five days together in my city and before those five days were over we both knew we wanted more time together.  John had come out when he was 18 and had been with a partner for 30 years before his partner passed away.  We both had decided to “re-enter” the world of dating about the same time.  It was not a sexual attraction at first in part because he is from another country.  We talked a great deal about our past, his life in a gay partnership and me in a marriage.  We were connecting “intellectually and emotionally”.  When he came to the U.S. for a visit, we bonded “spiritually and physically”.  It all just fit!  

John had always been open with his siblings and they were truly excited to see their brother come back to life after losing his partner five years prior.  I knew I had to give my siblings the same opportunity to enjoy the great things that were happening with me as well.  This meant coming out to them.  My mother did not discuss my orientation with my sisters or brother as she wanted me to do it when I felt I should.  Since we are spread out all over the U.S., I decided to send a letter addressed jointly (so they knew that all of them received the same letter) but individual copies of it to each.  Each sibling called to express their love and support.  Since then, I send frequent emails about both John and me as we have been traveling over Europe or busy at my home in the U.S.

As things stand right now, most things are very positive.  I can tell at times that my family is all still adjusting.  My sons are fine with everything related to my being gay and being with John, but then, they have had the longest time to adjust.  

I have discussed with them my intent to enter into a civil partnership with John and they are in total agreement.  Each of them has spent several days with John and me so they have had the chance to see how we relate.  As I continue to live my life confidently and openly, I believe the rest of my family, and hopefully the community of friends and family around me will adjust as well.

As for me, I know that I am truly happy and that I feel contented with my life for the first time.

Mark


Thanks Mark for sharing your personal journey to a new and wonderful life.


As always your comments are greatly appreciated. If you see yourself in Mike or Mark, I hope you'll take courage and  hope from their successes in dealing with a seemingly intractable problem. There is little that courage and resolve cannot make better. Life is short. It is important that you live your life now. Please consider your own life within the context of hope and satisfaction that is possible for you.


Jack Scott