There is no one way to "do something" about your life. For some of you it might mean a divorce. For others it might mean coming out to your wife and agreeing on some arrangement you both can live with. For most of you it may mean deciding that you will carve out private time for yourself and a buddy within your life and spend discreet time with him.
All of these options have worked for guys that I have come to know very well over the years. Have I known guys who have failed in their attempt at fulfillment? Yes, I have; but they are far fewer in number than those who have succeeded.
To succeed you have to make a rational choice of action, not an idealistic one. You have to be careful to continue to fulfill your responsibilities to your family even in divorce. You have to keep your head about you. No one can ever find fulfillment in unbridled hedonism. Thinking one can do so is, perhaps, the most common mistake guys make.
As I approach the winter of my life, the greatest satisfaction I have is that I lived my life well. I fulfilled my responsibilities to my family, my job, my faith and myself. Did I do it perfectly? No, I'm not a Saint. But I did it well enough that my life and the lives I care about most around me have been successful and fulfilling. What more could one ask? The winter of my life would be bleak had I failed to live my life as I did. As it is, though my hope is for many more years, I can face death with a sense of satisfaction that I lived a full and eventful life. I found myself, and I helped others to do the same. It is very satisfying to me.
My faith hopes for a life beyond this one that will bring an entirely new world to enjoy. My mind tells me this life could very well be all any of us will ever have. If my mind proves to have come to the correct interpretation, I'm glad I lived my life to the fullest. If my faith turns out to be vindicated, I have nothing to fear. I lived the life I was meant to live. I lived for me, but I stopped to help others along the way. I carried out my responsibilities plus a little bit more. My faith tells me Heaven is not for saints alone, but also for those who muddled through mostly on the good side of life, those who stood up to and met the challenges.
I urge each of you to take time in the new year to really think about your lives. What could you do better? What needs to change?
Whether you're a bisexual man who needs to figure out what to do with the rest of your life or a woman who has come to think she might be married to a gay or bisexual man, nothing is ever accomplished by turning a blind eye and pretending it just isn't so. Little is ever accomplished in hatefulness and anger either. Find a way to face the issue critically and with a hope to find compromise.
Jack Scott
Happy New Year, Jack. I have enjoyed your blogs and chatroom over the past year. Hope everything goes better for you in 2013. You have been an inspiration to me in discovering myself over the past 2 years since I admitted and discovered my own bisexuality. I have made many new friends during this time and consider you on that list, too. As the Celtics would say, "Athbhliain faoi mhaise dhuit."
ReplyDeleteThanks DL, I appreciate your thinking of me as a friend. A guy can never have too many.
DeleteI hope you will continue to find ways to express your identity that will bring you joy.
Jack Scott
Happy new year Jack. I wish you well on your healing and keep spoiling the grandkids that has become my favorite pastime. I am hoping to get the strengh to finally come out to my wife. I really think she has some suspicions already.
ReplyDeleteLove
Yep spoiling the grandkids is definitely one of the perks of old age. Mine are just growing up too fast.
ReplyDeleteTake your time and think about it from every angle before coming out to your wife. The last thing you want to do is have her walk out after all these years.
The goal is not necessarily to tell her. The goal is to take the steps that will bring you the most satisfaction in your life.
Best wishes.
Jack Scott
For a fairly long time in my life I was a gay man having relationships (affairs, fuck buddyhoods) with married but closeted gay men. I was friend, sex partner, mentor to them.
ReplyDeleteA man like me is sometimes despised for being involved with a family man but I had no illusions of romance and absolutely no desire to break up anyone's family. I realized that these guys had such a strong desire for mansex that they would find somebody, anybody -- it didn't matter who -- and I knew that I was safer for them and their families than a lot of what was out there. I gave them what they needed, I was totally discreet, and I helped them to come out to themselves and eventually to their wives and make some kind of accommodation. They stopped being bottled up and terrified. They found themselves and made happy lives for themselves and others.
Will, letters such as yours is one of the reasons I love blogging. No matter how long I blog and no matter how many people I hear from, there always comes a time when someone expresses a new thought that had never occurred to me.
DeleteThat is what you did in your letter. Safety was always an issue at the front of my mind. The last thing I wanted to do was bring something home to the wife I loved. After reading your letter, I realize that I probably filled the same role you fill. I provided a safe outlet for some guys that might not otherwise have had one.
Of course the only problem is that male/male relationships never seem to last forever, so eventually my influence always waned. I suspect it is the same with you.
However, as you suggest in your letter, there are the guys in our lives though our relationships end who go on to find permanent and fulfilling relationships of their own. That we played a part is making this possible is a real joy for me and I suspect for you too.
Jack Scott
Hello Jack... I just want to say THANK YOU and wish you well for 2013 from Canada. After discovering your blog several months ago it has been comforting to know that there are other men out there in similar situations. Although I doubt that I will ever find the intestinal fortitude to openly admit that I am married and gay after over 50 years of hiding (or perhaps mistakenly believing that I am) your insightful thoughts are truly welcomed.
ReplyDeleteTake care and be healthy!
Anonymous, I'm so happy you discovered my blog and have found it helpful to you.
DeleteTime has a way of working wonders when it is combined with honest self reflection and thoughtful planning. As I have said often, there is no one right answer. Your task is to find the answer that best serves you.
Keep reading and thinking.
Jack Scott
Happy New Year Jack! Thank you for all of your words of wisdom. Your guidance helped me to take the road less traveled, and that has made all of the difference in my life. I look forward to seeing God's blessing for the both of us in 2013: challenges, accomplishments, and good times.
ReplyDeleteD, your life has changed so much in the years I've known you. And I'm so happy about the direction in which those changes have pointed you.
DeleteYou, my friend, have been on the road less traveled all your life. That I have been able to help you travel that road is an honor of the highest caliber.
As 2012 ended, you took one of the most important steps in your life. I think you made a choice that God blesses and will continue to bless. That does not mean there will not be challenges ahead. We both know that without challenges you would grow bored quickly. So meet the challenges for the opportunities they are. Always keep that infinite store of basic goodness that is within you and you'll continue to hold the world in your hand. You are already, at a very young age, one of the most blessed of men.
My life didn't turn out as I thought it would when I was your age. I had plans, but God had other plans. As it turns out, His plans were far grander and far more interesting than mine. I suspect it will be so with you. That road less traveled is sure to take you to wonderful places and fantastic accomplishments though maybe not the ones you envision.
Thank you for restoring my faith in the future. With young men such as yourself still in the world, the future is bright. One of the biggest blessings God gives us is that true friendships are mutually beneficial. Ours has certainly been that way. I'm glad I have been able to impart some of the wisdom born of long experience to you, but I'm even more thankful that you have been able to impart renewed hope, renewed appreciation for the wonder of life and just plain old joy to me. You are truly a gift of God.
I don't have to tell you that I wish you at least 60 years of challenges, accomplishments and profound joy of living.
Jack