Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Destiny?

I remember well as a young man how much the very concept of destiny angered me. It was, in my young mind, akin to being told I was going to be enslaved. How could anyone be happy being a slave? I was the Captain of my ship, the master of my own fate. Destiny be damned!

Now, looking back on 50 plus years of a life pretty well lived, I find like every other aspect of this thing we know as human existence, the question of whether we are slaves to destiny or masters of our own fate requires a very complex answer.

Within the complexities of that answer are aspects that angered me as a  young man and caused me great pain and anguish in mid life. At this point in my life, I can see clearly that in several real ways I have been enslaved. I have not be at liberty to make certain choices.

Among the choices I did not have the freedom to make was to choose how I would express my sexuality. It is the issue over which I had no choice that has most affected my life, but it is not the only one. I have always been a Type A personality. I did not choose to be that driven. I even have tried through the years to force myself into a lesser pace, but it never worked. I simply have no choice in the matter. I'm an intuitive person. So intuitive that it sometimes borders on the ability to exercise premonition. There are advantages to such insight, but it has always been something with which I am less than comfortable. I have, especially in my younger days, tried to stifle it, to no avail. I have always been a person of faith. Faith has never been a choice for me. It has always been imposed upon me. In my early years I rejected the faith of my childhood and sought out a faith that was less rigid, less legalistic, less close minded. In mid life I tried to reject faith completely, to put it away and become agnostic if not atheistic. In response to that bolt for freedom, God simply stepped into my life and overpowered me. I could not reject what was suddenly such an imposing part of my life, like it or not. And for a good while I didn't like it at all. I had never suffered being imposed on well by anyone and I didn't particularly like the idea of being imposed on by God. And what really scared me was the fact that since I had almost reached the point I didn't even believe in God, there was the very real possibility I was going insane.

In George Orwell's book, "1984" everyone was genetically engineered to perform a task to serve society and everyone was happy carrying out his assigned roll, even those who did the menial tasks. It's a weird metaphor, but I'm come to see destiny in a similar way. It's not that there have not been forks in the road of my life. There have been. But its like the road I was on, forks and all was itself determined by my destiny. For instance, I had to function as a bisexual man. I couldn't get off that road. The choices I had were within that context of my life. At the same time, the choices I had were within the context of an evolving spiritual faith. These two things often made for difficulties in my life. Many people see them as in conflict with each other. I understand that, believe me. There were times I just wanted to quit. To get off the road altogether, but my Type A personality kicked in at that point. It wouldn't allow me to quit. It forced me to carry on and so everything I did was influenced by that aspect of my life over which I had no choice also. Altogether, they worked well; and in the end, well fortunately well before the end of my life, I realized that I was a happy and blessed man.

I am the sum of my destiny but even in living one's destiny, I've found that one is not really a slave. The most precious gift in life is happiness and I have achieve happiness and inner peace. And it seems, at least, that there have been choices I've been able to make along the way. This blog is one of them. Sure some of the same characteristics I've listed above influenced me to begin this blog. But it was my choice. However, within the choice, destiny plays a part. Almost every week, I get emails from guys who tell me they just happened to stumble onto my blog and they can't stop reading it. They tell me that it is like they were somehow meant to find it. Like it or not that sort of thing speaks of destiny to me, mine and that of others interacting for the good of each other.

My bisexuality was so painful in the beginning. It caused me to hate myself so. It caused me to fear for my soul. I can't say I completely understand it even now, but I understand enough now to know that my bisexuality was a part of my destiny and without it I would not be me.

We live in a era when people fear introspection and thoughtfulness. We live in an era where a huge segment of society has co opted God and is ready to demand that everyone proclaim allegiance to their view of God. Perhaps these people are living out their destiny too, to goad us, to shock us into introspection and thoughtfulness. To force us to rise up against those who would enslave us with their perverted ideas of God and find for ourselves the God of our own redemption.

I have come to believe we are happiest and most content when we are living close to our destiny. That is not enslavement. It is simply being at home.

Jack Scott

2 comments:

  1. This is a good introspection of our lives and destiny, Jack. I enjoyed reading it. Sometimes to read what others are thinking allows us to explore our own lives. I don't think it is just about someone exploring his sexuality but more on exploring his life. I keep thinking a few years back when my son remarked that he really didn't know me and how much I've thought about that ever since then.

    ReplyDelete

I deeply regret that I must reinstate the verification process for those who want to leave comments on my blog. This is due to the intolerable amount of spam that spammers are attempting to leave on the blog.

At the same time I am changing settings so that those of you who have a Google Blogger ID or other recognized blogger ID will not have to have your comments moderated. My hope is this will encourage more readers to take the time to comment. The fact is I want to read comments with those of you who disagree with me as well as those of you who agree with me. All I ask is that you keep your comments clean and non-threatening.

The only reason I take the time to write this blog is to spur your thoughts and comments. Please do not let the spammers cause you not to comment. I know entering the verification words and numbers is a pain in the ass, but I hope you will not let the spammers cause you not to comment.

I still very much look forward to hearing from you.

Jack Scott

Anyone can comment on what I write in this blog. Regretfully, the recent amount of spam in my email account as required that I reinstate the word verification process for comments which I personally hate.

But at the same time I have loosened the comment moderation process so that those of you who have a Google Blogger ID or other recognized blogger ID will no longer need to wait for your comment to be moderated. I'm hoping this will tempt you to take the trouble to comment.

The truth is I want respectful comments both from those who agree with me and those who do not. All I as is that you keep comments to the point, clean and non-threatenting.

I look forward to hearing from each of you.

Jack Scott